This will be a strange tale. More drama. Here are my previous posts about my mom if anyone cares to read them:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/update-from-laural271-re-mom-484815.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
My mom has been piling on the pressure to come live with DH and me. I have said no repeatedly, telling her we wouldn't be able to stand living with her and that my marriage comes first. Every time this has come up, she has told me that I'm the worst daughter alive and that I am terribly selfish, etc.
I am presently dealing with so much stress with my husband's health declining, and also with my sweet daughter being worried sick about her daughter being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Leave it to my mom to add to the stress. She's good at it.
Mom was very child-like during all my growing-up years when she got sick. Even with just a routine virus or infection, she whined and cried for me to help her; I won't go into specifics but it repulsed me when I was very young. She has always wanted me to take care of her. I assisted her after a few hospital stays during the past 7 years (here and there) and she was never appreciative, just mean as a snake and demanding and foul-mouthed. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for her.
She's 90. She has a pacemaker for bradycardia (slow heartbeat). She has very bad CHF, arthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, and pain from neuropathy. It's very hard for her to get around. She wants to live forever and chooses every medical therapy available. She's considering getting an implanted defibrillator. She's in so much pain that she's miserable and uncomfortable. She lives in another state a little over 6 hours from me.
A friend was helping her for a while but from what I can tell, the friend has disappeared. I suspect my mom showed her true self so the friend decided she was done..
Apparently Mom's physical condition has worsened, so she's looked into hiring some help. She refuses to consider leaving her home. She has been interviewing agencies who provide home caregivers. She says she needs someone about 4 hours in the morning and someone else 4 hours in the evening. She then told me that it's much more expensive than she thought it would be. She says her monthly income won't cover the cost, and that she needs help. She wants $1000/month from us, which would be $12,000 a year.
I told her this wouldn't be possible and that she should interview other agencies or consider cutting back on the hours of assistance.
She exploded and started yelling. She told me that she has talked to her lawyer about me. She says I can be seen as abandoning her since I gave up the POA and don't assist her in any way. She also said that in her state I can be sued for failure to support a parent. It would be a Class II misdemeanor. She then said that if I want to continue being a bitch to her that I could find myself in jail. I stayed calm despite all this drama and told her my DH will never agree to subsidizing her and I told her again to amend the assistance she is needing or consider going into a board/care home or ALF, and I ended the call.
I called my lawyer today, and he said that Mom's state does have the ability to bring a criminal penalty for failure to support a parent. The state that I live in has the same law, but he thinks it's reserved for egregious situations such as a parent living in squalor or homeless. He says that he has never seen that happen in our region, but he recommended that I talk to a lawyer in her state.
I already have a lawyer in Mom's county/state since I've had trouble from her before, but he is out of town for 2 weeks, darn.
So my question is - has anyone else heard of this?
Hugs to all.
Wait 2 weeks and speak to your lawyer who's out of town, for peace of mind, and then cut "mother" out of your life. Real mother's do not threaten their children with extortion, sorry.
If she thinks care is expensive, has she ever had to pay an attorney? It's possible an attorney will see that she's a hot mess and send her away.
If you are her PoA, resign. If you want to make a statement, file for a restraining order against her.
You are buffered from her by 6 hours of distance. Live your life and stop giving her any attention. Any.
Ignore her calls and any attempts at communication.
Your Mom has options. She owns a house, she can sell it and enter a nice AL using the proceeds. Get an small apt and use the proceeds to pay an aide. Your husband trumps Mom. His care comes first as does ur daughter. Mom has options she can take advantage of. Just stick by your guns. Tell her and anyone who calls regarding Mom. "My plate is full caring for my DH. Mom has options but won't take advantage of them. For reasons I will not get into now, no, she cannot live with us. As I said, I am caring for my husband."
I would not keep saying "no you can't live with me". I may say it one more time saying "This is the last time I will say it (saying slowly and firmly) YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH ME!. If you ask again, I will block ur phone and stop talking to you altogether." And do it.
Filial responsibility laws only apply to parents that are impoverished and even then the only state to ever try and get money from a child to care for a parent was in PA and that case was dropped when said parent applied for and was approved for medicaid. Your mother owns a home and has money to pay her bills so she is not impoverished in anyway.
If I were you I would stop taking her calls all together. Simply block her number and stop dealing with her. If she has money to invest in a lawyer to try and sue you to fund her desire to stay in her home then she certainly has enough money to pay for her day to day living expenses.
And OMG I can't believe she is so desperate to cling to her miserable life that she wants a defibrillator implanted so she can live forever. Talk about a living nightmare for you.
Your mother sounds like a truly mean and nasty woman. I am very sorry you have to deal with the stress of her threats even though nothing will come of it.
Personally, I have never heard of such nonsense where adult children with no legal authority can be forced to take care of a parent. I have never heard of a state with a law that says a parent has to take care of an adult child either that they are not a conservator/guardian.
I'l tell you one thing if my mother ever threatened to see me in jail if I continue being a "b***h" to her, she would be dead to me. There would not be a word from me by by phone, mail, carrier pigeon. smoke signal... In fact, there was no word from me for six years and I didn't even have her at my second wedding. She ruined the first one, so I figured why risk it. You don't have to take her crap.
You DO NOT have to take your mother to live with you. Any state that would try to force you to will be in for the legal fight of their life. Any lawyer would make a name for himself arguing for a client like you. So keep that in mind.
Don't let your mother rattle your cage with her threats. Tell her that she is never living in your home and you will see this law she threatens you with argued all the way to the Supreme Court if needs be to keep her out of your home.
By the way, her demanding $1,000 a month from you and your husband is called extortion and that is illegal in all 50 states. You should really let her know that and don't send her a damn cent. Not one red penny, my friend. Let her get on Medicaid and placed in a LTC facility.
No one is going to pay for her to have 8 hours a day of homecare. So unless she's wealthy, that's off the table. She can go into a facility.
Block her go no contact, I did that with my abusive mother 13 years ago, best years of my adult life.
If she cannot afford home care then she needs to go into a facility, it will cost her much less, she can sell off everything she owns to pay for her care.
She doesn't have a leg to stand on, no pun intended.
Keep your boundaries, take care of you and your family she is beyond help.
Tell this ridiculous old woman to "Make my day; go ahead. Sue."
And let THOSE be your last words to this abuser.
First understand that anyone can bring an action against anyone.
I can go to an attorney and pay him to sue someone out of the phone book in New York City any day I want.
Will I win.
NO.
Will any attorney take such a case? Of course not.
And no one will take your mom's ridiculousness either.
Are you not a smarter woman than this, because I always thought so.
Your mother is clearly WITH IT ENOUGH not to qualify under abandonment.
And you do not have to SERVE as her POA whether she is or is NOT.
HERE IS WHAT YOU DO (and if you are smart you do it today).
You simply get a note from your own MD that you currently are under too much familial stress to competently serve as her POA. You then walk to the attorney office (any) and have a resignation letter with attachment done. This gets a court action started to tell court you cannot serve. The court appoints another family member willing (if Mom cannot do this herself) or makes your mother a ward of the state. If mom is competent you only have to give her a letter of resignation. Do it today. Hand write it and hand it in, and trust me, no one is suing you for anything.
I will tell you one thing, you ever take this nasty woman into your home I sure am done with you, because that would quite honestly mean that you cannot be saved.
I would withdraw from anything to do with her.
Be certain you turn over to new POA, court, or you mother (if competent) her records of all money in and out. This action of your now is paid by the POA )(HER) until you are no longer POA.
Go to each entity by person (Bank officers) or by registered mail to show you have resigned as her POA. Refer them to new one or to her own mailbox.
Jeez. I just had surgery yesterday and now had to spend all this time on this silliness.
LauraL..............................I know you. You are a good deal smarter than this.
As to your Mom, tell her "Well, you have DONE IT NOW. I quit. I quit as daughter as well as POA. Go ahead SUE ME"
She has no right to threaten you. I’d block her calls.
Must've been lotsa fun growing up in your house.