With Mom’s drivers license suspended due to my notifying the state, her world is getting smaller. Thinking about next steps. Advice?
Finally happened within the last month or so. Of course she didn’t tell me, but ranted the other day about my not returning her car keys, saying I cost her money when I did not return them. She still wants the keys returned. I am leery because her one brother is a bit of a leech and has miraculously been a part of her life since my father passed away. His work ethic has been a problem all his life, and has nothing now. He needs a car, from what she tells me. Mom doesn’t have money either, but does have a reverse mortgage. Dad got it a few years before he passed. It has allowed her to live in her home since. Her other brother, 87, recently took a fall and is ok, decided to move out of this home where he lived with his daughter and go into assisted living. He loves it. He’s with the guys and does the activities, says his daughter. I would love mom to be able to afford this, but am pretty sure it is not possible. Plus, she doesn’t seem to understand that it is not a hospital setting and believes he is being medically monitored. So, along with the old school thinking of nursing homes, she wants no part of living outside of her home. I know from reading on this forum that ideally, I should be looking at a continuum of care: from AL to MC to LTC AND accepts Medicaid. Should I bypass AL and begin looking at MC in my area that accepts Medicaid?
Her demeanor is declining, for example, telling me to shut up when talking with her to my husband about a ceiling fan repair he was replacing. Yesterday was dad‘s birthday and during our phone call, she didn’t acknowledge it but said “oh yeah, I remembered, yeah, but not when I woke up because I was concerned about what I had to do today“. Her leech brother had been there and had taken her on some errands. Up to three or four years ago, we would have had lunch or dinner in dad’s memory. But no more.
With summertime comes the yearly angst of talking about the need for her to use the AC on 90+ degree days. She keeps an oscillating fan on her with ALL windows/doors shut tight. I can’t do that this year and expect to be calling police to perform wellness checks. She doesn’t like me stopping by unannounced, but when I have, she is perspiring. I don’t go in because it’s too hot. She laughs at me, because “I worry too much.”
I know it’s a deteriorating brain. She’s trying to get primary doc to sign off on her license suspension paperwork, which they told me they will not do because the notification was not from them. She hasn’t been seen for a wellness check in many, many months. I feel I need to have some things thought out and planned before summer.
She was Diagnosed with mild neurocog decline at bedside by psychiatrist p, while in hospital. On follow-up appt. with attending neurologist after release from hospital, no further testing was scheduled. He had the same information I provided to the state about her decline. The State suspended her license, so I find it odd he didn’t run further tests ...
I'd start with a complete physical. And I'd let the doc know prior, if possible, that you really want to curtail her driving--so they will focus a lot on whatever they check for driving safety.
As far as those RM's--I am scared spitless by them. They seem so innocuous and such a great answer to elderly people, and maybe they are, but so many folks outlive the RM--and the money they could have used for LTC is gone.
My mom was furious at not being allowed to drive. She actually had hip surgery so she'd be in better shape to drive. The doc told her she would not be BETTER at all--just not in pain. She went from walking with a cane to being 100% walker dependent. Never drove again.
She simply signed the car over to YB, as it is the vehicle she is chauffeured around in. It was worth less than $500, I had no part in the 'sale'.
We've tried everything to get her to use different transport, but navigating Uber or Lyft is pointless as she cannot use her cell phone. Her one friend has severe macular degeneration and can barely see. YB will no longer allow her to drive with this friend.
ALL of the family has offered to be 'on call' one day a week, excpet for Sundays to take her wherever she wants to go. So she has 6 days with someone who will take her anywhere. She refused. I suggested in home aides. Refused. She WANTS to go with her one friend and she is simply not safe with this woman.
We haven't solved this problem yet and I am beginning to think we never will. She is super stubborn and wants everything HER way--when her back is against the wall she is angry and mean. It drives me nuts that she'll sit and complain to all and sundry that's she's been 'denied' her freedom when so many people have offered their help.
Sometimes--you simply cannot win.
to do it or have any parts of it. She gets rides from her leech brother who lives in the next state over. Mom isn’t on the internet, has no cell and doesn’t want one, so I offered to make the arrangements with Uber/Lyft. Refused, as well. She doesn’t want me to think she needs help, but obvious she needs some changes.
Your mom sounds like mine. Super stubborn and wants it her way.
I don’t care about winning. But mom does.
Next, about the reverse mortgage. A reverse mortgage is a LOAN to the homeowner which does allow the owner to stay in the home with no mortgage payments. The value of the loan is based on the applicant's age, interest rates, and the appraised value of the home. Unlike a traditional loan, the amount the owner owes on a reverse mortgage goes UP instead of down because interest and fees are added monthly to the balance, and the equity in the property goes down. The amount of the loan is often a percentage of the value of the house, not the entire value. Whatever that number is, it may be exhausted during your mom's lifetime. At that time she would probably sell the house and pay off the loan. The sooner the house is sold, the less the loan repayment would be and the more the residual proceeds she would have. Whatever is left would be hers to use as she wanted. If she wants to qualify for Medicaid, those proceeds would have to be spent down to the qualifying limit. If there is enough proceeds from the sale, that could be used to fund AL for her until it ran out, at which time she would need to rely on Medicaid.
I hope u have POA? If you have and haven't done it yet. get her evaluated for Dementia and get it in writing. See what your POA says about needing one or two doctors to sign off to make your POA effective. If you have no POA may be hard to get at this point, depends on what she can understand. My POA allowed me to sell. Mom was in very early stages of Dementia when we sold her car. She understood and signed off on the bill of sale and title. Since Mom can no longer drive, you should get rid of the car if that means placing it on someone elses property for now. You do not want anyone else driving it. Stop her car insurance. It is no longer what Mom needs but what Mom wants.
I don't know a whole lot about reversed mortgages. They sound good but I know there are loop holes. I also know they are based on the equity on the house. As said, eventually that equity will be gone. To me, if you need a reversed mortgage to stay in your home maybe its time to sell and use the proceeds to help offset the cost of a nice apartment. No taxes, no upkeep. I would check into this Mortgage just to see where Mom stands.
Yo do mean that in reverse, correct?
She went to PCP (twice), neurologist & psychiatrist (from ER visit in ‘19 where MCD was diagnosed) to get them ‘to help her’. They told her they will not sign state’s paperwork to reverse suspension. She won’t get back to driving because she doesn’t want ‘all those tests’ and equated neurologist as they psych. She was confused about her ER visit saying they didn’t know if she had a stroke or not. Told her it can be confusing, and that I had printed and given the hospital reports to her showing diagnosis. No comment.
I broke the news to her I am suspending auto insurance of $1950/year, keeping vehicle coverage of $120/year. Agent said the car cannot move one inch OR go off the property. Given her confusion about actual events in the hospital and unsure of neurologist and psychiatrist difference, I think a letter to Mom is needed, stating insurance change, to not drive the car OR allow her leech baby brother to drive it. I may send him a letter, as well, as I can’t depend on moms understanding any more.
Also, yes start looking at MC for your mom if she can't carry out her ADLs. If you're unsure I would have a discussion with the admin of a facility as to where they think she'd be best situated. But you can't make your mom go anywhere if you're not her PoA or legal guardian. Are you (or anyone) your mom's PoA? Without this legal authority you won't be able to do anything for your mom, even sell her vehicle. The only other option is guardianship by you or the county.