I haven't posted in awhile, but I read this site regularly to keep me sane. My profile has the whole story, but in short, my dad is 85 in the final stages of Parkinsons (at least I hope it is!) and my mom is 83. Both, against all reason and suggestions from a variety of sources, are still at home. I did manage to get my dad more support from the VA. They have caregivers at night from 8pm-8 am. My mom's mental health is declining rapidly (not to mention her physical health from all of the lifting of my dad that she does). She doesn't really leave the house, even when the VA is there. She is incredibly hostile. In my opinion, she has dementia. Some others in my family think it's burnout or depression. Whatever it is, I do what I can through the telephone and once per month visits because the situation was destroying my mental health. My last visit was horrific, as my dad was at the bottom of the stairs and they both were screaming at me not to call 911 because "we could handle it ourselves." After a grueling hour, I came to my senses and called 911. I have called the state. They said my parents are allowed to make terrible choices, like the ones they're making. My mom is 100% emotionally abusing my dad but in Illinois, I'm not sure that carries a lot of weight with the state. Recently, my aunt called me to try to figure out what my mom's issues are - depression, dementia or mental illness (I voted for all three). My aunt did ask me an interesting question. Why does my mom pay for private caregivers at night but not the day, when they're awake? My dad has a medical bed with gates. He does have night terrors from the Parkinson's meds. He doesn't sleep well. They definitely need someone to get him into the bed and out of the bed. But my aunt said if that's the case, we could have someone for 6 hours in the morning and 6 hours at night - so someone is there to help him in and out of bed. I am suddenly wondering - why do people have caregivers at night? I get the idea that it's so my mom can sleep. I get that she might still have some compassion left that she won't be able to sleep if she hears him yelling at night. But she sleeps upstairs. Is it that my dad needs calming down? Is it common for people to have only night care? Or is my mom doing this because she doesn't want people around during the day (which she has stated).
If you don't wish to ask her I am simply guessing that after a day with your Dad she is in no fit shape to not get a good night sleep. I suspect she is in fact desperate for sleep.
So that's just a guess.
She likely, from all you say has broken down to the extent that there is nothing left of her BUT a caregiver. Given age, she could well die before her hubby. Perhaps that is as she wishes.
She also is unlikely to trust anyone else with his care, believing that all others cannot conceivably know how to give him care as she does.
Best to you out in my home town. I am now here for almost years, but once a Chicago girl, always a Chicago girl.
Both parents still at home
Mom declining mentally - rapidly
Mom hurts herself lifting dad
Mom hostile
Both parents deluded that they can handle themselves
Mom doesn't want day helpers
Dad has medical bed with gates
Dad night terrors
These are their issues and there's more.
Dad is gravely ill. Your parents have mental issues, because neither thinks rationally. You need to be the sane one. So here goes:
Bad things happen at night. Patients will crawl out of their beds even with gates and injure themselves. They call out and cry, sometimes shout. They will forget they can't walk or toilet themselves and set out to do something that doesn't even exist - such as go see their mom. They set the house on fire, they wander outside, their terrors will cause them to yell, scream, try to run, find a gun to keep the imaginary thing from hurting them. They'll strike out at people around. They'll carry on conversations. They'll start looking for their deceased sister.
Your parents NEED night caregivers. They NEED day caregivers too.
Having caregivers on duty at night may keep your mom from waking up and finding your dad's dead body on the floor in the morning when she's all by herself. She might dread that.
I'm sorry, OP. They really need to be in a facility where they have 24/7 care. But they aren't the first elders to refuse what's best for them.
And why is she trying to lift dad? She should have equipment that will help her do this safely. Safe for him as well as for her.
This sounds like a dangerous situation for both of them.
When you call 911 next...and I am sure there will be a next time...notify the VA ASAP by the way but you need to say the following loud and clear:
He can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe for both of them.
And I think you’re onto something about mom wanting the night caregivers, both for her overnight rest and not wanting them in her house during the day.