Mom is overly concerned about “her kids.” Are my kids in the house? Where are my kids? I have to go home and fix my kids supper. Etc…. Her son, my husband, will be 60 years old this year. We realize she is regressing back to their childhood and is looking to care for her children as children and not adults with families of their own. She also had a daughter, which has passed on. It is strange because she knows her son by name. She knows she had a son which she named, but often thinks he is her “little brother.” What do you all believe may be the most beneficial way to answer these questions? I usually just tell her the kids are in the bath, downstairs in their rooms, or at school. She asks nearly every day to go home to help Mommy and Daddy on the farm. She had 2 sisters and 2 brothers which are all deceased. She is the only one of her family left at 79 years old. Often asks about deceased siblings. Sometimes I feel as though none of the answers (fibs) we give her, ever satisfy her and so we answer repeated tough questions over and over. Any advice appreciated as to how to lovingly answer and possibly satisfy her curiosity.
In her mind's eye, she sees her son as - perhaps 8 years old. She doesn't 'know' the 60 year person sitting next to her 'now.' Her ' present time,' is NOT the same as our / your 'present time.' She is not present - she believes she is seeing or believing reality of 50+ years ago.
It will help you immensely to understand what happens to the brain when a person is inflicted with dementia. Google Teepa Snow. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia, explaining both how to interact with a person inflicted as well as grounded education on what is happening to a person and their brain. I encourage you to watch her You Tubes, take her webinars, buy her books.
When you educate yourself on what the changing brain is 'doing,' many of your questions will be answered; in addition, you will learn / know how to respond 'better' to your mom.
Do understand that she is doing what her brain is 'telling' her - you cannot talk or interact with her AS IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA - her brain cells are dying. Her brain has changed. Once you study a bit, you will understand that you need to 'see' life through her brain, not yours.
This isn't an easy adjustment or education. Most people are 'tossed' into a situation of a loved one with dementia without ANY understanding (or education, training) of what is happening. It is GOOD that you came here asking.
My heart goes out to you. I can imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you, the family.
Gena / Touch Matters
I'm perfectly happy lying to my mum, even though I don't make a habit of being untruthful. That's because I'm very practical over matters, like this - I take after my mum!
However, I realise that many others would fret over the ethics of lying, especially to loved ones. (I worry about the ethics of causing unnecessary pain.)
So, I hope that lots of people see your comment, and are able to reframe their thinking about not being completely straight when talking to their loved ones with dementia.
A: They stay in assisted living as long as the family decides or until they pass usually. They are in that setting generally because either family is unable to care for them any longer or they do not have any family and they can no longer care for themselves at that point.
A: Yes it is okay to put signs up around the home for reminders to the mother. Pictures are always good no matter what. Personal belongings within a vicinity of a room or home to make a resident/patient feel as if they were still at home is a necessary thing because its comfort for the person with Alzheimer's even if they have issues remembering.
I will also say we all live with limited and different perceptions - that is, in a land of illusion. So when I engaged with my mom during rare periods of "atypical-orientation," or engage with my friend with AD who I visit regularly, I strive to keep in mind their perceptions may be completely valid - like living in another dimension.
My math PhD nephew says there are at least 14 dimensions.
From my own metaphysical & physics perspective, EVERYTHING is just a changing pattern of vibration.
So, yes my mother, at times, and my friend with AD perceived/perceive things differently. I can no more live in their world than they in mine. But as I have the capacity to recognize the situation, I strive to blend the worlds. I am in no way perfect in this regard, but I do my best and it seems to have worked (and works) out pretty well.
Have fun with this: https://nautil.us/12-mind_bending-perceptual-illusions-237228/
Really the best you can do is the therapeutic fibbing. Even if they are right there…play into their childhood…say they won be back from school yet, band practice, football, ballet whatever.
Sadly she will repeat questions even though you’ve answered, that’s because she forgot she just asked! Either fib or distract with something she likes…a treat, music, Tv, take out outside if possible to listen to the birds for a bit…whatever she likes. You can always ignore her…but I know that’s hard to do.
When she asks where my brother is, I always tell her "he's gone home", and that satisfies her.
When she asks about her parents, I usually tell her "I haven't spoken with them today". Same thing with her deceased siblings.
My dad is always "at work".
There is no need to tell her that they're all dead because it breaks her heart in the moment.
Telling her that everyone is just fine and all is well and it's a beautiful day goes a long way in avoiding anxiety and upsetting her.
I have not seen him for a while. When did you last speak to him?
What are you planning for dinner?
What needs to be done on the farm today?
Do you remember the vacation we took to____with aunt or uncle?
It may take the burden off of the cycling question to focus on an event with that person.
1. When she doesn't recognize her son, maybe have him walk out of the room, then walk in again wearing something else. I found out that doing something like this may occasionally trick them into recognizing you by accident. I had noticed that sometimes, if I happened to change out of my house clothes to go out, when I'd walk back into the room, it jogged something. I'm not saying this will work 100% or even 1% of the time but it's worth a try.
2. Humor her, like you've been doing (tell her that her kids are busy somewhere.) It's all you can do sometimes. My mother will frequently look at me straight in the eye and say, "rcnyc2364, where is rcnyc2364?" When I say I am her, she will firmly say, "No, you are not her. I am looking for my daughter." Or she'll ignore me and say, "Oh, you have the same name as my daughter." Unfortunately, that's how dementia is. There's no getting around it.
What you CANNOT do is change how she sees her world. Dementia cannot be reasoned with.
I personally don't believe in lies. They are no more believable to those with dementia than the truth. Help her put together simple puzzles. Watch Hallmark Channel. Whatever you can to divert her attention a bit. But don't expect her to "make sense" or to be able to comprehend real life.
As the late great Oliver Sacks observed "They have a very real world. It just isn't OUR world."
"The kids are reading a book." then redirect "Do you want to walk the dog now or later?
"The kids are out playing." then redirect "Do you want chicken or meat for dinner?
"It is raining today at the farm so we can't go help." redirect "What do you want for breakfast?
"You must really like helping on the farm. What to you like doing on the farm? Then stop and listen.
"You must be a big help to your Mom and Dad on the farm." redirect Do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast?
On the redirection statement it helps if you ask a question.
We would just makes sounds of hearing her, we would say, you know those kids, always busy and anything that would put her mind to rest for the moment, then redirect. Nothing stopped it but time.
She benefited greatly from having a life sized baby doll. She had something tangible to put her attention on and to nurture. Maybe your mom would find comfort in something like that.
I had tried a life size baby doll a couple of months ago, with no interest at that time. It’s worth a shot to try that again. Thank you for the reminder. I agree, It is definitely not curiosity when she doesn’t realize her son is an adult. It is so sad to watch a once very successful, independent store owner lose her independence and unable to take care of herself and have to fully rely on us and others for her every need. Alzheimer’s/Dementia definitely destroys the brain cells and is such a cruel disease.