Caregiving can be such an overwhelming job. I did the 'tip of the iceberg' for my in-laws compared to others on this site. What do you wish your friends/family would ask you or say to you in support? What could they do that would be helpful for you?
I ask because a good friend is on this journey with her parents (Dad with ALZ) who live with her. How can I support her in a meaningful way?
Her son spent the night with our family last night. He is a senior in HS and playing on the football team. I will be sure to stay with my friend's parents for several of the games so that she and her husband will be able to attend them together. I'm not sure who posted about missing their child's events but that struck a chord with me so I thank you for that insight.
I would keep asking her.. how is SHE doing..often you disappear as a caregiver.. or thats how it was for me. I would love for someone to send a card, call, ask me out for coffee... and just talk about how I am doing.. or any other subject to lift my spirits... the little things mean so much when you are in this situation.
You sound like a good friend..
Not that "mom help" wouldn't be soooooo appreciated.
I found it wasn't always what was asked but how many times. Do not take "I'm fine" or "Its ok"as an answer. We are lying, whether we know it or not. Push a little, follow through. So many people asked once and that was it.
Sometimes the thing I wished for the most was to not be asked, I prayed for someone to have the incentive to pitch where they could. To not have to be in charge to not have to think or instruct. For someone to step in and say "Shoo. I got this"
I'd also like to say you are a dear friend to your friend.
My wish? Someone to say " I'd like to come & fix breakfast or dinner for you?" My daughters offer to and bring over food/ dinner mostly on special occasions. His birthday, mothers or Father's Day. Never realized how much I enjoyed the break after my baby brother a chef in CA visited last month. I asked he stay with us instead of a hotel which he was glad to. I got up one morning, heard him in the kitchen and he was cooking us breakfast! Real hash browns and all the rest. I was feeling lost sitting and relaxing as he suggested. He also cooked a gourmet type dinner for us & other family members one evening! The breakfast was my best treat, because my mornings are so busy that sometimes I've wished someone would be here to make us just a bowl of oatmeal. Hubby never was much for cooking but now he couldn't anyway.
This aging care forum has been so encouraging for me. Knowing and learning how everyone deals or not with all situations. I don't post too much
but have learned recently to stop trying to be the superwoman my family always thought I was, & make time do do what I like. This is one thing I like.
I can't talk to family or few very long time friends like I do here. They don't nor do I expect them to understand. I try to let them know that they don't have to understand but acceptance is a difficult thing for many people to do. Including myself. I posted a note on my fridge this morning. Note to self: Quit doing stupid things!! I went out to check our mail yesterday & put both recycle & trash cans out. They weren't that heavy on wheels but my back was so sore this morning, I'm done. No more can do. I too have to learn to ask for help. I'll delegate to one of my adult grandkids to stop by on Monday evenings & take cans to the curb. I'm sure they will if I ask. I've tried to figure out why so many of our younger generation lack something called common sense. They are able to do most anything if asked but can't figure out simple stuff like " I'll call/txt Nana to ask if she needs something." Oh well. 🤓
Thanks to all. I've enjoyed my break.
Hugs & blessings. 😇
Always call before dropping in, ask if there is a good time and bring coffee, tea, some kind of snack they like, etc. You never know when they might be tied up with some kind of hands-on task, so it is better to prearrange a good time.
Ask if you can help out with anything that needs doing that they don't have time to tackle as often (gardening, mowing, painting, etc) and offer to "babysit" so they can get some time OUT on their own! Suggesting they make a to-do list (as one might not think of these things at the time when asked) would be good - then you can assess the list and tackle what you feel you can do and/or find a way to help out in another way. Ask if they want a regular sit and chat time during any quiet spells. Bring a prepared meal to some of these visits. They may have sitters, but probably don't leave/get out enough to take care of errands, etc or get a change of view for a little while. If going to do grocery or other shopping, ask if they need you to pick up anything.
Wish I had a friend like you!!!
I don't love it when people try to fix problems because they end up offering obvious advice that I've either already tried or just won't work for one reason or another. You can however ask if there is a problem you can try to help with. For instance, they may need a part-time sitter or housekeeper and you can do the research to find someone trustworthy. I know it's knit-picky but there is a difference in offering simple solutions to complex problems and offering to tackle a problem before you start trying to fix it.
When people ask how my mom is I know they mean well, but I want to say, she has Alzheimer's and there is no cure so she's never going to get better. So I would recommend you ask how your friend is doing and maybe ask what Dad is up to now. They are always up to something but not getting better. Cynical, I know, but it feels true to me.
Thanks for being a good friend.
If the family is at the point that AL or some sort of placement is near, I would much rather help encourage that, than tell my friend's dad "What a great job you are doing here on you own Bob!" -- that just undermines the family. Bob hears "You are fine, you can keep on living here, you got this!"
If mom keeps leaving her cane behind and walking, and she is supposed to be using it all the time -- I'd rather I know, then I can encourage "Sally, don't forget to grab your cane before you go to the kitchen" She can fuss, and I can maybe give a few words of "Why" that the family has shared with me . . . ."you wouldn't want to fall again, remember when you broke your hip and had to be in the hospital and rehab for so long?"
Grma always "Forgets" to wear her alert pendant ("I don't need that, I'm not going to fall"). . . "Gee Gertie, I see your necklace on the coffee table, let me help you put that on. I sure was glad to have mine on when I fell in the kitchen a few weeks ago. They helped me to call my son and he came and got me up and settled into my chair" Or some other story of it saving the day - to reinforce, "you don't know when you will fall - better to have it on."
As family/caregivers we fight so many small battles, and a well placed conversation with an "outsider" can either help us in our fight, or set us so, so far back :(
Just yesterday in the grocery, MIL was being stubborn and refused to push *just* the cart OR the walker . . . . .was trying to manhandle them both through WalMart. It was way too much, (and a fall/trip hazard *sigh*) and by the time we left (3 hours later) she was barely able to walk, crying out in pain every other step.
So many people just saw a sweet little old lady, hobbling along. Quite a few looked concerned, and I would catch their eye from behind her and say "I'm with her" They looked relieved, but still several said "Gee, you are doing good there!" NO she is doing STUPID there and going to pay for it for days. But everyone who said that, just confirmed for her, that she was perfectly fine. It couldn't be further from the truth *sigh*
In the case of your friend who, by the way, is very lucky to have you, just a couple of hours respite from caregiving so that she could go get a haircut, go to the beach, window shop, take a nap, do errands, go for a walk or any little thing most people take for granted would probably be so appreciated.
Recently my brother passed and there was a lot of emotional fall out over that. She's definitely going down hill and needs some help but it's expensive. But yes just call, show up and bring something. A meal, a card - money for an outing if possible. A plant and conversation.
I wish someone would say hey I will pick up some lunch and bring over when you are visiting your Dad.
Someone who would stop over when I am there just to help clean up a little.
An offer to make a meal for me that I could bring to Dads.
An offer to stop at the store an pick up a few things and I would pay them.
I have close friends who support me by having me over for dinner and that is a welcoming break.
Friends listen and support but doing is the value
As difficult as it is to ask for help, it is so important that we learn to do so... It is truly a sign of self-care when we, the caregivers, can state clearly what we need that would be helpful. It doesn't matter how seemingly small the request may be, it is imperative that we ask.
Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness or inability, it's actually a sign of strength and empowerment.
It's wonderful when friends or family ask what it is we need, but often times (as has been expressed in other answers) people don't always think to ask. As long as things seem taken care of, they can go blithely along in their own lives and perceptions.
Asking for help, support, guidance, encouragement, etc. takes courage... we're stepping out of our own "comfort"/"familiar" zone... Start with a small ask, just to get the feel of it and increase your chances of getting the help you need... it might be picking up a prescription, or stopping by for a visit, or bringing lunch... etc... then you can move on to more significant requests...
It is imperative that caregivers take as good care of themselves as we do of those we love... and we breathe...
People mean well when they say "if you need anything, just let me know" but I'm not going to call you and tell you to please come over and just sit with me or pick up something for me. Your friend may be different but that's how I feel and my perspective on how to help.
If you can in any way, help your friend. Be there for her at the end of the phone, bring her grocery shopping, help weed her garden, anything you can do for her if you can spare the time. Be there for her because as we know here, an awful lot of "friends" bail when we are forced to dedicate ourselves to elderly parents and aren't available to go out any more.
Ask your friend how she is, ask if she needs any help and if she does need help follow up on your request. If you can advise her on her parents please do. Be there for her on this long hard journey. We all know how hard it is to get support from friends and family on this journey and one good supportive friend means so much.