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Is that a physical check in wherein the person goes to the home of the elder? Are you in the same town, or is other family there? Because honestly, with dementia, there is no safety in being "home alone". ANYTHING can happen including wandering, fires, and a host of other things. Are you the POA?
No matter how many times you ask, it's not going to be safe to allow a parent with dementia to live "alone". Having a daily check in still constitutes living alone.
What a parent desperately wants is not what's safe or best, most times.
Not possible. And you don’t want to wait until something happens.
My friend’s mother had mild dementia but the family thought she’d be fine if they checked in daily. One day my friend walked in and mother had boiled a pot of water on the stove and forgot it. Pot was dry and there was a kitchen towel very close to the burner.
We tend to not realize how dangerous everyday appliances and tasks can be for those with mental deterioration.
This part sounds worrisome: "One day my friend walked in and mother had boiled a pot of water on the stove and forgot it. Pot was dry and there was a kitchen towel very close to the burner."
How was the "mild dementia" determined? Who said it was "mild"? Probably the best initial step is to get a professional eval by a geriatrics doctor or neuropsychologist, establish the level of impairment and ask them what the recommendations are for monitoring. Do they think she needs 24/7 in person monitoring or can it be less than that? they act based on the professional recommendation
My MIL gets a daily 'check in' from one of her 3 kids each day. Or at least she's supposed to.
What good does it do to check in on someone in need ONCE a day. You can walk out the door and 20 minutes later they have put something metal in the microwave and walked away. Or turned on the water to fill the tub, can't HEAR it and walk away and the water runs for 30 hrs until somebody else comes to check on them.
(All stuff that has happened with MIL).
It's a joke to think that one person 'checking in' on someone who needs 24/7 care is OK.
I ask my DH how his mom is every time he visits her. He says the same thing each time. "She's fine."
OK, if she's FINE then why were the EMT's called 3 xs last week? Why do you go visit for 2 hours and then come home and snap at ME?
I never see my MIL and don't plan to start. I think the kids have given up and are simply now waiting for her to fall and require hospitalization so they can then move her to a NH.
I think our situation is not that unusual.
The kids realize that she needs to be placed. But they say "She will die in a week in a NH".
I don't see the problem here. She'll be MAD, but she won't DIE.
Very good points. I had this issue too. My dad wanted to, and still wants to be at home (but I have said no and he is in AL). When we discussed the possibility of staying home with caregivers, I said it had to be 24/7 caregivers at home. He said " no way, I dont want people in my house while i'm sleeping". The thing is, his hours are all over the place. Even if he does fall asleep at a reasonable time he is up at least a couple of times a night going to the bathroom, then may go to kitchen and be up a while. But often he would be staying up until midnight or even 2 AM. So there is no predictable time when he would "just be in bed". And, what led to his fall and fractured neck was a fall in the bathroom at around midnight...... leading to hospitalization and now assisted living. Now we certainly cannot guarantee there is no recurrence without him having people around 24/7... thats my experience with him...
See your original post link (thanks to lealonnie1).
It is not safe to do this. You are delaying the inevitable and will only be forced into a different arrangement due to a crisis. Not a good strategy.
It doesn't matter if the parent doesn't want to go. Dementia robs people of their reason and logic and empathy. They don't see that they're not safe. They don't care that everyone is orbiting around them, fretting about their well-being and safety.
Please consider another arrangement, like a local and reputable AL facility.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Are you in the same town, or is other family there?
Because honestly, with dementia, there is no safety in being "home alone". ANYTHING can happen including wandering, fires, and a host of other things.
Are you the POA?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/parent-with-mild-dementia-desperately-wants-to-live-alone-in-their-own-home-what-are-ways-the-childr-484911.htm
No matter how many times you ask, it's not going to be safe to allow a parent with dementia to live "alone". Having a daily check in still constitutes living alone.
What a parent desperately wants is not what's safe or best, most times.
My friend’s mother had mild dementia but the family thought she’d be fine if they checked in daily. One day my friend walked in and mother had boiled a pot of water on the stove and forgot it. Pot was dry and there was a kitchen towel very close to the burner.
We tend to not realize how dangerous everyday appliances and tasks can be for those with mental deterioration.
How was the "mild dementia" determined? Who said it was "mild"? Probably the best initial step is to get a professional eval by a geriatrics doctor or neuropsychologist, establish the level of impairment and ask them what the recommendations are for monitoring. Do they think she needs 24/7 in person monitoring or can it be less than that? they act based on the professional recommendation
What good does it do to check in on someone in need ONCE a day. You can walk out the door and 20 minutes later they have put something metal in the microwave and walked away. Or turned on the water to fill the tub, can't HEAR it and walk away and the water runs for 30 hrs until somebody else comes to check on them.
(All stuff that has happened with MIL).
It's a joke to think that one person 'checking in' on someone who needs 24/7 care is OK.
I ask my DH how his mom is every time he visits her. He says the same thing each time. "She's fine."
OK, if she's FINE then why were the EMT's called 3 xs last week? Why do you go visit for 2 hours and then come home and snap at ME?
I never see my MIL and don't plan to start. I think the kids have given up and are simply now waiting for her to fall and require hospitalization so they can then move her to a NH.
I think our situation is not that unusual.
The kids realize that she needs to be placed. But they say "She will die in a week in a NH".
I don't see the problem here. She'll be MAD, but she won't DIE.
The thing is, his hours are all over the place. Even if he does fall asleep at a reasonable time he is up at least a couple of times a night going to the bathroom, then may go to kitchen and be up a while. But often he would be staying up until midnight or even 2 AM. So there is no predictable time when he would "just be in bed". And, what led to his fall and fractured neck was a fall in the bathroom at around midnight...... leading to hospitalization and now assisted living. Now we certainly cannot guarantee there is no recurrence without him having people around 24/7... thats my experience with him...
It is not safe to do this. You are delaying the inevitable and will only be forced into a different arrangement due to a crisis. Not a good strategy.
It doesn't matter if the parent doesn't want to go. Dementia robs people of their reason and logic and empathy. They don't see that they're not safe. They don't care that everyone is orbiting around them, fretting about their well-being and safety.
Please consider another arrangement, like a local and reputable AL facility.