Walked away from abusive, independent 91 year old mother-family says I should forgive and forget!

Struggling 1, I am so sorry you have gone through this for so many years. Many forms of abuse are hidden from the world. I'd play the recording for her doctor, let him/her make a care decision, hopefully placing your mother in some facility. The facility would see and make notations of her abusive behavior, which she would demonstrate the moment she did not get her way about whatever she demanded. With your mother's history I would walk away, visit her only when you wanted, and leave the minute she starts with anything. Stand firm and protect yourself. My mother is gone now, but many times I have thought I should have stood up for myself the minute I left home at 18. If I had stood up to her firmly and continually she might have straightened up; however, I doubt the NPD is ever controlled or stopped because the person never thinks they are in the wrong about anything they do, say, think, or arrange. If you choose to continue to see her I would carry a hidden tape recorder that begins to record with any sound. Protect yourself. Leave, do whatever it takes to have peaceful years ahead. Understand that you have not abandoned her, she has run you away and do not under any circumstances allow yourself to feel any guilt.

Double down on what Daisy said. I too have a 88 YO mom who has become abusive towards me. NPD, DD and very manipulative. Fortunately, for me anyway, I'm the only child. Only living relative she has. No one else to 'sabotage' me.

I just saved her from her first 'crisis'. Broken hip, Bleeding peptic ulcer and pneumonia , incontinence with Afib (all in one hospital visit!) I fixed her 1st story for her and a caregiver to live safely and comfortably: Grab bars installed, auto lights at front of house, Yard clean-up, two new smoke Detectors and a CM detector, Supplies, major house clean because of blood vomit and fecal matter in places, carpet clean, Hospital Bed, Caregiver bed, etc . .etc. Took me 7 trips and 2 months (600 miles each RT) to get all this done.

Begging me to get her out of re-hab and get her home, she allowed me to use her $$ to get everything done in her home. I did spend about $1000+ of my OWN $ for fuel, and some of the supplies I got at Costco for her. Once she got home and comfortable, including me helping her with her 2018 taxes, all her 'stuff' was taken care of , she turns on me. Called the police on me one day, accused me of stealing or DL and keys. Ok . .so I put them in a safe place in her office desk drawer.. I told her I did that. OMG! her world came to an end at that moment. She was in no shape to drive and she knew it. The good news is the police officer told me I did the right thing , 'it just didn't work'. So we disabled her car.

She has no will, no Trust, I have no POA - I don't care. Since HIPPA stands in my way, she is on her own. I watch from a distance at the moment. I'll call once in while and chat for a very short time. As soon as she starts in on me - I tell her the conversation is over. My husband refuses to talk to her now, because of the way she has treated me. Her best friends are now keeping their distance to a degree because of her 'cattiness' and irrational behavior. She talks bad about other friends too. Yet, no one can diagnose her incompetent. She's just a mean, narcissistic delusional woman. Even the caregivers cried a few times - she called them 'stupid'!

I can't get her to go to psych eval. Her doctor wont evaluate her. I'm stuck. And so is she. She's changed all the locks to keep me out now. ' Fine with me mom! I have no desire to visit you as long as you treat me like a criminal.'

She lives in a 3300 sq ft. 2 story home all by her lonesome. She's a shut-in. She refuses to sell the house and 'downsize' and threatens to kill herself every time someone mentions AL. She still hold's a valid driver's license too.

She's a fall risk. I'm sure there are some other risks as well. But I can't do a damn thing about it at the moment. I do have a plan though. I have retained an attorney. And I'm prepared, when the right time comes to call APS. Or , we just wait for the next crisis!

No guilt here.

A lack of planning on her part, does not constitute a sacrifice on my part.

My husband and myself come first along with our business and our home.

'Sorry mom. you asked for this. I don't need your money, or your nastiness. You're on your own just like you want to be!'

Sorry for the rant of a reply. I needed to let that out. Thanks for sharing your story. You are definitely not alone!

I might would have played the tape for your son from the get go.

Please make a copy of it.

People like this play so underhanded and dirty you never know what they will do next.
I would record the maintenance mans experience as well or direct APS to him. Think of the time she wastes for the world at large. No. Scratch that. Try not to.

Thank God you are out of it. Count it as a blessing.
Tell your son you wish he could learn from your mistakes. But step back and don’t muddy the waters for him. He will soon see on his own that he is no match for her. I do agree it’s best for you to let it go so you can move on but easier said than done I’m sure.
The problem with protecting our children from something is that they then have no valid experience of their own to draw on.

Sooner or later LIFE will catch up with her. It does with all.

Now how can you take better care of you? Focus on that.

Come here to vent. As you see there are others who have some idea of what you’ve been through but do try to let it go so you can have some peace in your life.

We care.

Here's how I think of it: Would you take that crap from anyone else?! Of course not! Then you don't need to take it from family either, even your poor 91 year old mother.

It's not easy, and people don't/won't understand but you have to take care of yourself and no one deserves that kind of abuse.

I would play that tape for anyone who will listen. Or just let it go and move on so you don't have to keep reliving that horrible experience.

No one has the right to abuse you, she is an abuser and is toxic. You did the right thing, let her go and let the chips fall where they may. My mother is her twin, I let her go 8 years ago, she is now 94, lives alone, no one in the family speaks to her except my brother, who feels guilty...ok. that is his problem..not mine. Your son will eventually figure this out, although women like her are normally nicer to men, than women...goes with NPD.

Let him get dragged into it...

He already is. In it, I mean. Hadn't you better, with as little rancour as you possibly can, let him hear the truth of it?

He can still love his grandmother. There's nothing to say that only nice, well-adjusted people get love, and certainly not that only nice little old ladies should get the help they do need. But he deserves to know what's true, and then he can make his choices without being made a fool of.

And so can you. Your mother is 91, and if this is what she is like then boy! - does she need help. That does not mean that you can be expected to provide it, or that you're the best person for the job.

And you? How are you? This is a big deal, you must be feeling terribly shaken.

If you can go away, go. You have endured so much. My mom is 80yrs old and all those thing you said yours says-it's the same here-minus the cursewords but she had been known to throw them around too but she can't say those things to other people because they wouldn't listen...covertly things are said. I'm the abuser and I'm the one who is unhappy with her being here and this is my fault and that is my fault. I never have enough money and it's not her fault I quit my job (actually that part is half true) but after years and years and years of dealing with the competition, the smear campaigns, the behind the scenes looks and jabs and nastiness. And anyone I've ever talked to-they refer to us as ya'll. Like it's both our faults we don't get along.
No of her 2 familial allies have not offered to take her in and she won't go anyway-they would then know what I know. Actually they already do but the old standby 'she is your mother' Basically I have been told to just put up with, ignore it, go to my bedroom. And the best one is take meds for my stress. ha! So, I have and guess what...same old same old. As long as they don't have to hear gory details -it's all good, right?
Not trying to hijack your discussion, but being here helps me to know I'm not the only daughter going through this with the npd Mom. I am stuck though because she is living with me and is taking pleasure in making me squirm. I can't reason and I can (never could) do enough, say the right thing enough ever. And I am getting close to being done. Sometimes, I am sorry to say-I don't know what the point is in all of this. If I were gone she could stay in my house. I am sure the relatives would help her remain here. Positive of it. With that thought I just want to run away-FROM MY OWN HOUSE. It's craziness.

I think every person in a family has a totally different relationship with any/all members of the family.

Mother has 6 children, 3 boys, 3 girls. Mom had her faves.

She had her good moments and bad. Sadly, many, many more bad. "discipline' was constant threats of suicide, from as long ago as I can remember, and we lived in our 'little house' until I was 8--and that's where I learned what the word meant.

I'm 62. No babe in the woods. I've really tried to put the 'crap' with mother behind me, but inevitably I do something wrong (very often, I've done nothing wrong, just misspoke, or cleaned something and then didn't put it away where it belonged--you know, 'unforgiveable' stuff.

4 weeks ago I had to go tell her I have cancer. A NORMAL mother would have shown some emotion--blink of the eyes, a slight tear. Nothing. Then she said 'Oh your daddy will be SO GLAD to see you again". WTH? I am not dying. Not any time soon anyway. THIS is her takeaway? I said "Well, gotta run."

I begin to share with friends and finally do the big jump to FaceBook so I could just get it out there.....over 200 people have messaged me, send cards, come to visit--just offered the kind of support you need in a time like this. I don't even think about mother, this is just her. (She turned 90, or maybe 89 last week. I sent her a card. No gift nor visit as I had a surgery on my neck remove a golf ball size lymph node that day. (She knew) Dh offers to call her and I said "I'm off her radar, just leave it".

Making dinner last Friday and she calls me (this would call #10 in the last 40+ years) "OMG! OMG! I have been calling all the hospitals in the valley! I couldn't find ANYONE ANYWHERE to tell me if you were OK!!" (By this point I have her on speaker as I was laughing so hard. "Mother!!! Stop talking. This is beyond ridiculous! You and I both know you made no such phone calls and you LIVE in a house with 7 adults!" (brother's kids grow you but never move away--they have 4 daughters still at home in their late 20's-mid thirties).

I wasn't hurt, not really---just amazed at the kind of behavior she is 'allowed'. My brother will not get her evaluated for cognitive issues--just for a baseline---and my other sibs don't care. I used to care, and to used to care for her on a regular basis. After this ridiculous and hurtful drama--I'm done.

I told her the names of all the people on FB (including her) who can look in there and see if I have updated anything. Said with 7 adults in the house she should be able to get one of them to talk to her.

You were incredibly SMART to make that recording. Make more and keep them.

Walk away. It really can be that easy.

Up to your son as to what kind of relationship she has with him. My mother adores 2-3 of her grandkids and none of the greats even know who she is. You have to give love to get love--and frankly, love it what it is. Nobody owes you any. But good kind people--generally bring love wherever they go and spread it around. Narcissistic people eat up all the love and joy and leave dusty clown tchotchkes.

Struggling,
Be done with that nasty, mean old lady! No “mother” would talk about her children that way. Just because she is your egg donor doesn’t mean a thing. Lots of animals have babies, raise them, then leave for good. Take a cue from that.

I believe you should copy your recorded conversation (‘cause she might grab your phone and break it or try to erase it) then, at least play it for your son. He has the right to know where you’re coming from and listening to that would set him straight.

I grew up with verbal abuse from my alcoholic Dad. (Called a whore at 10 years old, among other things). Mother was a narcissist who drank too much also. (“You’d be so pretty IF you did your hair differently and lost some weight).

Dad died with a clear mind but Mom got Alzheimer’s. She had the landlord call APS, telling them I threw her on the floor and stole her meds. I am an only child and was helping her daily but that pushed me over the edge. She phoned them a 2nd time to say I stole her meds again. When the Social Worker got there, her meds were on the coffee table! I was later cleared of any wrong doing by APS. (They never contacted me!) They could tell she had dementia.
That was when enough was enough, into a Memory Care facility she went.

I can forgive my mom because her brain was broken from dementia (however it was characteristic of her NPD.) But, if your mom has no dementia, then get the heck outa’ there and leave her to the other family members.
You served your time, your shift is permanently over and you have punched out for the last time! ⏰

Now go do something wonderful for yourself (like a 🚢 cruise or a massage 💆🏻‍♀️ with pedi and mani 💅🏼 , makeup 💄 and a new outfit 👗) or something else wonderful. And leave the past in the past.

I’m sorry we grew up that way but at least we aren’t like them! Hallelujah! 💃🏼🙏🏼

I too am never believed or trusted by my husbands family. I have never done anything to make them think that way. They just want to. Walk away. Now. Save yourself and let your son and others learn their own lesson

Walk away - you should not have to take this kind of abuse. Now - your mom needs help - I think mental issues are happening. Calmly play the recording for those "concerned" family members and ask them to see that mom gets professional help.

I also think your son needs to hear the recording. He needs to understand why ur pulling away. And you need to do that, step away. One of her accusations are going to stick. Someone is going to believe her. Get the maintenance man to write an affidavit about throwing out the food and the date he did it. Your son will eventually see her for what she is.

Protect yourself. Do u have POA? If not, this maybe a good thing. Because when she can no longer do for herself, you can't really do anything. The state will have to take over her care.

What you may owe this person, is to be clean, fed and cared for. If that means LTC eventually, so be it. You can help on the side lines by helping son. Do the shopping but let him take it to her. Tell him if he can't take her to a dr. have her ask a friend or get a taxi. May cut down on those dr. visits if she has to find a ride. When she complains u never do anything for her, play the recording.

Good Luck

Forgive for your own well being and keep on walking away. Forgiveness does not include forgetting. That's impossible.