They had their turn. How our situations are "unfair"

I completely understand and empathize with you & your situation. Many people try to explain away your feelings & make sense of an improbable & impossible situation. Welcome to the “Silent Generation” mistakenly sometimes called the “Baby Boomers” when in fact, that would be us. Yes, while people are living longer these days, our parents are the original “entitled” generation. They had it all their entire lives, good wages & employer provided benefits, pensions & retirement plans, low cost real estate & great interest rates. They paid low taxes & enjoyed what was the Great American Middle Class before it was destroyed. They are now enjoying their twilight years at everyone else’s expense without feeling shame or guilt saving that for us. My husband has been diagnosed with brain cancer .. he is terminal. My mother is 83 years & I am 62. She expects me to be at her beckon call and doesn’t ask but tells or orders me around. She is a malignant narcissist as I suspect your mother may be, and I share your frustration & anger. They are demanding & ungrateful. I have two brothers who conveniently moved far away & are selfish as hell refusing to lift a finger. I moved 3 hours away so it’s all on me. This generation refuses to give up an ounce of control and demands they be allowed to stay in their own homes while they ruin their children’s retirement years. My only advice is make time for yourself .. take a nice walk every morning, take mini breaks & let home health give you the respite you need. My only solace as I struggle between my elderly demanding ungrateful mother and my terminally ill husband is to remind myself what my Priest said to me years ago ..
“your rewards await you in heaven”.. wishing you strength & peace .. be well.

Heartbreaking.
Life can be tragic.
The one with the heart is used by the selfish one.
Know that people here grieve with you.

*Get an attachable bidet for their bottom.
*There are cleansing soaps you can use with a washcloth to wipe down their body that don't have to be rinsed or just washcloth wipes. It won't hurt their skin.
*There is a type of shampoo shower cap that you put on their head and massage it gently and well all over for a few minutes. No water needed.
* Look online for a bathtub "bench seat" with a back. Then get an attachable hose and shower head for your tub's spigot. You can wash them thoroughly using water once a week or have helper assist you.
*Make extra of different freezeable meals as you cook and put in freezer bags. Label date and contents with a sharpie pen. Oatmeal, grits, precooked sausage, bacon, juice boxes, small diced fruit in cans. Watch out for grapes and hotdogs etc that could choke them.
Google at home elder care items or words to that effect. Make it easier to care for them in their decline. Healthy Living, Carewell...
*It's hard because, unlike a baby you can't just pick them up and clean and and feed them. It's emotionally taxing. Look online for ideas to make it easier. Somehow I ended up caretaking 4 people throughout my life plus work. I had two church ladies help during the day. Still, the doctors visits, bathing, bed sheets... Hang in there.

Ffirst off, your comment about your parents not having to care for theirs, was this because your grandparents passed away young?
Second, you seem to be running thin from caregiving, burnout, which happens to almost if not all caregivers. Find yourself a support group and set up a BACKUP care plan for you to have YOU time.
Third - the feeling of guilt because you put your LO in a care facility is something that at some point is a learned behavior. Sometimes, you need to leave care providing to the professionals.
If you were married and your spouse becomes I indigent, would you feel the same way.
You're right it isn't FAIR, but was it fair when you studied your butt off and failed an exam, and someone else didn't study and is able to ace it? Is it fair a child is born with cancer? Is it fair being broke on payday but others have money. Life isn't fair. It is what it is and we have to make adjustments to the situation. I was tossed from taking care of my father with dementia, at the same time helping care provide for MIL, and right after my father's death I was care providing for my husband who too a serious fall which was due to what we later found d a Parkinson's diagnosis. During this time, I underwent 6 surgeries including replacement. Was that fair?
I think you need to get the mindset that it is not a bad thing or should you feel guilty for putting your LO in a care facility. I know I will most likely need to do this with my husband. Right now I get respite care for him. Just because we become adults does not mean that we won't need assistance later. Our two sons are proof if this, both had life events under the age of 40.
Seek out help with support groups and any resources available. Take care of yourself. Put your parents into a ALF and visit. Do research on what facilities are best for financial and care needed.
Best of luck
Take care

I feel as though I wrote this. EVERY word. I pray every day that my loved one would just go to Heaven.

You are right. This is not fair.

Please consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It's a non-judgmental group where you can VENT.

I don't know what I do without the group. And prayer.

Dear Not Fair--After writing about the changes in "expectations", it occurred to me that although my parents expected to care for their parents, they did NOT expect to spend a retirement jetting off to exotic vacations, having a luxury home on the golf course and entertaining lavishly. It was not what most retirees did in that generation. Consequently, they had no sense of deprivation in caring for their elders.
As suggested by others, perhaps you are simply exhausted as a care-giver and could find a facility that could care for your parent adequately. It would depend on their financial status mainly, but there are agencies who could help you arrange something. You would feel less pressured and surely less resentful. You could see your parent often and relate in ways that would be more meaningful to you both.

Really? Your parents escaped taking care of their elders? My parents didn't. I didn't. How did they get to be so lucky?

My parents took care or their parents because that's what they, in their generation, were expected to do. They knew that would someday be their responsibility. I remember my parents caring for my grandparents. They did butt wiping, changing bed linens over and over, cooking, feeding elders who could not not feed themselves, listening to complaints over and over. They may have, justifiably complained of fatigue, but I never recall them complaining of "unfairness". It was something one just "did" if parents were elderly and infirm. It was expected of everyone in their situation.

I myself did a fair amount of that, but considered myself fortunate because I could hire some decent help. I still felt the responsibility of their care. I was grateful that only one parent lived long enough to require continual intense care.

The needs of the elderly do not change much from one generation to the next. The difference is that the expectations of their children do.

Plenty of supporting and helpful comments. A few useless doozies. Ignore those. Several of us have responded to them, but in general it doesn't seem to deter them. Minds set in concrete, their way is the only way. Worse is the ASSuming, finger pointing, name calling. UGH!

"I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out."

So, if moving them to AL is easy, DO IT! Guilt is only for those who have done something wrong. You haven't and even moving them to AL isn't doing something wrong. If they start, you walk away, hang up the phone, whatever it takes to distance yourself from their attempts to lay guilt on you.

I didn't take my mother in or move in with her. I did help as best I could when she was still living alone, esp after we had to take the car away (better to listen to her whine than have her kill herself or someone else!) After moving to MC (I did try the aides, but she thwarted that), most everything fell onto my plate. Either I did it or it wouldn't get done (2 brothers.) IF they agreed to something, typical they'd screw it up, which would make MORE work for me. Little Red Hen syndrome. unfortunately, they will get their cake and eat it too.

I hear you on the "fairness." Some commenters just don't get it. Some compare it to them raising you (NOT the same, by a long shot!) My parents had a LONG, GLORIOUS, FUN-FILLED retirement!!! At least TWENTY YEARS! Trips to Europe. Cruises. A condo in FL for winter. Parties with family and friends. They had a WHALE of a time! I don't even want that. But despite not taking physical care of mom, 6+ years of MY retirement are under the bridge, out to sea, gone, never to be seen again! Almost 2 years of that was devoted to clearing, cleaning and getting repairs done to her condo so we could sell it! It was 3 hrs round trip, so multiple trips/week to get a few hrs done. Most of the work I saw to - getting bros to help was almost as bad as doing it myself!

SIX long years - it was hard to see my son and his family (including the one and only grandchild!) Once a year just doesn't do it, but they are far enough away that it's hard on me, and I was reluctant to be too far from home/where mom was in case of emergency.

It is what it is, and I've done the best I could for all those years. Hopefully in some small way she appreciated it. The sad part was not being able to visit with her. We couldn't do phone calls (hearing was bad), or video calls, and her windows faced an interior garden with no access. I had to write things down rather than me talking, but she would read and answer. We got by. I did try 2 scheduled visits, outside and inside, but with masks and 6' apart, I'm not sure she even knew who I/we were.

I don't fault them so much. It was their retirement. Yes, watching over things and managing things for mom has cut into my retirement (aka not doing the rat race daily, but also being on fixed income!), but what irks me more is my brothers and their lack of care and concern for mom. On top of that, they've gotten off scot free! OB is 1 yr older, and has his whole retirement to himself. YB is 10 yrs younger, and will have HIS whole retirement to himself. Me? Who cares that I've given up the first 6 years of that. Hopefully my health will hold out to be able to enjoy some of the rest... Meanwhile, I'm saving whatever I can so that if I need care, my kids won't have to worry about me! I've told them to find a place and just manage things for me. Yes, it will still impact them as it did me, but maybe less.

OB isn't local - he came up a few times to help with big condo stuff (a few trips vs TWO years!) When we went to see mom on this trip, she was OVERJOYED to see him! I sent him back for a visit before condo work and when suggested again, he refused and never went back in 2.5+ yrs. I gave up asking YB to visit, She used to ask about them, but stopped. :-(

Plan your own care....if we all would've known this phrase when we were younger....like teaching your kids to save money....I never really had that kinda guidance as a young girl...you helped your parents, that's what was expected...now that I'm quickly approaching 60 I've had it taking care of others...I admire all health care workers...and I chose not to be one!...I'm a hairstylist, love it,it's been a great career.! After a day of 15 to 20 clients I'm exhausted.....they all ask about my aging mom(83) and how great it is to have her....this sounds terrible but she wears me out more than my full time job..I'm the only girl with 4 brothers.... 2 are local,no help...1 lives 3hours away..and my oldest brother passed 2years ago at 59 with lung,brain and bone cancer ..( I was his caretaker for 10 years,he also was paranoid schizophrenic).mom is on a fast decline,sponge baths only(that doesn't really work) constant UTI's ,only walks with walker,wayy overweight, copd,back surgery,breast cancer,one total knee replacement (sept),2nd knee replacement is coming in a week,must come straight home due to covid,.I got a call a day ago that someone has to be with her 24hours after or no surgery,she just kept repeating this til I caved and said I guess that's me....no problem let me move those people off that tuesday... but what about hour 25 and after? yes she gets some in and out nurses and therapists...I sound like a whiny baby but I'm tired of the stress this puts me under. The brothers have had it with her,(she's the boss,always in charge) I tell her to call them for help ,they always get a pass. I made her find her rides to cancer center (thank you volunteers) I was busy getting my brother to his treatments, I lost track after 96 appointments. She told her only grand daughter she was going no where,no AL for her. I was asked again yesterday when I was gonna retire NOT EVER! I know this trick...my guy just retired and we are soon to marry....can we move far away? Jk...I love my mom but wish she would've planned for her future..I would love to go to AL, 3meals,social activities! I've had this talk with my kids...rant over..bless all of you caregivers,take care of you♡

Dear ExhaustedOne,

(((hugs)))) I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I know being selfless is a thankless job.

It's so hard when you're so responsible and dutiful and caring and loving and over time it takes a huge toll.

I truly hope you'll find another way, my friend. There comes a time when we have to put ourselves first and consider a nursing home.

Thinking of you.

I definitely feel your pain and frustration. I never imagined my senior years would be spent being my mom's (98) caregiver. I never imagined mom being so helpless and needy as she was so strong and independent. I have been doing this for 1.5 years. I'm sure many here have been caregiving alot longer. Mom forgets that I'm a senior now too and still working fulltime. I miss being spontaneous. I miss my "me" time. I miss my privacy. I have told her that she will probably wind up burying me first. She laughs.

A thought just came to me reading through all the replies here - and elsewhere. Maybe we are all trying too hard? All this insisting on bathing, cleaning, nutritious food. And trying to be accommodating. I seem to remember that no-one was this fussy some time back. No-one bathed but once a week. Food was what was put in front of you or you went without and so what if you only eat ice-cream at that age? When elders back then got demanding, people put their foot down: said No, or Later, or Not now, or Sorry, I'm tired you'll have to wait. Just as parents used to do with children. Maybe we are "spoiling" the elderly and making a rod for our own backs when we should quite reasonably be creating a fair balance between their lives and ours and telling them so. Maybe we do all these things for our own sakes, not theirs (like young women wanting to be the perfect mothers, probably to the detriment of their children). Just a thought. Just saying ... comments expected.

As I used to tell my grandkids, "Fair? you want Fair? There is one in Indio in February and one in Pomona in September".

Taking care does not necessarily mean hands on. You can see they have the necessities from a distance. You sound burned out and it is time for you to make change. Only you can do it and don't feel guilty. You will still be the caregiver, just from a distance.

Rereading your post, this may not apply to you but there are many small homes she could be in that give more care. Anyway, read the following paragraph for ideas.

There are many Assisted Living places that are great. My ex is in one in Omak Washington, When my daughter called me crying that she just couldn't do it any more I told her to look for an AL and not call it a "home" or "AL", tell him and everyone else that you found him a great studio apartment in town. That is what it is. It has a bathroom, kitchenette, and a large room that serves as a bedroom, sitting room. They have one bedroom apartments there too. He self paid for 3 years, the minimum is two, now he is on medicaid. They also have a dementia wing if needed. I would go there as long as he wasn't. My late Aunt was in one like it in Dallas Texas.

Whoever told you life was fair?

If it gets to the point where you can't properly care for them, then please send them to an old folks home. No one should be forced to care for their parents for 10-15 years as they progress into late-stage dementia and begin acting strangely and unreasonably. You need to set down some ground rules, and if they start complaining just walk away and ignore them. Old people just complain and complain and complain if you let them. You sound like a very passive person, who needs to start standing up for yourself. They may be your parents, but if they act like children, then treat them as such. They'll quickly learn to behave or be forced to endure something unpleasant.

Bottom line, they never had to endure this, so they can't understand it. "Well, I raised you for 18 years!" Yea, but you didn't have to do everything for me for 10-15 years straight. Even then, children tend not to complain as much as old people do. Old people can be toxic to your health, and I fully understand what you mean by just being tired and underappreciated. They can easily take things for granted. My only recourse with my toxic aunt was to cut all ties with her and say, "Good luck and I wish you the best." I sent her to an old folks home and you know what? It felt good. I gained weight, had next to no free time, and lost a lot of wealth-building caring for her. It's just not worth it.

Reading this and all the responses has also really helped me to see I need to make a change in my mother's care also. It will be 4yrs in April. My father passed and my family and I moved in to their house over night. Sold our house. Mom is declining, but still very physical, angry and violent at times. She also argues and fights me to not shower, change clothes, and wash fecal matter off her hands. She insists on trying to do all herself. But she doesn't. She says, she's not dirty. That I am. And she pulled my hair and punched me in the face on Christmas eve, because I was trying to take off a soiled depends. I went to bed crying. Yes this is not the person she was when my parents were younger and we would talk about never putting her/them in a nursing home. But this is hurting me and my family. I'm 56 my youngest daughter is 13. And I've missed a few things in her life this past yr. And she gets very upset when my mom gets angry with me. So I hope we have helped you. Because you helped me. I promise next week I am taking with my brother to find a place for my mom. He and his wife have not helped at all either. And they promised they would when we moved here. Prayers and good luck to you.

Dear Exhausted,

I'll take a leap and say that I think we're ALL exhausted. The subject of 60+ y/os taking care of our 90+ y/o parents, as a result of improved medical and health improvements in our parents' lifetimes, is the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. This reality might have been anticipated 50+ years ago, but it wasn't, so here we are (us on this forum). I work to maintain optimism despite my age and exhaustion, that within the next generation or so, American society, culture, politics, and economy will significantly become more adaptive to this reality.

Imho, our situations are apt to be "unfair" due to medical science. In days of yore, no doubt age 73 was considered quite elderly, e.g. because there are now newer and more advanced ways of treating illnesses. So where does that leave the caregivers? Angry, bitter and more, but if we hang on to these mindsets, it is going to be counterproductive to life itself. Prayers sent.

People are living a lot longer than they used to and hang on despite chronic illnesses. All my grandparents died suddenly in their 60s and 70s. We went to the hospital to say goodbye after a stroke or heart attack. That was the norm.

There was no warning for anyone of this new longevity. How many close to or over 100 year olds are in the news getting COVID shots? A lot!

It’s nice to have our elders around more years, but it’s been a painful and expensive surprise for all of us.

My older sister felt this much more than I did. When Mom first started needing a little help, I was 3,000 miles away and working full time. The only sister to retire early lived only 15 minutes away from Mom. She did have issues with it. I remember her telling me that she did not take early retirement to spend all her time taking care of Mom. She urged me to retire and move to help her. About 2 years later, I did. I did not do what she did, though, and put everything into caring for Mom. I started out with boundaries. No more than 2 half days per week, no housekeeping, no personal hygiene.

Most people don't think about it until it is too late, but one should always begin care-giving with clear boundaries. You need only do what you agree to do. Don't let anybody tell you that it is your "duty" to sacrifice yourself for a parent. It is not. Your parents' well-being is primarily their own concern. After that primary responsibility, it is a family concern. No one person should allow themselves to be "stuck" with Mom or Dad. That is not fair to anyone.

Find your boundaries, state them clearly, then live by them and with them. If your parents really cannot take care of themselves they will need to find residential care that is within their budget. Good luck getting your feet on the ground and your back up. The others in your family will be a bit taken aback when you quit. Quietly remind them that it is no more your responsibility than theirs. Then keep quiet. Leave the room if you need to, just don't get caught up in explaining or you will lose.

Do you or any of the others have POA of the parents? It definitely sounds like you are getting tired of dealing with everything, I hear ya loud and clear.  A lot of people are dealing with what you are and have no help.  It might just be time to say enough is enough and find a good Elder Attorney and see what options you have in placing your parent.  Don't feel guilty and do NOT let the parent make you feel guilty.  Not everyone is cut out to handle all of what you are doing and it WILL only get worse as time goes on.  Even during this virus crisis, places can take in patients, they will just test them, quarantine them in a separate area before putting with the rest of the patients. (at least that is what they are doing in my area).  This way YOU can take care of YOU and be your parents "child" again and not the tired caregiving person.  Its hard asking the parent OR reminding them to do things that they don't want to do because, well they just don't.  I am guessing the parent has dementia if they have to be reminded of stuff.  Like I said, things will only get worse and equipment might be needed to lift the parent in and out of bed, etc.  So it might be beneficial for both you and parent to become that again (parent/child) and let a facility take care of her 24/7 where you can either visit thru a window or "dressed in all gear" to visit shortly.  I wish you luck and hope things get better for YOU.

I hear your pain and frustration. I understand the anger. It did seem like a Sunday visit was about as much as my parents did for theirs. We are now completely caring for them daily! We were fortunate that dad had the finances to buy I home on our street. Now that he is alone and 94 hrs old, I am his caregiver. I am lucky at this point that he still can take care of showers and toilet by himself. But when he’s sick it’s all me. I have showered him and wiped after a bad mess in bed. I am angry and resentful that he ( who has $) won’t let me bring in help. Even part-time. So I have put my foot down( thanks to years of therapy) and I will make his meals, clean his bed and clothes but I will NOT clean his house or him! Their stubbornness and selfishness is the worst. I am so sick of hearing how poor he was and how hard life was. No joyful stories. It’s like his beautiful family never existed! Only unhappiness. He tells me I don’t understand. No apparently I don’t understand anything because his presence makes me depressed. He is here every evening for dinner and the minute he walks in I feel the air getting sucked out of the room.
sorry so long. I guess it’s the end of the year venting! I won’t even get started on COVID isolation. That’s a whole different story! Take care and happy new year to all the beautiful souls who unselfishly care for others without getting the appreciation we all deserve 🍾🥳🤪

Dear ms snowflake,
life is not fair. Leave. are you waiting for their money. Are you living in their home free while their money is paying mortgage and bills and probably groceries. You are not the only people who are put in position to take care of their loved ones. Both my parents are deceased now. You sure sound like you do these things in the most loving compassionate way. Put them in a nursing home on medicaide. get your siblings to give you a break.

I so get it ! I have had the same holiday wish everyday for the last few years. I have had enough. I don’t even have any other family to help me. No one. My bright side is she doesn’t live with me, but all the calls, visits, begging I have to do pretty much consumes all of my time and energy.

I am so done! I want to run off and never come back.

People did not live this long in prior generations, unless they were of extremely sturdy stock. As a result elderly children are caring for ancient parents. I don't think anyone planned for this. Add to that, loss of income which effects your social security, missing adventures you could have had only to be unable to do them because after caring now you are the old person.

Medicare provides respite placement so that caretakers can take time off. Make use of this.

You are absolutely correct it's not "fair". It is, however, the way things are now. (((Hugs)))

I hear you as well. In my case, the biggest part of the problem was that elder was in complete and total denial that she needed any significant help. Here are some examples of what I experienced and there were many, many more:

Elder: "Is it too much to ask that you should pick up my pills? YOU won't let me drive."

Reality: I not only "picked up pills" but I called doctors to find out what she was supposed to take, communicated with pharmacist regarding same, worked things out with pharmacy when elder damaged one of her scripts and it could not be used. I also made sure she took meds, I hid the ones that she tended to want to to take too much of, etc.

Elder: "I need a few things from the store."

Reality: I did all shopping, portioning, cooking, dishes, etc while elder complained and said that my food gave her diarrhea. (For the record, she had already had stool incontinence issues before I ever cooked for her. I don't think my cooking made anyone sick!)

Elder: "I leak urine once in a while - I just need a pad."

Reality: Urine incontinence. Ongoing accidents and refusing to change wet clothes. I cleaned stool from the carpeting as well. Smear marks from stool in bathroom from her inability to manage bathroom independently or clean up after herself.

I think many elders don't get it how much help they really need. Sometimes, they don't remember (or maybe choose not to) how many times they issue mandates to caregivers in a day. I think mine was so scared of what would happen to her if she could not stay home that she minimized things in the hope that somehow it would become true? It didn't help that we had a meddler who reinforced elder's belief that it really wasn't that bad, etc, etc, and that I was exaggerating the problem to justify putting elder in a facility. Sad as it was, I couldn't let anyone's feelings hide the truth: elder needed 24/7 care and that's where she is now. The only other alternate solution anyone could come up with (including the meddler) was for ME to try harder and get more "efficient." Really? My life had already become a prison. Looking back on it, I don't know how or why I survived.

I’m not having to give the same level of care as you, but I feel much the same way. 91 year old Dad lived In his home 51 years until this past September when I finally convinced him he was not safe alone and he reluctantly agreed to move to AL. He has a lady friend in another apartment (together for 15years) but mostly he is alone. He uses a scooter and rarely his walker, so his mobility is terrible. He just spent two weeks in the hospital for a UTI and sepsis, and pretty much refused to work with PT to gain strength, so now he is in rehab for who knows how long. He knows he needs to put some effort if he wants to go back to AL, but I am afraid he will end up in a nursing home and shrivel away in misery. When he was in the hospital I was almost relieved that he was declining, hoping that it would be the end. It is hard to watch a man who was so smart, so capable, turn into a baby. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and guilty for convincing him to move out of his home. I know how you feel.

If the money is available to put them in assisted living, and it won't bankrupt you, send them to assisted living. There are beautiful places where they will be well taken care of and you can maintain at least some of your lifestyle. I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years and you will not get less angry. How you respond to the guilt thrown your way is up to you. If your parents or siblings don't have any practical alternatives that include their participation, then they have no right or reason to pile guilt on you. Put your parents in assisted living, go visit often, bring gifts and give your love that way.

If the money is available to put them in assisted living, and it won't bankrupt you, send them to assisted living. There are beautiful places where they will be well taken care of and you can maintain at least some of your lifestyle. I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years and you will not get less angry. How you respond to the guilt thrown your way is up to you. If your parents or siblings don't have any practical alternatives that include their participation, then they have no right or reason to pile guilt on you. Put your parents in assisted living, go visit often, bring gifts and give your love that way.

Hello EO,
First I’m sending a you very big virtual hug. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and you have every right to feel what you do.

The other posts are correct. You need to contact social services, elder care, and start researching memory care facilities.

It will be difficult at first to deal with the guilt. Your mom sounds like she is a travel agent in guilt trips. If she’s in a facility she will complain but eventually will adapt. Plus you don’t have to deal with her guilt trips everyday. Right now you’re so resentful (as you have every right to feel) you are losing sight of the joys in life. You may wish to consider therapy.

Your siblings need to keep their comments to themselves unless they are going to help you find a facility or pay for home care or help in any way. So disregard them (it can be tough) and make decisions to help your parents and yourself.

In the end it will be for the best to have them move out. You need to have a quality of life which right now you can’t have because of them. You deserve to have your time and be free.