She is in Assisted Living. Her short term memory is pretty much gone. The funeral will be 8 hour drive to probably her favorite place on earth where she grew up. She is medicated for high anxiety and depression. I will definitely tell her of her brother's passing. I believe she will probably remember most of the time. I think it helps her to stay on her routine. I know there are people reading this who have had to make similar decision. What did you do, and did you regret it? My brother leans towards not taking her.
When my Mom had passed, my Dad was there for the viewing and for the Mass which was in town. But Dad wasn't able to go to the cemetery as it was many States away [family plot]. If we flew it would have been difficult as the last time Dad flew was decades ago when flying was so much easier. If we drove, it would take 2 days. Dad's dementia was just starting, but the trip would have been too much. And too much for me, too, being a senior.
She would probably not like the crowd of people either. With Dementia, possibly poor hearing and vision it would be that much more confusing.
The fact that she is medicated for high anxiety and depression is more of a reason not to take her.
I would also NOT tell her of her brothers death. Or if you do tell her once do not tell her again if she asks about him. Going through being told of a death once is sad and difficult but to relive it over and over is heartbreaking.
My mother attended her sister's funeral; later on she sometimes checked with me that that sister was dead, not being sure about it; but she wasn't distressed by the funeral itself.
My friend's mother had galloping Alzheimers and attended her husband's funeral flanked either side by a daughter: it wasn't a disaster, nothing terrible happened, but at the same time I'm not sure who benefited from the exercise. I suppose they got her there because it was the "proper" thing to do; so perhaps that was some comfort to them, knowing they'd observed the decencies.
As you say you're definitely going to tell your mother about her brother's passing away, I assume you're confident she will be able to take in the information. So that being so, perhaps the best thing would be to tell her what's happened, say when the funeral is, and then leave it to her to say if she wants to attend but don't prompt her. If she doesn't say anything, don't take her but keep back a memento of the ceremony - such as an order of service, if there is one - to give her in case she asks.
My Aunt had dementia and we did not tell her when my father died. She was nine and he was three when she took responsibility for raising him and his seven year old brother. These three were the closest siblings I have ever seen, but the kindest thing for her was not to tell her. We figure she got a wonderful surprise when she got to heaven and he was waiting for her.
You say she has short term memory loss. If you feel she must be told, tell her once and not again. It is cruel to make someone re-discover the death of a loved one over, and over again.
Telling her is one thing, dragging her on an 8 hour trip could be torturous for all involved. Bathroom breaks and food breaks could be a nightmare.
If my sister and most of her kids hadn't gone with us, I wouldn't have taken her by myself. She did fairly well. However, at one point during the funeral, she suddenly started crying. We're still not certain why but think she may have recognized her mother laying there.
All this to say that the decision is individual, and shouldn't be taken lightly due to dementia and what the change in routine may or may not cause. Good luck with whatever you decide.
My mom lives in a memory care facility. About 4 years ago, when she still lived at home, my cousin took her to an aunt's funeral. On the way there, she kept asking "whose funeral are we going to?" About 6 months ago, she starting asking about relatives who died 50 years ago - thinking that they were still alive. You said her short term memory is shot - that says it all. The experience may cause a lot of confusion for her and since she already suffers from anxiety, why upset her further.
You mom isn't that same person anymore, just go on her behalf; people will understand.
No.
You don't even have to tell her that he died.
Keep it simple.
My mom had Dementia, and for a year or two before she passed away at 92, I sheltered her from depressing news. It had nothing to do with her age. I told her sister, my aunt, all the news of the family, good and bad, until she passed away at nearly 102. She had a clear mind, and handled sadness and grief like someone many decades younger than her.
I didn't want to put my mother through pain, when I didn't see what purpose it would serve. Her memory was like a sieve - some days she would remember some things, other days her memory was quite foggy. If I had told about family deaths, it would sadden her tremendously when she remembered what I told her; most of the time, however, she would not remember that I even told her.
Sorry for your loss.
My dad passed away before his only brother, and thinking we were doing the right thing, we insisted his brother be informed. We had to rely on relatives to do it, because we didn't live nearby. The relatives were reluctant to do it, knowing how bad his memory was, but we insisted. Big mistake, and boy did we regret it later. He was informed, was very sad and depressed, and then 30 minutes later, forgot all about it. At least 2-3 times per week, for the rest of his life, he asked about his brother and why he didn't hear from him anymore (they used to write each other every week) - so the relative caring for him would have to explain all over again that he had died (and was probably cursing us under their breath the whole time - rightfully so) - and it was like the loss was new all over again. He would be sad and depressed until he forgot it again, only to have the loss and pain renewed every time he was told.
Don't do it. Not only is the trip too hard for her, the funeral will be distressing and confusing for her. If she doesn't ask about her brother, don't tell her. If she asks, you're going to have to do a little fancy verbal footwork and redirect her to something else to avoid telling her. Trust me, in the long run, it's better not to expose her to this long trip and emotional turmoil.
Make it a two day trip. Four hours on the road per day is ENOUGH.
Make sure you have at least one other familiar person with you in the car.
Make sure you spend the hotel nights in the same room as your Mother.
Make sure you take along night lights to guide the way to the bathroom.
Make sure while you are in your Mother's hometown that you do a sightseeing tour of her choice and do not hurry her . She will have a lot of pleasure remembering and seeing her old stomping grounds. Also make sure she is able to connect with old friends and family while she is there.
This will be an exhausting and rewarding trip for both of you. One that you will never forget. I am sure, though that she will forget.
If she had worse dementia, and she will, I don't think her answer would change. But, do give her the option--bearing in mind that this sounds like quite a trip with a lot of "what ifs" involved.
Driving for 8 hours is a lot for someone with anxiety. They may act up in the car while you are driving or try to get out. If you decide to bring her along, make sure you have another person in the car with you in addition to the driver.
I remember going back to where I had grew up to visit 30 years later. It didn't feel like home. Boarded up houses and store fronts. Landmarks that use to guide me were gone, and newer buildings in place of old fashioned store fronts. The beautiful tree lines streets barely had a tree left. Made me wish I never went back :(
Yikes, my old high school was converted into an Assisted Living building. Wish I could have gone in there to see how they had redone the inside of the building. I was glad the building was put into use, as it stopped being a high school in 1964. The city had a habit of abandoning these school building having them sit vacant for many decades :(
It is a sister/brother, a sibling.You do not have to "stay the entire time."But to say goodbye,see her or him one last time, would make me want to do it."I would bring a family member, lots of water for the drive. 7 to 8 hrs.,is not a real long drive to me."Take the medication with you, prior to getting on the road, for a nice road trip/and or whenyou're there. Get her comfy in your vehicle and go. I would do it. Stop in a hotel if warranted,to rest up/and or a restaurant,for a meal or two.I think it would be alright.ASK A DR., first is it ok.
This is what a family member of mine did,and they been going on drives for 1 to 5 hours at times,or 6,and doing well,it helps with a dementia patient and it personally with my own loving parent going through light stages/first stages and dad is happier on a drive it seem,and never bemoan and love it,then he come home relax, sleep off and on,get up do a lil' in-house,and yard golf game,and have snacks,meal and enjoy each day and we are witnessing this.
So the drive imo(in my opinion)will be fine. But,even recently we ask the dr., and he said it is ok for him to leave town,just for a day or few days even,and we were so happy to hear this so when we go visit his 88 or 89 y.o. sister in further east toward ny/nj delaware tri-state,we know he will be happy, just fine.
Also:
I am just that type of person..I am one who would do it, no matter what take my parents to their own blood-kin funeral/wake and or 1 or the other or both even if i had to fly her or him there 15 to 50 hours away.But that's just me. This was her sibling and that is always relevant, no matter what. God bless.