She is in Assisted Living. Her short term memory is pretty much gone. The funeral will be 8 hour drive to probably her favorite place on earth where she grew up. She is medicated for high anxiety and depression. I will definitely tell her of her brother's passing. I believe she will probably remember most of the time. I think it helps her to stay on her routine. I know there are people reading this who have had to make similar decision. What did you do, and did you regret it? My brother leans towards not taking her.
When my Mom had passed, my Dad was there for the viewing and for the Mass which was in town. But Dad wasn't able to go to the cemetery as it was many States away [family plot]. If we flew it would have been difficult as the last time Dad flew was decades ago when flying was so much easier. If we drove, it would take 2 days. Dad's dementia was just starting, but the trip would have been too much. And too much for me, too, being a senior.
You can't predict how she would react if you were to attend the funeral, especially after such a long drive. I think it is useful to remember that persons with memory loss may not remember the actual event, i.e. her brother's funeral, but the feeling of seeing him in a casket would likely upset her for a considerable amount of time.
Also, it would be stressful for her to encounter people that she no longer remembered, as people at the funeral will remember her, but it will be difficult for her to be reminded of her memory loss when people attempt to talk with her.
Please don't feel guilty if you choose to stay home. It would be a wise decision for both of you.
My Aunt had dementia and we did not tell her when my father died. She was nine and he was three when she took responsibility for raising him and his seven year old brother. These three were the closest siblings I have ever seen, but the kindest thing for her was not to tell her. We figure she got a wonderful surprise when she got to heaven and he was waiting for her.
You say she has short term memory loss. If you feel she must be told, tell her once and not again. It is cruel to make someone re-discover the death of a loved one over, and over again.
See All Answers