We had a caregiver come over and meet my mom. She was referred by their church. We told my mom that morning that a friend from church was coming to visit. She was not happy about it at all. When the caregiver got there my mom was actually nice but quiet. We were So afraid of how she was going to act. Once the caregiver left from meeting us my mom lost it she was so upset with my dad who is the primary caregiver who is still having to work. She said some mean things and said she did not need it. After talking with my dad I was able to convince him to try the caregiver for 4 hours today. We did not tell her she was coming due to her getting so upset and crying like a little kid. The caregiver said she did great my mom was fine with her the caregiver engaged her in doing some housework etc. once the care giver left she went into a full blown tantrum. She called my dad at work and just let him have it. We need help we do not no what to do. She is being very manipulative. Any advice?
You can't tell someone else how to feel. I'd try to empathize with her as much as possible and validate what she's feeling. This whole getting old thing is for the birds.
Then you and dad need to be absolutely on the same page and set boundaries. She is not allowed to disrupt his day at work just to rant. She's not allowed to be abusive to anyone.
But she absolutely is allowed to feel these things and to express her feelings. I don't see anything manipulative in what you described. I just see a pretty natural reaction to having a stranger imposed on her privacy for half the day.
It sounds like she's holding it together while the caregiver is there, so that's good!
She can say “mean” things, she can say she doesn’t need a caregiver, she can say she hates you. ALL of her comments are coming from a damaged brain, and they will continue to get worse.
She is NOT capable of being “manipulative”. Her brain is no longer capable of planning and executing “manipulation” -she acts from impulse, and has no ability to manage her outbursts.
Is she in the care of a medical specialist? There may be some medications that can be tried to allow her to be more manageable.
For your own comfort, try to observe her conduct without become emotionally involved in it. Try especially not to be controlled by her outbursts. Whether she’s crying “like a little kid” or “so upset” or there is NO REASON for you to be “so afraid”. Anyone who would react negatively to her outbursts wouldn’t be of any help to caring for her anyway.
Your situation is very difficult. In order to be of any real help to your mom, you must learn to observe, manage her behavior, keep her safe and comfortable, and also stay safe yourself.
Read how other people deal with their LOs. You may find some insights that can be helpful to you.
Hoping you find peace.
My Mom also wasn't user friendly to Dad in regard to the caregivers. Dad felt so much better having another set of eyes in the household. But Mom didn't... [sigh]. Mom shooed the caregivers out after two days.
This is just a though, has your Mom been tested recently for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection in an older person can make someone very mean, along with a lot of other symptoms. The infection can be treated with antibiotics.
Your Mom has a Dementia. She cannot be reasoned with. How old is Dad. Does he have to work? I would keep trying hoping she eventually excepts it.
I believe they become like children. You deal with it like u would with a child. Its a tantrum, ignore it.