My mother is at a moderate stage of vascular dementia. She currently lives alone, but we're not sure how much longer that can last. At this point, my sister has been allowing my Mom to babysit her 5yo daughter, 3 days per week, much to my chagrin. Sis is obviously in a certain level of denial because she and mom are cut from the same cloth; they make decisions from a place of emotion, rather than logic. While I recognize that emotion is a significant factor, we are grapling with some saftey issues (driving, etc.) that need to be addressed. My sister claims that she does all the work, so she gets more "say" in the decisions. By work, I mean she is using her 5yo to report back to her what Grammy has been doing that day. Sis also fills mom's meds once a week. Because she's more emotionally connected to Mom, she's able to influence mom as well. My brother and I have offered our help in any way we can, but essentially, our help is refused or even discourage if it's not done the exact way Mom and sis want it. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.
I'm not willing to sacrafice my marriage, sanity, job, and kids (1yo, 6yo) to live in Mom/Sis's emotionally draining denial. When I establish boundries for the kind of help I'm willing to provide, I'm told by my sister to "just get out of it!". I'm willing to put action behind my opinions, but how am I supposed to provide care when I'm being sabotaged? My sister, in her denial about the severity and reality of Mom's dementia, will agree to certain conditions with my brother and I. When we try to put them into practice, Sis will ultimately do whatever she wants and just not tell us about it. She purposefully leaves us out of appointments (tells us at the last minute) or siutations with Mom because she doesn't want us to weigh in. Then, when we do try to help, we are berated for not helping out enough!
I see so many articles about how to get "deadbeat" siblings to help. What about those that do, but are at the mercy of a dictator sibling who wants to rule under emotional law?
The only one I have a bone to pick with is your sister for using her daughter as a pawn in this teeter-totter sibling squabble. (I wouldn't be surprised if she grew up to be a journalist.) Especially when she knows your Mom is mentally unstable and shouldn't be babysitting for anyone in the first place.
I don't see anything wrong with your priorities, and I certainly don't blame you for wanting to have a life and putting your husband & children first. I would, however, call for a meeting of all the siblings to figure out how best to share the responsibility of caring for your Mom. Of course make sure she's not present. All the bickering, name-calling, and hissy fits will tear her apart. I urge you and your brother not to gang up on Big Sis, and try to reach a compromise that ultimately benefits Mom. If she's relatively happy and comfortable, eventually it'll trickle down to you.
Find a way to squash the beef with your sister without being crude, crass, and obscene. After all, this is really a family problem; not a sisterly power struggle.
Good luck my friend. Don't take no for an answer, and remember that self-sabotage is not an option.
-- Ed
Who prepares meals?
Who takes her to church or the community center or to senior activities?
Who does her laundry?
Who sets up her appointments?
Who pays her bills and monitors the checking account?
Who sits and looks through scrap books with Mom?
Who plays cards with her?
(I'm thinking of the things my mom needs from her daughters.)
What are the things that you can do, to mother's specifications? What are the things that your brother can do?
Do you think it is still safe for mom to be babysitting a 5 yo? If not, what are your concerns?
Is mom still safe to drive? If not, why not?
If sis is the one who sees mom the most often and has the most interactions with her, certainly her opinion should be taken seriously. But doing someone's laundry does not necessary make one the best authority on whether that someone can still drive safely, if you see what I mean.
What if you said, Sis, I'm going to take Mom and my two kids on Thursday afternoon outings. I'll pick her up right after school is out, and we'll feed the ducks in the park, or visit the science museum, or go for ice cream cones. I'll have to try it a few times to judge her stamina, and then we'll decide on a regular return time. Or if you said, "Mom, I'd like you to come have dinner with us once a week. Would you prefer a weeknight or the weekend?" Can you arrange to spend some time with her each week, to fit your own schedule? How about your brother? Could he play checkers with her one night a week? Take her to a movie?
What kinds of things do you agree on and then Sis won't put into practice?