How can I set boundaries regarding my caregiving abilities without being labeled as the sibling who doesn’t help?

My condolences, bewildered, so sad that there was so much conflict. We see a lot of that here. Families with nothing to fight over even manage to find ways to disagree. Wishing you peace.

Setting boundaries w/siblings can at times be almost impossible. But you still need to look in your mother or father & keep check on what is going w/them. Talk to their doctor & their bank-keep an eye on things. Make sure their income tax is done & if you don't live in the area, have a neighbor go & check on them that you know & get their phone number. You have to let the siblings know what you can do & what you cannot. If they are unhappy w/that, they will just have to be unhappy. But if everyone is willing to work together, things can get done. My problem is my sister & nephew were not willing to work w/me. I told them i could come down that year at xmas or spring break & called them, told them to call me back at which was best for them. I never received another phone call from either one, simply because I did not go down in the fall & take care of my mother.

pamstegma/give a hug, yes you are correct in what you said, but for the one week i was paid, i wasn't paid for the other 3/4 times i went down there, i paid for that myself. I wouldn't think of asking for money whatsoever. It was once i explained to my sister the financial difficulties, she 'offered to pay me that one year. Yes, siblings do resent when another sibling cannot help w/the care. But if siblings are asking questions & you are not getting answers, something is wrong. They were hiding things & they spent over 340,000 on themselves, not my mom in the last eight years. They were brought up on charges by DCF & may go to prison or jail. I was more than willing to help w/my mom, paid or not as I worked as a nurses assistant in a nursing home for almost a year. When a sibling decides that they know more than you, that they don't want you to know how much they are spending on themselves & rob your mother of everything that she owns, finances, house furnishings, house-then something is wrong. I did try to have conversations w/my sister about finances, mom's health, not having my nephew stressed out w/her care & hiring help-she didn't want to talk about it & her typical answer was, 'everything's fine' your worrying over nothing.My mother was going through neighbor's garbage cans pulling out things & leaving them there-They thought that was ok-I personally did not & asked for a home health care person to be brought in to sit w/her-my answer from sis was 'everything's fine', we don't need to hire anyone-we are not going to give them 'our' money. Mom lost weight in the last few years of her life because my nephew wasn't feeding her correctly. Sometimes, she didn't even have food in the house. A neighbor let me know what was going on, i immediately called my sister. Her response? Oh, it's ok, everythings fine, he doesn't do that all the time. My point: It should have never happened in the first place!!! My sister lied all the time to me, told me things that were not true. My nephew was getting $4000 or more a month for mowing her grass & checking on her. She was capable of getting her own groceries & even married a second time within the first 5/6 years after my dad passed. All that time, they were robbing her blind. Nephew needs $7000, oh here's a check. Nephew needs $30,000, oh here you go. They knew she had alzheimers & took advantage of her, that is what i am so sad about.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but often the person who gives care 50 weeks out of 52 begins to resent other siblings. You are not totally innocent in that you were paid to attend her for your one week. So multiply what you got by 50 and multiply the years of care and see if the numbers match the distribution.

after my dad passed, my sister took it upon herself to get power of attorney over my mom & have her name put on her accounts. I was ok w/that, because i knew someone needed to pay mom's bill's ect. She said her son, my nephew would cut mom's grass for her & keep an eye on her. Sounded ok to me & i had no reason not to trust my sister & nephew. I truly thought my sister & nephew loved my mom. We agreed that i would come one week a year & sis one week a year to give my nephew a break from caregiving. That was fine by me. The problems started when the second or third year i did not have the money for a plane or gas to get to the state where my mom was. Sis said she would pay me back if i paid for it myself to begin with. I didn't want to put myself in debt, but because it was my mother i did. Sis did pay me when i got down there, but not enough, i was $200 short of paying off credit card for dog kennelling. Then she called me again that same year. I guess she thought since she paid me, i was at her & my nephew's beck & call. I already made plans to visit my children who had not seen in six/seven years. I saw my nephew bought a new vehicle, paid cash for it, he was unemployed for six months. I knew he didn't have the money for this, so started asking sister. She got angry & refused to talk about it. I asked had the income taxes been paid-no comment, but if anything is owed, you are paying it yourself. I learned later, after mom passed, over a million dollar estate, plus the house & everything in it, they ripped my mom off, totally. Mom had been losing weight, had alzheimers. I had to beg my sister to get a caregiver in to help-she wouldn't do it, because she didn't want 'them' getting 'their' money. I ended up calling DCF to help me. They did, sis was forced to get a caregiver. At the very least, my mom wasn't alone & tied to a wheelchair all day like they said they wanted to do. I wish i had of known this was going to happen, i wished i could have done more to help my mom. My sis always had to run things & be the boss, Control freak. So now, i'm left w/my memories & knowing what my sister & nephew really are. She also told me i was dead to her, don't call her anymore. Cold way to end a year. I won't let this happen to anyone i know in the future. I know the signs now. I hope i can help someone w/my story.

I had this same crappy experience with my sister and that's exactly what it is...crap and garbage that neither one of you have time to deal with. You all three need to go to counseling and do it as soon as possible. This problem will carry over even when Mom is gone and you will have lost a member of your family. My mother died a year ago and I was the caregiver while my sister was sitting on the sidelines hoping I would fail. After 8 years I began having panic and anxiety very severely and had to hire a caregiver. Sideline sister could not handle the situation and had mom put into a psych facility and then a nursing home where mom died from injuries. None of that matters now, but we still have a rift that I personally wish could be fixed but I do not think anything I would ever do would fix it, because she has never gotten over me being born....yep born...67 years ago. Call a truce and mean it and put this to rest. Let Mom be your focal point, everything is being done because you love Mom, not because you are trying to outdo the other.

Well Jennegoo, I certainly learned a lesson. I wrote before reading through. Thank you for answering that list of questions. And thank you for giving an update 2 years later.
My situation is duel. My daughter returned home with 2 beautiful girls . She has progressive systematic disabilities evolving her body and mind. A very good person but in need of increasing structure, limits, and physical support.
She eventually gave custody to her sister All us females bought a home in an excellent ISD for the girls after grampa passed.
I figure I'm next to need caregiving. This will leave my healthy daughter and my involved son to carry the weight. So I'm thinking, learning, planning, and tring my best to ease their burden.
I've added strategies for getting this road tripping mom off road when it's time and bookmarked this site. So again, thank you for giving all the follow-up. And thank all of you who responded.

How frustrating for you , your broher, and your sister! I have a suggestion based on how my adult children interact. Imagine how family members can pu^ll together to help each other instead of mom.
You need to believe your contributions impact positively your mothers welfare. Acknowledge this has one primary factor... Her sense of security.
Sibling fighting - stop. What does your sister, who has volunteered as primary caregiver knowing that sacrifice is requited (as you have also acknowledged.) need from you? It may not be directly related to mom. Mom will rest easier if her children learn to watch out for and appreciate each other's care. Why does your sister need a sitter? Can you help with that? What else might mom do to feel useful? Cany you ask in your sister what her week looks like? How about your mom's week? Would your brother be able to research caregiving help, then fill out the paperwork, get answer's for your sister's concerns such as transportation? Basically can he not only find help but carry the ball as far as sister and mom need? Can he repair! Put in handholds, ramps, and take mom on outings?
You have the possibility of being the backbone while sister remains the hands if you're willing to become the strength for sister as well as mom. Before you begin, uuse that good mind to see how easily you wrote off your sister as trivial help for your mom. She knows your mom's schedule and appears to be her transportation and health advocate.

How frustrating for you , your broher, and your sister! I have a suggestion based on how my adult children interact. Imagine how family members can pu^ll together to help each other instead of mom.
You need to believe your contributions impact positively your mothers welfare. Acknowledge this has one primary factor... Her sense of security.
Sibling fighting - stop. What does your sister, who has volunteered as primary caregiver knowing that sacrifice is requited (as you have also acknowledged.) need from you? It may not be directly related to mom. Mom will rest easier if her children learn to watch out for and appreciate each other's care. Why does your sister need a sitter? Can you help with that? What else might mom do to feel useful? Cany you ask in your sister what her week looks like? How about your mom's week? Would your brother be able to research caregiving help, then fill out the paperwork, get answer's for your sister's concerns such as transportation? Basically can he not only find help but carry the ball as far as sister and mom need? Can he repair! Put in handholds, ramps, and take mom on outings?
You have the possibility of being the backbone while sister remains the hands if you're willing to become the strength for sister as well as mom. Before you begin, uuse that good mind to see how easily you wrote off your sister as trivial help for your mom. She knows your mom's schedule and appears to be her transportation and health advocate.

My husband and I are in a very similar situation with his 89 year old mom. In the past we did try to do our share of "helping". I took her to doctor appointments or stayed and took care of her after procedures, husband went grocery shopping 3 times a week because she demanded it, I was cleaning her house up and caring for birds, husband helped mow, and we tried to help get her finances worked out. She had no dates or check numbers in her registry forgot to pay a utility bill, charges stuff on credit cards then forgets and claims identity theft, accuses us and neighbors of theft and even calls police constantly. She falls regularly causing serious injury to herself, broken bones and once needed surgery to repair. Husbands brother refuses to take her car keys away, even after se has hit parked cars and was not aware. I totally understand the person who said they needed to stop helping, because the other sibling wants us to do a lot of the work but will not allow us to have any input in her needs or safety. Mother in law does NOT want our help, she demands that the other son be her only caregiver. She even tries to stop his wife from helping, she only wants SON. So I feel it was wrong of the commenter to say the person who had to back off for her own sanity was in error. There are always more sides to the story. We have said repeatedly that we will gladly help out, but it has to be their way or no way, and they refuse to address the safety issues. Constant falls warrant more evaluation medically...they refuse to consider, over the counter meds need looked at, they refuse, driving evaluation should be done to see how she does, they refuse, counseling for paranoia (she accuses neighbors of being drug dealers and watches them with binoculars), they refuse. Daily enemas causing possibly electrolyte imbalance and potassium levels to drop, they refuse to check into...could be causing falls. A person has to draw a line somewhere. If other person only wants others to do most of the work, but stick their head in the sand when it comes to finding some solutions or make sure loved one is "safe", well then I say let them deal with it! When she gets into a wreck and kills herself or others or injures them, I ill know we did our best. We have said we will do mowing, grocery shopping, all doctor appointments, housework, and pay bills, and everyone should work together to resolve safety issues...that sounds pretty fair to me!

I'm amazed that this thread is still going after more than two years! Obviously this issue/question still resonates with a lot of people.
Lots of changes have happened over the course of that time. Mom is now in a top-of-the-line memory unit, where she is safe and receives timely medical treatment.
We've moved her twice; the first time was to an independent living facility in late 2011. My sister, who always claimed to be SO worried about mom's emotional state, promised to be present when my brother had the conversation with mom about moving her; ultimately, she never showed for it. Sis even tried to move as many of the toys that were in mom's house as possible, hoping that my mom would still be able to babysit my niece. Eventually, my niece didn't want to visit her Grammy. It was so confusing about which adult to take direction from, that she became stressed about going over to visit without her parents there. Sis finally put an end to the babysitting, but I'm still sad that it took a toll on my niece to make it happen. When my sister announced that she and her husband wanted to seperate, her solution was to have her soon-to-be-ex-husband move into mom's house to get it ready for sale (it had been empty for a few months). My brother and I both said NO! That was the catalyst to get the house on the market. Her house was sold in 2012. I met with the realtor, negotiated the selling price, arranged for home repairs, and scheduled the inspections. I arranged for the storage unit when my sister couldn't decide what should and should not be given away. I arranged for a family member to pick up an antique organ. After mom's move, we incorporated the help of an at-home senior service to make sure she was still active and participated in events inside and outside of the facility. As her dementia progressed, we dealt with some serious issues; another resident was taking advantage of her sexually and financially (he stole jewelry from her and bullied her into buying things for him) and the facility's director was unwilling to step in. She was staying active by walking around the facility, but on more than one occasion, she had crossed some heavy lanes of traffic or walked down the street. We knew it was time to step up the level of care she was receiving.
We did lots of research on local memory care units and assisted living facilities. We were able to step up the in-home care while making our decision, and she's been with the current facility since September. The one saving grace we have is that mom has invested well and save her money. Although she never wanted it spent on her care, I am SO thankful that she planned well. Giving us options about what kind of care she can receive is such a gift and I'm so grateful that I don't have to stress about her running out of money (at least not to the degree that others do).
My sister's role in mom's care has diminished significantly. Even though she is the healthcare POC, the docs and pharmacy call me because sis doesn't return their calls or emails in a timely fashion. Ultimately, I think it's because Mom is different now. Because her personality has changed, and it's a one-sided relationship, my sister can't lean on her the same way as before. She doesn't get as much out of it. I'm sure a lot of my sister's blame and anger was coming from a place of grief, but it doesn't excuse the way she manipulated me. She's still making promises she can't keep: Mom has two timeshares. She agreed to take over the fees of one, and I the other. Now that it's time to pay, sis says she can't afford it. Looks like I'll be selling that one now. And she and her husband didn't seperate. They're still together. Who knows what would've happened if we had agreed to let him move into mom's house.
I still have a hard time balancing everything. In 2011, I had a one year old, a 6 year old and was working full time. I'm now working two jobs, trying to make myself more marketable in an unstable economy. I still handle mom's taxes, finances, calls from the facility, and manage the in-home caregivers that still come by 3 times a week to keep her active. I'm happy that my Mom is safe and will continue to take care of her as best I can.
I guess the lesson I hope that others learn from my experience is not to let the emotionally attached sibling fool you. In time, the logical and organized sibling will need to take over and make hard decisions. And lean on the professionals! Some of them are not perfect, but if you have the means to pay for good ones, they are worth their weight in gold.

I just stumbled on this thread and am wondering what's happened with the original poster too. I hope her niece is ok. I became concerned when I read that Mom with dementia is babysitting a 5yo, or rather a 5yo is babysitting Grammy. Either way, not good, not good at all. Mom may feel that she's ok to babysit but she has dementia, she doesn't realize that she has a problem.

I have tried to be part of my mother's life to help care and be there for her but I am told my brother takes care of everything and I shoul take care of myself. I finally realized she feels more comfortable with my single never married 57 year old brother.I have a husband and an only daughter about to have her 1st baby.I decided since I am not allowed to help my mom we moved out of state to be closer to our first grandchild and daighter and son in law.
I feel my brother must control everything and if I suggest something it turns into world war 2. I decided to praise him for everything he does.I truly think he needs that recognition for his self esteem. We have better communication since I have taken this path. My brother after our dad died 27 years ago devoted his life to mom and didnt make a life for himself. My mother created this unhealthy relationship since she didnt make a life for herself. People mistake them as a couple .My best advise is to show your sibling how much you admire their exceptional ability to do so much and if they need you you are always there.
Praise and compliments work better than trying to gain control.They need it more since they are not secure with themselves. Don't play into their game since they thrive on the drama of getting you mad and upset.
Stay strong and positive and realize you can tell your mom you love her and you know she is in good hands.

I want to follow this question to read more later. This is my "placeholder" comment. Is there a way to follow questions before you're ready to put comment, or if you just want to read and not comment at all?

I might know how to do this already, just too tired to think. If anyone has simple answer that I'm overlooking, kindly put it in a Hug to me. Thanks.

I finally realized that this thread is 2 years old, and I wonder how the original situation turned out?

Quite frankly, I'm also stunned that there's so little concern for the child who got caught up in all this. As a total outsider, what I see is tantamount to child abuse. "needs the 5yo to report back" .. what?? Children that age are still in fantasy land, and this makes it sound like the responsibility for the grandmother's welfare was in the hands of a 5yo. Really??

The other Ladee

Goo,
I was VERY close with my sister and her kids. I am unmarried and the kids are the apple of my eye. They are grown. When dad got sick, I was willing maybe able to do more than sis. That was OK for the most part, but at times I felt cheated. When sis was inattentive, I covered and lied for her to spare their feelings. More was expected of me because i did not have kids...mind you hers were grown. i was nurturing a relationship with a great guy. Did nobody care that I find someone to grow old with. Was my career expandable? Specially considering, i was helping financially. I grew more resentful. One day, out of the blue after my beloved nephews graduation I received a loving note from the loving woman I knew as my sister. We renewed our relationship, she helped more and today she is baring a significant part of mom duties. Dad has passed.
Do what you are able and willing to do. Reject guilt. Respect your sisters contribution. This is all very personal there is no minimal required contribution.
I am so grateful sis and I made up. I wish you luck throughout this phase and a reconciliation.


Regards
L

Or...you can choose to not get involved if you feel it's a fight you can't win. You do have to pick your fights...:)

Caregiver and family dynamics bring up many complex life issues and the issue of control is also related to the issue of leadership. Sometimes I am able to manage being a caregiver by studying unrelated subjects like management and leadership and reading stories of individuals who overcame great opposition and dealt with high stress. It inspires me and gives me ideas as to how to deal with people and
really tough situations. After all, are not all caregivers dealing with struggle and stress on a constant basis?

Go in and make your voice heard. State firmly that you will not tolerate being shut up any longer. You have a right to participate and to serve. You'll be tested and they may try to manipulate you. Be prepared for that and decide how much involvement you truly want and ...what you are prepared to settle for. If there are
issues of safety here, then you owe it to yourself to speak up and stand up.

I had to really get 'in the face' of several of my father's doctors. I was really tough
with them because the doctor disappeared for several scheduled appointments.
I came on pretty strong...and for the most part it worked. I did it for my Dad...and
because as a caretaker we have to stand up against what is wrong. I think your
sister has some positive things to contribute and sure the granddaughter may
provide lots of smiles, but you are right to be concerned. It doesn't sound like
the best arrangement to be sure.

In some situations, asking for things doesn't work. TAKE control. If your focus is on serving, you will I believe find some level of success.

I recommend as a resource "The 10 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" by John Maxwell. I've read it twice. The first time alot of it didn't sink in. The second time
I realize I've internalized much of it.

Good luck!

Madge, I so want to send your post to my sibs, they would spin like tops if they say that anyone on the face of the earth felt like I do.... I'm no hero, just an adult that can say no....
I used to tell our dad, you can't make me feel guilty for not feeling guillty.....

Good for you Madge

ladeeda, there are other factors that make me tired and angry. Mom also told lies about me. I realize now that she did this to keep me from knowing amything about her finances. She is very paranoid and wanted only one person to know how much money she has. She knew she did nothing for her children and saved every penny for herself and my Dad (who is deceased). She is embarassed that she has been so greedy but chooses to blame me instead of just accepting the fact that she would have none of this money if she hadn't have deprived her family. It is very complicated. She trusts my brother only because she thinks he has married a woman with alot of money. They have no more or less than I do. None of us need anything. None of us have ever taken a penny from her.

Instead of just saying to me, "I only want your brother to know my business", she made up stories accusing me of asking for money and wanting to take over her finances. none of this is true. So I can walk away with my head held high. I have given her five years to try and make amends and she does nothing.

Some on this site will say you owe your parents this or that just because. Well I think your parents owe you as well. It goes both ways. I will not feel guilty about my decisions and no one will make me feel that way either.

Madge, I so want to send your post to my sibs... wouldn't they just be outraged that someone else felt the same way I do.... and as Jeanniegibbs pointed out, there are some real bum sibs out there, but not all of us making different choices are like that..... and as far as the money goes.... I always looked at it like it was never MINE anyway..... so when I got screwed, I was not upset, didn't fight it, just looked at what little I got as a gift from God, not my crazy family...... Being a grown up means I have the right to say "NO".........

I have tried. He is such a jackass. I just spoke to him about this. He just blew me off and told me she was fine to do her own banking. She is so foolish. She has alot of money in this one bank.

I asked him if he had anyone who would call him if something fishy happened with Mom. He told me, no why would he? I get a lecture everytime I try to ask questions or have any input. If I talk to Mom she tries to change the subject. They have both treated me like I am either a thief, a child, an idot, or all of these. Not talking to me makes me see red flags everywhere. Mom is very difficult and sometimes I think my brother has just given up but there is alot of "secret' stuff between them.

The way it is now is he has all financial power, I am in the dark, that is the way they want it but when the work of taking care of Mom, going to the hospital, doctors, sitting up with her when she is sick, etc. then he will be ready to "share" responsiblities. Let's see, he gets to write the checks and I get the dirty work.

And some people wonder why some siblings just don't get involved.

at 81 your mom really shouldn't be goingto the bank alone. These banks are starving for money these days and dont' think for one second they don't take advantage of people. They see an elderly lady coming in with money in the bank and its all about the annuities. I would have your brother call the bank manager and put some kind of a note on her banking record that he is to be called if she makes any changes such as an annuity. If he is her POA he needs to protect her from the banking vulchers, they can be brutal.

ladeeda, you are my hero. I have been the low man on totem pole all my life. It is the same now that I am 59. My Mom is one fall from needing help, she just turned 81. I have tried to get involved in the planning for care but my brother who is the "chosen one", blows me off. Just recently Mom renewed her CDs, she went alone to do this, she has already bought an annuity she doesn't need. My brother in the past had indicated he would like to be with her when she does this. I mentioned to him that she had just renewed the CDs, by herself. His response (because he was not in a good mood) was, "what do you care." He is on all her banking, POAs, executor of her will etc. He shares nothing with me, i am not to be told. However, he says, "I will help when the time comes." Right............... he still thinks he is the boss. I am sure I will be labeled one of those sibling who won't do their part, I can live with that. They have both been a@#holes to me. Just like when we were kids. Things never change, but we can change how we respond to them. I have.

Jeannegibbs, my point exactly, different only means different.... I can honestly say I have no regrets, so in the end, that is what it is about..... even at the end, the two sibs almost come to blows about what to bury him in......Thank God we get to choose our friends......

Thanks, ladeeda.

I think that each child in a family -- even identical twins, which we have -- has a unique relationship with the parents. This doesn't necessarily always involve acrimony or accusations and blame, but there are always differences.

After a recent family party (my birth family) my daughter-in-law said, "You are really different than the rest of your family, aren't you? Were you adopted?" No, all 7 of us have the same birth parents, but she's right that I'm odd man out. We like each other but beyond that we don't necessarily like the same things or have similar interests. When Ma was well (and a widow), my six sibling had more contact with her because they had more in common with her. They all play cards; I don't. My sisters could dish the celebrity dirt with her -- I don't know who they are talking about. My brothers can share her baseball enthusiasm. When I did things with her it tended to be taking her somewhere, like to a comedy, or on a train ride to see fall colors, or a 2-hour cruise. We could enjoy being together without a lot of interaction. I often drove her and her sister to see their family in another state, because I had more of a connection with that branch than my siblings did.

Now that she needs some help, I am very glad that four of them have picked up the bulk of the interactions. (One other brother is disabled from a car accident, and we don't expect him to do much directly, and the youngest is busy raising his young family -- his kids are all younger than my grandkids -- and while we'd like a little more contact between him an Ma, we don't judge.) Even if I wasn't overwhelmed with caregiving for my husband, I don't think I'd have as much direct contact with Ma as my sisters do, just because that is the nature of our relationship. I would take on more of the housekieeping and shopping tasks, though, if I could.

My point is that "different" doesn't mean "superior" or "worthless," it just means different.

Expecting each child in a family to have the same relationship with parents, the same skills and aptitudes and motivations for caregiving, is just not realistic.

No doubt some families have "deadbeat" members whose main interest in anything is what's in it for me. There are a lot of jerks in the world, and they all must belong to some families. But I don't automatically assume that is the case just because sibling don't agree on what is best for Mother, or on how much personal hands-on care they are willing to devote to Father.

beautiful post Ladeeda and it was a real eye opener. I see your point.

ladeeda- you said it better than I ever could. That is exactly how I feel. That the sib who is labeled as "neglectful, thoughtless, and selfish" is sometimes an exaggeration of the person who is unwilling to say NO.

I instinctively know my comments are not going to sway anyones feelings or bring any aha moments here, but, I, as the odd sib out, was constantly belittled, put down, criticized, and on and on, for not doing the "right thing" by our dad... No, I did not jump when my oldest sib said froggy, I did not choose and did not allow myself to be cornered into being sole caregiver of our dad... but my oldest sib, the one who thought she ran the universe, did..... I sat and watched the dynamics of that situation for many years.... and I don't remember who said it, but the dynamics between us sisters was formed long before our dad needed care...... and my reality was, they thought it was going to be the same after we were all grown and our dad needed care...... what they don't know, is how many times I DID do many things for him, took him places, went and sat with him at the hospital for one more of his "cry wolfe" dramas...... I didn't find it necessary to tell them anything... and he never would have told them I did because he was the primary game player in that drama.... I could stand back and watch it with detatchemnt..... and do things I could, when I could....and I know my story is not the same as the question asked.... what I am trying to say is, not every time a sib does not do their "duty" in the eyes of others, it is not always as it appears..... I could not imagine setting down with my oldest sib and trying to share with her what I felt my role should be in his care..... I would have been talking to a wall, there was no compromise in what she felt was "right"... she had been rigid as long as I could remember, why would it change for our dads care.....Her RIGHT was not my RIGHT, but why waste time and energy on that futile conversation.....
My personal experience has shown me that some of the ones who are so angry at not being "helped" are simply upset because they do not know how to say NO....or think outside their own perception of how things SHOULD be done.... My oldest sib wasn't angry because I didn't help with our dad, she was angry that she couldn't do the things I was doing with out feeling all that debilitating guilt and shame.... I went to counseling for years to get past that, and she resented my freedom of will, my acknowledging my own limitations with our dad.... they needed his APPROVAL, I did not..... so with all that being said, to simplify my words here, there is usually such and undercurrent of sibling mess going on, that arguing or judging about a parents care has nothing to do with anything.... one of my favorite sayings is , " what is going on here, is not REALLY what is going on".... it always goes much deeper than who didn't take care of dad that day.....
And one of my observations on how we handle sibs, is how we respond or react to things said on this sight.... If someone jumps to conclusions and judgment, it pretty much says how they are in the world.....Sure we are all tired, edgy, and all the other words we use to describe ourself on here, but we are here to learn from each other....take what you need and leave the rest..... there are many voices on this sight, hunt and peck until you find some one that agrees with you, it's time consuming as there are many many people on this sight, but hey, we might all just learn something about ourself in the search....