Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Jennie that was a very nice post. No my sister does not have a strained relationship at all, she has an anxiety disorder but she's had that for years, it has nothing to do with my mom, if you ask me I think she just uses it as an excuse. Its a very sad situation because ever since she got married she has pulled away from our family, have no idea why. My mom is not well by any means, she is not driving, and has mild dementia. As of right now she is safe living home but I would much rather her be in an assisted living or senior apt as I don't feel 100 % at peace with the thought of her being alone. What if she falls, or leaves the stove on, or her door unlocked, I mean anything can happen. It kills me that I almost had her convinced to start looking at assisted living places when my sister talked her out of it reminding her how expensive it would be. I mean she is doing nothing in regards to her care so for her to talk my mom out of it was just plain cruel. So now I am back to square one. I manage her medications and call her to remind her to take them, I do all drs appts, shopping, housecleaning, bill paying etc etc. all the while my mom is saying she is fine. Well she may feel fine but if you can't manage your own meds, pay your own bills, clean your own house, etc etc then in my opinion you are not really fine. I am trying to pull back a little and not be such an enabler with the hope that maybe she will decide on her own that she cannot live alone anymore, but I just dont' think that asking her to make time once a week to just even visit is asking too much. I didn't volenteer to take this all on myself by any means, I just had no choice. If I don't do it all it just doesn't get done, period. My sister doesn't seem to give a crap and its very sad. Phone calls to me are not a replacement for a visit and thats all she is good for is short phone calls. just my opinion.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sorry... meant to say THEIR. Pardon the bad grammar.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Interesting comments.
I have to say that I think visits every two weeks is plenty for someone who is not sick or needing a caregiver. I was raised with a sense of family too, but also a sense of independence. And if your sister has a strained relationship with your mom, do you really want her there more often?
Part of what Janet said is true. I put safety over emotion any day, and if that means mom loses some of her independence, than so be it. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that mom is safe and not repeatedly put in stressful situations, that conversely make it more difficult for her to make good decisions.
The part I disagree with is this notion that we (familial caregivers) can do it better than "strangers". I hate this stigma. Professionals that are trained to deal with these problems and can provide expert care are disregarded as cold-hearted strangers who "could never have the same care and love I have for mom". When you build a house, you call in a team of experts to build it. When you have children in school, there's an entire administration available to help your child. So why when we're faced with an aging parent or spouse, do we shun this outside expertise and degrade it to sound as if we're hiring a meth addict off the street? I'm sure there are instances where home health care or nursing home situations are awful. But the story I hear more often is that of the adult son or daughter shaking their head and trying to figure out why they waited so long to call in help. They often feel guilty because THEY'RE emotional reaction took precedence over the well-being of their loved one.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I know I realized that afterwards, I'm so sorry, I got thrown off when she referred to the original poster by my name. Thanks.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Joym, maybe Janets comments don't fit your situation because she was answering the poster of this thread, jenniegoo.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

janet another thing, I think you have my situation totally in reverse, lookin at your quote "I don't deny that your mom may be more impaired than your sister is willing to admit, but take a look at the entire situation, including your sister's feelings before digging in your heels and proclaiming that you will not allow your marriage and kids to be sacrificed. " My sister knows my mom needs help and I never said I would not allow my marriage and kids to be sacraficed, I think you might be responding to the original poster which I am not.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jeanne I agree, Skipped. Janets thank you for the kind advice but you have it backwards, she is not the oldest but the youngest, not the closest but the farthest and its not her marriage and kids she is sacraficing, as she has no kids, and if you call supporting a mooch who hardly works a marriage then so be it. I consider it being a sugar mama. I do have a real marriage and I have kids it doesn't stop me from pitching in to help when needed. It was after she got married and my Mom got sick that things changed suddenly and drastically. I have tried to set boundaries, I even encouraged my mom to look at assisted living faciltiies that would give her some daily activities and keep her around people her own age as opposed to just hanging around her house, I almost had her convinced to atleast try it, that is until my useless sister talked her out of it, saying how expensive it was. Hmmm now why would she do that? I'll tell you why, because it would cut into her inheritance plain and simple. Am I upset? You bet I am. I would rather my mom spend every penny she has on herself then to leave it to those who did nothing for her when she needed them the most. No you do not know my situation and I don't wish it on anyone. Being the sole caregiver with a sibling who has no kids and lives right down the street and yet does nothing because she is "so busy" is just wrong on so many levels. I didn't come here for an arguement and to be told "whats wrong with her setting boundaries" is just not right. How do you set boundaries when you dont' make any time to do anything for anyone other than yourself? Sounds to me like she is already wrapped around her boundaries which are all about her. I respect boundaries, but I have no tolerance for insensitivity and selfishness, my sister unfortunately suffers from both. I am going to check out that book though, I might just even send her a copy in the mail. thanks.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Joym, really, you find that I am anti-care? I wonder how many of my 730+ comments and answers you've seen. I'm pro-care and pro-boundaies, and my answers vary with the circumstances of the question. This is not about ideology for me, it is about what seems sensible in a given situation. And of course we have a very limited glimpse of any situation posted.

You think that I don't belong on these boards. You may be right. I am responsible 24/7 for the care of an 85 year-old-man with dementia and congestive heart failure. But he happens to be my husband, not my father. My 91 year old mother is living on her own and my 3 sisters and 1 of our brothers take care of most of the day-to-day needs. I am extremely grateful to them, because I don't know how I could stretch myself any thinner to do that caregiving, too. They keep me in the loop and include me in decision-making and I pitch in when I can, taking Ma to doctor appointments, etc. So I am interested in the topic of caregiving for elederly people. My slant on it is perhaps a little different than that of most participants.

There are some professional caregivers on here, too. They aren't caring for their own parents, either, but I find their contributions worthwhile.

I think if everybody on here were in exactly the same situation with exactly the same views the forums would be less valuable.

Now that you know you don't respect my views, I hope you will just skip over them in a thread, and keep on benefiting from other opinions.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It seems to me there are three sides to this - yours, your sister's....and the "truth". We all bring our own baggage to these situations and, as siblings, we behave the way we behaved growing up, while competing for our parents' love and attention. A great book about this phenomenon is "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo. I am willing to bet that your sister is the eldest child (I could be wrong) but she is most certainly the one who is the closest to your mom. She identifies with her and is empathetic about what it would feel like to lose her independence. I am in a very similar situation, with two siblings I love very much but who barrage me with "suggestions" and "ideas" that almost always involve having our mother give up more and more of her independence. Their motivation for this is to have our mother cared for by outsiders so that they can continue to live their lives as they always have, when our mother was more independent. I, on the other hand, end up doing all the work and caregiving, finding social activities for our mom and providing her with all her needs including shopping, cooking, doctor's appointments, etc. Their feeling is that because I am not taking their "wise" advice, I have to suffer the consequences and take on the majority of caregiving. None of us knows best and these prejudices all come from our belief systems that were formed growing up. I don't deny that your mom may be more impaired than your sister is willing to admit, but take a look at the entire situation, including your sister's feelings before digging in your heels and proclaiming that you will not allow your marriage and kids to be sacrificed. We all have to play our roles in this difficult situation and saying that you are not allowed to help is something I just don't buy. There are many ways to help - and they aren't all going to be on your terms.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It seems to me there are three sides to this - yours, your sister's....and the "truth". We all bring our own baggage to these situations and, as siblings, we behave the way we behaved growing up, while competing for our parents' love and attention. A great book about this phenomenon is "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo. I am willing to bet that your sister is the eldest child (I could be wrong) but she is most certainly the one who is the closest to your mom. She identifies with her and is empathetic about what it would feel like to lose her independence. I am in a very similar situation, with two siblings I love very much but who barrage me with "suggestions" and "ideas" that almost always involve having our mother give up more and more of her independence. Their motivation for this is to have our mother cared for by outsiders so that they can continue to live their lives as they always have, when our mother was more independent. I, on the other hand, end up doing all the work and caregiving, finding social activities for our mom and providing her with all her needs including shopping, cooking, doctor's appointments, etc. Their feeling is that because I am not taking their "wise" advice, I have to suffer the consequences and take on the majority of caregiving. None of us knows best and these prejudices all come from our belief systems that were formed growing up. I don't deny that your mom may be more impaired than your sister is willing to admit, but take a look at the entire situation, including your sister's feelings before digging in your heels and proclaiming that you will not allow your marriage and kids to be sacrificed. We all have to play our roles in this difficult situation and saying that you are not allowed to help is something I just don't buy. There are many ways to help - and they aren't all going to be on your terms.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Jeanne I think we are going to have to agree to disagree, I take it you yourself have never been a caregiver since you appear to be so pro-inactive and so anti-care. I honestly don't know why you are even on this website since you don't seem to think anyone should be taking care of their parents. I hope you never need care yourself because with that thought process it wouldn't surprise me if no one helped you. I'm done with responding. I've got caretaking chores to tend to. Goodbye.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Joym, you've judged your sister to be selfish and disgusting. So write her off and get on with your life.

She calls Mom several times a week, and visits a couple times a month, but that does not meet your standards. And for some reason, you get to set the standards, she doesn't. OK. Sounds like she is living up to her own standards. The fact that visiting Mom is stressful for her hints at something in the nature of their relationship. And maybe, from what you say, she has a better relationship with her mil. That wouldn't be the first time that has happened, you know. Why would that make you so furious?

Oh well. I doubt that you are going to get SIs to change. It doesn't sound like you particularly want to preserve a friendly relationship with her, which seems sad to me, especially since you were raised with a strong sense of family. You make your choices. She makes hers. It seems a shame that has to estrange you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jennie no I would not consider once every two weeks sufficient by any means. We were raised with a strong sense of family, and as such you do for each other. Asking her to commit a few hours each week is not excessive by any means in my book. I am resentful however that it has all fallen on me, my Mom doesn't drive so I like to get her out once or twice a week, how hard is it for her to do the same? Its not. She just chooses to be selfish its disgusting on every level. If this were her mil she would be up her ass like velcro doing what needs to be done, but with her own mother, she uses the excuse that "she gives her anxiety". Its sickening and she's sickening, and someday that will catch up with her, maybe in the form of a crippling conscience. Jennie no one wants their kids to be entrapped in servitude, thats not what I am talking about , but just general common sense and respect would warrant a little bit of care and concern is not asking for too much. One visit a week is not too much. You only have one mother and there are no guarantees that they are here forever so out of love and just appreciation, you should make every effort to visit at the very least once a week, especially if you live down the block like my sister does. There are no excuses. Its pure selfishness.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If you're mother were healthy, would you consider a visit every two weeks sufficent? Was it this way before you're mother became ill?
For what it's worth, my children do not have any duty to me in my old age. They're duty is to become productive members of society and live their lives to the fullest. No one should be born into servitude. If you feel a sense of duty to your mother, it is YOUR CHOICE to fulfill that duty or not. Your sister is still visiting with your mother every two weeks, so she's not completely useless. Not sharing the same sense of duty doesn't mean she is selfish or inconsiderate.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jennie I have no problems with boundaries, really I don't. I know sometimes I need a much deserved break too and I take it. What I do have a problem with is not what she can give at this point, but what she chooses not to give, which is everything, In my situation I have a useless sister who only "pops" by once every two weeks, that is not drawing boundaries, its neglecting your duties as a child in my opinio. I'm not asking for daily assistance with care but I dont' think that asking her to commit to atleast one day a week is asking for the moon either. She is just selfish and inconsiderate and its very unfortunate because my Mom misses spending time with her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

joym, I think the point of recognizing the differences in style means that you have to accept that what your sister is doing for your Mom is all she can give at this point. Sometimes, all I can do during a specific day is give my mom a call. We are contantly told as caregivers to "take care of ourselves" but the minute we draw boundries, we're called selfish. This is exactly the kind of labeling that I think is unfair.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

agrace sometimes it is just not that easy. Sometimes, siblings get selfish and think too much of themselves and dont want to be "inconvenienced" with the task of pitching in. its heartbreaking but its happening more and more and families end up being all torn up about it. I have a sister who just doesn't give a crap, plain and simple, its evident the way she never comes around, does anything, or just visits. Maybe once a month if that, her calling my mom on a daily or every other day basis is her form of helping out. For me thats just her trying to ease her already guilty conscience of not doing anything. Just my thoughts.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Regarding differences in style: You siblings were each different from the start, while your mother loved and raised you. Now that the time has come to help her, celebrate your different strengths and find a way to blend those differences in your family, to help complete the circle of life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm the durable POA and sis is the medical POA.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Who has the durable POA and who has the medical POA in this situation?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and comments. Since I originally posted, we've made some progress. We've taken the car and sold it. That was the battle I choose to pick, and it took over a month to get it done, but it's done. Things with my sister have deteriorated, however we are trying to work together as best we can to get things done for mom. Mom's seeing a counselor regularly and she's accepting the shuttle. The counselor is getting her to see that embracing these changes will keep her independent longer than if she stays in denial and pretends like nothing is wrong.
Most of the communication has been going through my brother. For now, that's working well. Sis and I both have trust issues with each other; she doesn't think that I'm emotionally sensitive enough and may hurt mom's feelings, and I think sis says whatever she thinks we want to hear in that moment with no real intention of following through (or at best, she's promising to deliver more than she can handle). Sis does things on HER timeline, which in my opinion is not fast enough.
I'm working on not worrying about what she thinks of me. I know I'm doing a lot to help my mom. Our differing styles bring something positive to mom's care and fill a role that the other one cannot. It's unfortunate that caring for mom has destroyed our friendship, but I think we've discovered that we are VERY different people.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I would so love it if my sis or bro said they want to work out a schedule to help with some of the stuff for dad. Instead, bro only comes around when dad is in the hospital or he needs something. Sis thinks she's doing her part by offering to help - "just tell me if you need someone to take him for an appt" - but when I ask, she's busy and couldn't possibly do it. Heard it too many times so I have given up. She promised over a year ago that once things settled down some in her life that she would schedule one night during the week (of my choice) and every Sunday night to get dinner for dad so I didn't have to worry about it. She or one of her 3 sons do it on Sundays when they're not out of town but I'm sure glad I didn't hold my breath for the night during the week or I would have died months ago. Mind you, her husband travels 2-3 weeks a month during the week, her 3 sons are grown adults - 1 graduated from college not working, 1 working intermittently and 1 just starting college. We're not talking she has little kids to take care of but her first "reason" as to why she can't help more is that she works full time and "has a family to take care of". I too work full time outside of the house but have taken on at least another full time if not full time and a half job taking care of dad. I could go on and on about the promises made that seem forgotten as soon as they are said but I know nothing will ever change. I think Lilli is right - just set the schedule as it fits in your life and follow through. If nothing else, you'll have the opportunity to spend time with your mom while she can still remember and enjoy it. Kuli
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What you have here is a difference in personality and working style. I understand that completely because I am the logical, planning, type. My Mom and sib are the "run-right-into-the-wall" and then decide that it hurts type.

It took me a long time to figure this out so here it is: just back off. Do what you can, offer advice, visit as often as possible, but let the chips fall where they may. Continuing to get frustrated over the rug being pulled out from under you will just ruin your health and, in the end, they will do what they want anyway.

My big concern would be the driving issue. Take that one battle on until you are sure that she is no longer driving. She may end up losing her life and taking another along with it.

Here's what will happen in the future. Things will get to critical mass, then they will call you to "fix it." Decide at that time how much you are willing to do.

In the meantime, look for ALFs or other placements for your Mom because it sounds as if she will need one soon. If you sis is not a planner, at least you will have this info when the time comes. (btw, has your family discussed "what happens next?")

I know how frustrating this is, but two things are absolute: you will not change them and you cannot please them.

good luck

(PS: perhaps your sister sees your "boundaries for the kind of help" you are willing to provide or issues about "sacrifice" as wanting to do things on your time...not when they are needed. Perhaps try asking, "what can I do to help" and do what is asked. Also, since your Mom lives alone, it does not stop you from dropping in to check on her or to do things for her. Just a thought.)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am in a similiar role with my mother's care. My sibling does not let me help take Mom to appointments, even though I've offered. Either my sibling takes her to appointments or their teenage daughter who is 18. So I am demoted to beneath the college student. Hard to accept, but I have no choice. I have offered until I am blue, but it's just ignored.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Goo,
Wow, what a struggle you have, most of us would love to have someone fighting to help care for a loved one. The car issue is a big one and a battle you should continue to fight. I would let your sister know that if your mother hurts someone on the road, it will be her fault for not taking the keys as you and your brither have signed off on this issue. Your sister needs to think about how your mother could hurt her own daughter while driving a car?? She could not only hurt herself but many others on the road and this fact must be stressed to her somehow. I am sure this fact is on the list of many you have stressed to her.

Blessings,
Bridget
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It is soooo hard to be at the point where "something" needs to be done to help a parent but parent doesn't want to give up any more independence. (Who would?) You have to pick your battles, and sometimes you have to override the parent's decisions and desires. It is hard to know when that is justified, and it doesn't help when siblings can't agree.

I think getting your mom a counseling appointment was a battle worth picking. You can't ensure that she cooperates once she is there, but at least you've gotten the ball rolling.

Another battle worth picking is the driving issue, because that involves both her safety and that of others. Like charmin6, I used a rehab center's driving evaluation service. It is good to get an objective outside opinion. If she passes, you can relax a little and just keep an eye on changes in her reaction time, vision, and judgment. If she does not pass then at least all siblings will know the same thing and can figure out together what to do next.

Why not set up a schedule with your mom to take her grocery shopping every other Sunday? Maybe go out for brunch first and make it a fun day. If Sis and Mom do lots of spontaneous shopping between your scheduled one, where's the harm? And if you show up and she says she went with Sis yesterday and doesn't need anything, use the time with her in some other way. See a movie together. Go shopping at the discount store. Play cards.

Denial is a valid coping mechanism. You are right about precious time being wasted, but you can probably make the best use of Mom's remaining "good" time without insisting she accept why. If she's always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, maybe brother can use vacation time to take that trip with her. You can continue to encourage the use of the shuttle as a convenience without reminding her that soon she will need to use it.

Do what you think needs doing. Work with your sibs as much as you can, but don't let that limit what you do. Definitely set boundaries. Definitely live up to responsibilities you've agreed to. And try not to worry so much about labels.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

We've done the family meeting. We've done several, some of them with a professional mediator. We've done the doctor prescribed driving tests. She was borderline both times and the test administrator suggested that we periodically check the car for evidence of a fender-bender! She also said that the family is ultimately the most informed, so the burden of taking the keys will probably on us. We have an appointment with her doctor next month and my brother has spoken to him about having him prescribe a RX for "driving retirement". The big problem here is that my sis doesn't agree that Mom should stop completely and may sabotage our efforts. My BIL (sis's husband) is a mechanic, so if we disable the care, BIL will fix it. And send my a bill on top of that. If we take the care, my sis may loan mom one of hers.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Absolutely Yes you can---and infact, in my experiences, this is a great idea. If possible, have a family meeting or telephone conference, and do just this. Best, Hapfra
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I went through the same thing with my father in law as to whether he should be driving. I found a fabulous place called Marion Joy Rehab center in Wheaton IL. They work with disabled people to get their licenses. They also do evaluations on people, seniors, to see if they should still be driving. We needed a doctors referral, I asked the doc to refer him without involving us. Most of it was covered under medicare.
It is a comprehensive test that lasts 2 1/2 hours. They test on cognition, peripheral vision, range of motion and do a 45 minute behind the wheel test. After this they send paperwork to your doctor with their recommendation, whether it's something they can help you work on or if they recommend "driving retirement".
It's sad to see them lose their independence but the emotional and financial cost if something had happened while he was driving wasn't worth the risk. It worked out well for us since then Dad could be angry at someone a good distance away from us and none of us had to be the bad guy by taking his license away.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

To answer some of the questions:
Who cleans mom's home? ~ Mom
Who prepares meals? ~ Mom
Who takes her to church or the community center or to senior activities?~ Mom is isolating herself to stay in denial. She played cards years ago, and I've been trying (in vain until this week) to get her to pick it back up. She uses the babysitting as an excuse.
Who does her laundry? ~ Mom
Who sets up her appointments? ~ Sis sets up medical, I set up financial and legal (all three of us attend all these appointments when possible)
Who pays her bills and monitors the checking account? ~ Me
Who sits and looks through scrap books with Mom? ~ Sis and Me
Who plays cards with her? ~ See above.
What are the things that you can do, to mother's specifications? What are the things that your brother can do? ~ When we ask, Mom replies with "I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it." So we have to give her time to handle it, and it never gets handled. We've used a mediator to assign tasks to different siblings, but things either don't get accomplished or they get accomplished very slowly.

Do you think it is still safe for mom to be babysitting a 5 yo? If not, what are your concerns? ~ No. My Mom has made impulsive decisions to walk my neice to a local shopping mall, across 4 lanes of traffic, after being told not to. My Sis has stated that she needs her 5 yo to "report back" what Grammy is doing on the days she's there.

Is mom still safe to drive? If not, why not? ~ Mom has been evalulated twice for driving and was borderline both times. She's been lost 3 times (that we know about) and has had three non-injury accidents in the last 3 years. She also bombed portions her last congnitive exam, including the viso-spacial test that is key for peripheral vision.

To joym, the difference between my sister and yours is that I'm activiely participating, trying to find resolutions to Mom's needs. However, everytime I try to plan or carry out one of our previously made decisions, my Sis seems to put on the brakes on our progress. For example, we are trying to get mom to ride a shuttle regularly so that when we take the keys (which I think should've already happened) so she has a transportation alternative. I took off work to make sure she was able to use the shuttle. I made sure she arrived at her destination and made sure that she made it back home. I've been the one calling to make all the shuttle appointments. Grocery visits are one of mom's primary concerns. I suggested to my sister that we alternate Sunday's, so that 1.) I can plan around the days I need to take mom to the store, and 2.) it doesn't just fall on Sis to take her, since she lives closer. Sis balked at the idea and doesn't want to set up a schedule. I've got other things in life that need to be handled and can't drop everything to take mom to the store. My kids and husband need me. I'm the primary breadwinner. I don't think it's too much to ask that we set up a schedule for this stuff. But my Mom has always been more spontatneous when it comes to the grocery, and sis is too. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. So, respectfully joym, I'm nothing like your sister.
We've worked with a mediator, we've set concrete deadlines. I understand flexibilty needs to be accounted for, however, my sister communicates NOTHING to us about WHY we might need to change goals/deadlines. The other frustration is that I feel these stall tactics are keeping Mom and Sis in denial, and I feel like we're wasting valuable time. Mom only has a limited amount of congnitive time left. We're wasting it by not getting the most out of it now. Instead, Mom's in denial and isolating herself in her house with a 5yo who worries about Grammy. When we push mom to discuss some of the modifications we need to make, she shuts down and starts talking about a "pill" that will kill her so she can avoid all this. Her neurologist recommended that she see a psychatrist after talking about suicide in her last appointment, and that's never been set up by.....my sis. I finally set up an appointment with a counselor that my Mom saw years ago.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter