Hello All. My 79-year-old mother is in her 3rd nursing rehab stay since July this year. She is getting increasingly weaker as she started using a wheelchair since her bilateral knee replacement 5 years ago-doctors warned her, "Use it or lose it." "Walk." She lives alone. I set her up with PT and OT and a personal assistant after her first and second stay. She 'fired' PT and OT and only allowed the assistant in for 1-2 hours a week. She is non-compliant with her heart meds and diuretics. She lies in her bed all day except when PT comes at the center. She says the chair is uncomfortable. She won't go to any activities, doesn't want to go for a drive. Just watch TV in bed and eat. The first stay she left walking 20 feet with a walker, the 2nd stay 10 feet. She refuses to use the safe bathroom at home where her wheelchair/walker will fit and uses the unsafe bathroom where she must hold on to counter and towel bar (as wheelchair/walker won't fit and falls (refuses a cane). We are not close, she did not raise me, and my grandmother did. I want to help, but it's like she won't help herself. Today, as I said, she is back for a 3rd stay in rehab. I went to take her clothes and saw she refused assistance from the MA to get out of bed and use walker to get to toilet, instead she defecated in her Depends and told me the MA said it was okay, that it was her job to clean her. I told her if she can't walk, how she expects to live alone with no help 24/7. She was only home 2 days before she fell and then couldn't get herself up out of a chair and called 911. All doctors have said the same thing, her only issue is "deconditioning" from lack of exercise/walking/etc. But she won't listen. It is like she is content to lie in bed and have people wait on her at rehab or scoot around in her wheelchair at home. I'm at a loss. I am toying with idea of moving in with her, but I have to work 5 days a week, I have a tricky back and shoulder and new heart issue (palpitations, chest pain) from leaky valves. I'm scared I may be signing up for more than I can handle, especially if she is more and more non-compliant. I was the one taking her to get her knees done. I have been getting her groceries for about a year, taking her to doctor visits, helping with home repairs/cleaning/etc. I believe she has a fear of falling. I get it, but what to do?
Do stick around, and read, and help others.
Thank YOU for being so responsive. Some write us questions and we never hear a peep, so it is a pleasure for us to have someone responsive.
We have ALL faced the challenge of an aging parent and it truly is a learning experience in finding out how little we know about it.
I recommend that you contact your local area on aging, aka county counsel on aging, and start looking into the resources available for your specific situation. Discharge will come suddenly and it helps to know what options are available.
I placed my dad in a board and care home, it was thousands of dollars less per month, didn't have amenities that he would not use and had a better caregiver to patient ratio 2 to 10. Bed bound to full blown dementia and everything in-between. My dad had good housemates and did find contentment living there. Unfortunately, I think seniors are not really ever happy with their changed circumstances and the best we can hope for is they adjust and accept. Usually when we are not present, when we are present it is usually a whirlwind of how dreadful everything in their life is, it's a prerequisite I think. Make your kids feel guilty because you got so old that everything changed, must have something to do with control.
You got this and you will be just fine on this journey. These forum members are a lifeline in these situations, so happy for you that you found us BEFORE the move.
SORRY, I did not mean to make this about ME. I urge you to think long and hard about how this will affect your LIFE, your PATIENCE, and your SANITY. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, you can't put it back.
Good Luck and God Bless you.
If you continue along this path, your mother might outlive you. Don’t let this happen to you as you are still young and you have many years ahead of you.
Good luck.
While we must each make our own choices, and each be responsible for those choices, this would be very bad decision making on your part.
Your mother is determined now to be waited on the rest of her life.
Nothing on earth will ever change that at all, and frankly, at almost 80 and not participating in rehab for 5 years it is way too late.
Your Mom needs to enter care, and you need to stop enabling her not doing that.
You need to sit down for an honest talk that you have a job and will not be taking care of her. That she will never live with you and you will never live with her.
Or, make the choice to live with her. Likely you will pre-deceed her. She will THEN go into care. If you do live through it your health, both mental and physical will be in ruins.
You need to embrace your limitations. As an RN for my job I knew full well I could never to 24/7 care. And no one WANTED me to. When this is expected of you by parents that SAYS IT ALL right there.
That's my advice. As I said, you will be responsible for making your own decision. We are all grown ups. You know the picture, because you just painted it for us quite beautifully.
I hope for you to make the right decision here. You have my very best wishes no matter what you choose.
She is the one whose condition has deteriorated, and it's because she wouldn't help herself. Why should you take on her care, inconvenience yourself, and destroy your own health when she didn't think enough of herself (or you) to prevent this situation?
She is the one who needs to make the change. Hi ho, hi ho, to managed care she goes. She will have the 24/7 care she needs, and you'll be able to recover from the burden she has heaped upon you. It doesn't matter if she wants to do it. She does it.
I wish you luck in dealing with this sad situation.
The physical therapists are almost ALL very aware of this. It is what they deal with daily in our jobs. You cannot change that lower brain and elders WILL fall no matter WHAT they and the medical system do to try to prevent it. It's a given. You can try to understand this, but you can't much change it.
Wish you luck.
Don't shop for groceries, use Instacart and have them delivered. Stop cleaning and repairing, hire it done. keep the doctor's visits on YOUR schedule. Oh, she needs to pay for those services. If she has no money call your Office on Aging. IHSS (In Home Support Services)is in many areas for people of limited means, If she does not want strangers in her home, my attitude is Suck it up Buttercup.
If I seem harsh, I see my 60 year old Son-In-Law who has his own serious health problems killing himself over an ungrateful bi*ch. I was just there tonight
Please don't do this to yourself. As bad as you can begin to imagine it to be, it will be ever so much worse. Stick around here a while and read up. You will see.
My best out to you.