My mother smells of urine and gets mad when I say something. What shall I do?

Blue, good for you but I am not so nice. I cannot stand body smells. I actually feel sick when around them. So glad Dad died before Mom because he would have been a big problem. Mom had a problem with BO. Was allergic to deodorants. Tried everything, she broke out. Finally got Arm and Hammer unscented. She said it itched but she never broke out. Told her better to itch than stink.

My disabled nephew is my problem. He feels he doesn't have to shower everyday. OMG one day of not showering is awful. And my car if I have to take him anywhere, FABREEZE it. Thats why he will never live with me. And he doesn't care.

Well, I plunged right in and told FIL I need him to shower more than once a week. He became very angry and asked me why? I told him as gently as I could that he doesn’t smell nice anymore and neither does our home or our cars. He said he doesn’t smell anything bad and would not accept what I was telling him. To which I replied: that’s fine if you don’t accept it but that won’t change the fact that what I am saying is the truth. He would not talk to me the rest of that awful day but the next morning he apologized to me and took a shower. He also has been changing his clothes daily! I took the advice of another poster here and bought a diaper genie for all of his disposable garments and I cleaned everything ( including bedding, towels and clothing) with borax and vinegar and laundry detergent. I still can smell some urine in his room so I think the carpets need cleaning but oh boy! things are smelling better around here thank heaven!!! I’m sad that our relationship has become strained due to me being the one to force the issues but I am happier when we go out now and FIL looks clean and smells clean too.

My mom used to smell of urine. I started giving her ActiFruit cranberry chewables, and it actually worked! She never has a UTI anymore (that also was sometimes part of the issue, if the smell was really strong she usually had a UTI) and doesn't smell anymore.

My Mom has just gotten so darn lazy! She just pees in the diaper with extra pads & blames the pad for not holding it all. I keep trying to explain that it's for leaks/accidents not to use as a toilet and who but me (her daughter) will tell her she smells like pee! I am trying to get her to retrain her bladder & habits because when we do go out I will not have her peeing all over my car seats and being the person everyone whispers about. She sort of understands but then says she doesn't care. Good luck to all of us dealing with this issue!

Cinderalla: Thank you so much! I have worked this site for 5 years now and I love it because, well, generally--I love to put others' needs before my own. I am sorry for your loss.

with my dad, it's that he gets urine on his pants and won't change his clothes saying that they will dry. the in-home aid is a miracle worker in that she seems to be able to get him to shower a couple of times a week. she also caught that he had a bad infection and keeps him on the ball with medical issues. he argues with family but listens to her, amazing.

I see nothing wrong with being matter of fact about it and not make a big deal about it. Urine-soaked clothes need to be changed and washed. The person's skin needs to be washed. The furniture needs to be cleaned. Learn to say something like "Mom, we have to get these wet clothes off you and into the laundry." After getting the bath ready, say something like "The doctor says it's important to keep your skin clean and dry. I've prepared a nice bath/shower/sponge bath for you." You can keep the word "smell" out of it but you do need to accomplish the task at hand, which is to keep your mother's skin intact. Broken skin is an invitation to infection.

Oh boy, had to have the "you smell like pee" talk a number of times. Not easy, but necessary. She wanted to know but cried cuz she has so little control.

Diaper Genie is a big help for used pullup smell. She can't remember how to put the new roll on, but that's a small price to pay.

I think my mom's urine smell is due to it getting pee on her clothes. I think she doesn't get her pants down quick enough before the flow starts since she has so little control. Especially on her PJs in the morning. Yikes - I try not to get too close sometimes cuz it can be a little eye watering.

She wears pullups. Got inserts which we are having mixed results with. She has started putting some folded up TP in the place of her pullup that tends to leak which she thinks is helpful.

I think what would be really helpful would be for her not to have canceled the urologist appt I made for her so we can see is there is a reason for the incontinence that might be able to be relatively easily resolved. Maybe prolapse of some sort? 4 kids and 75, sometimes things don't stay where they're supposed to be which can cause issues.

A daily sponge bath. Shower as often as possible. Have everything ready so all you have to do is put your loved one in the shower. I put a hand towel on the plastic shower seat and wet it with hot water. It cools before they sit and it warm. It's not comfortable sitting on a cold plastic seat. Have a large bath towel or bath sheet so they can wrap up immediately after getting out of the shower. There are also liners to put in the pull-ups. After bathroom wipes help. Antibacterial soaps also help.
This has all helped me in my care for others.

I went through this with my late mother. She had an odor of both body functions. I did pull her aside and gently asked her if she'd rather hear it from her daughter rather than a friend. However, nothing changed because she had the mindset that I either "didn't know what I was talking about," she didn't not possess the physical strength to wash her body properly or had such an elderly mind that new information was never absorbed, sadly.
Perhaps your mother is not making it to the toilet in time. Suggest that she wear a feminine pad and go along with pretending to say you wear one, too.

She may be embarrassed, upset that she is losing her independence, or both. My sister and I care for our mom, and this was the case with her. It takes patience. It takes letting her know that you love her from the bottom of your soul and that you want the best for her and to help take care of her like she's always taken care of you. I also assist with the morning care of a man with Alzheimer's. I get him out of bed and get him bathed, dressed, and fed. If he wets the bed (he does wear pull-ups), he doesn't want to get out of bed because he is embarrassed, so I have to coax him. I ask him if he wants breakfast and of course he says yes. So I ask him to help me out, which perks him up, because someone who feels they are losing their independence wants to feel needed. So I tell him I need him to help me get him ready, and he replies "you want me to get up?" Of course he is still embarrassed about being wet, but I tell him its okay, we can fix it.
So if your mom is having memory issues, give it a try. I know every situation is different. I love taking care of the elderly. Don't always know what to do either. But every morning I ask God to help me to be an encouragement, an inspiration, a hope and a blessing, which is half the battle because I feel empowered in a loving, patient, peaceful way.

Dr gave me a small bottle of Aloe Vesta perineal/skin cleanser. It's pricey @ $3 for sm spray bottle.The spray neutralizes urine/smells w/o having to rinse off. I ordered online Perifesh w aloe vera, fresh scent, several gallons(better price).I like to give Dad a bath every day, but on days he just won't have it. I heat up a cloth w hot water, pour some perifesh on it & wipe him down. Athletes/runners use this cleanser, too.

For house cleaning, I use Odoban. Lot less expensive online. I first used it to clean cigarette smell out of rental houses. It comes in different scents & can be diluted for different uses, cleaning, laundry, etc. It disinfects & leaves a pleasant smell.

It was very rough for me telling my dad that he smelled like urine, and he got angry as well. For some reason, elderly people loss their senses period. Sometimes guilt-trip worked. i.e. “Dad, you stunk, and I can’t hug you if you won’t take a shower.” or “please take a shower because I want hugs you with no order.” Play a game with your mom’s child-like mind. You could say “Mom, people are coming to see you, but you must take a shower now before eveyone stopped by. No matter how many times you tell her that she smells bad, she always wll get mad, and then eventually will give in.

To be honest, my dad was keeping a secret of throwing his depends in the bathroom tub every morning. How did I find out? The odor was coming out from his room. I finally had to hire an agency to help him everyday, paying them out of his pocket. I was so embarrass!

So, my suggestion is to warn her that if she doesn’t take a shower, then someone is going put her facility without her ”okay.“ Even though she is your mom, and she’s thinking irrationally, then you need to be in the reverse role.

If you are with her when she toilets, ask her if you can help.
Adult wipes help lots in between baths.

If you can lay out a change of clothes daily. Tell her you are going to freshen the clothes she wore yesterday. Try not to bring up the odor just that a new set of clothes are nice and she should take the opportunity to use the nice things she has.

Don't bring up the urine smell directly. Skirt around the urine issue any way you can.

Our incontinent loved ones don't necessarily *need* to know that incontinence pads are underneath them. You can hide them underneath a towel or washable cover.

I once had a friend who I took to a few grocery runs. He was incontinent. I don't want my carseats to be ruined with urine, or the next passenger to have to sit in urine. I've even put down a black plastic garbage bag.

Foul Smell issues. Be sure and check for urinary tract infection especially if she has a catheter she is more open to infections!!!Then if she did not have catheter. Have her foley bag changed weekly(just the bag)youcan learn to do this but see the urologist or get a homehealth RN to have the actual catheter itself changed every 1-2 months. May need monthly if smell is bad and no UTI.

So, taking this in a way different direction. But one time my mom urinated in the chair. A friend of mine was here at the time. My mom got up and went down the hall, but of course, didn't change or clean up. I put a towel on the chair and sprayed some air freshener. My friend said, Um, what are you going to do about that? I said, Um, I just did. Air freshener and a towel. FYI. She refuses any kind of those incontinence pad things. Nope, not having it.

My mom had the similer issue. Her urine had a very strong order even when she went to the restroom. I thought it was a hygiene issue. I took her to the doctor they did a urinalysis she had a urine infection. Gave her some medication resolved the issue. In part the infection was from not cleaning her self properly after using the restroom.

I have read all the "diplomatic" responses people give and it usually does not work as the patient is in denial and can't smell what we smell. I think it is time to get "down and dirty" - no, not really. But we have to very firmly tell them they smell, they are up in age and can't smell what we do. Simple stating of a fact. Then tell them that you cannot and will not allow this to continue and this is what is going to be done to fix the problem. Let them rave and rant - you have to do what you have to do to stop this once and for all. After all, YOU are now in charge and you cannot allow them to affect your quality of life and future. You must be tough and take charge. Just ignore them if they fight you - you have to stand up to them and tell them this is the way it is going to be from now on or you will be forced to find other means of caring for them. It is a tough fight but when you think about it, how else are you going to put a stop to this?

My discussion with my daughter (she has several disabilities) was about how much more comfortable with dry pull ups than damp underwear. I ask, not demand, that she change every morning when she wakes up and before she goes to bed as well as any time I smell anything. I have also found that a Diaper Geinie is a wonderful invention. Even wrapping in grocery bags there was often a smell of urine in the house. Not any more.

Telling her will do little good. She can not smell it. Just like the woman that seems to bathe in perfume, the smoker that does not smell smoke many times you can not smell your own self. What's that commercial for that spray....you are "Nose blind" I like that phrase!
If you seem to get angry that will just frustrate her, embarrass her and like any one she may begin to argue. And as we all know no one "wins" any of these arguments!
Is your Mom on her own or is she living with you or Assisted Living? Memory Care?
If you have control over her clothing I would remove all her "real" underwear and replace them with Pull Up type briefs. (Please do not call them "diapers" that will probably make her more resistant to using them)
Mattress pads should be waterproof. Get several so you can replace them often. When you wash the waterproof ones they take forever to dry so have at least 1 spare.
Washable pads or disposable absorbent pads on couches, chairs and in your car.
Keep a spare change of clothes with you at all times. (I had a backpack that I carried extra clothes, briefs, wipes, gloves, thick-it, water and snacks. Think of it as an adult form of a diaper bag)
There is a spray called Urine Out it is a cleaner but can be sprayed on carpet, floor...to remove the urine odor. It works very well.
Another spray that I used a lot of was OdorBan worked better than sprays like "Fabreeze" [sp?]
If your Mom lives alone it might be time to think about a move. Into Assisted Living if possible, Memory Care if she can not be on her own or in with a family member.

I am seeking an answer to this too - thank you for posting! Except for me it’s my father in law. He cannot smell anything and my husband says “ it’s not that bad” which makes me think DH is losing his sense of smell also because our home and both cars absolutely reek of BO and urine. I feel like I can’t keep up with the cleaning.
Anyway, I do have a suggestion.....as part of your Mom’s personal hygiene routine maybe she would be willing to add a step of using adult disposable washcloths when using the bathroom. Maybe it could be presented as in place of lotion. They are treated with aloe and help prevent skin irritations. The brand we found useful are called total protection adult washcloths. We keep them in the bathroom next to the toilet paper and when FIL uses them I definitely can tell the difference.
Im going to try the borax and vinegar for laundry and cleaning the cars.
Lots of good ideas from others posting here.
Thanks to all the sharers out there!

She is probably Incontinent and would need to wear a diaper. Keep an eye on this, Should things in her situation gets even worse and she would need to be reported to have help her way, Should she be living there alone.

Is she embarrassed? If so, don't ask, just tell. Change the pads, change the clothes, make a bath or shower schedule, get an aide to help her, do whatever is necessary. She may no longer have the dexterity or initiative to be able to take care of her hygiene.

I take all garbage out daily. It's a little route I take starting in the bathrooms and changing the small garbage bags, onto the kitchen where I also prefer smaller garbage bags because they promote emptying the garbage frequently, and ending in the laundry room. It takes less than 10 minutes. This helps prevent odors from being in my house. Also, I'm allergic to most detergents and air fresheners. Finally, once a month or so I wash the insides of each garbage can with vinegar solution, rinse with hot water, and dry.

Protect your furniture with Chucks Pads, which are disposable underpads that protect furniture, mattresses, and car seats.

I'm assuming your mother uses some type of incontinence pads, but not with good effectiveness. My mother lives with me and has general stress incontinence at times (most notable with a cold) with unpredictable incontinence because of spasms from her spinal stenosis; she used pads for decades. As she got older and lost some dexterity in her hands from arthritis she had more problems managing the pads; mobility problems made it more difficult to get from bed to toilet in time too. Mom switched to incontinence panties; it took several trials to get the right size and brand for fit and comfort. I use a waterproof mattress pad with a softer mattress pad and double sheets over it for her bed. It all fits in one laundry load and I have four sets so I can change the bed while I'm washing a soiled set. If the upper sheet and comforter needs cleaning, I have extras for that too. I also purchased several washable waterproof chair pads in brown and dark reds to match the furniture and my car seats and we use them in Mom's favorite spots. I wash most things within hours of soiling but occasionally may wait 24-30 hours. Hot water and white vinegar removes the smell from almost everything in one wash. Items that set longer or are heavier soiled may require two washes.

My mother has not been resistant to managing her incontinence, but she has resisted other changes as she aged (insisting reminder notes, labeling my kitchen shelves, and some monitoring via the security system were not necessary) so I feel I have some knowledge of the argument your are facing. My mother has short term memory problems, so sometimes the issue is getting her to change the panty when needed. Most days she had very limited leaking and would wear the same panty all day with no problems. When she had more leaking and the panty needed changing more often she sometimes needs to be reminded.

I would start a conversation with your mother with something like "Mom, I know you don't smell it, but others can smell the urine in your pads on your person and particularly in your bathroom trash can. Unless you want the first thing someone smells when walking up to you or into your house is stale urine, we are going to have to change how we manage your pads." I would stress that other people need to make these changes as they age too.

I handle my mother's wet incontinence panties like a used child's diaper - placing it in a plastic grocery bag, then twist it closed and tie the handles together, often after wrapping them around the bag to maintain the "twist" completely closing the bag. The grocery bag goes into a frebreze kitchen garbage bag that is taken out to the garbage can every 1-2 days. My kitchen trash can is built into the cabinets between the kitchen sink and the dishwasher so even though it doesn't have a lid, mild escaping smells are "contained". If you don't have a similar containment I would suggest using a trash can with a lid. Mom doesn't smell, her bedroom/bed/lift recliner don't smell either. You do not smell urine when walking into or through the house. If you can get your mother to adapt, you can at least greatly reduce the smell on her person and in her home. Good Luck finding out what combination of stuff works for your mother.

Pee contacting the skin promotes skin breakdown. Old skin is paper thin already, and urine only makes it worse. Yes it is a touchy subject and I like Isthisrealyreal's suggestion about making it about saving your mother embarrassment. They say hearing is the last sense to go but smell leaves too soon.

Get your mother a big bottle of household white vinegar and a box of Borox. Some therapeutic stretching of the truth might be in order: "Mom, dangerous bacteria have been found in the community and the doctor is recommending we add one cup of vinegar and one-half cup of Borax to every load of laundry." It's actually true that C. diff is now in the community.

Once you get her into the habit of getting her laundry clean, investing in a proper rug and upholstery deep cleaning may be worth it.

Also, identify why she smells of urine. Is it because she's not going to the bathroom on a schedule? Is she wearing the right undergarments?

Oh, I feel your pain. My dad had incontinence and denied it.

No one wants to say anything but I can't deal with foul odors, period. So I opted to make it all about him. "Dad, I don't think you realize that you have a urine odor, i know how much pride you take in being your best, so here is how that can be dealt with. I hate to say anything but I don't want you to be embarrassed by this. No shame, it is very common but I know you would be embarrassed."

He finally got that I wasn't trying to be mean, so he begrudgingly wore the briefs, loved the body wash I bought him and changed his clothes more frequently.

He thought he could use mouthwash instead of brushing his teeth, 14 of his top teeth were broken off at the gum line and it was vile smelling. He actually told me he knew he didn't have bad breath because no one else but me ever said anything about it. I guess he didn't notice that they moved back or to the side and conversations were very quick and to the point. I just let him be mad and kept after him until he agreed to see a dentist. Top roots had to be surgically removed and a top plate made, bottom teeth need to be cleaned every 3 months. But he never had bad breath.

Anywho, let her be mad but keep giving her solutions to the odor. Don't give up, she may eventually get it and do something or let you do something. Vinegar is a great odor remover, it kills the enzymes that cause it.

Best of luck, this is a tough situation.

I'm going to be waiting for answers to this one.

Urine, in older folks, esp those who take a lot of medications, can be VERY powerful. Mother also withholds fluids which makes it worse.

She has an internal catheter--and wears depends AND 2 heavy pads besides. I don't think she goes to the bathroom at all. Just empties her cath bag--but she isn't doing it correctly and she leaves the wet depends and pads in the garbage to be taken out once or twice a week. She "covers" the smell with 3-4 spritzer type air fresheners, but they're useless.

Mother would blow a head gasket if I said anything. She cannot smell anything anymore, and she is scrupiously "clean"--as clean as she can get--but that urine smell is awful.

We were recently at a restaurant and her cath bag got too full and began to leak. She couldn't feel it, but boy, could you smell it. I got her out of there as quickly and kindly as I could. Then my car stunk---

She does her own laundry, but at this point, everything in her place has been peed on--all the furniture and only the bed is "untouched".

Quite honestly, I do not KNOW how to say anything to mother.

I know I'm not alone in this quandary.

Also, I do not have day-to-day care of mother. Only the occasional "visit" as allowed by brother.