My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

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My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

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My elderly parents have been with us for 3 months. They need to go home to FL but now that the virus is bad there should they stay with us? I thought by them going to their own place and looking at the water would be less depressing then looking at brick buildings in Virginia. They have a supermarket right across the street. I know that they would be happier and more secure being with us but I need a break myself being that they’ve been here 3 months and I need to clear my head because and I am in remission from breast cancer only 8 months and I still haven’t mentally and physically recovered. They don’t bother me here but I just need peace and quiet without seeing anyone or listening to the news 24/7 or having to eat together etc. or just even helping my Dad with my Mom. I don’t rest. My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

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It seems as if they can self-isolate in FL as well as with you and if you are stressed and vulnerable due to weakened immune system (cancer treatment) then why not have them go home?

What if something happened to them in Virginia - wouldn't you feel guilty? What if something happens to you? Wouldn't everyone else feel guilty? Your DH needs to be quiet if he is not going to be helpful.

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I am off of chemo but mentally and physically my new treatment tp prevent the cancer from returning gives me pain and emotional issues. I don’t feel like I have control of my life anymore because my Dad goes to the store for me while my husband is at work and I let him because I become lazy when he’s here, it’s awful. Then my mom gets upset with my husband’s personality and then my personality isn’t the greatest so then we’re all miserable. I don’t know whether to ask them to stay or not.

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Very tricky issue.

Do they want to go home? Have you asked them?

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Yes and no. I think they don’t want to upset me.

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How would they get to Florida from Virginia?

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We are driving back so we can settle them in.

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Are your parents residents of FL? Is their residency in peril tax-wise if they overstay in VA? If not, are they financially able to stay in a VRBO near you but not with you so you can split the difference? I totally understand needing peace and quiet to recover. And also for your husband's peace as well. Like commented by others, would they drive back or fly? Flying is too risky now. May you have peace in your heart (and body!) no matter what is decided!

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Hi thanks so much for responding. We pay my parent’s mortgage and they rent their apartment in Florida so they can survive. We love them dearly, but I like to be alone sometimes -this has always been my personality and they do understand this, but in this situation I know it should be automatic that I tell them to stay. The only problem is that if I tell my Mom to stay, she’ll want to stay forever because she adores me. This is why I feel horrible by not inviting them to stay here until this thing quiets down.

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Which county do they live in while in FLA? Some counties (Broward/Dade and possibly Orange) have more cases of covid-19 than other areas of FLA. I think that information would be important to factor into the decision.

There will be risks in driving them back to FLA. Will you have to stop someplace overnight? How will you sanitize that place? What food options will be available? Will the rest stop be open?

You aren't being selfish -- this is just a bad situation for everyone and the timing for you is very unfortunate. Is there any space in your home that you can declare "off limits" to everyone but you so you can get some quite time?

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No. I live in a 3 bedroom condo with the 2nd bedroom my study and my dad likes to use it. My mom sits in the kitchen all day so there’s no getting away. I like to only sleep in my bedroom and the only room is the dining room. We are civil with one another until my mom gets upset with my husband or doesn’t like how I sounded when I answered. We feel like little kids. My mom says she doesn’t bother anyone but we all know they are still our parents and act like parents. We don’t have kids so this situation is even worse for us.

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If they are in their own place in Florida then they are probably just as safe there as they are staying with you.
The problem may arise if you have to spend the night along the way, many if not all the hotels, motels and the like are shut.
Also you will not get a break when stopping for food as it will all be eating in your car.

And it is not like you can get them a hotel room where you are as, again most if not all are shut down. So until they leave you will not be able to "get away"

Your husband is probably correct if something happens to them in Florida you might feel guilty in asking them to go. On the flip side if something happens to them staying with you you will probably still feel guilty.
Guilt is a funny thing it is an emotion or feeling that we put on ourselves. We make ourselves feel guilty by our reaction someone else can not make you feel guilty.

Do what is best for you and your family your parents will understand.

(jokingly...have them stay in Virginia and you go to Florida!)

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"she’ll want to stay forever because she adores me". But you need to have alone time. Something I've finally learned is that I've always thought that people love me because I don't cause problems and therefore allow them to walk all over me. Quiet people are usually this way. I find out that people still like or even love me when I let them know what I need. And then things are more fair. It seems you really do need to have that alone time. You've been through something horrific. Take care and make the best decision.

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Thank you for your understanding. I need to just sit and stare!

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Please know that either way you decide if your parents should happen to get sick, nothing you did or didn’t do will cause it. No place is safe from Coronavirus right now, it’s a risk for us all. It sounds to me like for the health of all of you, knowing that mental health is just as important as physical health, it’s time for them to return to Florida. Your recovery counts. Take all recommended precautions and know you’ve done your best, that’s all any of us can do. I wish you the best

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Where are you getting another three months out of this?

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I am thinking my parents will say that’s the time they think it will be safe to go home. My Dad said he will go to the supermarket which is literally across the street early in the morning. Y husband is more worried for them. Maybe because I had such a shock that I had breast cancer last year that I’m not worried?

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I am a Breast Cancer survivor. The first in my family to have it. I firmly believe that my cancer was triggered by stress. I believe you would feel better if you can come to a decision. If it were me, I would let them go back home to Florida. How can they get there? Could you drive them to lesson exposure? There is a lot they can do to self quarantine. In fact, if they don't use computers or smart phones, you could order food for them to be delivered. Or they could play the "age" card and order over the phone.

One side thing. I don't know if Tamoxifen is still used or not, but when I was on it I had trouble containing my urine. I thought it was my age + pregnancies. It wasn't until I got off of it that I realized it was the medicine.

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Stay well, MaryKathleen 💗

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I think you are the only person that can answer this. If your parents should stay for a bit longer resolve in your mind that this is temporary. If you decide to ask them to leave be at peace with your decision.

Discuss this with your husband. Discuss this with your parents at an appropriate time. I also sought out a therapist to help sort out my feelings. It definitely helps having an objective professional perspective.

Even if everyone has a healthy relationship, too much togetherness can cause friction. We all know this. Parents often still feel they are authority figures. They can only learn to behave differently by your cues. We do teach others what is acceptable for us.

You have expressed your feelings on being responsible for your parents very clearly and honestly. I have complete faith that you are capable of expressing your feelings to them. Sure, it may initially feel awkward but please do not commit to something that you don’t feel is right for you.

You have had your own personal challenges. You need time for physical and emotional healing. Right? Do not feel guilty about wanting your independence.

I can tell you that if I could do things over I would not make the choice that I did. I had different circumstances. I was dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

We all make decisions that we feel are best at the time. I grew to really regret the decision I made as mom became harder to care for.

Keep us posted and vent anytime. Many of us have been been in your shoes, struggling with decisions regarding our parents.

I sincerely wish all the best for you and your family. Take care 💗.

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It is important to know what kind of support awaits them at home in FL. Do they have someone to shop for them? This is very important, because any state can be on lock down at any time. If there is no support there for them, then I would have an HONEST and open discussion with them. That you are tiring. That you are battling cancer; that you cannot take helping Dad with Mom. That this is a difficult decision for you.
I will tell you frankly, if there is support there for them, then send them home; someone to shop and deliver for them.
If there is not, keep them there. I would not make the decision for THREE months. Take this a month at a time. We will know in about another month just how bad this will be bad AND WHERE.
Tough for all of us now, but I tend to agree with your hubby. Make it VERY CLEAR you cannot do it all, and ask your hubby in what ways he can help you keep them there is necessary.

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This is a stressful time for everyone. I like the advice I read, take it week by week right now. You don't want them in a heavy populated area. They need help getting their basic needs met.

Have a family meeting and find ways to make the time together more enjoyable. You are able to tell them what you need to get better and suggest other ways they can help. Set up a guideline and a goal. Work toward that. I really think you should go to Florida and leave them in VA. Have a vacation and heal by the water.

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I got back yesterday from driving my aunt from eastern Ohio to Clearwater, Florida. I saw no closed hotels along the way. Rest areas were open. We stayed in Hampton Inns. All rooms were exceptionally clean. Hand sanitizer at check in desks. Some workers wearing masks.

I took hand sanitizer and Lysol spray and wipes with me. We wiped down all hard surfaces in hotel room. Most restaurants were open for take out. Breakfast we ate at hotel breakfast bars. They were sanitizing tables and chairs after each use. At noon we did drive thru. We took our Lysol spray into rest area restrooms, along with wipes. At dinner we called in a take order to Outback, and other similar restaurants. The trip went well for both of us. My aunt is happy to be visiting her daughter and grandchildren. I’m happy that I took her so that she could visit. Her husband died two months ago and she is very lonely. Driving made for much better arrangements than sitting in a crowded airplane, surrounded by people.

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So, did you see people wearing gloves at the gas stations while pumping gas?

Did you have options at the breakfast bar? Was it a buffet or individual servings? Any adaptations due to the virus?

Curious about these things. I try hope everyone did as much as possible to reduce the spread in hotels and restaurants during your trip.

I don’t think I would have the courage to go on a road trip right now. You’re right an airplane sounds like a nightmare, a cruise too.

I certainly understand everyone is going a bit stir crazy. Will be glad when this crisis starts to wind down and we see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Confirmed cases are growing here in Louisiana, almost 1800 now and 63 deaths.

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I agree, this could be over soon, this could go on a while. Since ur parents are probably at risk, who can help them when they get home?

Believe me I understand how you feel. Even though they are ur parents they are guests. And ur not comfortable to go off to ur room to be alone. When Mom lived with us, my husband asked why I didn't bring her up to my den to be with me. First, all I have up here is a loveseat. Second, all she could do was watch TV. I don't watch daytime TV and it drives me nuts when its on. So, she spent time in her part of the house and ate with us and then watched evening TV with us.

Seems Bridger had no problems in her trip. But then ur immune system is compromised. Don't think u should make the trip. Such a hard decision.

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NHWM, Breakfast was prepared in front of us. Workers wore gloves and masks. Same at restaurants along the way. I wore gloves at service stations. Some people at the pumps were wearing gloves, but others not. I used debit card at the pump so I didn’t have to go inside any of the stations. My cousins house is oceanfront at Clearwater. The first day I was there we could see a lot of college age people on the beach. We didn’t go out on the beach. Sat by the pool at my cousins house. We didn’t go anywhere while I was there. My cousin and her husband hadn’t been going out. I didn’t see her children or grandchildren. All in all I think people were acting cautiously. I live in an area that is the last state to have a case (WV) and there still isn’t a case within 50 miles of where I live. But I’m staying inside until it’s safe.

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Interesting. Thanks for answering my questions. Appreciate it. Stay safe 💗.

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Well, my daughter who's 26 had to drive 3000 miles alone across the country and had no issues........she left this past Saturday morning & got home on Monday afternoon. Hotels were open, food was available, as Bridger explained, etc.

Yes, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to your parents in Florida. Likewise, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to them while they were visiting you in Virginia!

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Safety at your house is no more guaranteed for your parents than danger is for them in Florida, or safety THERE. We are all going to be exposed to this virus eventually, let's face it. And we will either have no symptoms, very mild symptoms, or severe symptoms. We can't live our lives in a vacuum until this all passes, because in reality, that could take 18 months or more. And, in the meantime, you may not be able to get your folks back home if the hotels are ordered to close. Now is your chance.

Good luck and I hope you can get the R&R you need and deserve. Watching the news all day and entertaining others sounds like a nightmare to me.

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Oh my gosh, I don’t like the sound of that, 18 months or more 😞.

Glad your daughter made it home safely.

Are you still working at the memory care facility? Stay safe, Lealonnie 💗.

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Sounds like your Dad is the easier personality to deal with. Maybe you could have a talk with him and say you need to reclaim the study for a couple of hours each day. Maybe pick a time when he can talk a walk or read the newspaper in the living room. Or maybe you can spend time your bedroom, napping or reading, or surfing on the computer -- whatever you like to do. The weather in VA should be improving now - do you have a place where you can walk (keeping social distancing). Do you drive? Maybe take a little drive to a nearby park. Does your treatment protocol give you access to a social worker/therapist? Your new "normal" will take some time to get used to and talking with a professional can be very helpful. There are also group of cancer survivors that can provide a lot of support -- sharing experiences can be very theraputic...plus it gets you out of the house for a while so you can focus on yourself and your healing. Take care of yourself.

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I, too, was going to suggest the study space being shared by all, with certain hours being each couple’s time. Or it be the parents living room, with the kitchen off limits except for eating.

Now is the perfect time to discuss alone space, since it’s been decided it will be an additional 1 month & possibly more.

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My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months,, YOu will feel guilty... Weigh your options... perhaps you can come to a good conclusion.

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The virus is literally everywhere. If the parents get it, no matter where they are, it’s no ones fault and nothing to feel guilty over. We can all be careful in this, and also know it’s not under our control who gets it and who doesn’t

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Maximus I know I'd rather have my daughters where I can keep an eye on them, at the moment. Can't, they're busy, and so am I. But I can feel for your parents. You don't stop worrying about your little chicks just because you're the one who needs care these days, and I'm sure they want to help and support you. Ironically.

Still! - I do feel yours would be better off in a town, with amenities on hand. Try being breezy and matter of fact about the simple practical conveniences, and see if that perks them up. It's still logistically possible to get them home, is it?

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you are tired - take some decompression time - sit in your room for an hour
after dinner or in the afternoon / time that is just your own /there will come a
day in your life where you will mis having dinner with your parents .

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It depends where in Florida they live. I would not allow them to go back to any county that is experiencing higher rates of the COVID-19

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I'd do anything to be close to my parents again. You're lucky you have them because when they are gone....they are gone forever. Can't you just reclaim a part of your house for your alone time? They shouldn't be traveling and just because they live across the street from a market doesn't mean they should be in the market.
This shouldn't be just about you. Were all in this together. Your parents kept you safe and healthy and it is now time to return it to them. Could you hire some help if need be or do you just not want them in your home?

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I can appreciate your wish for more solitude and personal recovery time, but I don't think it is wise or safe to travel right now even between states. Try to stick it out at least until summer and then re-assess the safety of travel.

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No. They won't realize how much pressure it puts on you and you really need the rest. Be firm. I had mine live with me for about the same amount of time and it is stressful when you are well! It sounds like they will be fine in Florida and who knows how long this situation will last? Good luck!

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I was in the very same situation and thought these very thoughts! I feel so relieved to read this. My mother was here for 3 months. I was tormented what to do also. We did take her back home just recently.
She lives up north where it snows and we live south where it’s warm.
We waited until most of winter was over. She really is happier there and my husband and I can get back to being married empty nesters. It was a strain on us. We did our part and she feels confident now to get her meals and groceries. She has elderly friends to talk to. Because of the virus no one is out and about either.
It’s good to be in your own nest and surroundings during this virus.
You have my blessing to go on with your life. Your immune system is fragile and recovering mentally from what you’ve been through is sometimes tougher than recovering from cancer treatment.
There are many articles and studies done on the health of women care givers and it’s not good.
Your husband and your health should take priority over others so that you are able to help out when there is a true emergency situation with them when no other options are available.
Bless you, I wish you well.

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Thank you for your help. My 92 year old Dad and my 61 year old husband had a disagreement about something and then he called my husband a “ pussy” because he doesn’t ask his boss for a raise. My Dad says he calls him that because he wants him to stand up to his boss because he feels his boss is taking advantage of him. My husband just recently asked for a raise because it was the right time. Years ago he would have been fired if he did. Also my 90 year old mother said my husband’s personality “sucks”. They always said they tell the truth and boy do they. Now my mom is hurt because I said they’ve been here 3 months and I need my space. I also spent a month in Florida before they came to stay with us. I’m going to write to you my entire story to let you know how much time my husband and I have spent with them. Maybe the people who think I’m awful will understand why I want some space. By the way, I grew up in a very loving and wonderful environment, and now after years and years I am venting. No one has been the daughter and son-in-law we have been to them. So what if I get annoyed! PS If we sit in our bedroom to watch our movies my parents become upset.

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I don’t have an answer here, honestly I don’t think there is a good answer just the one that best for all of you. That brings me to one point that occurred to me though, this decision is for all of you to make together not just yours “asking” them to stay or not. Don’t carry that load all by yourself. I’m guessing your parents are in the higher risk demographic based on age and so are you based on underlying health issues so you all need to consider those facts when it comes to travel as well as day to day life. Some things can’t be avoided other things can it’s all a balance. Anyway I would suggest a family meeting or maybe several, including your husband both for your support and reasoning and because he is an intrigal part however you look at it, where you can talk about the reasons to go to Florida and the reason not to. You can be honest about your needs without hitting them over the head with it or making them feel unwanted or unnecessary and it may prove out that the thing they can do to help care for you is got back to FL or not.

That brings me to my other thought. It wouldn’t surprise me if a large part of their desire to stay as well as some of Dads hovering is about concern for you. You went through the Cancer but so did they just in a different way. There is nothing worse that feeling helpless as having to watch a loved one go through something like Cancer, it must be double for a parent watching a child. Your dad being right outside you door that morning was probably more about his worry and concern, you had sniffles (?) I think you said, than himself. He had probably been waiting since 4am when he got up to see how you were feeling! I do think we all want to keep our loved ones close during this time and fear of loosing them or watching them go through serious illness is normal and your parents and husband have a double whammy of concern given your added susceptibility. That doesn’t mean your needs for recovery take a back seat though. It does mean however that even with them gone your need to get back to normalcy in your life isn’t going to be met since we are all needing to find a new temporary “normal” right now.

Good luck, a decision you all make together, whatever that looks like isn’t going to be wrong. Keep coming from a place of love (for yourself as well as family) and remember their reactions are coming from there too probably with a fair amount of fear and concern thrown in. Don’t forget your husband is carrying that as well and sounds like he is carrying it for you and them as well, sometimes helping loved ones help you can really make a difference.

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I have the most wonderful parents don’t get me wrong. They are our best friends. Read my other posts about how much time we spend with them. I will regret that I told my mom I need space, but come on, I have spent every breathing moment with her. I love my parents. I just get annoyed sometimes and am quite angry that they are aging. I’m not handling their aging very well. They were the most intelligent and worldly people and know they can hardly walk. It’s driving me crazy to see them like this that is why I’m frustrated and get annoyed. I will be talking to a psychiatrist soon to help me cope with this issue along with my cancer issue and my brother who is not well. Thank you everyone for your support!

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Listen up, whoever will listen: forget guilt! If you are weak physically and/or very stressed by conditions in your own life: you will NOT be a good caregiver. You must take care of yourself, and that means a room of your own, quiet time when you really need it, and time for your husband & children who have to come first !
Babies & little kids are too young to understand; most older adults are capable of it. ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALONE! I am 82, was the only one caring for my mother; and I expect my kids to put their lives + the lives of their children ahead of mine! No way should the burden fall on only one! Parents put their kids first; we can only repay them by doing the same for ours! Find sone kind of help/assistance and survive! You’re not much good to anyone, if you’re not well!

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If something happens to your parents you will regret it for the rest of your life.

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I have been with my parents since the day I was born. I hung out with their friends, helped them clean up after entertaining, cancelled out dates so my Mom wouldn’t be alone when my father was away, went to help them with my dysfunctional brother to set up his new homes where I left my husband for weeks at a time for 7 years straight, travelled with them, lived with them for 3 years, went to their country home every weekend for 4 years with my husband, I spend 3 weeks every 2 months with them in Florida, pay their mortgage and support my brother and I can’t complain that 3 months is a long time? You’re saying I’m going to feel guilty?

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Your husband and any children above 10 need to pitch in and assist you.Have a family meeting address your concerns and state EVERYONE must do more.Put a sign on your bedroom or whatever room you spend your most time in.

One side says available the other says resting.This too shall pass and you'll eventually get back to your normal.

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My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

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