Let me start by saying I am taking care of my mother because no one else will. She has lived off my father, her mother, and now me. This is a woman who reminded me daily when I was a child that I was an unwanted pregnancy, how much she hated kids etc. As a child, I was absued by my father and she knew about it, when I was 14 she informed me that had I not ran through the house naked at age 3 I would've never been abused.
(I forgave my father because it allowed me to be free of my anger, not that he was right! He asked for forgiveness and for MY sake, I gave it) ok so he died in 2014 and she has been living with me ever since then. She wouldn't take care of my dad but now that her health is failing everyone should WANT to uproot their lives and care for her. My only sibling could give two craps about caring for her all she wants is cold hard cash. Which my mother has already made her life insurance benefactor my sister, so all I get is the JOY of this time with her and her expenses. My mother is a narcissist, a chronic complainer,with emphysema, stage I don't know lung cancer metastatic to the brain. The neurologist has been radiating spots on her brain every 6 months since the day she turned 65 and she is 18 days from 67. Ooh I forgot to mention she still smokes like a freight train and refuses to stop. She only quit drinking after she had brain surgery and the doctor said it wasn't safe. Ok now that you have some back story let me begin.
There is actually a question floating in this somewhere I promise...
So why is it when she gets a cough, a cold or an attack of allergies why does she expect me to treat her like a sick 2 year old?
My mother in law says I am just too hard on my mother which is another thing for another time. I am trying but the more I give the more she expects from me. I dread a day off! I work two jobs and care for my own daughter who has autism . I have my own family with my own problems! How did I end up in this no win situation? I feel like I have sold my sould to the devil himself!
You would think since she is in fact dying she would want to I don't know, go to church with us on Sundays? Or at least try to be helpful in some way but no. She sleeps all day and wonders why she can't sleep at night. I feel sorry for her poor doctors because she bugs them to death! Finally yesterday I called and got her some cough meds with codeine hoping it would help and it does but it certainly doesn't stop the complaining, groaning and poor pitiful me attitude she has. Other than putting an ocean between us which (I wish) was an option. Can someone help me figure out how to cope?
This is going to sound awful but if she is going to be with me until sweet death comes for her (or me) I am so stressed out I don't know what to do!
Now on days she is FORCED to leave the house like for a doctor's appointment or something she acts fine but when it's just she and I she acts as if the grim reaper is coming any day!
(Now I'm just venting) but after my grandmother, her mom leaves for WEEKS she acts like a complete child! She will raise her voice from her bedroom, bring me a drink, bring me a sandwich, wash my clothes, clean my bathroom whatever. Like she is paralyzed and can't pass the threshold BUT by grannies she can walk outside to smoke 45 cigarettes a day, yes she smokes two packs a day! Someone please guide me, my own health (and mental outlook) is changing, depression is setting in and down comes the rain. I don't have time for myself EVER! It feels like I am being pulled in three hundred directions all the time, I can't eat, I am losing a lot of weight, I'm already severely anemic but not once has she inquired about my health or heart! And you know what? I don't think it's very good! I'm 38 and I feel like I have aged 40 years just being g here!
Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or behavioral oncologist? It sounds like there was mental illness in play BEFORE the cancer hit her brain, but now that it has, you've got a double layer of whammy.
Is she on Medicaid? Can she not be cared for in a Nursing Home?
I'm sorry for all the questions, but you'll get more answers if we have a more complete picture.
I feel for you! ((((Hugs)))))))!
Forgive me if I sound heartless. I am not heartless. I have taken care of my mom since 2005 and it is so hard! Like you I was in a difficult situation. You say, no other sibling wanted to care for your mom. Well, I have always been the kid closest to my parents, the others went about their lives doing their own thing.
My mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She was too old to rebuild. She has Parkinson's and a widow. My dad died in 2002, so I was already caring for her, just not in my home. Also cared for my dad before he died, and cared for an older brother that is now deceased. I feel your pain. So hard having someone who is sick live with us knowing that no one else will help.
In your case, how have you been able to put up with your mom's emotional abuse?! Forgiving your father is one thing. I forgave my brother for all of his crap before he died, for my sake and his but you were way more generous than me!
I'm not sure I could handle my mom blaming me for your father's abuse! There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. None!!!
I hate to say it but you should let your mom fend for herself. She is toxic with a capitol T. Take care and please let us know how you are doing. Vent anytime here or please feel free to pm me. God bless you.
Anyway I am praying for you, me and all of us as we go through this drama! God Speed my friend ! I am sure if you are here you were probably looking for advice and not expecting to have to give it 💜
But I completely agree with Barb's recommendation to think about a hospice assessment, and that you take full advantage of that as an opportunity to accommodate your sick mother out of your house, and out of your daughter's life.
Look. There has been a little flurry of questions on the forum lately, some of them I regret to say on the hostile side, debating why it is that some people end up as martyrs to their unreasonable parents' demands.
There can be all sorts of reasons, some of which are nobody's fault, nobody intends any harm to others or sacrifice from them. But *sometimes* people are drained as you are being drained because... they volunteer. There is no other way to explain it.
Stop volunteering. You have a child to consider. And, I guess, a husband who surely has an opinion about all this that you might want to listen to?
Is her life insurance policy whole or term? If it's whole, she should be able to cash it in and pay for a nursing home for herself. As long as there is money to pay for her care, all assets should be used to pay for her care. No one is entitled to an inheritance.
You do not have to feel stuck with your mother for whom you do not want to care. If she has assets, it's time to help her make new living and care arrangements. Should those assets run out, a social worker can help her apply for Medicaid.
In my opinion, your choice is between your own well-being and your mother. You have your own family. What good are you to your husband and child as a burned out wife and mother? Your mother-in-law is not helping you perhaps because she wants to secure a place for herself in your home should she ever need it. A qualified therapist can help you as you work through transitioning your mother.
My kids were at home when mom first moved in. Wasn't an issue then as mom was a bit more independent. I don't have to tell you this, have a feeling that you already know it but it will continue to get harder, much harder and our parents consume all of our time as they need more. Your daughter needs you. I feel guilty about all of the time that I had to spend at doctor appointments and hospitals with parents when my kids were home. Don't miss out on this precious time. Please. Do this for you/hubby and do this for your daughter.
It's still hard even though my kids are on their own. I hardly ever get to see them. One is sick and could use me. Lives an hour away. The other is at college and she is an hour away. Time goes by so quickly. They grow up fast, leave home. Don't miss out on sharing a life with her. All of you deserve that.
Were these women like this when you dated and married? Did it turn into this when you married? After child birth? At 60yrs of age, I can not see my dad dating a woman like this, never mind marrying this viscous person.
I apologize for asking such personal questions, it has boggled my mind just about all my life.
I often wondered if once she had me, there was some sort of post postpartum non baby bonding thing that was known, mentioned or understood back in the 50's when I was born. Something that would have change the woman he married.
I just can not see then being friends, never mind married.
As challenging as it may seem to move in this direction, you being a martyr never helps anyone, least of all you...
As you indicate, you have enough on your plate without the responsibilities of your mother living under your roof. Understand that whether she stays or you have her move out, there will be emotional fall-out... you have to decide which fall-out you're willing to deal with.
Your sister wants no part of this, but she might step in if it's to help find the appropriate placement for your mother. If finances are an issue, applying for Medicaid sooner than later is a necessity.
I am so sorry that it has all come to this. No room or time for regrets, simply looking at your situation and determining what your desired outcome is... focus on what it is you really want... NOT what you don't want. Focus next on steps that are needed to achieve your desired outcome... look at what you are willing to do to achieve your desired outcome... then take a slow deep breath and take just 1 step toward your goal...
As overwhelmed, stressed, upset and frustrated as you feel, (understandably so) you can take 1 step, especially when you see it bringing you toward your desired outcome...
I wish you the best possible outcome for your health and well-being.
So get her on Medicaid and ship her off to the nursing home or assisted living (depending on the level of function).
Start with Medicaid to see if she is qualified - and your local Department of Aging.
Ask at your place of worship for help in finding the right people to call. Do it now.
My recommendation for you is also go to a therapist. It will hurt and bring out out those horrible feelings your mother has told you that you are that have buried . None of them are true, narcissists are liars. I literally cried for days . But no way I could have broken away from her without it. Now I can keep her at arms length ( thanks to a fantastic husband who steps in, I NEVER see her without him) and actually have peace
No one would take in my brother at the end of his life. We were not heartless. We had enough. Call it like it is. It is ABUSE! She may even be mentally ill but it is still ABUSE! God knows what she endured living with your father.
Your situation is so sad. So very sad. You deserve better. You deserve healing.
I will give you two personal examples. My brother was a heroin addict that refused help. Obviously his problem was much bigger than he was. I do have compassion and I loved my brother and wished with all my heart that he would have been able to agree to get help. For whatever reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. He was furious when I would tell him that I would not take him to doctor appointments if he had drugs on him. He was so crazy that he would say that he would tell the police if we were stopped that it was his drugs and not mine. Come on, he knew that wouldn’t really work. I would have been arrested too.
Once while helping him clean and organize I almost stuck myself with one of his dirty needles.
After a motorcycle accident while recovering in the hospital he asked me to go buy drugs for him.
I walked out of his hospital room room and fell apart. A wonderful nurse came to my aid. She instructed me to start taking care of myself. Sometimes the ugliness just doesn’t stop!
He asked me many times to live in my home. I NEVER allowed it. I couldn’t put myself or my family in that situation. It was bad enough going through it as a child with him. It was horrible having an older brother as an addict. But as an adult I had a choice. Well, he ended up homeless. I cried, I prayed. An old man took pity on him. The old man let him live in an unoccupied trailer on his property. When his time was getting close to dying (hep c) he brought him to an ‘end of life’ hospice facility. I did make peace with him. He was sorry at the end of his life. But I do not regret not letting him live with us.
Example #2, Years ago I helped out a friend who was a single mom of two special needs children, one had severe autism, the other high functioning aspergers. The one who was severe was manageable when younger and I babysat him all the time so she could go to doctor appointments, grocery, hair salon, movies, etc. As he grew older and became a very tall, strong teenager and he started abusing me. I really wanted to help her and foolishly thought I could continue helping her.
I was so upset I went to a therapist to discuss the situation and he told me I was being abused. My response was that he couldn’t help it due to his autism. He explained that the severe head butting could leave me brain damaged or dead, he also grabbed me and squeezed with a death grip until I was black and blue, pulled my hair out, etc. was awful!
My therapist finally convinced me that I was being abused even if he had severe autism.
He had also abused the mom, sister and grandma. The sister ended up leaving and living with her father due to being abused so much. He would bite her until she bled. She wore long sleeves to school to hide it. The dad divorced the mom when the children were young. The mom never defended the younger sister.
The mom had a closet that she ran to. We were able to hide sometimes but he would throw things at us when we would come out. Just a horrible situation. He was non verbal so he couldn’t express himself. She did not want to put him in an institution but this young man now in his 20’s may end up killing her one day.
Worst part for me! The mom ended up blaming me for being abused, saying that I did not run fast enough to get inside the “safety closet”. Needless to say that we are NO LONGER friends.
Your mom will not change. She will always blame you and others. Get out. Go to therapy. Once you get therapy you will begin to see how bad it is.
Others have good suggestions regarding applying for Medicaid and put her in a nursing home. I hope you can get it done. But, I have a feeling that she won't go quietly. You might have to threaten to evict her. Consult an attorney that specialize in this area on how to do that.
Or take her to the ER and leave her there.
She wouldn’t go to the ER either. She would have to trick her some of way.
I like the idea! It is am emergency of sorts. An emergency to gain sanity again, right?
At 60, ugh-how pathetic- I figured out I wasnt "Gods Garbage" and "God biggest Mistake", which was the names I gave myself. I dont remember when it started, but I do remember when I was 8, a classmate died and I remember wanting to switch places with her. So Im figuring by age 8 the damage was done. Fast forward 52 years, here I am, still stuck under this womans rotting existence.
I finally had to put distance between us and she lives less than a mile from me. You will suffocate to death if you dont. Please listen and get her out of there, dont give your entire life like I did, there is nothing there for you, you will end up wondering where your life went. Im 60. I have stomach issues, heart, and vascular issues. 2 small strokes under my belt and Ive has 5 surgery's and #6 is coming soon. I am physically and mentally done and it all goes back to being her daughter. First stroke I was 28 and you think I would have learned.
It was nothing more than mind control and I fell for it. I was so set on being a daughter, the way my friends were, I couldnt tell the difference and kept my mouth shut- b/c I WAS SURE it was me! dahhh.
By you reaching out to this thread, there is your first clue-proof positive-that you know this is wrong and you need out. That little bit of sanity your hanging onto is tell you change has to come. Being around these people is the same thing as putting your hand into a garbage disposal...your gonna get mangled. Trust me, there is no difference. Find whatever solution works for you and DO IT. Get her out of your home and let your brain clear the fog.
This stuff is viscous. It will take you down. If it hurts you, your on your way to the bottom, its getting to you. Make those arrangement and move her or accept this is going to be your life. My mother is 91. Can you hold out that long? Can you really do another 20+years of this bliss? So then why wait. Start now, it wont happen overnight, these arrangements take time. Keep quiet, just get it done.
Dont listen to people who dont stand in your shoes. In laws or family, anyone who does not have that cheese grater running up and down their spine every day has very little input. Make a few recording....when the opinions fly, share. I did.
My oldest, son, thinks its just "aging process." Mr. Wisdom doesnt even answer the phone when she calls. And naturally, in her eyes he walks on water. My daughter-its been years. She was always moms target- I was supposed to have only ONE child.
Its your life, your home, your problem. I hate to say it but its you that this burden has fallen on and its your turn to dig out from under it. These people, its in their bone marrow, its in their DNA and its not going to be changed by you in any way. You, on the other hand, have the guts and dignity to have tackled this problem and gave it all you got, thinking you would make a difference. Im proud of you! YOU are sincerely, unselfish-true human being. Wife, mother and you took on one more. Classy Broad! lol!!
I PROMISE you from the bottom of my heart you wont regret doing it.
Get in contact with Medicaid for placement ASAP. It takes forever.
Next time there is a medical occurrence, ER and then tell them u can not do it anymore. Contact her dr ( the recording will help of her verbal rants) and tell him to help with placement. Good luck! Rant and Vent here when you need to!
you are being taken advantage of
You don’t deserve any of this.
Bkerns.....first of all, my heart goes out to you, as a daughter trying her best to do what you feel is right for your “mother”.....i have given a lot of thought over the last few days while reading all these comments. This may sound rude or mean, but dang girl, youve had enough!!!! If your mom, and i hate tocall her that, truly has cancer and its metastatic, then its time to get hospice involved. Get her doctor to help you, and when she is placed, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN the other way. Get into counseling, YOU are a valuable strong woman, you did not deserve all that has happened in your life. And how is all this effecting your children?? You have to think about them. I know what im saying wont be easy....and probably some people will blast me for my comments.....but enough is enough!!! Take care of yourself and your family !!!!!! You deserve to truly be happy! From the bottom of my heart i sure hope you find some answers, help and most of all, peace in your life. Much love and many blessings to you!!