How do I deal with my MIL (82) who has developed an obsessive crush on a man?

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How do I deal with my MIL (82) who has developed an obsessive crush on a man?

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He is not interested in her and she is now harassing him. She was married to my FiL for 56 years and has been widowed for three. She is very lonely even though she is well supported, she goes to a day centre three days a week and we have just employed a live in au pair. She has plenty of visitors but its never enough for her. She developed a crush on a married man who goes to the same day centre and became obessed with him. He is a sick man and his feelings are not reciprocated. She has been told by the Manager of the Day Centre to keep away from this man otherwise she will be hurt, physically and mentally. They have terrible arguments and then he calls her to apologise. He is now hospitalized and she was told categorically not to call the hospital but she did. The hospital told told the family and the family are threatening to get a restraining order against her. She is having counselling and seeing a psychogeriatrician. I don't know what else to do. My husband cant cope with this at all and just shouts at her. My sister in law has schizophrenia and I can;t talk to her either. I am at my wits end.

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Thanks everyone for your input. We went to see MiL this evening and I think she finally realises that whatever it was is really over and that he was not the man of her dreams after all. I think the rose coloured lenses slid away. She doesn't want to see him again at the Day Centre so we'll have to review her options. Of course she now feels ashamed of her behaviour and is very upset...she's blaming him for showing interest in her in the first place and for leading her on when he had no intention of following through. I hope she will be able to recover and that time will heal her hurt. I really don't think she has dementia, I think she suffers from General Anxiety Disorder and there's a bit of a personality issue going on there. It's so easy to label people with dementia when the behaviour goes off. We'll see what happens with the psyche appointment. I really appreciate being able to sound off. Writing it all and putting it out there in a safe environment where noone knows me clarified a lot of things for me.

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I kind of understand it. My mother is sweet on a man at church. The man is friendly to her and sits with us, but he doesn't return any warm feelings. He is very close to death, so his main concern is putting one foot in front of the other and taking the next breath. It is rather sweet in a way. My mother perks up around him. She had been married to my father for 65 years. He died 3 years ago, leaving a big void in her life that her children and neighbors cannot fill -- even if they were to ever come around. Fortunately, my mother does not harass the man, but I have worried about it in the past.

Your MIL is probably trying to fill a void that was left when your FIL died. Our hearts keep looking for love, but it sounds like it is looking in the wrong place with this man. I don't know what the answer is beyond trying to keep your MIL from paying unwanted attention to the man. It might help if you could tell the workers at the day center to let him know it is okay not to apologize to your MIL if they have a spat. The calls may keep her encouraged that something is there.

I wish your MIL could find a good boyfriend who reciprocated her feelings.

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Lady, your statement that she's survived the Holocaust makes me wonder if her clinginess and apparent neediness is some kind of PTSD from the horrors of that experience. I don't have any specific Dx in mind but was just thinking that the uncertainties of that horror, the loss of family as well as the other atrocities may have installed a need for someone to cling to, especially as MIL ages.

I did some reading on post-holocaust survivors as my grandparents fled Armenia during the Turkish genocide, and I wanted to understand how that experience affected my mother and her siblings.

I'm wondering if there's something MIL can do to work with Holocaust survivors or the younger generation that are dealing with the survivorship issues, especially since you wrote that there's no other senior center near her.

On the other hand, maybe a trip to a farther away senior center could be an adventure in traveling and meeting new people - a different adventure every week?

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I would definitely try to find some answers about the behavior. For her therapist to just tell her to stop the behavior.......who would think that's going to work? If you MIL had any control over the behavior, she wouldn't be in this situation.

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Update. Unfortunately the object of my MiL's affection passed away yesterday, so now we are in an entirely different siutation as she grieves and comes to terms with it all. She saw the psychogeriatrician on Thursday night who is referring her for a brain scan to see if she is developing frontal lobe dementia.

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ladygeek, I am so sad for your mother. I know it was imaginary crush, but it was important to her. I hope that it is not too hard on her.

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There might be a possibility that his death will bring memories of the Holocaust, so watch and support her carefully as she adjusts to this new event. Sometimes events which are similar to the traumatic period can trigger a resurgence of the memories.

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Unwanted contact is called "stalking" and the family may very well get a restraining order. The judge will probably order a psychiatric evaluation. Often the offender has OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder, which can be medicated. You might want to have a conversation with her MD. She obviously does not realize she is doing something wrong, she thinks she is being helpful and caring.

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I hope it didn't seem as though I was suggesting reliving the past. and in fact hadn't been thinking of that when I suggested helping the current generation handling Holocaust issues. I apologize for my insensitivity - that point of resurrecting old memories just slipped my mind, and I am sorry for any pain that issue raised. In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I recall that my grandmother never wanted to discuss her experiences either; it was just too painful.

I think the separation anxiety is exactly what's going on with your MIL; you have a lot of insight into these issues.

I'm just wondering if she could transfer her need for attachment to a puppy or kitten? They would generally love her unconditionally and provide companionship a human can't.

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I am probably just talking from recent experiences I've had, but ladygeek, do you think your MIL might have late onset bipolar? I've been looking into the disorder for answers to the problems my own mother is having. Since you write that your MIL has depression, it made me wonder even more if it is the bipolar variety. That would explain many of the things you describe and can give her geri psych team direction in finding a medication that works. Ask her doctor/therapist if it could be a possibility.

How do I deal with my MIL (82) who has developed an obsessive crush on a man?

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