Mother is 92 years old, and has had several physical events that have led to cognitive decline. She has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but she's past moderate cognitive decline. She is in a wonderful and caring continuum care facility where she and my dad moved to Independent Living in 2006. He passed in 2012.
At any rate, she is vision-impaired, as well as hard of hearing. She can see us and knows who we are, but as for showing her pictures, or reminiscing, she really has no long-term or short-term memory of events and some people. She's very sweet and mellow, and compliant. In fact she always is afraid she's doing the wrong thing.
I guess I'm wondering what we do, other than keeping conversations down to a couple of minutes of "How are you doing? Can you see the weather outside?" A CNA brings her a tablet for the conversation and she says "Bless you" frequently, and blows us kisses at the end.
We're only an hour away and tried the distance in-person visits, but her vision and hearing (especially with masks) just didn't work. The sunlight made her sleepy, as well.
Is 5 minutes enough? I know she's happy and as comfortable as someone can be at her age and what her body has been through. It's kind of stressful for us, but it's not really about us. As I said, she's happy to see us, but has nothing to contribute to the conversation, nor do we have a life exciting enough to share - and she won't know what we're talking about.
The anticipatory grief is tough, and the situation is so different than when we lost Daddy.
I also had no idea what topic this should go under.
What was her favorite food as a child? What did she do to cool off on a hot summer day before AC? What funny stories does she remember about learning to drive? Ask about pets, hobbies, education, romances, favorite events, jobs. Keep it positive. Ask the kids to come up with great questions. Don’t ask about things you already know. Open ended questions will get her mind moving. If she makes a mistake or goes off topic, be positive and go with the flow. Don’t correct or redirect. If these conversations are happy (not critical) she will get excited for them. You will cherish memories of these conversations someday. If they become exciting, record them.
She will have good days and bad days. Don’t give up on her if she has a bad day.
If you tell her one of your problems and ask her for advice, she will feel useful and important.
If all the conversations follow the same format. “Hi.” - “How are you?” “What are you doing?” “How was lunch?” It would be hard for anyone to last more than 3 minutes.
I recently ran into one of my Grandmother’s dear caregivers who was hired after Gram became medically diagnosed as nonverbal/dementia following a serious fall after age 100. I was surprised to learn that she knew more stories than many family members - all told to her by Gram! Gram was not really nonverbal, just bored with us!
Now that my parents have passed away, how I long to ask them substantive questions about their high school experiences, military service, fears, secrets to happiness, the list is endless.
I visited Mom’s friend in memory care. She missed her deceased husband and I started asking about their romance. When I asked for “their song” she started singing and my daughter pulled up a recording on her phone. An obscure song from the 1940s! She really came to life, singing, duet-style with the iPhone, we recorded the event as tears were running down all our cheeks. (Her kids told me that they did not know their parents had “a song”).
The one thing that is not unlimited is your time together.
I've been trying to do things such as reading to her, showing her pictures, etc., but her diminished vision and hearing has made it difficult to communicate back and forth now. My sister took her on a virtual tour of her new home yesterday and Mother was impressed and talkative, but had forgotten by today that it happened. After her last emergency (rolled out of bed and hit her head a few weeks ago, her long-term memory is shot, too. Doesn't really remember family members too well, and doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm putting together a plan B.
I'll try some of these other suggestions. We can't visit in person, so touching, such as hand-holding is out. We keep smiles on our faces and comment on how pretty she looks and how glad we are to see her, and make sure she sees our kitty.
Thanks again!
If it seems like 5 minutes is enough then it is.
If she wants to talk more then let her talk more.
She may surprise you one day and want to have a longer talk.
but just checking in and saying... Hi, that is a pretty blouse you have one and I love the way your hair is done today. Oh, I put a package in the mail for you, I will call next week to see if you got it....might be enough for one day. Next week you can ask if she got the package of treats. (Include some treats she likes as well as some treats for the staff....prepackaged for staff nothing home made and you might even check to see if they would permit home made things for her)
The amount of time is not important it is the thought and what is accomplished in the time that matters.
She's a shell of her former self, but very sweet. I think there are distractions in the room where she sits for the calls, which don't help. Just people carrying on their business, but it gets her attention away from us. She is never encouraging us to end the conversation, but she's fine with us saying we need to go and will see her next week.
Hard to explain it ain't like it used to be with long distance calls mostly covered on land lines and most cell plans. Again, that was before dementia, so it was just something that always was an issue for a long time. After dementia, one could only hope for her to say this or have to go, otherwise you listen to the same things over and over for 30 min!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww&t=171s
Hope it helps.
We're blessed that she is sweet-tempered and compliant. She was always a lovely person, but her moods were unpredictable. She's pretty even now.
Ater the calls, I would ask if she was OK. Yes, but tired. Said one talked *a lot* & that she didn't always listen that hard, but it was nice to hear his voice.
I wanted to share the other side & to say don't feel guilty for not having longer calls. A shorter one may be more beneficial. Be guided by her & bless you both.
Keep in mind that it isn't going to be a give-and-take conversation. You talk to babies even though they can't contribute to the conversation, so think of it like that. Don't ask questions that start with "Do you remember..." because that's frustrating for all parties when they can't remember.
Your mom just wants a connection, and you're doing that.