There are many responsibilities to owning a home. As we age it gets harder to do the things that are needed not to mention handling household emergencies. My mother is 97 and until now I have been her solo support. She has refused to pay for things because “she wants to leave her money to me” or repairs cost too much”. Everything from cleaning, repairs and emergencies have been on me. It’s been 20 plus years of this. Now I’m getting older myself. I live over an hour away and my grandchildren live in other states. I never get to visit because an emergency may come up. My mother refuses to move unless I take her in. I have repeatedly told her that is not an option. Now she just waits for a crisis and calls me to save her. Recently I have said no but what can I do when her basement is flooded and she needs someone to help her. There is no one else but me. I’m so tired of all this. I feel so manipulated. Boundaries, right? She always finds a way to wriggle out of them. I’ve tried talking to her but it’s useless. Tried hiring help. She fires them. Tried showing her assisted living-nope nope nope. I’ve come here so many times just to vent. I’m sorry in advance for the rant but I’m at my wits end. Her endless needs are too much for me to handle. But she refuses to believe it and just dismisses me when I tell her that. I’ve talked to her dr and social workers. They just tell me as long as she is mentally competent there is nothing I can do.
I saw myself becoming a slave a long time ago.
Still, I did and did knowing I was not looking out for me.
I let her guilt me and trample me under foot. I’d yell and scream only to get up the next day and slave away!
shame on me for sure.
How is it..some of us see a train coming and get out of the way…others see the train and get frozen in place?
No, you cave in. You allow her to trample your boundaries because you have no intention of defending them because it makes you feel uncomfortable. You're a People Pleaser.
Tell her a therapeutic fib: "I'll help you move in." (she'll actually be moving into AL, not your house).
Condition #1: she assigns you as her Durable PoA (meaning it is in effect right away). Make sure she assigns you all possible authorities. Make sure it gets finalized legally, in front of the attorney. Don't move a muscle until she actually completes this step with you and a lawyer.
Then, she gets moved directly into a temporary "apartment" in an AL while you "get your house ready" -- there was a "glitch" and the power (or water, etc) isn't connected yet. Don't take her to your house for any reason. Do not even drive past it. Make sure the AL staff knows what the "narrative" is -- they will be happy to play along.
If your Mom is an anxious, agitated or paranoid person, make sure to discuss this with her primary doc who can prescribe meds for this. Do it via video call if your Mom won't go. Her cooperation is part of the condition of you helping her move.
Sell her house to pay for her care.
I wish you much clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on getting her into appropriate care.
Go visit your grand children and let the crisis occur, she'll have no choice but to accept a different solution then you.
So just stop already!!! What you're doing is ridiculous!
You have brought all of this on yourself, all because you've never learned to say the word no. And of course your mom is taking advantage of that and using and abusing you, and the sad thing is...you're allowing it.
So...as I say on here often...it's time to put your big girl panties on and start using the very simple and short word NO.
NO mom I'm sorry that I can't clean your house anymore, because it's all I can do to clean my own. And NO mom, I can't pay for that repair because I need my money for my own homes repairs. And NO mom, I can't come over to help you with that chore as I'm going to spend a few weeks with my children and grandchildren, so you'll have to hire some help.
You get the picture. As long as you keep enabling your mom and propping up her false sense of independence, she will NEVER admit that she can't live on her own.
Oh and I forgot one more no. NO mom you cannot and will not ever live with me. Period. End of sentence.
Your mom has you right where she wants you, and you just go right along with it. Why? I have no earthly idea.
Perhaps a good therapist could help you better understand why you feel that you have to be someone's doormat just because that person is your mom.
There are definitely some strong underlying issues there for sure.
So STOP the nonsense today(20 years is long enough!!!), and start using that two letter word NO, and for God sake go visit your grandchildren.
i feel Your anguish.
it resonates like a burning fire!
someone mentioned boundaries are for us to protect ourselves. I agree and I’m learning this lesson. Boundaries have never been respected by Ma. She’s not demented. She’s selfish.
guess what: I greatly contributed to drawing out and or exacerbating her weaknesses so she could use them against me! 🤔
caregiving sucks the life out of Us before We stand back and realize how much time and personal vitality we have given/lost as main caregiver to a parent.
trying to sit down with a parent after years of being a door mat to them always taking calls, skipping trips, self care etc…….its like clapping with one hand: useless. They become conditioned by our care and service whether demented or not to ramp up the demands until something goes wrong. Then, they blame anyone but the mirror they look into! They blame me or you
I’m caught in the caregiving toilet bowl with you swirling away!
take a vacation. Take two.
go do your thing.
i have blown years of my life trying to be the good son and do, do, do….
i hope anyone reading this just getting sucked into family caregiving steps back and insulated themselves yesterday!
its not to late for all of us who have been consumed in family care because we chose to serve.
some of us forgot ourselves in the midst of the mayhem.
easier said than done!
Good luck.
do something nice for yourself
The woman is 97 and not functioning on her own .
You can’t fault her ?? How about that she’s being selfish and expecting OP to take her in her home and continue being her servant ?
I became very resentful when something happened to their house that had to be dealt with because they couldn't any longer. They should have sold it a long time ago.
It is just plain wrong for parents to expect their kids to be dealing with their house especially on top of caregiving. And most especially if these kids are in their 60s and 70s themselves. If you can't fix it yourself or find and pay for someone to fix it, you should not own a house.
- Household tasks, daily, weekly, occassional maintenance. Eg cleaning, laundry, yardwork.
- Financial help eg bills
- Home help, daily, weekly eg grocery shopping, collection of medications
- Personal care eg help with bathing or dressing.
- Driving to appointments eg Doctor, Podiatrist, Hairdresser.
Now write down who does each task.
Mom? Momsgoto? Someone else?
What does the list like like?
If it looks like the one I helped write a few years ago... well Holy Moly will ya look at THAT!!!
Followed by Well, that gotta CHANGE!!
Tasks OP will no longer help with .
Then ask the 97 yo what are her plans going forward to get those tasks done . Tell her you are not helping with those plans . Leave her to deal with it all on her own .
Remind her she’s not moving in with you .
“ Stop helping , sometimes it’s the only way to get them to accept help from someone other than family , whether that be hired help in home , or assisted living .”
In your Mom’s case not owning a home would be best .
Learn the word “ No”.
“ Sorry that will not be possible “.
They would just keep letting me do and do if I never back away.
Why would they , when they have me.
"As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
Another good piece of advice -
"What you are feeling is not guilt. It is grief. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Grief - is when you are handling the loss of something."
You can grieve a lot of things - in this case - the fact that your mother is no longer able to take care of herself and needs more help than you should/can reasonably provide.
The hardest part of being an adult child with a parent who can no longer take care of themselves, is that sometimes we have to do what is best for them, in spite of them.
She is mentally competent so there is nothing you can do.
She is 97. Very soon a fall or health crisis will happen that will change the dynamics of the situation and things will change.
Honestly, I wish my parents would sell the house and use the funds for AL. But, they refuse (my dad especially, mom has no idea because of dementia). It is so frustrating that the house is becoming so old and in need of repairs the value is decreasing. And, yes one day it will be mine. But, I will only sell immediately because I do not have any sentimental value to keep it.
She is using the money aspect for control. In fact, much of the reluctance people have about AL is about control.
Give her options, such AL or nursing home. Take her to visit one for lunch. Tell her to choose which one she wants. Then she will feel she has control to decide.
Having to help from an hour away is not sustainable, draw the line.
Many of us were groomed to rescue them . It didn’t even occur to me to let them flounder on their own , until the social worker told me to stop helping .
My Grandmother was appalled at talk to send her to a 'rehab' place once she found out where it was located. There are new buildings now too but the old buildings had been The Benevolent Aslyum. For the old & feeble, the ill & destitute. Patients were called *inmates* with desceiptions of "waifs, strays and physically decadent inmates, with senile decay". Then came the white-coated attendants of the 1960-70s mental health era.
Maybe this is where this notion to die in your own bed stems from? Because there are worse places to LIVE/EXIST in before you DIED.
Any family with a memory of that place was shared around the entire community for horror stories, over generations.
In fact, my Grandmother still talked of The Poor House. The threat & fear of being sent to the Poor House or Aslyum had seemed to have carried forward from ancestors in England.. back from the Victorian era or maybe way back to 1600s..!! Blimey.
Yet.. when this very Grandmother moved herself in assisted living. Literally put her house up for sale herself & choose what to take.
Now THAT was truly being independant.
See if you can get her to go just for a visit, to see the place and check out the rooms and activities and dining facilities.
She might change her mind.
Good luck!
You have been told your mother is competent.
She has made a decision to die in her own home, and that is almost certainly what will happen. She is 97. Would it give you more comfort if she passes in a nursing home? And if so, WHY so? That's the question you need to ask yourself.
Let your mother know that she may not be old, but that YOU are. That you cannot provide care now in emergency. Give her the number for APS and for 911 and for ambulance services. Await that call that indicates she has been transported to hospital and address it there with social services. Tell them that she may require guardianship of the state as she is refusing to move to adequate care and you cannot make her do so.
Many seniors choose to die in their own home. Looks as though your mother is doing that. I don't think you have options and you have already explored them and found that to be true. Call APS if you feel she is in need. I am sorry. But more and more I understand those who wish to be carried out their own door feet first. Guess that's what happens when you hit your 80s? My single reason for choosing care at this time would be to save my children worry.
I'm assuming your are in your 70's. Take a cruise. See your kids. See your grandkids.