Hi. My brother and I share the primary care of our mother who lives with dementia. As my brother lives closer and drives, he manages appointments, visits, etc., and I manage her bank and other administrative services such as telecommunications, utilities, etc. online. My brother has recently started to request bank statements to make sure monies are not being misappropriated. I have explained that as POA and POG (my brother is seconder in the event I drop dead) I must abide my strict Australian law which banks are very aware of and he has access to mum's paper statements. I am checking with the bank if they can provide my brother with duplicates every time they issue a statement but am upset that my brother does not trust me or may be receiving advice from another family member which may not be in his best interests. Has anyone had a similar issue and how did you resolve it?
Is your mom still living independently and resisting assessment?
Are you able to sit down with your brother and have a "clear the air" conversation? Is he trying to find out how much mom is worth, and what he7likely to inherit?
Your brother is backup POA & POG, and would be in trouble managing for your mother if you were caught up in any of these things. Perhaps he just thinks that a double check is protection for all three of you – you, him and mother. Our neighbor’s husband would have been very grateful for something like that. Brother may have had someone confiding about this sort of problem (let’s hope not himself). Perhaps talk to him about the ‘protection’ aspect, and ask if there is anything specific that he is worrying about.
Keep a good relationship if you can, for all your sakes!
Are you able to ask your mother's permission to share information with your brother?
This is where being on the same page with siblings goes really next level.
The 'Keep Mum at home forever' folk vs 'Move to a nice AL'.
The live for now vs the future planners.
You & your brother would be completely normal to see the world slightly differently, despite being related.
Being able to hear each other's views, use Mum's values to shape what to do, work together to place Mum somewhere safe is going to be the challenge.
Hard? Yes. But able to be done! I hear successful transitions all the time.
"Mum was unsafe at home - it was time".
Are you there yet?