micalost Asked September 2017
Anyone have a mate who has neglected their health for so many years that they are literally dying at a young age?
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(53) I had No idea this was the case and after this person living here for 2yr sitting and eating junk food all day and never seeing a Dr. he is shocked his diabetic kidneys are failing and blood pressure is out of control. He never chked his sugar or saw a dr because he went by how he "felt"..... turns out it was around 700 and he went to hospital- blood pressure 300---- (he went to Dr for swollen legs). Sorry for the rant, but i am conflicted about telling such a person to find other residence... He is still doing things like not eating anything after cereal but a protein bar all day. I feel SO Anxious living with a time bomb. What should I do, i cannot help him. but for me- maybe go to group meeting?
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Unfortunately though, we are living with them and being kept awake with the tossing and itching,nightmares, mental loss.
As long as You arent the one bringing in the junk food.
Yep, didnt like antidepressants.
They are unable to sweat, and lose musclemass. I need to see a therapist too. Trying to focus on selfcare. (((HUG))) to you.
Mine is eating better now, snacks a giant bag of carrot sticks and soft cheese and saltfree crackers.
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I know it must be so concerning and heartbreaking. I'm no expert, but, I'll share my experiences.
How long has your husband been Type I? How old is he? Does he have a good Endocrinologist? I'm Type I and all I can say is that if a patient is not VERY MOTIVATED, they won't likely have good blood sugar control. EVEN when a patient is very motivated, works hard daily, sees doctor regularly, counts carbs, etc. IT IS STILL A STRUGGLE. I have the best medical care in the world, but, it's still challenging. I'm not sure how you get through to a person. I know plenty of Type I's who just seem to have given up. They just don't put much effort into it. AND they are suffering with horrible pain and disability (organ failure and neuropathy). I've even seen some die early, but, I'm sure you know all of this.
For example. There is an annual/semi/annual convention that comes to our city called Taking Control of Your Diabetes. It's designed for Type I's and II's. It's spearheaded by a Type I Endocrinologist in CA, named. Steve Edelman.(Please check it out. It comes to major cities) It's a fun filled day of support for the diabetic and their families.
It offers education, new technology seminars, information, free gifts, free screenings. nutrition classes, etc. for a low admission and if you can't afford it, they let you attend free! It literally feeds my soul. I have invited about a dozen people that I know who have diabetes over the years. NOT ONE OF THEM HAS EVER ATTENDED. It boggles the mind.
I will suggest that he check out a Continuous Glucose Monitor, if he doesn't have one. You insert a sensor under the skin and it constantly measures your blood sugar level, alerts you when too high or low. Still, you have to invest time and energy in wearing it.
A lot of people struggle with Type I diabetes control. Can you get your husband involved in a support group? I'm not sure what would motivate him, but, I can tell you what motivated me. I saw DEMENTIA in my cousin, who ignored her diabetes and hypertension. A 62 year old woman who could not care for herself, handle her own hygiene, tell you her history, walk or even make a sandwich. It got my attention and my A1C's have gotten into great control. It scared me into getting my act together. I've even had some in the 6 range!
With those high A1C's, he must be feeling REALLY bad. I hope things turn around, but, I would prepare for the worst. Please look after yourself. You can only do so much. It's really something that he has to want and work on. Do you have a teaching hospital near by? I found that UNC Endocrine to be top notch in the treatment of diabetes. It's not like what you might find at a general practitioner's office. It's comprehensive with all the latest in technology and advanced treatments. They treat the whole person. I might explore finding a place like that.
Doesnt this mean that his doctors think he is sicker than he is - raising levels?
I havent said anything because he's a flippin adult , but really??!
You had set certain boundaries when your friend first came that he was only to stay till spring. You were overwhelmed with caregiving which is no surprise to anyone here, and perhaps still are.
You say having someone live with you makes you worse.
I do believe that you need to look after yourself the best you can. I am glad your friend is trying to care for himself better; however, it seems that he is a very sick man who needs a lot of medical intervention, which I would think is too much for you to take on. Can you help or encourage him to find a place for himself? I can see that he is afraid and maybe not wanting to be alone, but on the other hand, he is not your responsibility.
Perhaps this is not what you wanted to hear. Maybe the following is.
I have lived with a dh who neglected his health - ate too much, smoked, had high BP, was overweight and eventually developed diabetes type 2. There was little that I could do other than the obvious of cooking healthy meals and living a healthier lifestyle myself, and, without nagging, bringing up my concerns. Eventually we split and he ended up with a heart attack, heart failure and a quadruple bypass. He also has sores on his feet which do not heal due to the diabetes. Since then he has quit smoking and is on medication for his BP, but his diabetes is not well controlled. He doesn't feel he has a whole lot longer to live. I believe the evidence is that without a major change in lifestyle/eating habits the bypasses will become blocked.
I wish you all the best in your situation. Please look after yourself.
I will read the comments - I hadnt wanted to talk about my past, I just wondered what others who had diabetes or had mates that had it and had neglected their health by living in a 'fantasy world, head in the sand'.... what they did, and where to seek help and their stories..
sorry i opened my life can of worms here... Yes, if you are severely mentally compromised by caregiving things happen because ou are too weak to fight. Thank you Jeanegibbs , he is trying and also I think afraid- who wouldnt be with kidnies failing and really hhigh blood pressure- sugar is now under control. We both Obviously have terrible comunication problems, yes i was the one of the family that took care of everything to keep the peace in an abusive home. I'll be back later - have to go see mom
My point is that diabetes doesn't have to be a death sentence. Even being in the stratosphere of blood glucose of 700 isn't untreatable. It is not going to heal itself, though, as you well know. So, does your friend WANT to get better? His condition now is life-threatening. That can very definitely be changed.
If he does want to change (and maybe feels hopeless about it) and you care for him a lot, you could offer to help him.
1) Go for daily walks with him. Very short to start with. Build up to longer. (This would be good for you, too.) Exercise is critical.
2) Make an appointment with a certified diabetes educator. (Insurance is required to cover this.) Go with him to each session (this is encouraged). Learn about the REAL way to eat with diabetes and don't just go on old wife's tales. If you do some of the cooking for him, take what you learn into consideration. If he buys and prepares all his own food, praise him when he follows good eating habits. Encourage him to do that more often.
3. Encourage him to comply with all instructions from the doctors -- take all his medications as directed, and make and keep follow-up appointments.
If he has stopped eating junk, that is a positive first step!
His life is far from over, unless he wants it to be. And if he is in self-destructive mode, it is probably best for both of you for him to live elsewhere. But if there is a glimmer of hope in his outlook, you could encourage that.
That is a lot to take on for you. Are you up for it? For some of it? How important is this person in you life? How strong are your "good Samaritan" feelings?
I wish you the very best in however you decide to handle this. Come back often and let us know how things are going.
Lifetime manipulators and are real challenges. I so often think of the song made famous by Sinatra, and sung more softly and lovingly by Il Volo: "I did it my way." And some of them still are doing it their way.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is hard to change someone. A person of 53 is very set in their ways. I know you are doing your best to help them, but sometimes even with our best efforts there will be resistance.
GardenArtist I think you said it best. My dad was stubborn and it was hard to manage his care. He smoked since he was a teen. He wanted to be independent. Even after his stroke I knew things could be better, but he was not the easiest person to help. I too wanted to avoid conflict and friction and drama. It's so tough. Thank you for your understanding.
I "was" just correcting a typo. It is good insight of yours that Mica may have been very vulnerable after her parents died. Dealing with a stubborn person is very difficult.
Mica - how are you doing?
It isn't that easy to back out of being an enabler; it happens sometimes without the person realizing it, and often just as interaction in a family when someone wants to be flexible and avoid friction. Attempting to interact with someone who's intensely stubborn magnifies the difficulties in that kind of relationship.
You need to care for yourself first. Beware of a "honeymoon" period if he starts to make changes and things look better. Then things fall back to where they were and more. Set boundaries and expectations.
ETA "NOT" - he s responsible for his moods and health, but you share responsibility for- him being there.
Also, you wrote "poof he was living here...2yr ago ) ".
If you were impressed by his"sunshine and rainbows", I suspect that either there wasn't much foundation or knowledge of him in this "relationship", or that you were on the rebound from your parents. Are they both still alive now (I apologize if they're not; I haven't checked your other posts).
Sounds like he waved a vision of rainbows and you needed relief and let him move in, or you moved in with him. Now the rainbows have faded and you've realized they were an illusion. Time to face reality.
Intense caregiving can I think allow people to slip into a world of delusion, where all is much better than real life, and/or someone appears to offer relief from caregiving. But sooner or later reality prevails.
(For those who dont know me, I was caring for both my parents for 10yr and my mom has alzheimers... She was getting really bad and i was 24x7 with her and poof he was living here...2yr ago )
Whew, you guys are voicing my thoughts and imaginings ...
He is not eating any more junk, and trying, but he is also pulling away from me- I have become so cold after my dad died I just figured it was my fault. perhaps he has awoken and feels bad burdening me .
thank you all ((((HUG))))
350?
Square feet or square meters?
This is going to be a bit blunt, but I'm sensing that you're kind of in the middle, feel sorry for himself yet don't have the courage to evict him. And, I think you need some encouragement to make the right decision.
First, you cannot control this person's behavior. You can only control your own. That's obvious, but sometimes pity and sympathy can sway someone to consider the welfare of someone else over their own.
Second, this man is CLEARLY not going to change. He's on a self-destructive path, probably accelerating by the day. Why should this affect you, even if he's a relative? You have no input or control of this man's behavior.
Third, Sunnygirl makes an excellent observation and points. This person in your living facility may not be able to comprehend his own destructive behavior.
Fourth, there is NOTHING you can do to change his behavior. Even if you found psychiatric or other help, you can't force him to accept it.
Fifth, do you want to be involved with someone who's heading downhill and won't change? Do you want to call EMS when he crashes, from whatever reason? Do you want to clean up after him when he's sick?
Do you want the obligation of being there and inherently assuming some responsibility for him?
And more to the point, do you have the stamina to watch someone slowly kill himself?
Think it over; you have your own life to live and it is not going to be enriched in any way by being with a self destructive person. Since you can't change it, what point is there in being involved?
I have seen something similar with a LO. If I may offer something else that I observed. The person that I observed also ignored health issues, diabetes, hypertension, diet, etc. and then after awhile, I SUSPECT that they went into this mental state, where they were not really able to process the truth. It was like they had cognitive decline, to the point where they weren't able to get on top of things. I believe this because a couple of years later, they had severe dementia!
I might evaluate this persons's abilities. Are they living in reality? Because, when I asked my LO about her health conditions, she said she didn't have them! I think she had forgotten. Really. As I heard a doctor instruct someone once, there are things worse than death. I think he was talking about the pain, misery, disability and dementia that neglected health problems can bring.
All the best and let us know how you are doing,
Jessie, your advice also is very compassionate but truthful.
There are times when we cannot overcome another individual's mindset or lack of care.
I didn't know this, but he was a Type 1 diabetic and didn't treat it. Felt he could raise and lower his blood sugar by his Vulcan Mind think (I kid you not, that's what he called it).....at age 59, he walked into the local University Hospital, just "not feeling well" and had a massive stroke right inside the doors. He was placed on life support as they scrambled to find anybody who knew him and could make life and death decisions for him. (At this time he had been estranged from the whole family for many years--and from his 4 kids). Finally found the oldest daughter and she and the rest of the kids made it to the hospital in time to see him. Mother was taken there also (she had not spoken to him in years, although he had a PO Box she regularly sent money to)...the kids were in hysterics--but there was no option, they had to take him off the vent--he was gone.
I shed no tears as this man did nothing but bring grief to my life, and he was not allowed in my home. The way he died was sad, though. He basically killed himself, he KNEW he had very high BP, diabetes, a heart condition...yet he thought he was a god, literally and never saw "real doctors".
His kids were distraught at first, but later, after things settled, they were realistic. He chose to live life off the grid and he also chose to die that way.
So, yes, I think a lot of us know someone who just thinks they aren't harming themselves by ignoring their health.
If you aren't comfortable asking this person to leave, get some help for yourself. Watching someone kill themselves slowly is horrible. You can't control or talk sense into your buddy....but you can prepare yourself for the inevitable.
Good luck!
They got no exercise except to go to the car to drive to get liquor, or when they fought and yelled at each other so loud that I could hear from my kitchen window.
The son had an ulcer on his leg which he said was from diabetes. Bluntly, it stunk. He used drugs and had a record dating back to 1985. (Next time I buy a house I'm doing a criminal check on the neighbors!)
I avoided the whole family and was relieved when they all died. A neighbor told me once the drug addict parked his car on the front lawn and took a nap.
I also am confident he was the one who instigated a break-in of my home. Police said it wasn't professional thieves, but someone looking for "stuff" to pawn or sell to local shops.
They sucked off Medicaid and whatever they could exploit. They all neglected their health.
Eventually the mother died of lung cancer, but she lived a lot longer than my very healthy sister who died of breast cancer in her 50's. And eventually the obese son died as well, probably in his 50's. He had just continued to deteriorate but never changed his lifestyle. A neighbor said he was in miserable condition by the time he left this world.
Eventually self negligence does take its toll.
If this person of whom you write refuses to care for himself, you have no obligation for him, whatever your living arrangement might be.
I would in fact, this very day, tell him to find another residence. This is too much of a burden for you to bear, and there's no reason why you should.
You're writing that his glucose level was 700? And his BP (systolic I assume) was 300? Does he use an insulin pump?
If he's in that bad of a shape, and has edema, it wouldn't surprise me if he ended up with lymphedema. I'm surprised he's still alive and hasn't gone into some type of diabetic crisis.
Please don't feel guilty for telling him to move, but do expect that this malingerer isn't going to act quickly and could just ignore you, so decide what further action you'll take, whether it's asking the police how to evict him, calling APS and reporting him, contacting the county health department and advising that he's self negligent, or asking if any mental health authority can intervene and take control/jurisdiction.
If he gets ulcers and they smell, do you want that odor in your home?
You owe nothing to this man.