Placed mom in memory care after a difficult and largely unsuccessful move to her hone ti attempt to care for her with caregiver supports .
Decision was made and implemented just shy of one month as an ideal location and room was available at our first choice.
I feel like an emotional wreck , haven’t cried so much, ever, I think . I know this is best, and have gotten much positive feedback about appropriateness of decision and know her safety and well being will be addressed far more competently than I can provide .
Feeling such profound sadness and despair.
Memory care is generally only for those who can afford it. That you can is something to be grateful for.
I am happy, not sad that there are facilities like this and that she can be properly cared for, as neither my brother nor I are capable of doing this.
We age, we are all living too long, some of us end up in a facility due to physical ailments others due to mental shortcomings, either way acceptance of the aging process is the watchword. You, too will have to face this as you age.
You have not failed her, she is where she needs to be.
Sending support your way.
I understand that she is sad about the circumstances, but the OP shouldn’t have any concerns about failure.
Yes, we grieve for the person who they once were.
Nevertheless, she should be proud of herself for being responsible enough to do what is best.
Too many times, family members decide not to place someone who definitely should be placed.
If you can split the ‘failures’ like this, perhaps you can deal better with your own ‘failures’, and be more objective about ‘best option’ for your mother. That may help you get through this ‘extreme grief’. It’s normal to find this stage very upsetting, but yes this is an ‘extreme reaction’.
But also know that you did the right thing for both you and your mother.
Best of luck.
Be happy that there was enough money to put mom in a nice mc where her quality of life, and yours, will improve.
I felt grief that mom suffered the way she did and prayed for God to take her Home on a daily basis.
I felt grief that she complained constantly about everything and everybody, and held me responsible for her misery.
I felt grief every time I visited her and saw her further deterioration, mentally, and sometimes physically after suffering TIAs.
It's common to feel sadness in such a situation, I think, as long as we don't take responsibility for their age, illness and deterioration due to dementia. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't change it. Old age is difficult to witness sometimes, but the upside is these women GOT to live long lives.
Your mother has not died, she is simply in a different home. You still have her in your life.
Time will heal this initial shock and you will find balance and joy again. In fairness to you, moving mom to a place that is better for her will benefit both of you in time.
You can spend as much time with mom as you want and know you did the best/right thing for her.
Finally someone has no come to us with "I feel guilty", the wrong G-word.
In this our times we often die within ourselves, while the shell of who we were remains. This causes the most awful distress for us and our family stands witness to every single step of it, to every single loss until this final one.
How could you not feel to most AWFUL grief standing witness, helpless, to these losses?
Who would you be if you could tolerate this without tears?
You have the right word--GRIEF.
You have the right response--helpless tears and anquish.
But that doesn't help the pain.
I am so sorry. There's no way out of grief but through it, and you are in all the "normal" stages.
When my parents died, each in their early to mid 90s, I stood outside and I was filled with RELIEF. I no longer had to fear for them. No longer had to witness their pain and stand helpless within it.
I am so very very sorry. I know you already know all this. No one can know what this is if they have no been there.
You need time to adjust just as much as your mom does. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your mom being the independent person that she once was and accept that she needs care from a professional staff.
Wishing you peace as you continue to be a wonderful advocate for your mother. Congratulate yourself on finding the best possible solution for your mother’s needs.