Ok I'm having a breakdown I am on the verge of being in the red zone I cannot make my mother cooperate I know. I can't make her comprehend what or why I want her to do something I feel like I am seething molten rock inside and I just want to effing get away before I scream something I regret . These are the times I feel like I really don't like her , because right now I don't. Right now she's really pissed me off , so ya I know she is sick. Some say she can't help herself I say some things she can . Ok I'm calming down now , thank you for listening... I will feel guilty about this later I know , but on the other hand I am human I forgive myself in that capacity .
Thanks for posting this. You know it's so nice to hear about a person and their family having a positive experience with a NH, AL, MC, or rehab.
You're right, there are good places out there. It may just take a little research to find one, but not impossible.
"My husband and I live here with my mom, she has dementia ,maybe late 5th early 6th. stage. I am her only caretaker, besides my husband, there is a restraining order against my sister for 5 years . We had a caretaker before, I had a job before ,then I had shoulder surgery . Complications with my arms arose , our caregiver quit . I tried to hire someone else , they were a no show , that was the only day I made it back to work after surgery. So now I take care of mom , instead of working and to say it can be a challenge is an understatement."
Have you contacted social services for your county to see if your Mom qualifies for any in-home services?
Have you tried working through an agency for a companion aid, at least 1 day a week to give you a break? There's a lot more management when it comes to privately hiring. Most of the times an agency can send a sub.
It's really hard to revise how we view our parents, after a lifetime of interaction with them. My 94-year old Mom lives next door to me. She always had somewhat of a challenging personality but this past 1-1/2 years she is cognitively changing a lot. Even though I KNOW it's her dementia causing her to do and say upsetting things, I often continue to react to her as if she was herself from 20 years ago.
Yes, lots of forgiveness and mental/emotional work. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey. Bless you for taking care of her.
No one has to give up their life often sacrificing their jobs, homes, marriages, and making their children suffer because a needy, elderly LO doesn't want to go into care.
No one wants to go into a nursing home.
If you're happy having her with you then, God bless but I'll tell you the plain truth here. I worked in homecare for a long time and when one person is doing everything it creates the perfect conditions for elder abuse.
I have seen good, loving, moral people who were dealing with a demented elder 24/7 come undone. No one has an unlimited supply of patience.
I worked in a house a couple times a week for a good and kind woman who's husband moved his mother with dementia in so she could babysit her and take care of her 24/7. She tried so hard and took so much.
One day I noticed that the MIL had a handprint on her face when I came in. I knew what happened and I didn't report her. I called her husband and told him that he needed to place his mother in memory care. He understood and a few weeks later he did it.
I worked for another client who the DIL was the caregiver. She actually became a good friend of mine. I showed up for work one day and she was in the garage sitting in the car with the motor running. She was okay. Her MIL was then put into care.
It's time to place your mother before one of you becomes a statistic.
Before my Mom passed, I was her caregiver. But, I had paid caregivers from an agency come in a couple of times a week. Because, I needed away time. It seems like you need a respite. try hiring caregivers through an agency if you cannot find a dependable one on your own.
Just remember Mom's brain is dying. There is no way to know what areas of her brain are getting enough juice to function. Between the two of you, you are the only one with the physical ability to adapt to whatever her brain is doing at any given time...She's beyond adapting and is just trying to hold onto her rapidly eroding connections to this world
Or as one of the "good Christian" ladies in my caregivers support group would do when her husband pushed her to the edge, she said that she would go out in her garage and let out all of the cuss words she could think of, and then go back in the house(feeling much better)and continue on.
You got to do whatever it takes to release the pressure valve.
Nothing wrong with leaving the room & screaming into a pilllow now & then.
Return, smile.
Let it go.
Do something else.
Any plans to get some balance back into your life? Get more caregivers for your Mother? Get back to work?
It’s clear that you are overwhelmed and stressed out, so I am urging you to seek help for your mother. Check with the county in your state where you live to see what programs they have for the elderly and what help they can provide for your mother.
Hoping you find relief from your stress.
The daycare sounds just right but do take everyone's advice and keep moving forwards with whatever care and support is needed. I've learnt a lot from the experience and kindness of the listening folk here. If you move forward little by little you will not feel so guilty (though you will feel sad) when a nursing home becomes the choice you know in your heart is needed because you will know you've done everything else you can along the way. Just wanted to send a hello and say make sure you look after yourself. And that you sound like a very caring daughter. And keep posting!