How to get a crabby Dad to move arms, legs (safely) while in chair? He was in hospital 3 weeks. Little rehab and I want to prevent decline.

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How to get a crabby Dad to move arms, legs (safely) while in chair? He was in hospital 3 weeks. Little rehab and I want to prevent decline.

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Dad is in assisted living and even gets home visit PT. He gets irritated by my carefully stated attempts to encourage him walking with assistance or doing chair exercises and won’t go to exercise classes provided down the hall. I don’t want a fight.

Exercise Mobility Physical Therapy

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He is 93. If you can make his therapy more interesting with games etc., fine. But if you can't... you may just have to accept that he has the right, as all of us do, to refuse a therapy he doesn't want.
Maybe he's just tired. I think many of those who live to his age are!

This can be a time for generations to re-connect, to share mutual memories, to reinforce the bonds that have made life meaningful. He may not last much longer. Therapy or not, it will not help anyone if these last few years or months are marked by stress and conflict.

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I would guess that with the hospital stay, your dad is extremely depressed. With the hospitalization, dad must be overwhelmed with thoughts about his life ending and, like my dad (91+), may simply want it all to end which is scary. To get him to exercise in his chair, I tell him that I feel out of shape and I ask him to HELP ME by doing some chair exercises or IF you think you can, would you go for a little walk with me? I don't know if it's right to some of you but my dad feels USELESS since my mom left us. He comes to life when he thinks I need him. Older people are so often swept aside and feel they are a burden. Making him realize I NEED him... he gets cranky and abusive at times but when he believes he is NEEDED, he is a different person. When people lose their will to live because of depression and fear, pull them back because they are USEFUL & NEEDED. Sometimes I get flustered and try to be forceful in getting him to exercise, but peace full, love full with a pinch of determination and neediness really helps. God bless you.
"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar".

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Can you hire a PT person to come in to work with your father? He might co-operate more during a designated session with a professional than he will with family prompting.

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The thing with someone to come in and show him things that will help is that they don't follow through and as soon as the P. Therapist leaves, they often don't continue. I had a personal thing once in a non-smoking plan. I called in every night and told them how wonderfully I was doing, FOR A CPL DAYS! After that, I found I really didn't want to quit then and start lying to my "coach". Took a while but finally did it on my own terms. Irrelevant to your answer, I know. People have a tendency to do what they want, even if it's going to kill them. I pray this womans dad will get inspired instead of the depression he appears to be in. This forum is great for those who need to see they're not alone. Don't you agree?😏

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My dad certainly got crabby when we bugged him to exercise better or more. Our family spent a long time thinking he wasn’t trying as he should, when the reality was he was simply worn out. He was exhausted emotionally and sometimes physically by all the encouragement to do more and try more. We backed off and let him live life as he saw best, or at least the way he was comfortable. I can’t say your situation is the same, but people don’t reach their 90’s often without being worn out and discouraged

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TracyA: Ask what the PT suggests. Or how about a device that you peddle while seated?

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If he can walk a bit, is it possible to have him run errands with you?

I spent many days walking through Sam's club, Costco or Walmart looking for ????? So that my dad would walk. He lived being out of his facility and he was willing to help me shop. It did increase his mobility and stamina and got him out of the same 4 walls. Great for him, me, I am still traumatized ;-)

My granny, completely wheelchair bound, loved to play catch with a plush stuffed animal.

What about one of those pedal machines that are used seated?

Best of luck with the balloons and other activities.

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I have seen this over and over again. Frankly, there is nothing you can do. However, what you can do is to (and I hate doing this but sometimes it is the only way), you threaten them that if they don't cooperate, you will walk away and leave them and that if they make their bed, they lie in it. Make them believe that and frighten them and get very, very tough with them. And tell them you will put them into a facility unless they cooperate. Usually that works when all else fails.

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A facility should never be used as a threat. A facility is a living choice, often made with a heavy heart, to provide a safe, needed environment for caregiving. It’s not a punishment. There were many times I was frustrated with my dad’s seeming inability to cooperate, but that was not an excuse to threaten to walk out of his life. How cruel

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At 93, having lost several loved ones, and showing signs of depression, he may feel there is little reason to keep living. There is nothing wrong if this is his attitude. Have an honest talk with him about this. This may be hard for you to accept; nevertheless, you should try. You note his mind is still sharp. Instead of focusing on his body, which is in decline, maybe you can find ways for him to do something productive with his mind during his remaining time.

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How about chair dancing with music from his favorite album?

As for the walking, set up a goal chart with a fun prize when he’s completed a significant goal. Favorite meal carried in or a fun outing, for example.

keep all your feedback positive.

if he is “naughty” don’t give him attention. (Give him and yourself a little “time out,” by focusing your attention somewhere else for a bit).

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I say this with much love and caring. Let it go, don’t argue. We want the best for them but if he doesn’t want it it’s ok. I just had to do this with my 91 year old Mom. I don’t want her last years to be me fighting with her over physical therapy. I want to remember us laughing and loving. 💕

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Well said!

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Play "his" favorite music and invite him to dance with you.

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There could be a number of reasons why Dad does not want to rehabilitate like you would want him to do so. Unless you are luckily to figure out which reason(s) it may be and can address those causes ( like depression, dementia, pain, etc.), I am afraid that you will have to leave it up to himself. If you argue it will be counterproductive and you will only hurt yourself more. Sometimes it can be the physical therapist. Maybe he does not like the person, or their approach does not work. Does he have male friend who will work with him instead? Otherwise, it will be what it is.

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You probably have no hope of getting your father to do anything he perceives as exercise. You may get him to move around a bit if you abandon the prescribed exercises and try to play games. Try getting a nerf ball and hoop and start throwing baskets yourself "just for fun." Laugh at yourself and have a good time. Then ask him if he would like to try. If he doesn't, don't push. There are other games that can be played in a wheel chair.

See if you can take him (in his chair) outside for a walk. Getting outside for a while tends to energize a person who has been inside for too long. Many of us feel this really acutely right now. Otherwise, bring up memories of places you have visited together in better times. When my mother was losing the ability to actually get out much I would sometimes take her for a drive in my car to see forests and lakes. Other times I brought photo albums or a laptop computer to her and we looked at photos from picnics and camping trips many years ago. It can restore some sense of life and belonging to remember the days when he was strong and capable. He may or may not move more after that, but at least his mind will be refreshed a bit. Mom was more willing to move a bit when she remembered better times. It may help your Dad, too.

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Observe the PT (I used to do that w my clients).
Get print out of exercises.
Don't fight.
Offer.
Encourage.
Ask PT what they suggest.
See if medication is needed or needing to be adjusted.
It is understandable he is / gets irritated.
You can only do so much. Consider your boundaries (for yourself).
Pushing or trying to 'push' doesn't work.
There is no magic wand (we all want that) - you do what you can and accept that, and acknowledge that YOU are doing what you can. Then let go.

What would you want someone to do 'with you' if you were in your Dad's shoes? It helps at (many ?) times to put our self in the other person's situation / feelings as much as possible.
Gena / Touch Matters

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At this point you should stop nagging. Its his life and his choice.

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You’ve had lots of great responses here, with great advice. I’ll just add my experience based on my dad’s recent health issues. My dad is 90. Very independent, wants to do things his own way. He was trying to walk daily but just getting weaker. One of the unfortunate things we do in our culture is push our elders to keep on living, when it may be their time to go. We had dad do about a month of PT daily after he had COVID. When the therapists told us he just wasn’t making progress, we had him assessed for hospice and he qualified. He’s been much happier since. It’s ok to let him move towards death in his own way. Everyone is different - and as children we often want to focus on recovery. Sounds like sharing the highlights of his amazing accomplishments as you have been is one way to connect with him. My dad enjoys talking about his positive life experiences as well, and basically just spending time with me. We talk walks (I push him in his wheelchair) and we chat about the grass, flowers, weather. Anything that gives him joy. Hospice helped us bring him back to his home on the lake in our state for two weeks! He really enjoyed that vacation. It’s hard to watch them decline, I know. Just three years ago my dad was driving and walking without a walker. Now he has to be hoyered from bed to chair, to wheelchair. Be kind to yourself too. You are adjusting to his new normal as well. When my dad would get rude or angry - which happened often over the last two years - there were times I simply said, “You are being hurtful and unkind. You shouldn’t speak to me or treat me this way,” and he would eventually apologize. I tried to keep in mind that his rapid decline was terribly painful and difficult for him as well. My dad also suffers from dementia which plays a factor in his emotions and responses. Hang in there! You obviously care and are there for him - that’s so important!

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Louise, Ive read your words here at just the right time in my journey with my Dad. I think he, and I, are going to breathe a little more easily now. Bless you and many thanks!

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I feel your pain and worry about my 85 yo dad who lives with me. However there are successes and it's taken time to figure. Like someone said he's from the generation that didn't exercise. He was always a slow walker, even slower now due to hip pain, but he does walk for short bits or in the store. Pushing a cart has been great as he likes to be around people and the cart keeps him stable. Family bought an inexpensive bike pedal for the floor. He won't do it on his own but I often play an exercise video for myself with him sitting next to me using the pedal. I say if I'm exercising you are too. He likes watching the video so sometimes I can convince him to move his arms up and down or boxing moves. It's not for long but he will do some. He needs lots of encouragement and I don't nag or criticize. That won't work so I always emphasize purpose and his motivation. I try to make an exercise purposeful such as we might have visitors today and you need to walk first, or I need your help in the backyard (not really but gets him out). Winter will be hard but I hope to find some new activities. Good luck!

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is there anyway you can do the exercises in the same room as him? in other words, you do them and don't say anything to him about it, but maybe he will join you later in doing them. its hard to make them do something, i know, my dad didn't believe in the exercises.....oh he did them for a couple times and after that didn't bother..........same with my mom. wishing you luck.

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We have a cranky, independent mom, just like this. She needs therapy to keep her legs strong but doesnt want and wont accept help. Last October she went to a wedding and was walking with her walker. Its now August and shes in a wheelchair because her weak legs will no longer support her. ☹️ We and the aides\nurses\therapists have all tried to kindly encourage her to no avail. We cant force her to do it and shes making choices that will affect her future. Its really hard to watch. They now want to move her to the next level Wing, not because her dementia is worse, but because thats where people who need care, with mobility, like lifts, are. 😥 Im so sorry you face this as well. All we can do is our very best, and when we know we've done that, accept the rest.

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You can't force him. It sounds like he's headed to a nursing home because assisted living can only do so much. You may want to encourage him to do his exercises to preserve his freedom. rehab cannot force him to do exercises; they will drop him and he's going to become bed ridden.

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Mostly he wants to feel he is still an independent man, not like your child. Also remember he is of the era where exercise was not a "thing". Give it a rest for awhile, and leave it to the P/T. Ask the staff to encourage him to attend a class when you're not there. Perhaps when he may be more receptive you can find a youtube exercise video that is accompanied by music he connects with. Music motivates everyone to move! When you visit, make it a habit of taking him for a short walk around the floor as a "change in scenery". That's good exercise too!

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Ahhh…the age old problem. He doesn’t want to be fixed, he doesn’t want to exercise and he wants to be in control. We want them to get better, stay active etc. it’s a losing battle so if I were you accept it. He is showing you he is in control and on top of that tired!
To me one of the hardest things was seeing the decline in my dad who was always so active and could do anything. So of course I wanted him to stay that way. I finally realized I had to give up that dream and accept reality. You need to as well. Enjoy your dad while you’re still able and don’t push him to exercise. That is a battle you won’t win so let it go.

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Oh my I feel your pain. Mom was pretty good but dad not so much. My dads brother was in VA hospital for weeks at a time. Refused to even try to stand. I was told he was tied to a pillar in desperation but eventhough I dont kmow for sure that happened I wouldnt doubt thats what it took. Dad was in VA hospital for 3 months. He was very very resistant to pt. What helped us was we would massage his atrophied legs and body. Little by little he reconnected to his body and began to try. Once discharged he even joined a senior center and would go use their exercise equipment a couple times a week. Pandemic sadly stopped that cold.

I have heard some folks use virtual reality through their wii to get their loved ones to play "golf", "bowling" or "tennis". Good luck to you.

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What's the home visit PT's view? - That person is better placed than you can possibly be to weigh up your father's physical condition, realistic scope for improvement, attitude and motivation and therefore gauge how much carrot and how much stick is likely to work best on him. What kind of co-operation does the PT say s/he is getting?

If you don't want a fight with him, don't fight - which means, mainly, zip it. It's his body and his exercise program, but it's also his level of pain or fatigue or despondency or whatever it is that's stopping him right now. You could ask him wider questions about what he's feeling and thinking, and see if that sheds any light on what's standing in his way, but don't think of it as your responsibility to get him "up and at 'em."

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Exactly right !!! Don’t make your visits all about this !! You won’t win!! Take advantage of time you have with your father to bring him special treats … walks … reminiscing and making him comfortable. It’s best you can do ! Put yourself in his shoes … you might be cranky as well
the exercise isn’t going to make much difference .

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I’m sure you care about your dad. But one thing you can start with is to stop calling him crabby. He is your father. Please don’t fight with him. Sometimes our parents are tired. You can’t make him do something that he doesn’t want to do. He can possibly be in his last days. Comfort him, be kind and make great memories of him while he’s still here. Your blessed to have him🦋

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Crabby was my Dads personality. Just got worse as he aged.

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Mom loved exercise when the cute PT guy came to the house. Once that ended, the exercise bands and such all just sat in a corner gathering dust. She never took a walk or exercised again.

PT guy said this was normal, in fact, more the norm than an elder continuing on with exercise.

We just leave her be. She'll be in a wheechair after the next big fall--and sadly, I think that will just put her in a NH. Her apt is not big enough for a wheelchair to use.

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At 93 I think he has learned the right to do as he pleases. If you have already told him the exercises will help him walk better and he doesn't care...he will eventually be in a wheelchair to help keep him from falling. And for me doing exercises to keep from being in a wheelchair would be an incentive for me.

You Dad is in his 90s. Body parts are going to start giving out. Legs are the first to go. There was a retired cop in town who walked all over. As he aged, his walks incompassed a smaller area till it was just going around the block. At 98 his legs gave out. He asked his DIL if she thought they gave out because he was 98. He lived to be 101 or 102.

No parent wants a child nagging at them. If he has a favorite aide ask her/him if he can at least get him down for the classes.

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Your response is so true. My dad decided he wasn’t going to exercise and as a result did end up falling a lot to the point he broke a prosthetic hip and femur and ended up in a wheelchair which of course was my fault. But he made the decision and nothing I could say or do would change him. They are in control.

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My dad hated PT too. One therapist figured out if he got dad to believe it was his idea he got more cooperation out of dad. But generally he was resistant.

Because he was resistant he became weaker and of course fell more often. During the last months of his life he developed heart problems and came home wanting no more active treatment. He went on hospice and when he got too weak to stay in AL he was moved to SN. Dad would ask mom why he couldn't go back to their AL apartment and she'd tell him because he wouldn't do PT to get stronger and had to stay where he was. At that point he was too weak for PT.

I'd back off from dad and leave him alone. Let him be happy not to be bugged about PT; of course if he gets worse it may make him cranky because he hurts. But you can only do so much. Its still his life.

Good luck.

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Off to get some balloons!

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It shows you care.. but the tricky things are - you can't really make other people do anything (they will do what they want) & some things are just not in your control.

1. Your question "How to get Dad to move?"

Idea #1 find what motivation works for HIM. So he WANTS to move eg walk to the garden? Or walk to the AL coffee shop for a treat?
Idea #2 find what barriers exist eg painful knees, stiffness, short of breath, low mood. Work to reduce the barriers you can.

2. Your statement "I want to prevent decline. Tell him this. Tell him you care, you want to see him as healthy & happy as is possible. Tell him you don't expect him to run around the sports oval (have a laugh!) but could he try to move a bit? Tell him the specific benefits eg increase blood & oxygen flow, reduce stiffness. Ask how he is today. Accept where he is today.

3. "I don’t want a fight". ☹️ No.

I know a family that when the parent has a health issue, she gets an earful of nagging, do this, don't do that, you MUST blah blah blah from one adult child. The other actively listens & then asks what SHE wants to do about that? Both care greatly but their approach differs widely.

I have been guilty of the I-care-a-lot-so-suggest-xyz (& probably over suggested too) but have decided to head towards the other approach.

Suggest, let them decide, back off. Just less stress all round.

All the best with your Dad.

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How to get a crabby Dad to move arms, legs (safely) while in chair? He was in hospital 3 weeks. Little rehab and I want to prevent decline.

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