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Mom moved in while I was working from home. We’re going to a hybrid schedule at work next month. What’s the best way to get my mom ready for a caregiver to come over while I’m out? She doesn’t think she needs anyone, but with her undiagnosed dementia, she has called police when she lived alone before and hallucinates her passed family members. Since she has been with me at home, she’s more relaxed but still hallucinating and a bit grumpy. She “wants to go home” to her childhood home.

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When I had caregivers come out for my grandma I told her that my friends were coming over to help us out. I noticed that she seemed to accept every one of my real friends without question before we needed help. It worked out better when she thought they were my friend. Every situation is different but I tried to make it less than what is was. Like no big deal a friend is going to stop by and help us straighten up and make you lunch.
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Have the caregiver come by a few times while you're at home. This will familiarize your mother to this person.
It will take time. It's been mentioned lower on this thread to introduce this person as a friend of yours who will be staying with her while you're at work. That will help.
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If I were you, I would consider another living situation for your mother.
You are in for extreme circumstances / exhaustion / overwhelm in caring for a person with hallucinations at home. And, it will only get worse.

* Realize you cannot talk to a person with dementia and hallucinations.
Logic doesn't compute in their brain because it cannot.

* Your mother may see and/or think this caregiver is 'out to get her' and cause her intense fear and do what she feels is necessary to protect her life.

* There is no easing a caregiver into this situation. It might work for a few hours, a day, a week - at some point, you will be overwhelmed with chaos and unmanageable behavior.

* Of course your mother doesn't think she needs anyone else. THIS IS DEMENTIA. She doesn't understand reality and doesn't want any strangers around. She will always / only want you there because she knows you and feels safe with you.

* You might tell her that this person is your sister or daughter. Let her think (if she can cognitively get it) that this is a family member.

* A care provider needs a key to the house / access somehow.

* It is possible if your mom could lock the caregv out of the house that you will need a key to keep you mom safely in her room.

* Does your mom like to dance? Tell her this is a dance teacher and she is here to give you (and her) a lesson. Be creative.

* Get the dementia diagnosed. Why hasn't this happened already (esp since she is having hallucinations)?

* You need to take care of yourself. And your mom in the best ways that serve both of you. Gena / Touch Matters

* * *
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SkyScraper: Imho, state that this proposed individual is there to assist YOU. State nada/nothing about the person being for mom.
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I had to tell my husband that the caregiver coming in is actually here for me. She is here to watch him so I can get other things taken care of. He still won't let her help him with anything, but he tolerates her being here.
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First you make sure the caretaker knows what is involved with this patient and must be strong enough to be able to deal with it. And I would notify the police you are getting a caretaker and unless YOU call them, they should ignore the call. Finally, if she does not cooperate in any way and nothing helps, you must place her somewhere. You cannot allow this abuse from her.
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Our mother called the police all the time too-an indication your mother knows at some level she's not well-anxiety and the like- but not willing to take the next rational step of getting care. That's where you come in and it's such a power struggle between the elderly parents and us when we understand what's happening but they don't. But you are right on, stay strong...
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Tell your mom the person coming in is to help YOU since you'll be having a work schedule change; that You invited/hired this person to help YOU. Your mom may chafe at having a 'stranger' in the home, but you have the right to bring help in for YOU. Be sure this caregiver understands you've needed to frame it this way with your mom; even have this person start ahead of your new work schedule so your mom sees the new person as Your employee; then the employee's activities can evolve into 'helping mom' however is appropriate. (Nobody likes to feel they need a 'babysitter' even if we do, eventually!)
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Despite all efforts to introduce the caregiver for weeks beforehand when I was there, as soon as we weren’t there we realized my MIL couldn’t remember the caregiver, and it was as though she had never seen her before.

It’s better now, but my husband (who she listens to, she doesn’t listen to me) would have to call her because she kicked the PSW’s out of the house a few times. The PSW would then call him to let him know, and he would call MIL, reminding her that “our friend was coming to help US out, not YOU.” We had to do this for a few weeks before she got into the routine.

Just make sure the PSW knows to say the same thing. It’ll go smoother.
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Mellcan Dec 2021
It's very hard...our mother locked the psw out of the house! Denial is so powerful on their part...
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Is there any way you can get a firm diagnosis? If your mom still has lucid moments maybe you can explain it all to her better that way. I had to show my dad the discharge papers from the hospital over and over again to prove he had been diagnosed with dementia which led up to the event which put him in the hospital in the first place. This was my proof so I could make him understand at times why his life was different and he could not go home and be alone anymore.
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We said she was a cleaning lady but that thwarted moving into personal cares. When the dementia diagnosis was made we were open about this was home health aide. But that took an adjustment. We did sit with my mom and put a list together on what the new person would be doing. A lot of cleaning and laundry to help us out, but also making lunch and running errands for mom. Takes a period of time but if you can have the same person come it builds trust.
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My mom lived with us when she had Alzheimer's. She also had hallucinations, and I learned that when she had them, espeically the auditory ones, the one voice she really needed to hear, was mine. She too wanted to go "home." She also would have been resistant to accept a "caregiver," so I thought if I needed someone,I'd tell my mom that a woman was coming over who was a nursing student, and she was going to interview my mom for a school project, on women who were accoutants, on women who played golf, (since my mom did both) etc. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Sometimes we have to fib a bit.
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Tell her that the caregiver is actually household help for you since mom does not believe she has a problem (anosognomia). Let her know that "the help" has duties that include helping her whenever she needs it. This might be more acceptable for her to accept.
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Be aware that mom may still call the police. My mom tried once when we first started with caregivers. Had she been able to remember how to use the phone the police would have been there and OMG that poor caregiver.

Notify the police of the situation to help the caregiver if this does happen.

Why is mom in your home? Maybe it is time for mom to be in memory care.
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I agree that having the aide come over before she starts is a good idea. Someone suggested a while back to introduce the aide as your friend who will sit with Mom while u work. Also saying the aide is there to help u is good too.
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Daughterinlaw56 Dec 2021
That is what we did when we had caregivers coming to MIL home. We introduced them as our friends, so she felt like it was not a total stranger. This was the 2nd round of caregivers. The first round of caregivers we did not do this….it was a nightmare and MIL threw them out of her house. So when we decided to try again we took the friend route.
it also helps that the caregiver is the same person, not someone different everyday which was one of the problems on the first round….consistency is key(at least as much as possible)
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If possible have the caregiver come a few times before she has to be alone with mom.
The caregiver is there to help "you" not mom. That is if mom is of the type that does not want any help...thus the help is for you not her..
First day the caregiver is there spend some time with both then "suddenly remember" you have to go get milk for dinner. Go out for an hour then come back.
During the time you are gone the caregiver can chat with mom, maybe do the dishes that you used when you all sat down for tea or coffee.
Second day the caregiver is there start the same way but then go out and stay out for longer.
They will get to know each other that way.
When you have to go to work just say "your" friend "Sally" will come over while you are gone.
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Absolutely have the caregiver come over to get to know Mom before she takes over while you're gone.
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Make sure the caregiver is experienced in interacting with someone with dementia. Many aids have no specific training. Have the caregiver overlap you presence so that she doesn't start on the day your schedule changes. It's too much for someone with dementia. If possible, have the caregiver start by doing light housekeeping and tell your mom he/she is there for YOU, not her. If your mom likes to play cards or board games or go out for walks, make sure the caregiver is given ideas and expectations of what he/she is to do while you're gone. Maybe this person can take your mom out for a scenic drive or go on errands. Sometimes aids will just sit there on their phones until they have to look up and deal with something. Don't make any assumptions about the caregiver. Give them enough to fill up the time productively.

"She wants to go home to her childhood home." This is called Sundowning and usually starts to happen in the mid- late-afternoon. She needs her mind and conversation to be redirected and distracted with activity-- a perfect time for the caregiver to take her out for a walk or drive.

I encourage you to take her to get officially diagnosed.

I hope it all goes smoothly!
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