My wife and I moved back home to take care of my folks and after mum passed 6 months after we got back, we ended up living with my dad and taking care of him. He has mobility problems, his memory is starting to go, and he is constantly having doctor appointments to go to and errands that need run that he cannot do. We knew this going in. Dad and I have not had the best relationship and I think it's due to our autism. We both have Asperger's and we both miss cues, think very differently, and have to be very careful when talking to one another. My wife acts as our interpreter and honestly, she gets tired of it. We are also expecting our first child this year and our living arrangements here, although a big house, are not ideal. We came from Colorado where my tech career was incredible, but being a tech career means I am needing to constantly studying and stay up on things if I want to stay in my salary bracket. That has been all but impossible with the constant errands and lack of good jobs here in the midwest for my skills. I've all but lost my career and my wife and I have lost our savings from contributing to our bills and expenses around here to help dad. If I still had my career, the money would be coming in no problem, but I'm finding employers really don't care if I'm taking care of my dad, in fact it seems like a red flag for them. As a Christian, there are times I am very conflicted on what we're doing here because maybe my dad cares what we've sacrificed to be here for him, but he just doesn't show it. There are days we get so frustrated because as selfish as it is, we just want our old life back. When we think of that, we feel horrible because we know we're doing the right thing being here. The thought of doing this another 5, 8, or 10 years is too much. I really want to get back to my work, but then I won't be available to run his errands and or take him to appointments and he will take that personally. He doesn't care about my career or how hard I worked for it. My wife is pregnant, and our insurance is through her job right now, so we don't want to risk that or her health taking time off to do those things. Dad will hate having to hire a ride. He shouldn't be driving but he's just bullheaded enough to try despite risking himself or others. I've read where other professionals took time off to take care of their elderly parent only to find that when they were able to comfortably return to their profession, nobody wanted them now. I don't want to be that person. We are counting on my income to cover so my wife can stay home with the baby when it comes. How do others juggle this? Sorry for my rambling, I tried explaining best I could, but I'm not great with words to begin with.
The world is under a great deluge and the eagle must attempt to save his two chicks. He grasps the first chick in his talons and takes off across the raging waters to the high trees. While crossing he says to the chick "And when I am old and weak will you alike save ME from the deluge?" "Oh, yes" answers the chick, and is immediately dropped into the raging waters. The father eagle returns to the nest and picks up his last chick and starts across the raging waters. He asks him the same question "And when I am old will you save me in this same manner". "Oh, Father......" answers the second chick "If only I could. If only I were strong enough to save everyone. But I can promise you this. I will do as you have done, and will risk my own life to save my own chicks."
This is the eaglet that the father saved.
Your obligation is to your family. Your father has had his life. He has done his duty as best he could with his limitations for the children he brought into this world. It is your turn now, both for a life and for dedicating yourself to your children.
Assist you father in finding the best placement he can afford with the assets he was able to save. Place him, visit him, bring the grandchildren to visit him.
But the sacrifice of your own life to you father's needs will sacrifice not only your own life, which is your choice, but the life of your wife, and of your children. You don't, in my own personal opinion, have any right to do that.
I sure wish you the best. None of this is easy. Men have a tendency to need to do "fix it" on situations, and this sad circumstance is something that may not have an easy fix-it. That is heartbreaking, but it is a fact of life. We have to endure, making the best decisions for ourselves and our one life, and for our families. This is my opinion. You will receive the advice of others. Only you can make the final decision.
I can tell by your words that you are a kind soul who cares about your family.
Having a baby is an exciting time in our lives. You are wise to want to prepare for your family’s future.
Your wife is with child and shouldn’t be exposed to any additional stress. Clearly she is dealing with stress when she has to be the interpreter for you and your father.
Your first responsibility is to your wife and the child that you are expecting.
Of course, you want your old lives back.
You have been extremely generous by helping him out. It’s sad that you have gone through your savings.
It’s vitally important to stay on track in your career goals. My husband is an engineer. He looks carefully at resumes before hiring someone to work on his team. Please focus on what is needed to move forward in your career.
I understand that you want your dad to receive the proper care. This doesn’t mean that you and your wife have to provide the ‘hands on’ care for him.
You can be an advocate for him and oversee that others care for his needs.
Contact Council on Aging in his area. They will do a needs assessment. Also, contact dad’s doctor and ask to speak with a social worker to see what they recommend for your dad’s needs.
Return to Colorado and live your own life with your wife and new baby. Trust that everything will fall into place.
Best wishes to you and your family.
"You can be an advocate for him and oversee that others care for his needs".
But let's think about that. Honoring your father means doing what is best for him. But it also means doing the things he taught you to do (I would assume) , being a good husband and father, taking care of your health, being a good example.
You can honor your father - without providing his hands on care 24 hours a day. You do not have to sacrifice your life and the lives of your wife and children in order to honor your father.
To honor means to see great value in someone and have a great deal of respect or esteem for them. It does not mean that you devalue the lives of others for them. It does not mean that you devalue your own life for them.
I think at some point a lot us come to a crossroads in caregiving. Are we adding value to their lives that is worth the amount that we are sacrificing from our own? And when you add a spouse and children to the mix, that compounds it. The answer to that becomes clear when you think about how you describe your time with them.
You are not describing your time with your father as joyful. You describe it as conflicted and stressful. You describe sacrifice. You have fear about your future and how you are going to provide for your wife and child. You fear that he is unable to see the pressure he is putting on you and your wife because he is focused on his own needs.
You have a baby coming. You know what that is going to do to your lives - at least at some level. You never REALLY know until the baby is here. But I want to give you some idea. You mention that both you and your father are on the Autism spectrum. My youngest daughter is as well. Under most circumstances a lot of people might never even know because she is so good at masking and coping in public. But she has her moments where she is overstimulated and needs space, she has times where she melts down, she has her triggers like loud noises and environmental things that impact her ability to cope at all.
My point here - is that you have a household with two individuals on the Autism spectrum - and a new baby arriving. One of those individuals is already higher "maintenance" if you will, due to his ever increasing needs as he ages. You don't mention if he has any triggers or not, but I'm going to go out on limb and say you probably haven't had the opportunity to test a crying baby at 2am in the morning - or both you and your wife not being able to meet his needs because you are both seeing to a baby's needs. You mention that your wife tends to play interpreter because you and your father tend to struggle sometimes with your communication and I totally understand that. But a new baby can test any relationship. It may get more difficult to interact with each other and he may even potentially feel resentful of the new baby (and not even really realize it) or his stress levels could go up because of the change in schedule or environment. (and honestly so could yours).
I think you are better with words than you realize. You are worried. It is understandable. It may be time to consider other options for dad and find your growing little family your own home. It is not dishonoring your father to want your own life. It is protecting all of you to have some separation of duties so that you can preserve your family and your relationship with your father.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/daughter-betrayal-care-and-feeding-advice.html
Babies are life changers. Your lives, your relationship & did anyone mention sleep?
These changes take you from being a couple to being a family. Wonderful. But also stressful.
You have a caring nature to have taken your Dad in.
Q1 was a time limit discussed?
Face the fact that sooner or later James will need to go somewhere else – probably to AL now, perhaps to a small ‘group home’ if you are lucky enough to find one and he can sort out his finances. James needs to make his own life work as well as possible, starting ASAP while he can still adjust.
You tried what you thought was the best course of action, and it isn’t working. You are allowed to admit that it was a mistake. So change NOW, not later. Sooner works better in all ways.
Save your wife, your job, your baby and your future. Don’t just think – ‘it’s a stretch but we can manage for now’. ‘Later’ will make everything worse when you find you can’t cope.
Move back to Colorado, resume your career, and invite your father to sell his house and move to suitable, supported accommodation near you. His choice.
It is not selfish to want your life back. It is selfish of elderly parents to think that their children owe them everything they want, whenever they want it, without regard for the long term consequences. Like poverty from starting over in the workforce after a prolonged absence. Alienation from your (future) children as caregiving becomes more and more demanding and you have nothing left for them.
We all know we’re either going to die young or grow old. Ignoring our decline, physical or cognitive (or both), isn’t going to stop it. The responsibility to change lifestyles lies with your father, not you. You are not responsible for the fact that he is growing old and less capable.
TELL him (don’t ask him if it’s ok) you wish to move back to Colorado and give him the choice of downsizing/assisted living there or here. Give him a hard deadline. It’s not easy but it’ll only get worse.
My mother (98) used to scream at me for making her old, tired, etc, but we all know I didn’t. Neither you nor I can stop the passage of time for our parents.
I’ll say it again: You cannot keep him happy. Focus on keeping him SAFE. Even if he doesn’t like it. Your life has value and you are entitled to live it.
"As a Christian, there are times I am very conflicted on what we're doing here because maybe my dad cares what we've sacrificed to be here for him, but he just doesn't show it".
That reads to me like you would like recognition for your sacrifice. Yes/No?
But waiting for someone to say thankyou may never happen. Due to pride/lack of insight/stubbornness? Or his social skill level/personality?
I hardly ever got a thankyou for all I did for my LO. I did what I did because I felt it was right at the time. No regrets. But sure, a thankyou would have been nice!
So I'll say it to you - Thankyou for being such a wonderful support to your Father in his time of grief & adjustment. You gave him a wonderful GIFT.
My guess is you would have done this - thanks or no thanks, based on your values. Right? So No to regrets.
But Yes to re-assess.
The NEXT GIFT may be to help Dad find the accomodation he needs going forward. Same town or move to your area, independent apartment or assisted living.
What's that quote about *teaching someone to fish, rather than feeding them fish?"
Show Dad what his new solutions could be, rather than BE his solutuon.
Let him have the dignity to choose for himself.
Old age & new babies bring changes. Change can be scary. But when we push through fear, we can make those changes & thrive again.
Instead of caregiving for dad, start lining up the help he needs ASAP. He doesn't have to like it and he won't. That's OK. It's about what he needs not what he wants.
Stop spending your money on your dad's bills. You can't recoup the money you've thrown down that hole, but your dad should not be living beyond his means. If your dad owns a house, it may be time to sell so that his money can be used for a more appropriate setting for him - maybe assisted living?
You, your wife and your baby must be your priorities.
Best of luck.