My mom calls me acting depressed and asking about my next visit. Yet when I talk to the nurses they say she has a small group of friends she goes to activities with and seems to be fitting in well. They all love my mom because she is "such a sweet person." Mom has Alzheimer's so her memory is poor and she has a long history of emotional manipulation to get you to do what she expects. I really want to believe the nursing reports, but would feel terrible if mom really was feeling depressed. I've asked for a psychological screening although she is already on an anti-depressant. She has only been in memory care a month so I know she is still probably adjusting to the new situation.
I have always been the one stepping in to take care of mom all my life because my father was an alcoholic so mom relied on me for support for as long as I can remember. This whole situation just breaks my heart and I feel like so much of this is completely out of my control. That out of control feeling triggers all that childhood fear from when I was growing up. I am in counseling to deal with all the emotions of being a caregiver, but still feel overwhelmed at times.
Has anyone else out there experienced this? Any advice?
Don't be a helicopter child anymore than a helicopter parent. Let her get settled and accustomed to her surroundings. I think the psych evaluation is premature, too. Don't be a fixer.
I am 80. The end of our lives simply isn't a "happy all the time" situation at best. We are facing down loss after loss and the best we have coming is listening to others our age discuss THEIR own losses, right?
Don't expect to make everything "all nice." You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. I would bet you aren't being lied to about your Mom's adjustment. It's just when she sees you she feels free to unload the "worst of it"..
You say that this is rather a norm for your Mom as well; she knows how to get you there for visits, and she does it.
If Mom expresses that she isn't happy let her know you are sorry about that; listen to her; tell her you hope it gets better for her; ask her who is her favorite there. Ask her about a friend. Your Mom is showing her best face now to those who work with her, and they love her; she has to have a place to show her "this is hard" face as well. Try not to pick up the luggage she sets at your feet.
This end of life thing is to be enduring, and all that malarky about how wonderful it is? We all gave up those notions decades ago!
You are kind and loving. Just be honest and rational with yourself that there is no perfection in the end game.
You cannot control your mother's life, this is a pattern you have gotten yourself into, trying to be the savior, sorry, you do not have that power.
Why wouldn't you believe the nurses reports? Maybe because then you have nothing to worry about and that makes you feel like you have lost control?
I would continue the counseling; this is a deep rooted problem that will take much time and effort to overcome.
Give this time, let her acclimate, back off, give it all some breathing room.
I video chat daily. I ask what she wants or needs and tell her when I will bring it. I also ask about her friends and what she does each day (she can't tell me).
Mom doesn't remember those calls but she knows that I do call. She almost always knows who I am and my name. That is the best we can do.
Everyone please remember that as parents the job isn't to always make your kids happy. It's to keep them safe and healthy. Same thing now with roles reversed. When the stress is too much, excuse yourself and get on with the rest of your life.
Now she has an independent living cottage two hours from me. She chose to move there to be closer to me. I have had to arrange for various types of assistance such as housekeeping and a physical therapist who comes to her house. A friend of mine now goes up for about three days a week to stay with her since I can’t because she doesn’t like two of my dogs. This week I will be interviewing a caretaker that I hope will check on her the days no one else is there. I go up at least once a week but usually more and have witnessed her interactions with each of these people so I know she enjoys their company and all the attention she gets. She still calls and talks about how lonely she is. Her complaints when she calls are based on that specific moment, not the overview of how she feels. I have had to learn that and let it go in one ear and out the other since I know that the moment one of her helpers shows up her mood will change. I have always been the one she trusts to vent to. Now I think her complaints are redirected frustrations about not being able to do the activities she used to do. There was also a large helping of trying to guilt me into coming up more as others have suggested but she has gotten better about that with each helper I have found for her. As for her complaints, I just let her vent and get her frustrations out. I think she is learning that I don’t respond to the constant emotional manipulation now since I know she has people around her. She still asks when I’m coming to see her next and says I haven’t been up for a while even if I was just up the day before but that’s is her memory loss and no longer used for manipulation. She has been in the community where she is now for over a year and it has been a gradual adjustment for her. She isn’t quite ready for AL or MC though I think she will actually be happier when that time comes because she will have people around more. I know I will always be the one she vents to. It is too bad that by being their most trusted sounding boards they share their negative feelings with us much of the time.
She also moved to this facility after one for a medical need prior to which she was living in your home. She is used to seeing you every day, good or bad, it’s been part of her routine, part of her grounding and I imagine if you think about it she frequently seemed depressed or wanted to know how long you would be gone if you went out prior to her hospitalization. When she was in rehab perhaps you did visit more or perhaps it was the same thing but she likely needs to work through her focus of stability being seeing you and adapt to it simply knowing you are only a call away and you aren’t going anywhere. Her constantly asking when you will come visit may not charge too meaning you will have to adapt to simply answering the question, “I’m coming on Tuesday Mom” and leaving it at that. I think this attachment thing is why facilities often suggest family not visit for a couple weeks or more giving the new resident an opportunity to adjust to the new norm and transfer some of that attachment. There is security in routine but as we can’t remember the routine it must make that adaptation harder. There is also the simple answer that “when are you coming to visit” is a common social nicety many of us picked up as young children and is simply that, not really a need question if that makes any sense.
She can enjoy her new friends and miss her daughter, look forward to your visits at the same time.
I went and hid around corners to see for myself and my dad was doing WAAAAAYYYYYY better then he would have had me believe he was doing.
I recommend going and being a fly on the wall, don't let her or anyone that might acknowledge your presence see you, then you will know for yourself how she is really doing.
Remember, nobody is happy every moment, so she will never be either, just life.
The only thing you can ensure for her is that she is safe, fed and well cared for. Happiness is something that comes from within and it sounds like she has always been dysfunctional. A mom should have been the buffer between her drunken choice and the children she created with it, not you. Sorry if that feels sharp I just get so sad reading yet another story of a mom placing herself as a burden on her young children that continues until death, it's wrong of every parent that does that.
Boundaries are the only way you will get through this. Ask your counselor for help with those. They will help you so very much.
ask if you can have a video chat camera in her room. and/or a Wyse camera.
Good Luck
https://adultchildren.org/
Alcoholism affects everyone in the family, it even affects how the partner/spouse raises his/her children.
ALSO, PLEASE GET HER OFF THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS! ...Antidepressant medications, such as Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, Zoloft, etc., are associated with a twofold increase in the odds of developing some form of cognitive impairment, such as dementia, including Alzheimer’s. There are natural alternatives like Bergamot or Lavender essential oils, magnesium chloride, etc.
Do they also have counseling and rehab for family caregivers who mentally fall apart and physically have heart attacks and strokes when worn out with the burden of caregiving?
I’ve been a family caregiver for four different individuals. I can assure you that I wouldn’t want anything to do with Iris. Elderly sick people need professional care at a certain point.
As far as lavender and bergamot, what I’ve experienced with my sick LOs has required major drugs such as the ones you mention to avoid. Lavender and bergamot would not have touched dementia psychosis, anger, agitation and the like. They wouldn’t have taken the place of morphine. Have you ever been around a cancer patient who chewed off a lip because of the pain? Pansy dust wouldn’t help much.
This advice is so off-base that I want to scream. Aauuughhh!
Please pass the Paxil.
My FIL says his “independence has been taken away”,
I tell him ….I’m sorry but his age and condition did that , not his son and I. I used to tell my mother the same thing and that I didn’t make her old.
Maybe you could try that when you get blamed for taking her “ freedom “.
We have to repeat it often , but at least it stops it in the moment and then redirect the conversation to something else .
Good luck .
Show up unexpectedly to see yourself how she's doing and interacting. My mother was the face of pure misery to me while in MC, but all sweetness and life to the staff, even blowing them kisses. How cute, huh? 😑
Complaining is reserved for their loved ones so they can put on the Ritz and look sweet to staff while pretending to be long suffering, bored and tragically sad in spite of lots going on and socialization opportunities left and right.
Being conditioned for life with manipulative FOG techniques means you have to recognize the games for what they are, and sidestep them.
You can't fix dementia so while it's heartbreaking to witness, be glad mom has the opportunity to be cared for in MC and you can leave when the histrionics ramp up. No use giving yourself a nervous breakdown when mom is being properly cared for. We all have health issues in old age to contend with and no free pass to make our family's lives miserable bc of them.
Good luck to you
Good luck to you.
Assuming that she went to the MC without significant agitation, I suggest that you do an unannounced visit and see for yourself. You can get a schedule of activities from the head nurse and fact-check it with your Mom before showing up.
Words like sweet and cooperative are relative to the others in the MC unit. What you view as sweet and cooperative, might be different than what they view as sweet and cooperative.
...and last word: be prepared for mental manipulation from your Mom. Plan your exit strategy (I go just before meals.)