Fawnby Asked January 2023
Do you send bulletins to keep family informed about every serious health issue?
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I receive frequent emails from relatives about in-laws’ health decline. Lately one has been diagnosed with dementia and another is clearly on the way to that diagnosis. Last year someone had a kidney hospitalization about which everyone was informed, complete with info about lab reports. With these folks, almost every doctor visit produces an update for family and friends and requests for prayer. Sometimes it's downright depressing. My husband and I prefer to keep our medical issues private, but what do you do? Do you feel the need to inform family of every little thing? Just curious about how others handle it.
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If you say anything you run the risk of offending them and being cut off if there is an important development.
people are different.
I find that no one cares about what I would share so I stopped. And my family doesn’t share anything when someone is ill.
it is nice to send a card when possible if you hear about it
I personally don't do a mass notification about mom. I did not tell her brothers that we had moved her to a new memory care facility. I had my hands full with the move and still working full time. I knew they didn't call her or visit her because if they had tried, they would know she is no longer there. If she were to have a stroke or fall and break a leg, I would let them know. Other than that...
Not too long ago, she was upset at me because I don't encourage her all that much or praise her for the very minor things she can do and no one reaches out to see how she's doing. If she stopped telling people she was getting better and stronger and told them how things really are, she'd have more people reaching out.
When you tell people everything's fine, don't be surprised when they assume you're better and back to normal and aren't checking in on you often.
I find that when I write down something, I am likely to re-review what was done and possibly get a "fresh" look at the situation. There has been more than one occasion that while writing out the details to someone, I noticed a pattern or a reminder which then caused me to take additional action.
However, I don't have anyone who is interested, so my writing is stored on my computer. My daughter told me that I needed to keep track of it all out because at some time in the future, she might be needing it for me.
As others have pointed out, not having these updates can sometimes invite others to do the coulda/shoulda/woulda ... otherwise known as giving unwanted advice and criticisms.
I personally have no issue with getting too many emails. I can easily file and scroll past. I'd much rather let them write to their hearts content, rather than unload on me face-to-face at a family gathering. On top of that, maybe there is something in there that might be of use at a later time.
File (or trash) and scroll....
For regular check up/non urgent doctor visits, don't go into detail with folks that they have an appt. Have you thought about asking one or more of them to assist with dr appt travels? If anyone agrees, tell them on the way home -- would you cc everyone on our mail chain and give an update about today's appt.
You and hubby like medical issues to be private and that's your choice. Your in-laws, evidently, have other family outside your husband. Those relatives should be aware of decline, illness, etc....as courtesy and with kindness.
On the other hand, my very private SIL was hospitalized for a week last fall with congestive heart failure. We never knew anything until she returned home & called to tell us. Two weeks ago she had a stroke & was hospitalized six days before her daughters notified us anything was wrong. We were able to see her twice before she passed away on day 9. They were honoring her wishes, but most of the rest of the family felt that we should have been notified sooner with something that serious. She had been more alert the first few days, but by the time we were notified, she was barely conscious.
I learned early on which of my husband’s five kids actually wanted to know about his health issues and which ones needed to know as little as possible. All live within a few miles of us. After his Alzheimer’s diagnosis over a year ago, two daughters (the oldest & the youngest) checked out saying they had gone thru it with their mother and they couldn’t do it a second time, but of course went straight to Facebook to post about their “poor Daddy”. Two other daughters keep in touch with me from time to time, but don’t visit. His son stops in regularly & offers to take him places so I get some time to myself. A few months ago, out of the blue, the oldest daughter called to take him to breakfast. They were gone about 30 minutes. She dropped him off at home & left (I found him wandering out in the yard). Within an hour of dropping him off, she had posted a picture of him on Facebook with a story of how her “poor daddy is losing his mind”, and garnered dozens of sympathetic comments, mostly from complete strangers to us. My husband can still scroll Facebook, saw her post (I’m blocked) and was mortified and furious AT ME over the post. But he didn’t want to confront her or have me step in. Some people just want to milk any drama they can from family issues.
Notifying those who should know and want to be kept apprised of the situation is fair. Those who aren’t really interested or aren’t close friends or family don’t need to be kept informed of every little thing. Those who are only in it for the drama need to be kept at bay. If my husband were hospitalized & appeared to be close to death, I’d tell his son & the middle girls. They could share it with the oldest & youngest if they felt it was necessary. Having purposely chosen to check out of his life, I don’t feel it warrants any effort on my part to let them know anything.
When I assumed driving my wonderful mid 80s M-I-L to doctor appointments and to the ER, I decided to make sure all her children (they lived many states away) were on the same page. After each doctor visit for an illness, I would send a short e-mail summery of the problem and treatment plan, no labs unless one requested them. When M-I-L told me that she did not want aggressive care, I told them what she said and "please feel free to discuss it with her on their next call." When she need emergency surgery, I made sure she got to talk to each of them briefly.
My brother-in-law and sisters-in-law were appreciative of being informed. M-I-L got forgetful and was hard of hearing and so could not accurately relate what was going on to them. As her health declined everyone knew her desires and the medical problems leading to her current condition. When the time came to sign papers for end-of-life care, there was no family disputes, just time for them to talk to their mom about their love for her. Some even had time to arrange flights to visit her.
So done properly, informing those who need to help make decisions, worked well for our family.
Personally, I do not feel obligated to publish wellness reports to relatives whom we never see or visit.
They say its a two way street in fact its a one way they hold that information so we don't know. Sucks. BIL has dementia and is in a nursing home. They think I should share the finances with them when in fact I can't because of government regulations.
Prayers
He wouldn't answer texts, phone calls and often if I went to the house to put eyes on mom, he wouldn't let me in.
We had more than one family mtg where he promised he'd keep us all up tp date with a short monthly email. It never happened, not once in 18 years.
Mom passed in Aug and luckily, I had seen her just a few days before she died. I KNEW she was slipping and was becoming very tired and forgetful--had I not gone to see her when I did, I know her death would have really caught me off guard.
There's a fine line between sharing every blood pressure reading, blood sugar test, amount of insulin she needed, change of meds..stuff like that, no need to share. BUT the overall status of her well being was not shared and he'd complain that 'nobody helps'...but then made it impossible TO help.
I have a very quiet mystery with its lack of family notification (just the opposite of too many messages) to share. I visit my father's grave often. Back in 1956, he divorced my mother after six children, I the youngest, and remarried about 5 years afterwards and fathered another son by my stepmother. One day in late 2020, I discovered my late step mother's name added to Dad's headstone. She had many medical problems and passed away in Alabama near where her son, my half-brother and his wife lives.
I notified family up in OR to check in with half-brother and his wife in Alabama if they arrived ssfe because of the toronados. They are apparently OK.
Just learned this weekend that niether my family up in OR, nor anyone else, was notified of our step-mother's death, because half-brother's wife thinks that Dad's first six children will seek his inheritance that had once been his own mother's (my paternal grandma's). Who is this half-brother's wife, a Gatekeeper? I would never seek money, nor am I'm aware that will anyone else will, just to live send love connection with our very fractured family. I am very alone with prayers and love.
If it's the "circle" close family I just send a text on a thread to my siblings.
The rule is whoever breaks the thread (basically answers off of the continuous text) since baby sister pulled this stunt when Mom was in hospital during the Pandemic, then the thread is done.
I agree, medical stuff is ok on the surface in the supermarket. Mom had a fall but she's back home and on the mend. That's it, end of story. No blood work details, patient continues to thrive or any other TMI--too much information.
When the ladies from the prayer chain call we just request prayers for healing. Even the Churches do not "advertise" health issues but keep it generic.
I think people get so upset that when a loved one has an emergency basically in the early you will tell anyone who will listen because your routine has been thrown off and you don't know what you are dealing with.
As time goes on and the sickness progresses there's an acceptance where you fill in your close circle of friends, prayer chain and try not to let it consume your entire life.
Amen...
The other good thing about CaringBridge is that the people who are invited to read the site get email/text notifications when I post an update, and I get notified when new comments get posted.