A 19 year old neighbor has decided she knows best for him?! I don’t know this person, have met her once. She is very brazen & I don’t know if her motives are good or bad. It really doesn’t matter 2 me, I just want my husband safe from possible predators
& I have a very bad feeling about her.
Is anyone his PoA or legal guardian?
Were you present when she took him? Is he back at home now?
Is it possible he "consented" and she is not aware of his illness? Is it possible he gave her some story and she was just doing what he asked her to do?
Since you are having your own health issues, is it possible the neighbor felt he was in danger or being neglected? Has APS ever visited you?
If your husband has an actual medical diagnosis for his ALZ (since this is "proof" that he is a vulnerable adult) and this women took him out without perrmission I would call 911 to report this to the police. And then call social services to start some in-home help with his caregiving (although it won't be full-time or all help he needs, it will be better than nothing).
I read your profile. Time to place your husband you can't take care of him any longer not with the health problem you have. In the meantime put some baby protectors on your doors. If round knobs, there are safety covers that just go around and around. Only you know how to work them. Some put key dead bolts on the inside. Problem is they are a fire safety problem. My cousin did this for my Uncle but someone was with him 24/7.
You need to see an elder attorney to have any assets u have split. Your husbands split goes towards his care and and you apply for Medicaid a 90 days or so before its gone. Once on Medicaid you are the Community spouse and remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of the monthly income of SS and any pension. I am just giving u the basics, an Elder Lawyer can explain further.
You really don't need this stress. If this 19 yr old lives with her parents, I may have a talk with them. Say that the 19 yr old may have good intentions, but your husband suffers from 2 Dementias and there is no way a 19 yr old understands what is involved with that. That you would appreciate that she just stay away because she stresses u out. Or tell her that. If she continues to bother you, call the police and ask if an officer can please speak with her about you not wanting her around. If she continues after that, you may need a restraining order. It does not matter if she she thinks she is doing a good thing, you do not want her around. That is your right.
Please tell us more about when this unknown woman began to enter the premises of your home against your wishes.
Ask other neighbors what they know about her. You could also do an internet search about previous crimes or associations. After you have more information, you'll know more about what you're dealing with.
Some of us cultivate that ability some of us ignore it.
But when you get a gut feeling that something is not right you have to err on the side of caution.
If she comes over again you can either tell her to leave the property. If she refuses you can call the police. If you want to take it further you can get a restraining order.
OR
If you want to know if she has good intention get to know her a bit. (talk outside do not invite her in)
But under no circumstances should she be allowed to take your husband anywhere without your permission. YOUR permission, not your husbands.
(side note here unless she is fully insured she should not be transporting him with or without your permission)
By the way at the start of your question you say (not family) even family should not take your husband out without your permission. YOU are responsible for your husbands safety and well being. YOU are the one that decides who he goes with and when. It may well get to the point where trying to take him out can be dangerous. And the person talking him needs to know. I have heard more stories where the person with dementia has grabbed the steering wheel or opened the car door or one of the members of my Support Group her husband grabbed her and tried to pull her away from the steering wheel.
The person with dementia should be in the back seat on the passenger side so they can not reach the driver, the steering wheel and child locks should be activated so they can not open the door.
If she has already done this in the past, where were you that you didn't stop it then? Or if it's just a hypothetical question you're asking, again trust your instincts.
According to your profile, you are having trouble providing care for your husband. It is more than a one person job. I think you should look into adding some other caregivers to your world. Get a recommendation for a local agency and get some helpers in ASAP to give you some relief. Your other option is to do something like move into assisted living. You will both get some help there. My mom is in AL and it's a good thing.
Maybe just inform her it is dangerous for many reasons to take your husband out. Think of every possibility like him getting lost, having accident etc.
Please look into placing him in a facility. He will then be safe and you won’t have to worry.
Maybe you could live in the assisted living facility that you chose for your husband since your health is declining and you can remain together.
How old are you and your husband. You don’t list your ages in your profile.
You say that your husband is wandering and has hallucinations. My mother was doing this and her doctor prescribed Seroquel. Her wandering ceased. Please speak with his doctor to see if meds can help him.
If a neighbor sees an elderly man wandering about, it is perfectly reasonable for them to be concerned about his wellbeing.
I have no idea what this young woman’s intentions are, so I won’t judge her actions. As a general rule though, we can’t trust people that we don’t know, so of course, you should protect your husband from any possible harm.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
I was thinking I needed to see an attorney. So I will do that next. Thanks for that advice. I did have the bank accounts in his name only changed to joint accounts today. I’ve taken his car keys so he can’t drive. The child locks on the doors is a very good suggestion. I’ll look into that.
All of this is still new to me. I’m learning as I go a long but having input from people that have been there helps. My sole concern is to make his life the best it can be while he is still aware. I know the day will come when he no longer knows me but I try not to think about that now. He is in the between state of knowing something is wrong with him but not understanding and resenting me for telling him not to go out @ night, etc. and as he says “ treating him like a child”. I can handle that, it’s for his own good so he will have to resent me.
Thanks again, I feel much better having people to communicate with that truly understand. I’m praying for all of us in our shared situation.
Also, sometimes people with ALZ do very inappropriate physical things with people and she should not put herself in this position. She is then warned. After this, it's on her and you will call the cops.