As guardian of a parent with mental issues and limited resources, knowing what you know now, would you choose guardianship or state control?

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As guardian of a parent with mental issues and limited resources, knowing what you know now, would you choose guardianship or state control?

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Hello Caregivers, like many here, my aging mother is declining and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease - delusions. She refused to get her business in order and her home was condemned. We are based in Arkansas and Medicaid doesn't cover memory care or dementia wards. We both have limited resources, I am spending monies from my retirement to house her in a hotel until we can figure out next steps. She doesn't believe she needs help and will be combative every step of the way should I pursue guardianship. Legal council seems to think guardianship is the right step, however, there appear to be coverage gaps, the wear and tear as a guardian and in the relationship with a parent like mine.

Knowing what you know now, would you pursue guardianship again? If so, why and why not?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Elder Law Guardianship New to Caregiving Paying for Care

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State control from what you’ve described would be the best choice by far.

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In this case, with your mother being the way she is (uncooperative, deluded, combative), I'd choose whatever caused me less responsibility for her. That includes money. You're using your retirement resources that you will eventually need for yourself. That is a major no-no.

I'm so sorry it has come down to this for you, but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.

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You know, I love my mother so very, very much. She has dementia, she's immobile, she needs total care, and I am her legal guardian. And if I could do it all over again, I would! I read through these posts, and at times, I feel that, perhaps, I may be very different from the masses. Perhaps, I'm one of the lucky ones. I haven't worked for the past three years, so I can oversee her affairs and care for her. My husband and I have simply adjusted to one income for the time being. I'm tired. I have stress. I am doing my best to focus on self-care. But my mother has always been there for me. She's never left me or abandoned me, and I will NEVER leave her. I've never questioned my decision to become her guardian. I'm honored to serve her and give her a return on the investment she has made in my life. Mental issues, limited resources, no resources? I would deal with it all for her. I'm one of six children, and I'll carry her alone... if that's what it takes.

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Please let us know how you feel about it in three years or so. You may still be in the honeymoon period now, but I certainly wish you luck!

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Hi, in my situation (state of WI) the only way I was able to have my dad placed in memory care was by the state granting me guardianship. I had POA already, but by the time it got so bad I was unable to keep him living with us (violent and refused to stay with me, thought he could drive, risk to himself and others) adult protective services petitioned the court to grant me guardianship.
It is all extremely stressful. After going through the whole court process it really never ends. Each year I must file an inventory of his assets and I am responsible for all his medical and financial needs. I have one sibling in active addiction, so adding in emotional baggage, previous abuse, etc. there are many factors to consider. Bottom line, I wish I wasn't the only person responsible.

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I'm curious - maybe someone here can help to answer this - couldn't you just get medical POA, or be her authorized medical representative, without having to be her guardian? And request Adult Protective Services evaluate the situation and provide guidance. You should be able to get a meeting with a social worker, or case manager from Medicaid who can give you some options for care. They should at least cover a skilled nursing facility, if that would be appropriate for her needs.
If you are the authorized medical representative, you can have some control in the decision making to provide for her care needs.
Good luck on this journey.

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POA has to have been proactively chosen by the individual, who then must have the documents legally drawn up. Once they are no longer mentally competent they can not enter into a legal agreement.

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Kella13: Never use your own financials for your mother's care. Ergo, what will happen when YOU retire and you've already dipped into your funds?

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Hello All,

I am so grateful for this particular forum, because I too am caring for a loved one (my grandmother) who is 90 and I am 43. She has dementia, and it has definitely been a roller coaster ride this year. I have had many days where I have cried to myself in my bedroom, she lost (foreclosure) her home in 2022; and went through a couple relatives home before landing here at my place. No one could cope with her behaviors, she was a very stubborn person in her healthy years this disease just amplifies their behaviors/suppressed thoughts. She doesn't like to bath, doesn't like instruction, it's been so very hard. :(

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Just a reaction here but its appalling that Medicare and Medcaid don’t help some people when they need it most.

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The point is that they help those who ARE in need. If you have too many assets, the they have to be Miller Trust-ed if that's possible in your state, or they have to go to care. Medicaid can still kick in after the month income has gone, such as it is, to the facility. When you say Medicare and Medicaid then you really are saying "US". It is taxpayers who pay, Fiber.

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When guardianship is applied for, the court sends her a notice of appearance with a court date. If she is not all there mentally, she will not know how to make an appearance and you should not help her if she asks. Her failure to appear becomes telling. That is if you want to apply for guardianship. Like others have said, stop using your funds. However if you go for guardianship then once completed, her funds pay for legal expenses

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I just went through the guardianship process. My mom was exactly as you are describing. Combative, accusatory, resistant every step of the way. She lived with me and my son until about 2 months ago. It was a 6 month process for us. I was treated awful by the lawyer appointed for my mom. All the while spending thousands of dollars of my own money. It was emotionally and physically draining on top of trying to take care of my mom alone. She’s finally in memory care, but has maybe a year of funds so I must immediately start Medicaid planning. I was pushed to seek guardianship by bureau of elder services. It cost me $17, 000 of my own money. We were at a breaking point, so I had no choice. The responsibility really begins when you finally get the guardianship. I think I would allow the state to appoint someone else if I had a choice. But you never know how well they will advocate for your loved one. Be aware that appointed guardians also need to get paid. There’s pros and cons either way. Good luck.

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Once you receive guardianship, you must keep all your receipts and can charge your Mom for the cost you occurred in doing so. Just make sure you keep all receipts and log or journal to document. That way when she runs out of money and Medicare does an audit on funds there will be no questions as to where her funds went.

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First she needs medication to help her with her moods. Risperdale would help her to be less aggressive. Does she have Medicare? Does she have a primary care doctor?

Contact you local Department of Social Services for Adult Casemanagement and Office of the Aging in your area. It is easier for you to get Power of Attorney, Living Will, and Health Care Power of Attorney. You can access these forms through the Altzimers Association. Or print them off yourself, and have the forms noterized.

Does she have any income?

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Since she is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she, of course, 'doesn't believe she needs help ... '

If I were in your situation, I would make other housing arrangements immediately (stop paying for a hotel) - and does she have the ability to 'come and go' in this hotel as she wishes? with Alzheimer's ? This doesn't make any sense to me.

I would recommend you do what is easiest and least costly for YOU.
If she loses all her resources, won't she be eligible for a nursing home paid through Medi-Caid? I don't know these specifics although you need to hire / work with someone who knows the 'ins and outs' of care when a person is destitute or close to it - in your STATE.

Never ever lose your own financial resources. This isn't cruel, it is more so common sense and (for) self-protection. You will need your own financial resources for yourself at some point.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Please don’t use your retirement funds to help your mother. You’ll need that money for yourself.

I wouldn’t pursue guardianship if I were you. That’s a huge responsibility, and since mom’s caused so many problems, you can predict that she’ll cause many more. You aren’t responsible for the way she is - and you would do well to let someone else take over.

I’m very sorry for this situation. I hope you can disconnect from her and move on. You’ve done as much as you could.

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Disconnect. wow. so that is what people do when a loved one is in terrible straights.
Yes take care of yourself but abandonment is something else

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So very sorry you are dealing with this, hugs.

All of this is so very hard when a loved one (LO) ends up in this place. It is extremely difficult to work through this, w/o proper help. And you obviously care about her, want to help her and have stepped in using your own "retirement funds" to place her in a hotel. Sadly, this IMHO will require the State to take over.

If she is not safe, adult protective services (APS) can step in and start the State guardianship process. There are lots of differences across States/localities; but generally APS can do a temporary placement (even in a hospital) while a court appointment attorney will pursue State Guardianship. This means, the State will basically hire an attorney (State pays) and the attorney will take over on what is necessary: selling any assets (if there are any); getting access to all the bank, financial, retirement accounts (if there are any) and, then pursuing the proper placement. Could be to a skilled nursing facility or other facility your State Medicaid program covers.

The State and her court-appointed legal guardian -- not you -- will be responsible for a safe placement and get everything in order. You can then concentrate on being her daughter rather than her "keeper" if you get what I mean.

Save your retirement funds for YOUR retirement. Sounds harsh, but stop paying the hotel, resign as her POA, and then call APS...

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Not necessarily true. Some States cut all ties to the family and forbid them to visit and don't even tell family when their loved one passes away.

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Thank you all for weighing in and sharing your experiences. I am better prepared to make my decision on the next step due to your willingness to pass along your guidance and for that, I am most grateful. Wishing you and your loved ones a happy holiday season.

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Thanks for letting us know anything we might have said has helped you think this out, Kella. I hope you will update us and thanks for responding; so few do that.

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Well both of my parents are gone and I had much love for both and vice versa so it's hard to say.
I have my aunt who has dementia and she's very obstinate. I had been told to think about obtaining guardianship, but no. I resigned my POA and I don't think she's chosen anyone else so I would prefer the state take over. Her neighbor told me to try to avoid that but being far away from her and not to mention the additional stress, I think it's best.

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DH got GS of his mother. Yes, we would do it again. Even completed the Medicaid process for her to be in facility care. I will do it for my own mom if it becomes necessary.

BUT that doesn't mean I would recommend it for anyone else! The responsibilities, emotional stresses, and lasting financial repercussions have continued even after her death. Only an individual can decide what is right for their situation when it comes to this life choice.

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I would never ever ever ever seek guardianship of an incompetent senior who is not perfectly agreeable and perfectly calm and grateful.

You would be in a world of woe.
If you doubt that please stay on AC and read.
State with OP GracieKelli and her current woes with her mother.

I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a brother with probable early lewy's dementia. Let me tell you it was a learning curve and a tough tough job at BEST and that's with a man who asked me to take over everything, trusted me to take over everything, and was NOTHING but cooperative.

If you still doubt me order your copy of the book Never Simple, a memoir by Liz Scheier about her attempts to help her mother for decades. Her mom was mentally challenged as well. And by the way, she had the excellent help of the auspices of the social services of the city and state of New York. Never did a thing.
That should do it.

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I’m in the process of reading this book, at the suggestion of many in this group. Much of it rings familiar to me.

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I would not pursue guardianship. I don’t know how to share my posts or story, but you can find the back story on my profile. My mentally ill estranged mother showed up needing help. I dipped a toe in, got pulled in, and my life has been insanely stressful for the past year. But two things are in my favor: I’m not and will never be her legal guardian, and she will NEVER live with me I am now her POA and that’s quite enough . I hope you can pursue the route and the least level of involvement.

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In county-controlled guardianship, you will still be in contact with whoever is overseeing her. In my case, guardianship was handled by Lutheran Social Services. There was always more than 1 person besides the actual guardian that I was communicating with. They asked me about my SFIL's preferences and habits. They moved him to a closer facility so that we could take my MIL to visit him more often. You can carry on as much (or little) of a relationship with her as you want. We brought food and gifts to my SFIL in his facility (he had Parkinsons). You won't be allowed any access or insights into your Mom's financial or medical affairs. The guardian protects their assets and privacy as it they are your Mom. When my SFIL passed, we were contacted about his cremains and could receive them or not. Then shortly after he passed we received a financial accounting of where the guardian spent every single penny of his SS (because he had no other assets when they acquired guardianship) because Medicaid doesn't take all of your SS every month.

With county guardianship, your Mom will receive care, be protected, have food and shelter and clothing, be in a social setting, and have legal representation. You won't have to be stressed out by worry, or battling to get her to cooperate to do things in her best interests. It will all be done for you.

May you receive peace in your heart regarding your decision.

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I agree. I made too many mistakes giving in to my mother's guilt trips and promises. After 2 stints of her being in my home with "no one" else to care for her, I got a backbone and said no more. I would (and am) letting the state deal with her.

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Definitely I would not pursue guardianship, nor would I spend (I can't afford it anyway) my retirement funds housing a parent. When the house was condemned, I would have let APS and social services take over. I don't believe Arkansas doesn't cover dementia wards:

Long-Term Services and Supports (LTSS) Medicaid Assistance - Arkansas Department of Human Services

Let the state take over, they will find placement for her

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The main questions leaving out the body of your question my answer would be ..It depends on the relationship you have with the parent and what resources are available to you and the parent.
In your case, reading the body of your questions I think I would allow the State to become the Guardian.

For odd reasons I was made my Husbands Guardian.
It it time consuming
It is expensive
There is a lot of paperwork

YOU should NOT be spending YOUR money to care for mom.
Have you checked with Area Agency on Aging to see if she qualifies for any services?
Is she a Veteran or was her husband? If so the VA may provide some help (or a lot of help)

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Of course a legal be gal will advise Guardianship, as they are very expensive to process, the attorney will make big money.

Next step, I would pursue making her a ward of the state.

She has already ruined her life, don't let her ruin yours as well. She could live a very long time, my mother is soon to be 99.

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👍, I agree with you about everything. My mother is 85, and think she will outlive me. The attorneys $$$$, when you have no extra 🤷‍♀️.

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As guardian of a parent with mental issues and limited resources, knowing what you know now, would you choose guardianship or state control?

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