Unitetogether Asked August 2021
After the loss of your spouse. Any suggestions to help with this loss?
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After 31 years of marriage, my 62 year old husband went to heaven August 1st. He is no longer uncomfortable, frustrated, declining, tired, and hurting. AgingCare site has been a big help to me being his caregiver. A place to go to vent or ask a question, and read other caregivers concerns and to know that I/we are not alone, in any step in life. Anyone who lost their loved one, have any suggestions to help with this loss empty feeling, I would sincerely appreciate it.
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I remember for at least the first several months after my husband died I kind of just wandered around the house wondering what it was that I was supposed to be doing, as most of my day had been taken up with his care.
Allow yourself plenty of time to grieve the man you loved. I was getting teary eyed this morning thinking about my husband, and I don't try to stop it or hide it, as I miss him every day.
But life does go on, and we are still meant to make the most of whatever time we have left here on earth. Spend time with family and friends, and with God, and if need be, check out the Grief Share Support Groups in your area, as they can be very helpful as well. And if your husband was under hospice care at the end, they also offer grief counseling.
I have found that the book Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore is helpful as well, as it is a day at a time devotion. And that is how we have to go through our loss and our grief and that is one day at a time.
I am so sorry for your loss, and hope and pray that you will now take the time to take care of yourself. God bless you.
The advice that was posted sounds helpful, and hopefully you will find some comfort in it.
Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve your loss.
As a caregiver for my Husband who had dementia every day was a loss. So you begin the grief process from the first day the doctor says that your sweetheart has dementia.
You get through day by day. And every day there are reminders of what you are loosing. One of the things that is unexpected is the loss of people who you thought were friends.
So you think you are prepared. You think you have cried as much as you can. Even though he was still there you are, what a friend in my Support Group calls, a Married Widow.
But nothing prepares you for the day, the moment he stops breathing. Your heart stops as well. It is as if someone ripped your heart from your chest. And you cry more. Let yourself cry.
I have this posted next to my computer:
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you..........
And then I realized you spent the rest of your life with me.........
I also have this:
Grief never ends, But it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of Faith.
It is the price of LOVE
I am sorry for your loss, you can rest well you cared for him during a difficult journey.
((HUGS))
May The Lord God Almighty give your grieving mercies, strength and comfort during this difficult time.
It hurts…….
It can take time, but it does get better.
Prayers to you
So for now, accept your grief, cry all you want, and realize you will make it thru this. Be grateful for 31 years of marriage, reminisce, recall the good times with a smile.
Purchase a copy of “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse”.
My husband had Lewy body dementia and I was his full time caregiver for many years. After he died I attended a Hospice grief group that was helpful (FYI you need not have used the services of Hospice to participate in their group) and I spoke to my Dr about some issues like anxiety and depression.
It actually took a close friend to point out my struggle because I didn't recognize it for what it was.
For a short time I took an antidepressant and anxiety meds but the thing that helped me the most was volunteering.
I felt like I had lost my purpose in life after caregiving ended. I prayed and asked the Lord why I was still here if my purpose had been fulfilled. The kids were all grown and gone and I struggled to find a way to fit into the weird thing I now called my life. It was at this point I fully understood how long married spouses could easily die withing months of each other. Giving up and fading away could have been easy to do. God had other plans for me though.
I sought out something to be part of, although I knew I was not ready for anything caregiving related. I wound up volunteering at Habitat for Humanity and over the course of time realized that while I was helping someone else, I was also helping me.
Give yourself some grace though. The first year was like walking in a fog and to be honest there is so much of it that seems hazy or I wouldn't remember if I hadn't written it down. The second year was actually harder because the support system fades off when they feel we got through all the "firsts" and should be ok.
It's now been 7 yrs and I have even remarried a couple of years ago (I am as shocked about that as anyone else) but there are times I still struggle with my late husband's absence and grieve the life I thought we should have had.
I am still (yes, still) learning how to navigate my life without him. We have children and grandchildren and there is so much he isn't here to experience with them. SO I guess I'm saying that although time is so cliche it is also so true that it lessens the ache. Instead of stabbing pains they are now a dull thump on my heart and in my head. I'm moving ahead and trusting that my heavenly Father will see me through. I don't think we ever get over or past it. We go right through it and use the experience to help another as they too take the grief journey.
Thinking of you and praying you find some comfort for your heart , mind and body.
Everything you feel is entirely normal. Be kind to yourself--you have just been through a significant trauma. Spend time with everything you feel. Do not try to avoid the sad or frightening emotions. Acknowledge them and experience them. Forgive people who say useless things at this time. They mean well.
When you are ready, talk about what you have been through, perhaps with a Grief Support group where people listen to each other. (Not just a "workshop" dispensing platitudes.). Bring up your husband's name with others who might share memories of him so they know it is OK to talk about him. Other people may be afraid to mention him b/c they "don't want to remind you" that he died. We know you are never going to forget for a minute.
Take whatever time and space and path you need to deal with your emotions. Do not let people tell you "should" be glad your husband is no longer in pain or you "should" be over his death by a certain time. There are no "shoulds" in grieving.
You will begin to see small joys in your day and your memories of your husband will work through the sad and depressing ones to happier times. Include him in your thoughts as you go through your day. Remember him with friends and family. The time you had with him will always be part of who you are.
After my mother passed in 2016, I would go into our dining room, which we had fixed up as her bedroom, and sit on the couch in the sun. My mother had a similar room off her DR in her house that she called her 'morning room,' and so for a little while, I called it my 'mourning room.' I'd sit with a cup of tea, as we used to do, and a little uplifting book and just observe the silence. Every evening I'd go past the door, look at her photo and say something out loud like, 'Love ya, Mama,' or 'See you in the morning!' I know it sounds daft, but any way you need to get through your grief is OK. As the days went on, I was able to write in my journal, plan my day, make little sketches. At the six or nine month mark (I forget), I thought maybe I should see someone because I still felt lethargic and sad, but my best friend said her mum had been gone for 12 years and you never really ever get over it, you just go on. That was the best advice. I stopped thinking there was some kind of timetable and started being kinder to myself.
My almost 50-year-old son died six months ago today. He was ill. It seems like a lifetime ago and I miss him like crazy. I went away for a few weeks after he passed, and that was good, but I had to come back to his room and his clothes and his belongings which I am still dealing with. I hear a song he'd listen to, or some memory will surface, and I take a moment to enjoy it as he would. This is life. This is loss. This loss is different, as each one is.
When my father died in 1986, I was still working and I barely had time to mourn. Giving someone the advice to keep busy, etc., is probably good, but it doesn't matter how you handle the death of your loved ones, two things are absolute: One, you must make the place in your heart to hold them stronger, and that just takes time. And two, you are hurting because you loved and were loved in return. Say 'thank you' and accept Life's gift.
I will pray that God will comfort you, and I mean that. When I say I will pray for someone, I do. As someone else said, loss is part of life. The only way to never suffer loss is to never have anything you hold dear.
I urge you to talk to your pastor, and to reach out to Christian friends. Also, try to get involved in something outside your self, like being active in a church or volunteering. Nothing will take away your grief, but in the long term it might become less intense.
And do not allow grief to ruin your life. God still has a purpose for you, and paralyzing grief will prevent you from living a good life. Remember, you will see him again some day when there will be no more pain nor loss.
God bless you and take care
For every person born means one more to feed graveyards and it can happen any age. That's what helped me through my mom's death and I never was separated from my mom all my life until she died age 90.
Accept the things you cannot change and death is one of those.
Give yourself time to grieve I don't know how your life is or how old you are, but you may have to look for a job because the bills will keep on coming in. AND you have to deal with tons of paperwork like funeral/cremation arrangements, insurance papers, and so on. Possibly even probate (anything not in your name).
October 19 will be 2 years mom died. It still feels strange without her..but I also learned to carry on because what other alternative is there? Crack up? Even that won't bring her back. Give yourself time to cry but you will have to forge your own life and in time you will.
My wife of 58 years died on June 20th, Orthodox Christian Pentecost. She had been experiencing Alzheimer's for some 12 years, still at home and still friendly and communicative.
Each day is now different with many ups and downs in the midst of a lifetime of memories of our marriage and five children and 14 grandchildren, all of whom are still with us.
None of us like to think about death until it happens to someone close to us. Then we are confronted with it.
There is a little book in the "School of Life" series called "On Confidence" that might be helpful. It's not a Christian book, but has a lot of good advice--not about mourning, but about tackling whatever life throws at us. The point is made that "Really... we're just failing to imagine that others are every bit as fragile as we are. Without knowing what it is that troubles or wracks outwardly impressive people, we can be sure that it will be something" (p. 24). "The unconscious mind may, as is its wont, be reading the present through the lenses of decades ago, but what we fear has, in truth, already happened; we are projecting into the future a catastrophe that belongs to a past we have not had the chance to fathom and mourn adequately" (p. 84). "We can, despite our fears, survive the loss of hope" (p. 86).
As several people have pointed out, a bereavement group can be helpful. That has been my experience, too. Somehow it is comforting to know that others are having similar experiences to you. You can help them; and they can help you to face the reality of facing life on your own, but still with the Lord. Even for those who not share a faith in God, there is a strong sense of mutual support which brings encouragement and support.
All the best
Ask for help and know people like me pray💕 for strangers.
1Peter 5:7
While others may offer more personal experience, I would say to delve into the feelings - really feel what is going on inside. Finding distractions may help (friends, re-focus your attention elsewhere), however the emptiness you feel can grow beautiful flowers in your soul - beauty that represents your husband's essence and loving memories.
Grieving is grief and it hurts.
Time heals.
Be patient with yourself.
Perhaps start writing in a journal - 'non-stop' writing. This is a tool / technique where you do not edit yourself at all. You keep the pen / pencil moving and it doesn't matter what comes out.
And, try writing (if writing is a way for you to express yourself) all the wonderful memories and fun times you had together.
Talk to him. Always talk to him.
Gena / Touch Matters
This is a very interesting thread. I too lost my husband recently. We were married 55 years. He passed on April 1. He had a long illness and was in Hospice for over a year. He was in care as I could no longer physically care for him though I was still his primary decision maker/care overseer/organizer. I visited daily as COVID allowed. This whole past year has been a nightmare. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this journey. But -- I am tired of having to learn how to fix things -- sprinklers, broken dryer, etc. I miss my husband terribly especially when something funny happens and I want to share. Sometimes the feeling of not contributing is overwhelming .. though not sure I am ready. There has to be meaning beyond this. HUGS
There is a lot of great advice in this thread. Thank you all for sharing and thank you for starting the thread.