My mom is going to be 93 in May, doesn't look her age and is near perfect health except for glaucoma. She takes no meds and is total denial about her Alzheimers/dementia diagnosis. She refuses to go to doctors any more because she "feels fine". She still has her own apartment but recently neighbors have been complaining that she knocks on their doors late at night asking if they hear noises. I've been having her stay with me in my one bedroom apartment but don't like to leave her alone for too long. She refuses any help because "she doesn't need it". I've told her she could stay at her apartment if she has someone live with her but that's not working. I've taken her to some assisted living places that are so nice that I would like to move in right now. Our relationship has degraded to such a point that we hardly speak and when we do it's usually her accusing me of stealing any number of her things. Lately, she's been talking to an imaginary friend and this could go on for hours at a time; my daughter bought me noise canceling headphone for xmas which I wear continuously. I've become a prisoner in my own bedroom and just watch TV on my computer and read. I can't interact with her anymore because she calls me names and forget about redirecting, she's like a dog with a bone regarding all the things I steel. My mom was my best friend and this is so painful because my mom is gone and I have no more compassion for this body snatcher. Anyway, people have recommended that I not go the route of getting guardianship because it is supposed to be very bitter and costly. I don't have POA for mother for anything and there is no chance I can get it. That's why I was wondering if I should get social services involved so someone else can tell her she can't live alone anymore. Has anyone ever made an anonymous call to APS and have them take over. By the way, I have been paying almost $7000/yr for LTC for my mom so I could afford to have her live in a nice place which I feel would be better for her because she's always been a social butterfly. Thanks in advance for advice/suggestions.
Prayers and best wishes for good help and guidance as you go forward.
In response to Donna F, I am an only child. I'm 63 and the stress level is having a negative impact upon my health. There are no friends or relatives who are able to offer some support. I don't have POA because my parents never thought it was important even though their family doctor encouraged them to do it. Given that my mom thinks I'm the devil incarnate, there is no chance that I would get her to sign anything. I spoke with a social worker today who suggested I call APS and explain the situation and ask them if they could help moving this forward. I'm also going to make an appointment for a consultation with an elder attorney to get his/her input. Right now, mom is continuing to pay the maintenance on her co op which, fortunately, is in my name. I used to live in the same complex and had a three bedroom, two bath apt. and asked her to come live with me there but she said I was moody and I stole and refused. So now I live a mile away in a one bedroom apartment and she's sleeping in the living room. When my daughter comes home from college it's going to be tight in here. I feel that my mom would do better in a more social environment which is why I feel assisted living would be better for her than having someone come in to sit with her which she would refuse anyway. I'm in New York also, in the suburbs. If you are in the area, I'd love the name of your geriatric care manager. I do pay for a LTC policy for my mom because she refused to pay for it and it would pay for a relatively nice facility for her. She doesn't have tons of money in her bank account and just gets my dad's social security. No other assets. This person is so mean. I know intellectually that it's the illness but my mom and I were so close and I just can't bear to deal with this body snatcher.
Sorry if I sound cruel but I miss my mom.
I would look into a free evaluation with an elder care attorney just to gather the information on guardianship. It may be more doable than you think. I didn't see where you stated if there were other siblings. You said you were not POA or anything, so who is?
I deal with two siblings who are joint POA - not a good situation to be in either since nobody communicates! My younger sister is the primary on the health care proxy-which is even worse because she does not communicate at all. She never comes to see mom. It just is what it is. I have 4 siblings, only one helps for about 6 hours on Sundays. That is the extent of the help.
However, the best move I made was hire a kick butt care manager. Holy cow. She has helped me get community medicaid for mom, in record time I might add, which will allow me to keep mom home with me and they will pay for the aides. I am waiting for the assessment to see how many hours they will give for in home care and then I get to choose the aides that come into my home and they pay for it. It is quite the process and the county isn't overly helpful so you really need a good care manager to fight for the benefits. I don't know your mom's financial situation but this is an avenue. Again, I don't know if you want to keep her home with you or place her in a facility, but a care manager is an extremely helpful resource. They know how the system works. Hang in there, you can get thru this. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. Take care of yourself.
The disadvantage of the social services taking over is that if your loved one is appointed a court appointed guardian, the guardian can become a monster as I saw with my foster dad when I was no longer allowed to visit him after having to report abuse I witnessed against another patient in the nursing home in the wing dad was living in. There were abusive nurses in that wing and I should've known something was coming but I didn't. Live and learn! I'm not one of those kinds of people to not say something when I see abuse since I survived abuse myself. I sure don't want no one else going through what I had to go through and I will definitely report it
In our case, all 3 children agreed who should be guardian. The guardian had a clean background check, good credit and lived in the same place for 30 years.
Mom was obviously confused; the court evaluator recommended she did not appear at the hearing, that she was unable to participate in the proceeding.
It was all over at the very first hearing. Cost $3000 in NY
Even if you don't want to become her Guardian, you can still petition the court and ask that they appoint someone else to be the Guardian. There are professionals who do it and they could award Guardianship to the County or some other person.
You can just report to APS, but, you never know who will get the case. Are they experienced, are they trained to recognize dementia and mental health issues, etc. Will they just make sure she' she has heat and food in the house and close the case? There is no guarantee that an objective person is going to really evaluate the matter. If it's bad enough, I suppose even a novice would see she needs help and is at risk in her current situation.
A couple of thoughts....
1. Return her to her place and ask the Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment". Sometimes elders will listen to outsiders.
2. Make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist. Take her to lunch and then stop by the doctor for "your" appointment.
3. Wait until she falls, gets ill and have her transported to the ER. If she's admitted, discharge can help you find placement. Refuse to take her home.
This is not easy. But you need to keep your sense of self preservation, or she could outlive you.