Since then, Mom has fallen twice seriously...the last time two years ago and needing a total shoulder replacement at age 92. Since then, multiple UTIs, coming closer and closer together. She has been on various antibiotics which sometimes cause explosive diarrhea. When she has a UTI she gets very hostile and aggressive and accuses me and her aids of everything horrible. She has very advanced arthritis as well with bouts og painful Gout.
We have had hired help for her which at first was covered by her long term insurance. However that has a monthly cap and we have surpassed that and we had to deplete my mother's savings by about $50,000! There are only about 7 months left of that.
So now she has little savings left...but still too much to be on Medicaid or qualify for VA aid. We got a reverse mortgage to help keep her at home but now if we sell will not get anything much from that.
I have transformed my dining room at home into a bedroom and had a builder adapt the nearby bathroom for her shower chair with every intention of having her here.
However as the time nears when we need to move her out of the condo and sell it, I am realizing that I will not be able to handle all of her needs. At age 67 and hubby at age 72, we're hardly able to help her out of chairs and cannot prevent a fall if she loses her balance. Her aids tell me she needs 24 hour supervision. She is incontinent as well.
When I mentioned the possibility of assisted living, Mom freaked out. She wept for two days, called her aids all kinds of names refused to look at me and told everyone she knew that her family was throwing her out on the street and that I no longer wanted her. she said I broke my promise and she is seeing my true colors now. That really hurt!
All this in spite of my care for her needs in the last ten years. I cook for her, shop, cover all physical needs and juggle nurses schedules and doctors appointments. We bring her dinner each Sunday...call her at least twice a day and I usually see her during the week at least once. I am also needed to help with my daughter and her two very young children. Mom gets angry about my helping them...saying I need to rest more! It is so exhausting.
I am heartbroken about this and wish we had the money to cover at least 12 hours a day care in our home. But we do not have that money.
I am thinking of asking her doctor to let her know she needs more care than I can provide her at our home.
There is one sister who lives out of town and refuses to help. We hardly even see her more than once every two years for a few days when she expects to be entertained.
So any advice from anyone with similar problems? How do we get our elderly and stubborn parents to see the need for assisted living. How do we get them to realize the toll it is taking on their adult children? This is so very hard for both my mother and us.
No one does cartwheels and handsprings down the middle of the street and celebrates having to place a loved one in a facility. But you and your hubby are now doing the work of 3 shifts of caregivers in a nursing home. You are bankrupting yourselves and putting your own health in danger. I know for a fact that chronic UTIs are extremely difficult to handle. I have a gouge-mark scar on my arm from my mother when she had them and became combative.
When we take our parents to live with us, on some level we believe things will go back to the way they were when we were younger and growing up with healthy parents. Unfortunately, that doesn’t turn out to be so. Our parents are now people we don’t even recognize. They are angry, mean, unhealthy, unreasonable and make unfair comments that cut us to the quick. Even so, it’s difficult to make ourselves understand what must be done and be ok with it.
Because there is property involved and also a sibling, you need to get an Elder Law Attorney on board. Hopefully you have POA. Write your sister a letter and send it registered so you’re sure she got it. Explain what you’ve decided to do. Express to her that if she disagrees, you are more than willing to turn over Mom’s care to her. Have the attorney help you navigate through what you need to do to file for Medicaid.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can get them to realize the toll it takes on their adult children. I think most of them are like what you hear about drowning victims who can’t see that their rescuer is there to help them, so they latch on in desperation and endanger them both!
We never made a promise to our parents, we just rolled up our sleeves and became the Assisted Living Facility when they started to have problems in their early 70’s. Then as time passed, my siblings and I, along with paid professionals, became the nursing home. We fully intended to do this until they both passed away in their own home, but it became too difficult as their needs increased and we began to break down mentally and physically.
They are now both in a nursing home together. My father could somewhat see the toll this was taking on us, but my mother never did. My father was and still is very appreciative of the care he received from us and all the things we do now to advocate for him and when we come to visit. My mother, on the other hand, behaves as if it is her just due, as if she were royalty, and we her faithful minions. Every so often she will express anger toward us that we did not keep up the status quo of keeping her and my father in their home.
I do not know your mother’s limitations, but she may be past the stage of Assisted Living and may be eligible for a nursing home. Get a Needs Assessment done through her doctor.
It is hard, but you may have to reasses the “Promise”, as “Circumstances Alter Cases”. We never dreamed that there would come a time that we would not have the full time care of our parents. It was very hard to hand their care over to a facility, and over a year later, we are still getting used to it. We are still loving children who visit frequently and advocate for them.
You made a promise to Mum based on the Situation at the time. Now the situation has changed and your promise is void.
Your mother is being selfish. You have met her needs for 10 years and she does not want anything to change. But her needs have gotten far greater than your ability to meet them.
Enlist the help of her doctor, perhaps ask him to write an RX for 24/7 care in a facility. Once she spends down her $50,000 and the funds from selling her condo, she can apply for Medicare.
Good luck.
My 82 year old mom had a near fatal, massive stroke 6 months ago and because she had no advance directives, our family has been confused about how to manage her life and affairs.
The stroke left her unable to speak, eat, walk and her entire right side is paralyzed.
The reality is we can only do what we can do. Her time at home being independent has come to an end. Of course she’s mad as hell about it! Who wouldn’t be? The only person she can be angry with is the two of you. It is a selfish~ self preservation time in her life, so she is being selfish. All she can see and handle is her own needs. It doesn’t matter that her care is putting your health and happiness at risk.
No one wants to accept that there care needs are a burden on others even when it clearly is.
You will both have to accept that she is going to give you both the biggest guilt trip of your lives. Accept it. It will most likely pass as she settles into her new surroundings.
I have a patient now that is as happy as anything until her daughter comes to visit her. Then she is crying and miserable, she tells her horrible things to guilt her. When I told her daughter I was surprised and how happy and involved she is here when there not here, she was shocked. Shocked and relieved to some degree. Her mother had convinced her she was a crying miserable mess 24/7 since she placed her with us which could not be further from the truth.
What to do about the anger and guilt? You’ll have to be very strong and resolute knowing you have made the only safe and sound choices for all involved. Let her vent her anger but don’t leave there with guilt over what you had no other choice about.
I have already lived with my MIL for two years and then could no longer deal with it and she is currently though temporarily living alone in her condo again. This nearly broke up my marriage. Yet she still says she was happiest living with me. To which I have nothing to say to her. My husband still feels guilty. She’ll be 86 soon and I know the time for her to live alone is drawing to a close. At that time we will have another huge decision to make. We are very divided on this.
Once the two of you say the pros and cons and make your decision you cannot waiver in it. I truly believe everything turns out the way it is supposed to in life.
She absolutely will be fine in AL or a nursing home so long as you stay involved and choose the best one. The prettiest places aren’t always the best. The one where you get to know her caregivers and visit her frequently is the best. She needs to know you still care and you’re doing what you feel is best for her.
Trying to explain your own health issues and concerns in giving her care is rarely effective. Though you can try to explain this to her don’t dwell on that aspect.
Shes only thinking of herself. Reassure her you are too and this what you both know is best for her.
I think that what my mom is doing for me, every time I come she is saying I am dying here without you....And enormous guilt overwhelming me....I promised not to her, but to my father that I will take care of her, when she died, by then he was 77, she was 75, and I did take care of her for 15 years, 13 of them living with me, last three were a hell with her dementia happened as a switch and my cancer diagnosis and treatment. Then she went to the hospital, the first time for those 13 years living with me being 90 and then to rehab and NH, where my doctor who knows me and her for 13 years said that it is no way I can deal with that at home, only if I have money to hire 24/7 nurse and I dont, those who have will not come to this site....
Still guilt and pressure every time I am there
I was a senior citizen myself, so I couldn't do everything my 90+ parents had thought I could do. I no longer was that 20 or 30 year old, even though in my parent's mind they thought I still was. That is why you rarely see any Staff at a senior facility who is in their 60's or 70's. It takes a huge toll on a senior caregiver [and many younger ones].
If you can, take your Mom to preview a couple of places that you know would take your Mom if she uses Medicaid later down the road, being self-pay first really helps. Use a "theraputic fib" to your Mom by saying a friend of yours is moving their parent to senior housing and what better way to get an honest opinion then to have your Mom preview the place :)
I know I was like you, taken aback when my dad yelled at me for his placement without any consideration of all I’d done for him the previous 4 years. It hurts!
You made a promis in good faith not realizing what would then become impossible. It’s like promising to stay together when we marry but sometimes we break that and have to divorce. We often don’t know what is down the road. I’m sorry for you but you know it’s in her best interest to move her for both her and your safety. Hard as it is you must. I always have to tell myself that dad had a darn good life for 95 and his last few years in a NH doesn’t overshadow that. You deserve a life too
You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. For her safety and your own mental health, she needs to be placed in a facility even over her objections. Do not allow her to emotionally manipulate you.
wants. When I show up to see her she has made it clear she wants to go home. My mother is alert and capable of decision making. So she is able to leave when she wants. I have taken care either with paying or everyday help. Now my sister is going to attorney for elder abuse after I told I found a place for Mom. Because she
is at a point where she can't stay home without having at least 8 hours. I have been working and seeing to her needs to help with the costs. Now my sister who has had no contact unless I call and or take Mom to see her. And my brother has had no contact at all. What am I supposed to do when I am the only close family member that takes care of her gets told that they are going to go to court for elder abuse when they do not call or write or see their mother?
The person that you made a promise to (and I am not going to get into that) does not exist any longer.
Safety should be your goal just as it was your Mom's goal when she was caring for you when you were young.
If you can not safely care for her either physically or emotionally then the best for her is to be in a place where there are trained people. Then visiting you can be a more relaxed daughter, more rested, less stressed so you can enjoy the visits you have.
I am sure if your Mom were in your shoes and she were taking care of her mother she would feel the same way, just as I am sure she would not want you so stressed in her care and she would not want you or your husband to hurt yourself while caring for her.
As I have said in many of my replies...When my Husband was diagnosed I said I will keep him home as long as it is safe..safe for him and safe for me....
I was lucky in that I was able to keep him at home but I had help through the VA as well as Hospice. I was able to get the equipment I needed and I am living in a house that was built handicap accessible.
So given the same parameters...is it safe for you to bring your mom into your home? Is it safe for her to be moved into your home?
And there is still a cost factor..you can not do this alone 24/7/365 so you will need help.
If your Mom is aware you can tell her you can not do this alone. You can tell her it is a matter of safety. Or you can tell her that the apartment in the "Retirement community" is less expensive than her condo and you found out from your builder that there are problems converting the bathroom to one that she could use. (Therapeutic lies are our friend)
Another option would be to talk to an eldercare attorney and see f her savings can be put into a trust so that she would qualify for some of the VA benefits. I know the VA has several programs that can help out (This is if she is the veteran and not the surviving spouse) /it might do well to talk to a Veterans Commission Office to see if she qualifies for more help, again this is if she is the Veteran.
Take her to see for herself that the facility is a home, shared by friends, with meal preparation and activities. Some facilities have a dog or cat. She might like it after seeing it and realizing that residents are not in a hospital-like setting.
What were the reasons at that time for your mother asking for this promise?
SInce then...there have been 5 falls. Two were major, with broken sternum and was in rehab for about 6 weeks. She broke a few ribs and her hand at home but two years ago...fell and broke her upper arm and shoulder. She needed total shoulder replacement at age 92. Another rehab stay for 90 days. Then last June, a huge UTI and sepsis almost killed her. The nurses told me how tough she was to get through it. That led to 5 more weeks in rehab. Since then, there have been at least 5 UTIs. Have gone to a specialist but no one can tell us why they are happening. Each one leaves her weaker, and more confused than the one before. As one is brewing, her personality becomes hostile and aggressive and she verbally abuses me and her aide.
I have become grocery shopper, meal prepper and delivery service ( She lives 1/2 hour from us), appointment planner, nurse scheduler, secretary ( Actually my husband does this with her bills), banker, medical and personal supply provider, as well as social planner. It takes most of my day to do all of this.
Jacquee, MS.G
Patient Advocate
We don't know the future!
My mother was the same... she worked in a nursing home and she saw how the nurses did not watch their patients well.
She begged us not to put her in a nursing home. Well the time came when her husband - my Daddy was at the end of his rope. We were up all night and it just came time. Well to make a very long story short we had to do it and all three of us were better off.
Now my Dad has the beginning stages of Alz and I may have to make that decision for him. Yes I promised him but as we all know... we do not know the future and some decisions just have to have other decisions.
May God bless you on the decisions that you need to make.
hgn
Not all Assisted Living are equal - some are extraordinarily nice.
The biggest mistake we made was not making her go visit it during the waiting period. As a couple months passed, we spent lots of $$ having people take care of her. We finally were notified of an opening and quickly put down the $$$ deposit. In the days before her move in date, she started falling down, even while using her walker. Today, we now know it was on purpose. Long story short, she broke both ankles and wound up in rehab. For 100 days in rehab, she resisted any sort of help from the therapists. This was an expensive mistake on her part. After the 100 days, she went to long term care, where she is today. It looks like we will have to bring in hospice there because she has completely given up. I can't believe it.
What we now believe is that she has dementia and has had it for a long time. As explained to me by one of the staff, dementia can be masked until a traumatic event. Right or wrong, we are convinced that had she visited the location, she would be there now.
Yes *please* speak to her doctor’s office to coordinate a discussion and whatever else is needed.
What I've come to realize is that, after 8 years of care giving, I've done just about all I can do. I also have a husband and children who would like me to be around more and I need to stop cancelling plans because Mom needs something or doesn't feel well. Do I feel awful about that? Oh yeah! But, I've been feeling awful anyway so it's time to try something different.
I do wish you the best possible outcome - even if it's not a perfect one. Just know that any decisions you make are out of love for your Mom and what you feel is the best for her (and you). She probably won't see it that way, at least initially, but when you're at the point of saying "this just isn't working anymore", it's time for a different solution.
I have been in counseling and my advisor tells me that when we are the main caregivers/managers, our parents feel they can vent on us because they know nothing terrible will happen to them if they do. Not that it makes it easier for us though!
I asked my mother's doctor to call and explain how she needs more care than we can give her now. He told me that her illness and depression can cause these volcanic rages and that she has little control over them. He did call her and she was apologetic and more conciliatory after that. She agrees to at least tour the AL soon. I hope this new phase of hers lasts for a while.
I suggested we try the AL for three months to see if she can adapt to it. If not then we would have to find a different solution.
For the past ten years, I have managed more and more for her until it is just about everything now. It is so tiring and the nurses and their scheduling is so difficult.
Like you, our social life has decreased to be almost non existent. We need to cancel so often that friends get disgusted.
It is not what we both envisioned for her at this stage of life, but at least she would be safe there. Good luck to you!
What is most important is that we keep our loved ones safe. Caring for an aging adult 24 hours a day is more than most people can do.
In a perfect world we'd have a large, warm, congenial family, plenty of room and money and we'd take care of our elderly parents at home. I happen to be single so I can't devote the time necessary and I don't have the skills.
I do visit and manage all health care decisions. We still have fun and laugh together! I am so delighted to be able to make my mother's last stage of life as comfortable as possible.
I have made peace with it as I am doing all I can do.
This wasn't an easy place to get to. I have a therapist who works with me, a cousin who went through this with 5 aging family members and gives med counsel, and a brother who is able to provide much of the financial support.
I never wanted for her to end up in a facility but I am doing the very best I can. That has to be enough.