My mom passed early yesterday morning at the age of 98. She had been in steady decline (with dementia) for the past three years, but took a sudden turn for the worse two weeks ago. Despite my attempts to discourage her, my mom would remove her Depends in her sleep and get up to use the toilet at night. That morning I found her on the floor halfway under the bed. I helped her up and she seemed OK despite some bumps and bruises, but whenever she attempted to get out of bed after that she would slide to floor. I had a couple of sleepless nights trying to prevent her falling until she finally worked it through her brain that she couldn't get up by herself. I also noticed that her speech had become slurred. I made an appointment with her doctor and decided to ask for a Hospice recommendation. When he saw her the next week he immediately agreed to do that. I let the family know what was going on.
Hospice came the next day (last Thursday). The nurse said she had no underlying fatal conditions but that they would take her based on her weight loss, she was skin and bones. Friday they brought the bed and equipment and we moved her downstairs. That day, she was eating, but small amounts, and she didn't seem to be able to speak at all, though she smiled and recognized us. I didn't sleep much Friday night and got up about 5 in the morning on Saturday and went to check on mom. I changed her Depends, gave her a dose of liquid Tylenol and settled her for what I hoped would be a good morning's rest. I went in with my sister-in-law about 8:00 and she had died. She was quite cold so she probably passed on shortly after I left her.
She was ready to go, my only regret is that the final decline was so swift. Very few family members had a chance to see her before she left us. One niece got the news mid-flight from Spain. She was no longer comfortable in her body, though. I'm glad she didn't linger given the circumstances.
I want to thank everyone on this board for helping me get through the past couple of years. I didn't contribute a lot, but I read it all the time. When you are a caregiver, unable to get out into the world, just the glimpses into other people's lives in similar circumstances is a relief.
I was relatively lucky, my mom was a very kind, cooperative woman whom I dearly loved and she was small and easy to care for. Still, I would not recommend that anyone take on the burden as I did, all by yourself. I kept telling myself I should hire help, mom could have afforded it, but I put it off again and again. I am not a people person and I dreaded the idea of hiring someone, telling them what to do, coaching and supervising. I never wanted to be a manager at work and hated the idea of managing care help at home. So, I labored on.
Thanks again for being here. I am mourning my mom, but the last three years have been a continual process of mourning her losses. Now I'm dealing with all the nitty-gritty details that follow a parent's death. I expect that soon I will be able catch my breath and think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
May The Lord give you peace, strength and guidance for the new season you are in.
Your mom was blessed to have you.
Her time was up it seems. She was ready to go. She was so lucky to have you.
Thank you for what you have written. You explain so well how hard it is to care for another alone and how hard it would be to add others. I’m a great fan of adding on the help but regardless THE caregiver is still alone. The difference from before is that it was two of you alone and now it is one. You will carry her in your heart always.
Take all the time you need and tune in often. It is good to know you are still there keeping us company in the ether. Best of luck with the rest of your life. You’ve done a good thing.
God bless you and help you reach acceptance with this loss.
Give yourself the grace to grieve.
Take your time in re-adjusting to life. Yes, all the immediate legal stuff needs taking care of, but other than that, you don't need to make any big decisions for a while.
Wishing you peace as you grieve.
Thank you for your beautiful tribute to your mom. She sounds like she was a peach of a lady. ((((Hugs)))).
I hope and pray that when the dust does finally settle that you will be able to find joy again and a new life free of any caregiving.
May God bless you and keep you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
I hope you are experiencing, along with your sad loss, the knowledge you were so there for your Mom and that you no longer have to stand witness to her losses and she has no longer to endure them. I am so sorry, and wish you healing. Even when we are ready for the end it is always a shock to the system, and especially when so much of your life was the caregiving.
My best to you and please stay on forum. All you have learned through caregiving is experience you can use to help others. Don't leave us!
I agree that they know when the end is near.
It does make it somewhat easier when a person is prepared for their death.
Neither of my parents were afraid to die. They were tired and welcomed death.
I am glad that your mom was at peace during her final time on this planet.
There will be a sense of closure once you have the final memorial for your mom.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother.