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I've been living with my friends mother now for 8 weeks. She has Dementia and is close to the 5th stage. At first she was relieved and no longer frightened when I had moved in. Now she still has confusion, dilusions and is worried about lots of little things. She misplaces things and thinks her cats are talking to her and the tv is talking to her sending her messages. She has recently, in the last 5 days, become demanding, frustrated with me, she has hit me with her purse and has been feeling threatend by me. She even feels her daughter, my friend, is betraying her. I know this is part of the disease, but the problem is, in a few months we are moving in with her daughter and I feel this may be a wrong move as we both will become her enemy. Is assisted living the best solution for elders with dementia. If she is going to become more demanding and abusive and threatend is it fair to say we will be victims, when we are trying to be the best possible caregivers. She has never had a mean bone in her life until now. I am looking for advice.

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I don't know the answers to your questions ... but feel for your situation. I'm hoping someone with more insight into your situation gives you some advice that is helpful. Sending prayers your way!!
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Sad thing about dementia is one never knows until one knows...how the individual is going to react. The best person perhaps to answer your question might be a geriatric social worker in collaboration with a doctor as to whether the lady needs to be in long-term care. If her demetia is that advanced, I would not be surprised if the answer you get is yes. Dementia is an annoying disease to say the least. It has ravaging efects on quality of life and relationships with caregivers and makes you feel like you have nowhere to turn, but you do have somewhere to turn. Ask the doctor for a social work referral and assessment based on the progression of symptoms you are describing. Most importantly, keep sharing. Sometimes that is all a caregiver can do to cope with a high level of stress and uncertainty.
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Hello to all, I am at work and just had to stop in. Do you all hear what I am hearing. We are all so much alike in our feelings, our backgrounds, our care giving abilities. yes, we all have abilities and probably do a better job than we even know hence, our Moms, husbands and others would not depend on us so. When they depend on us we resent it but when they don't we resent that to that is how we were raised, to be caregivers. You cannot be a caregiver if you don't have compassion and love. I struggle with my feelings for my Mom to I want to have that movie version of mother and daughter relationship. I never had a daughter but I can imagine how I would feel. I know I cried secretly when my son had his first heart break and not make fun of him as my mother did when I was a teenager. I am a loving, giving person, I want to change the world my husband says and when I read your posts so do you or at least the part of the world you live in. Perhaps these things ought to be brought up to your husbands doctor austin I took care of my mother-in-law who had dementia/alzheimers it is not a easy task and they can be so mean and hurtful but also lost. You are all great caregivers never lose track of that, I know it's easy to forget, but you cannot take anything personal as Jesus said forgive them they know not what they do. Lean on Him he is there for you. Don't get lost in all of this sadness. Unfortunately I learned a long time ago once you are born this is your goal some go out quietly others kicking and screaming and the famous line you always hurt the one you love is so true that to is because they rely on you for everything. Take time for you have a massage if you can afford one, get your hair done, have lunch with a friend, do something for you and guess what it's okay your life means as much to God as any other life. So as good as you treat those you care for do the same for you. Stress can really hurt you I know the first six months my mom came to live with me I was so stressed out I could have flown and than BINGO heart pain, tests, blockage so I keep the stress to a minimum, I am entitled to my opinion the same as mom they just aren't the same opinion. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean I have to be like her. Its hard but its doable. I am so glad I found this place. I hope I can encourage all of you to be who you are not what someone else wants you to be and still be able to care for your family member. You see those siblings of yours that could care less, well they can't do what you can. There is a reason for that. Love yourself I've had to dig way down and become the mother I never had as a child and I can remember and this might sound crazy but I remember closing my eyes, wrapping my arms around myself and saying its okay baby mama loves you to myself. I am a very good mother and I don't have to tell myself that to make it so "THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING" LOVE TO YOU ALL
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Neonwocky, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I also feel the way you do. I saved some for myself when I was caring for my dad. One of the greatest things I ever heard is, What you think of me is none of my business. I took care of myself and was judged by those not helping. Who cares. A hundred years from now will it matter. Thank you for sharing. You made my day.
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NEON-YOU GO GIRL Thank you so much for your words. At a support group a lady there told me I was manageing well and I had thought myself such a failure but her words stuck and now we are best of friends even tho her husband passed and she moved a ways away. I just love this positive way it is going on the last few days-that is what it is all about being able to tell our troubles and others responding either with a kick to the behind which I need at times or gentle words of love
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Well thanks everyone, I am so glad this site is here. No why?

I stop thinking about me and want to reach out to you.

Have you had your hot chocolate today yet, well take five everybody and don't forget use the real whipped cream.

Love to all
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Neon, you are one wise woman. Thanks for stopping in and please continue. We all need to hear what you have to say.
Carol
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NEON -Hot choclate sounds good so does getting on this site.
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Hello everyone, new to the board. I am going through the same kinds of things. We recently relocated my mother to my city via a medical escort company (airescort). Things went smooth as silk, and as time progressed my mom started to do some of the very same things. It is so demanding and draining, but I try to remember, I was the same way when she brought me into the world! Take time for yourself!! take a deep breath!
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Hi, I'm new to this site pretty new to care giving. 7 months. My-mom-in-law. how do you have the hot chocolate without this person your caring for following you everywhere. I mean everywhere.It's kind od creeping me out it's so bad.
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How about hot chocolate in the bathroom or is this too gross. I called the spianal specialist for an appointment they said I had to wait almost two weeks- what part of unbearable pain did they not understand- I said never mind I would go to our E.R.-surprise they came up with plan B and were suppose set me up with an MRI on Tue and to see the doc on Thur- of course they did not do this so I will be on the phone again tomarrow.
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I take care of my mother and husband both diagnosed with dementia. They are both able take care of themselves except for my mom she needs help with showering and we don't let her near the stove. I know the worst is around the corner and if I had the finances I would definitly put them in assisted care, because even now I get angry and go in my room. I think it is unfair to them and me that my patience is at an all time low. As my doctor tells me ... get rid of the stress and my relationship with mom will be better. I don't know the answers...if any of us did I think we would millionaires. I do know that when mom's doctor changed her meds it was a complete turn around so I'm lucky in that part. Just ask yourself what is the best solution..think and pray on it you will find it.
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Hang in there Austin, and go to the er to get some relief in the meantime if they can't get you in soon.Thinking of you and hoping you get what you need soon. Thoughts and Prayers
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So it's only been two years but the pressure and intensity of the situation is making my crazy. My dad is 85, has two fractured vertebrae in his back. No one will perform the procedure to ease the pain because he spent the last thirty years since my mom died living the hard life. He now has scirosis (spelling?) of the liver and as a result is considered a dangerous candidate for any procedured that involve possible bleeding. The alcohol and age have taken its toll and his short term memory is almost nonexistant. I think he probably is suffering from some dimentia but he knows who everyone is, knows his name, birthdate, address, phone number and many other things. Pain medication and heat seem to ease his discomfort but he admits he is a big baby, likes to moan because it makes him feel better and has chosen to take the low road and let everyone do for him so he does not have the pain. The end result is he spends most of the time in bed, needs assistance sitting up and laying down. When its time to use the porta potty he can hardly make from the bed to the toilet without falling. Dad weighs about 180 lbs and I am small and not very strong so it is a chore. To top it off, my younger brother, who also lives with us, has end stage renal disease, diabetic neuropothy which has affected his hands so he can't feel anything. Brother has dialysis for 6 hours, 3 days a week. He is depressed, angry at his inabilities and as a result can't do much. I cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, take care of dads personal hygiene and toilet events.

So here I am today, got up at 6 am to find dad sitting on the edge of the bed wanting breakfast. It is now 12:30 pm and he has called me every 15 minutes to help him lay down again. I have tried talking to him about how is feeling but he says he fine, just tired and his back hurts. I have lost my cool a number of times today and I do not like my attitude. Lets see up and down every 15 minutes over 6 hours, that means I have lifted him back into bed 24 or 25 times. My back hurts, my legs hurt, I am an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do. I know I can't change the situation but I feel like I should be able to. Hows that for contradition. Had a major meltdown on Sunday and had to leave for awhile because I was afraid I might say something I shouldn't or hurt someone. When I returned home, the two were waiting for me to cook dinner.

Yup, life sucks right now butttttttt I really would not want it any other way because that would mean both my dad who I love dearly but don't like much these days and my brother who doesn't deserve the cards he's been dealt arn't with me anymore. I dread the day that happens than I will be all alone. I wonder who will take care of me when I am "ancient" as my brother says.

Felt good to vent. Big sigh and lots of tears.
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You are wonderful! Yes, your dad probably has some alcohol induced dementia, besides his other problems. You have two men you love, both of whom will die, and you are doing the work 24/7 of about 4 nurses. You must get some kind of respite care, or you will break. What happens to them is you are too sick to care for them?

Please get in touch with your social services office or state human services and see if there is some government funded respite care available. You can't keep this up without consequences.

Your attitude and humor are a blessing to all. Please keep in touch, but do take care of yourself.
Carol
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Hello all, Hi cocapeli, Is your Dad doing something he has never done before by having you put him down and up all day. Honey, you are going to wear yourself out for sure. Call an ambulance and let them take him to the ER he may be having mini strokes or something. After reading your post this seems out of character for him although, I know how demanding it is for you. Last night I heard about mothers childhood for the upteenth time same stories I swanee I do beleive she only had three days as a child just joking. But all you can do is be kind and listen she doesn't seem to hear what you have to say on a subject and some people are just victims no matter what the age or the situation and can never put theirself in someone elses shoes. I am so sorry to also, hear about your brother, Ihad a brother who had muscular dystrophy who died when he was 18 I was only 1 1/2 years older than he and it was devastating, now that I am an old woman I know he is much better off. I want you to all think about this very carefully, losing a 13 year old son 27 years ago made me think of this. "There are worse things in this world than dying" yes we miss them but think about it. Don't feel guilty from the day we are born our goal is to die. Well than what can we say or do about this should we be spiritual and let our soul go back to where it came from? That would be a BIG FAT YES. If this is out of character for your Dad call the EMS in your area.
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I suggest you contact her doctor immediately, this is normal unfortunately at this time and stage in her life. They have many medications that they can try so it hopefully will calm her down and make your and her life easier. Some may not work but keep trying often combinations work.
Good luck
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she refuses all medications from the doctor she is afraid she will become addicted, my mother is very stubborn and it is her way or the highway. Last night she was very rude but I refuse to let her rain on my holidays and just went to my room and than she went to hers so that tells me she just wants to push my buttons and I'm not having any of it. Thanks for your input tho It all helps. Sometimes someone will say something here and it will give me a new view to mull over in my mind. Thank you archie I appreciate you and all of you who are caregivers. Its time for a little treat I have been up since 3 this morning and have a long day ahead of me. So the day will be filled with small breaks. That is how I handle my trying times.
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Cocepeli51
Would you be able to get P.T. through medicare and they could maybe get a lift for you to use to get him up and back in bed-you should not be lifting him yourself.
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sharon2 I think assisted living would be a good thing. Thats why they are there. I took care of my mother in law about 10 years ago she also had dementia and got very mean we had to put her in a nursing home. She would kick things and throw things and became so bad we were afraid she would hurt herself she had already had two broken hips because of her frustrations and fits. and it stemmed from her frustration but it was hard to live with and hard to put her in the nursing home but it was for her best interest.

Austin yes take the hot chocolate to the bathroom, draw a hot bath light a candle play some christmas music close your eyes and remember happier days.

cocapeli How is it going today? Better I hope and How are YOU?
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cocapeli, you are a loving daughter and it sounds like you are doing an awesome job. Disagreements happen in any relationship, and for some reason, caregivers act as if we are never meant to disagree with our loved ones. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is so obvious that you love your Dad. Like you, I know that if my Mom dies before I do, I will miss her terribly regardless of whatever caregiving challenges I may have faced along the way. Love never dies. Celebrate yourself and continue to honor your Dad. You are both blessed.
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mentalissues, I am with you on prayer. Prayer changes things, even if the only change is my heart and my attitude. God bless you.
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good morning everyone. so last night i really lost it with the husband, walked out left him with his mother and didn't come back till this morning. Problem is I feel no guilt for doing this. I honestly thought I was going to shoot myself if i stayed here one more second.I hadn'T had a moment to myself for over a week. Is it wrong to feel no guilt. WHEN i did return to the house it was worse then when i left. dishes, laundry etc.. My husband did not do anything but put her to bed. How did all this become my responsibility only? Thank you all for being here, letting me vent, and just listening.
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You aren't wrong to take care of yourself, and sometimes walking away is the only way to do it.

You've got our hands full, and have no need to feel guilty. One can hope your husband will improve a bit and help out, but it's not looking like he's catching on too quickly. I wish we could give you a magic cure - we can't. But drop the guilt. You are human and have limits.
Carol
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I am a caregiver and i work with my mother in law. In 2005 she was diagnosed with alhezemeir's disease, and til this day she presents these symptoms: she does not recognize anybody, she does does not speak, she can't take care of herself neither physically and emotionally, pretty much you can say she is unconcious. Whenever i cross my arm over her she thinks i'm going to hit her, she does not say anything because as i said she cant talk but her expression in her face says it all. i wanted to know what stage she is in?.. and what i could do to help her and myself deal with this situation...
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Please contact your Alzheimer's association in your area for guidance. She certainly is presenting the symptoms of later stages of Alzheimer's. You need help for her and yourself. They can guide you.

I know that look when someone thinks you are threatening them. It stabs your heart. It's the fear inside because they don't understand what is going on.

Please keep coming back and talking it out. But get local help and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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thank you for letting me know i am not a bad person for needing time to myself, how do you all do this 24/7 . my life seems to be in such a mess. i really did not realize till 10 min. ago that christmas is 12 days away. Part of me wants to just run that day and hide. Maybe the family will show up that day and I can , although they don't come any other time would it be wrong to just run away that day?
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msTish, one year I un-invited relatives who planned on coming to our home that Christmas simply because all I wanted to do that Christmas was rest. I also declined a Christmas party invitation after previously agreeing to attend because I needed to do that for me. Christmas and some other holidays can become command performance occasions and if that is the last thing you need to do this Christmas, no apologies necessary. Put yourself first. For most of the year, caregivers put others first. Surely days here-and-there are ours to choose to do as we very well please. No guilt, even if you do not have the energy to buy a single gift. Whatever you do, I will be wishing you rest and renewal this Christmas!
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Goodmorming all. so I try the I"m not having Christmas thing, and this is what happens. Because I live in mom-in laws home ( not by choice I might add, only because I take care of her) everyone thinks I'm being selfish.I'm about to ruin the holiday for everyone.Christmas is always at this house. She always did all the work, which now becomes my responsibility on top of her care. The family all has REAL JOBS I'm the one with all the time on my hands. Where is this time? I also cna't help but think for the past 3 days we were without power ( we live in Maine), and not one of my husbands family called to see if we were ok, or needed any help. It was my best friend who brought over a generator to help. Caring for mom by little power was alittle stressful. I feel like such a fool, doing what I thought was the right thing keeping her home and out of a nursing home and now I think this is just the craziest thing i have ever done. No one cares about me or what I going through, not even my husband. He thinks I owe this to his mother for the times she helped us in the past. Oh did i mention she doesn't think i do anything right, cooking, cleaning, laundry, . I am a cook by trade by the way , so 1000's of others think I can cook. And when I was raising my son alone I cleaned houses for a living to get by. i' m so sorry I have rambled all morning, but thanks for listening. Oh did I mention as I try to sit here and type she is wheeling her chair over my feet trying to figure out what I'm doing My doctor has prescribed Valuim and it's not working.... thanks for listening everyone this site is a savior for me,
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