I am currently caring for my mother in law 88 years old with. Vascular dementia and getting progressively worse. Seems I've been chosen to do so when I became unemployed then disabled 4 yrs ago. Since then have 3 surgeries two major. I am pretty sure I'm heading for caregiver burnout, have major health problems under doctors care. No one (his sisters) seem to care only that I'm here to care for MIL 24/7. One SIL doesn't even work! They come maybe twice or so a month to sit with my MIL and occasionally bath her. I do ALL the physical work. I've almost left my husband twice because of the strain. My husband helps when he gets home but hates to ask for help. They all have terrible communication problems. Last argu ment my husband and I had was bad. Because of the fact my youngest daughter lives her with her baby and husband and me not working I feel obligated. He's holding that over my head with them living here. But my health and nerves are deteriorating and with my sanity. My MIL is getting more and more difficult to deal with my husband will not put her in a facility, nor her insurance doesn't pay for in home healthcare. My husband said if I do not want to watch my mother in law then he would have to hire someone but hecan only offer room and board, so where does that leave my daughter and grandchild?.
Your MIL is getting worse. That is what dementia does, unfortunately. If you are having trouble with her care now, it is not going to get easier. No matter how much your husband does not want to put her in a facility the time may come when it is not possible to care for her at home -- certainly not without some outside help. This is another good reason to start exploring now what the options are, so you can have something in place as things get harder.
Regarding your daughter, her husband, and their baby. Are the adults working? Are they contributing financially to the household? Are they helping with things like laundry, housecleaning, yard work, household maintenenace? I take it there are reasons why they need a little help while they are getting on their feet. Can either of them help with the care of your MIL? Or at least relieve you and your husband of other household responsibilities to ease the burden? If they are living in the house it is reasonable to expect some contributions from them. Really, that should be true with or without the addition of MIL to the mix.
But the issues surrounding the young folks are separate from the care of MIL. You have health issues and you cannot continue to care for MIL alone. You need help. That would be true no matter where your daughter lived. Try to separate the two issues. Your husband and you need to focus on how to provide the very best care for his mother in a way that is realistic and loving to you as well.
Start with exploring your options for help. Get a social worker involved. Go from there.
And yes the young ones do pay rent and do help me but they to can only do so much with regards to her care. They do watch her so we can get errands done etc., but as far as physically I do everything. I've been told by her doctor and other healthcare professionals that my husband and sisters are in denial. They tell other relatives, friends etc., that my mother in law is just fine. But there not with her 24/7 to see how she really is. When I tell my husband and sisters of some of the nasty and bizzare things my MIL does its like they don't hear it. But yes I will have to do more investigating on my own. Thank You.
Good luck, and may you continue to find the strength needed to do what needs to be done.
Again Thank You....
Second, he is putting her first instead of you which shows there is some emotional enmeshment between the two for his behavior sounds codependent.
Third, I would have that heart to heart talk you two need to have this evening, but at this point I'd avoid ultimatums.
Fourth, has she been evaluated by the doctor lately and does he go with her on these appointments so that he can hear from the doctor exactly what is going on and what your MIL needs in terms of care at this point?
Fifth, he does appear to be in denial about how bad off she is and that her dementia is only going to get worse.
Six, if your husband does not respond well after tonight, then I'd wait a few days to have another talk and this time lay out how this is threatening your marriage and family life which means you want the two of you to see a therapist together to get some advice from an objective third party as to how to handle it. Try to present it in such a way that it does not sound like you're wanting to drag him into see a therapist to straighten him out (although you are), but that ya'll as a couple need some help with this situation.
I wish you well with this mess.
It does not sound like your husband is in denial, at least not about his mother's disease. He may be in denial about what his behavior is doing to his marriage.
He knows that his mother cannot help her behavior. That the outbursts are malfunctions in her brain. That she needs and deserves loving care. He is right about all of that.
But the notion that he can/should make decisions alone about what goes on in your joint home ignores your needs. Marriage is a partnership. These kinds of decisions must be made in consultation with each other.
Some additional clarification, please. You refer to "my house" -- is it in your name alone, or is it jointly owned with your husband. I'm not familiar with the term "family day home." Is that a childcare business? Do you currently have clients? How does having MIL there impact the business? You have an 11-year-old. Is your husband her father? Just trying to see the full picture here.
When a little home is created for your MIL in 3 ot 4 months, who will be taking care of there, in your husband's plan? Will she have paid professional in-home care? Can she have that now, in your home, to lessen the strain and burden on you?
He lived with her in her townhouse while that was being sold. It is not clear to me that if you did issue an ultimatum who he would pick.
Marriage counselling sounds like a good idea to me.
Definitely, I would look into some marriage therapy for the two of you together. Also, if he will not do that, then I'd see a therapist for your own well being who probably could help you with setting some boundaries and consequences for when those boundaries are broken.
Praying for you and hoping for the best.
But I do have a useful tip.....my MIL is on a cath so what I did is....use those cloth bags that come with the new sheet sets that they come in! It has a nice flip Velcro fastener the catch bag fits perfect in it and it hides it very well and you caN still hang it anywhere and not have to worry about contamination!
Have a blessed day all! Thanks for being here!