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My father just died and my mom intends on having a memorial type service at Christmas at her home for immediate family. My brother and others are very inconsiderate and hurtful people and I have not seen them in years. They did not acknowledge my husband’s death 1.5 years ago. My son and I prefer not to attend. We don’t want to hurt my mom but could certainly honor my Dad, with my Mom in a different fashion, without the relatives. Is it wrong to not attend?

Don’t go for your father, he won’t know or care. Go for your mother if you wish, if you think that the rest of the family won’t keep her occupied, and if you are sure that there won’t be an upset between people who don’t like each other.

If you would prefer not to go, I’d suggest that you don’t make a big statement about it – tell M that you will try to come but you have an important appointment that you may not be able to alter. If you don’t make it, say that you will take M out to dinner yourself a week or so later.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I would go for mom. What you still share with your brother is grief over your father’s passing. I would, in addition, hire a chaplain to lead the service. If dad died on hospice, that’s a free service to the family.

Now that dad’s gone, it’s more advantageous for you two to be on civil terms when it comes to discussing moms needs going forward, such as who is tasked with poa.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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It's not wrong to not attend. It's your choice. Personally I would not attend with rude and inconsiderate family members who I haven't seen in years. It would be nice to send something to your mom as has been stated before, saying you love her and will come to visit another time. I choose peace. Best wishes to you.
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Reply to roadtrip54
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If you can’t bring yourself to go, send a big beautiful bouquet of flowers to the memorial and include a card telling your mom how much you love her and that you would like to come later and talk to her about doing something special in honor of your dad.

I don’t know your family dynamic but just know that if you don’t go you may be putting your mom in an awkward position with other guests on a day that maybe already difficult for her.

If you do decide to go, stick like glue to your mom’s side; nobody is going to be awful to you when you’re holding hands with a grieving widow.

I’m sorry for your loss.
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Reply to Peasuep
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This isn't about your brother and others who are inconsiderate. It's a memorial for your father, so in honor of him and your mother, I would attend.

My condolences on the loss of your dad, and also on your husbands passing a year ago.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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czechchick Nov 2, 2024
Thank you so much for the thoughtful answer.
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Not at all, honor your dad your way, and stay away from people that you don't feel respect you, and don't expect or push your son to go if you decide to.

Very sorry about your dad.🙏
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anxietynacy Oct 25, 2024
Just read others post, very different answers. Honestly there is no right or wrong here.

Do what you feel is right, and I'd wait until it gets closer to Christmas to decide, for sure. You May feel different
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If it was me I’d go for your mom’s sake .
I didn’t speak to one of my siblings at either of my parent’s funerals . When the second parent died , I did not attend the after funeral , family meal get together .

You could go and not stay the whole time .
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Reply to waytomisery
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
Thank you 💕
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That’s a very nice idea. Thank you!
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Reply to czechchick
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I would go for your Mom's sake. Who cares about your d-bag brother and others? You don't have to interact with them or even look at them at the get together. You don't have to stay long. Then support your Mom afterwards. Or, don't go at all but explain it to your Mom in advance and do your own private memorial with her separately.
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Reply to Geaton777
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
Thank you for the helpful reply.
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Your dad is dead and he doesn’t care. You can have your own memorial and plant some flowers in your garden in his memory or whatnot.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
That’s a very nice idea. Thank you!
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