I fly in every 8 -12 weeks to help out and stay 5-7 days. She started accusing me after my dad passed and his caregivers were out of the house. She will have nothing to do with caregivers coming to the home. She resented my father for needing that level of assistance. She's always had some sort of personality disorder but she is oblivious. She was an unaffectionate mother and always had some level of paranoia in her, but not it's just getting worse and now the accusations of stealing have switched from the caregivers to me, but not either of my brothers. One brother lives close to her still, but goes over sporadically "as needed". His daughter takes my mom to the grocery store and doctor appts (or I do when I am in town). My other brother also lives out of state and goes in maybe twice a year and he has her Health POA. He won't approach her to get checked for dementia, although he believes she has it. I take care of her bills, taxes and investments as the POA, but she will never think she's got a problem, she's never wrong, never apologizes for anything. She can't drive. She very hard of hearing and she can no longer read very well with wet macular degeneration. I do alot when I'm in aside from the finances. I take her to her appts, shopping, etc. I try to find visual aids to help her see. I'll repair things around her townhome as needed. I looked up her old boyfriends on ancestry and internet per her request to see if they were still alive, etc. As the daughter and oldest in my family, I have always taken on the responsibilities needed in the family. The brothers are passive mostly and are probably just happy she's not accusing them of stealing. A therapist has been advising me not to go visit anymore, but since I'm POA I do need to get certain things done. My mom still talks to me over the phone as I need her to send things to me for her taxes, but I notice it's all business (she hasn't ever really asked about my life in years). It's just so hurtful and difficult to anticipate being around her. I dread going and I usually need a few days to decompress after. I call it the Mom hangover. I just can't tolerate being accused of stealing when I'm not and I am the one who helps her the most outside of my niece whom she depends on for weekly shopping. Anyone have this problem and how do you get through it?
As POA, you should manage the input you need to do her taxes and have forms sent directly to you via internet. Your mother is not truly capable of handling her aspect of that now.
As for her accusations of stealing, that comes from paranoia. Paranoia is one of the first indications of dementia. I dealt with this with Rude Aunt, who accused me of taking money from my parents and also told people that I did it. I did not. My friend has accused our other friend of stealing every kind of thing from her house, including her underwear, but that didn't happen. Both of these ladies showed other signs of dementia as well.
One of the worst things you could do is be in denial that your mom has dementia. As long as you feel that way, mom's unlikely to get the help she needs.