Who tortures themselves for not going to see their parent or loved one in the NH, and yet just can't face it? What can I do to ease this pain?

Let the starting point here be the drinking. You get back in recovery today.

Stop making excuses for why you relapsed. Your anxiety, depression, feelings of guilt, your mother's stroke, or your love/hate relationship with her is not the reason you picked up the bottle again. So don't try to justify it to yourself.

Call your sponsor today (if you have one). If you don't, find an AA meeting and go to it. Go to as many as you need to get and stay sober again.

Your mother is not supposed to be your best friend. She's supposed to be your mother.
I am sorry to say, but your mother had a catastrophic stroke seven years ago as you say. Can you really expect your needs to matter to her after that?

You were her caregiver for six years. That was your choice to take on. Your mother could have been placed. You had a hard time with caregiving as so many of us do, and now that's finished.

A good therapist can help you work through all the unresolved feelings you have about caregiving and your relationship with your mother. I strongly encourage you to try therapy. AA meetings can also help because you need people to talk to.

You have a choice here. You will visit your mother, or you won't. Either way there are a lot of feelings that you have to work through. Please find a therapist. It can help so much.

I want you to know that there is life after caregiving. It may seem like there's not now, but there is. Good luck.

My brothers had this problem. But as the oldest, a girl and POA I had to be there on a regular basis to make sure my Mom was taken care of. Lisa's Dad is in an AL not a nursing home. There is quite a difference. My Mom was in both. AL and then a NH. She was treated well in both. I liked Moms NH because I never had to walk down the halls where the residents rooms are. Very depressing. They had a big Common area where you could visit. I stopped at the nurses station to tell them I was there and then into the common area where Mom was always found.

It is a depressing place. And it is hard to see them. But its not their fault or your fault that they are sick and where they need to be placed for care. You need to push that guilt way back because you did not cause her stroke. Its about Mom. Mom needs to see you, needs to know someone is there. I never spent all day with Mom. Maybe an hr or even less. My brothers never got beyond how they felt. They should have looked at it as how Mom felt. My DH went with me to get Mom settled in the AL and later LTC. He never went back. Thats OK. But I am sure he would have gone to see his Mom regularly even though it would have been the last place he would have wanted to be.

Can't relate at all. Except before my father went into assisted living I, and my father, totally abhorred the idea. But just days of him being there changed all that! It's the best place for him. 24/7 professional, loving, friendly care. What more could you ask for? I love visiting him and I do almost every day. We sit in one of the lounges and talk to other residents, go to the workout room and go on the machines, dine in the 24.7 restaurant. It's fantastic. It is essentially a "medical resort".

I stopped drinking decades ago and I am so much more healthy because of it. Alcohol is the worst! Some of my acquaintances did not stop and they are disasters now - alcoholic, unhealthy, legal troubles (dui's). That's not nearly as bad it can be though. I've seen the devastation alcohol does all through my life and it's just on and on misery and of course worse. Ruined families and mental degradation (brain damage) are not something that come to mind with alcohol but my goodness it's all over the place! Never drink again!

Lyndsyjane, I am so sorry you are in so much anguish. But which pain is worse? The pain caused when you visit mom in her diminished capacity or the anxiety that hovers around you because you need to visit mom but you're putting it off because the pain you fear. Of course, I don't know you or your exact situation, but for me, the ever-building anxiety would just wipe me out. Try visiting...at least you will have that off your plate. You don't have to stay long. Please also get some help with getting away from alcohol. It's not really a support, though it can numb your feelings for a bit...that reprieve feels good in the moment, but the moment doesn't last. Hugs to you.

Lyndsyjane,

Both of my parents are in a NH. The same one and they used to be together but they fought so the NH separated them to different wards. You don't need to know that, but it's part of the story.

I get your feeling guilt. I live across the country from my parents. They decided they would rather live in two different states, than live in a state one of their daughters lived in. So now they live in a state away from both my sister and I. I'm in CA my sister is in NC, my parents are now in NY where they had a home, and we sold their condo in FL because they were never going back and they needed the money. Again, you don't need to know all this but it's part of the story.

They made decisions. They had the money and could have lived in any state in the US that they wanted to. They decided to stay in NY even though my mom hated the winter (hence the FL condo). They needed help but did not want someone to come into "Their House". Mom has dementia (with all the side issues, hallucinations, paranoia, wandering, accusing people of stealing). So they were not safe in their home. Oh, my dad is blind but refuses to acknowledge it.

So why do I feel guilty? I live across the country and I absolutely hate the idea of calling them. In the beginning, I tried. My mom can't really hold a conversation and she is angry. My dad has been nice and does not complain but I do not know what to say to him. What do I ask him? How's the weather? He can't see and he does not go outside! What's he watching? He can't see! What is he doing each day? I've seen him/them in the NH, they sit in the hallway, facing the tv and either sleep or gaze blankly at the screen and again, he can't see! It's horrific! I know they did not think this is where they would end up but we gave them every option to choose how to solve their issues. Get in home care, nope they wouldn't do it. Move to a senior community of your choosing, nope they did not want to. So this is where they are. I feel horrible for them but I did not choose this. My dad fell and went to the hospital and they sent him to the NH. They will need their money that they saved to keep them comfortable in this NH. It's expensive, $32,000 a month for the two of them. I don't want their money but the only way to see them is to use their money to fly to NY and now we don't have their house to stay in so there are plane, restaurant, hotel and rental car bills. So I can't just go see them. They have no friends so they sit in this NH everyday. I write my dad every week but it's not the same.

So I feel your guilt. Is it fair, I don't know. Should I do more? If I answer yes, what do I do? Does calling help? I don't know. Did I cause this to happen, Absolutely not! Do I feel crappy that they are not where they thought they would be, Absolutely! Can I change things now, sadly no I cannot. So I try to get a decent nights sleep. I write to my dad every week and put my cell number at the bottom if he wants to call me (I always pick up and he did call 2x). I write my mom shorter notes and include pictures for her to look at. I got my dad a books on tape machine and I can order him new titles when he finishes what he has. Do I still feel guilty, yes.

I guess I wrote to tell you that I understand. No one can fix what is broken with your mom. You did a wonderful and caring thing and took her into your home. Do not beat yourself up. You did what you could, now take care of you. The alcohol, please be careful. I struggle with that as well. It does not ease the guilt and it fixes nothing, it just creates more pain for you.

I so wish you the best and I do hope I have at least let you see that you have done good things for your mom. More than many would do, myself included. You sound like a good person with a good heart and it is clear you love your mom. Now Love Yourself.

Thankyou so much for all your kind words ❤️

Lyndsy, What kind of supportive help are you seeking for the drinking problem that is currently clearly so disturbing to you?

Your Mom had a stroke. It clearly has altered and changed her, and this is so common in caregiving situations, and so disturbing to family.
You have wisely recognized that you could not continue in in-home care, and you placed her in care. I know that you recognize that the changes in her are no longer in her control, and that visits from you will be treasured. I am uncertain why they are so hard given all you have gone through together.

I am going to suggest you get help for yourself. Your mom hopefully in loving care. But the fact you have been sober for a year, and now are drinking again shows there are issues you should best resolve in care of your own.
Consider a licensed social worker in private counseling practice; they are often good at life transitions work.

A forum such as ours can offer you sympathy, but you need professional help now in order to work through things.
If you have ever attended AA meetings you know that falling off the wagon is more common, especially in times of stress and grief; it's almost the "norm", and that this is when you need help in mounting up again.

Remember always that you didn't cause your Mom's problems, you can't fix them, you can only give her your love. And do her honor by getting help for yourself.
I hope you will update us. The holidays are especially difficult for so many at this time.

I can relate. I placed my mother in a SNF almost three months ago. I don't feel very good about it. There are days when guilt hits me hard. When I go to visit, I also get really anxious. My anxiety increases when the visits aren't great. Currently, she is super angry that she is in a SNF. She has a tendency of getting really angry, to the point of being aggressive. She's certainly aggressive and hostile with the staff. I've looked into other options, but, unfortunately, most of the options are cost prohibitive. And I question whether placing her in a different facility would be any better. Yesterday evening, after seeing her for Thanksgiving (not a good visit), I noticed my anxiety was through the roof. So, I took some prescribed medicine to help calm me down. At some point, I realized that I was working myself up - worrying about things and trying to "fix" things when there aren't any viable paths at the moment. My brain is always trying to find the thing that I was missing or the thing that I overlooked thinking that I'm going to find a solution. When I can't find one, I tend to feel even more guilt on top the of the residual guilt that is already there. So, it becomes this negative feedback loop. Sometimes I can catch it. When I do, I try to do something that is positive and productive. I'm a musician, so I try to play music as much as I can. If I can't do that, I try to distract myself doing other thing. Distraction, when used properly, can be a very good coping mechanism. But, there are times when I don't catch the loop. And I think we all go through that in some way and cope with it in a myriad of ways, some good and some not good. I used to be a smoker, smoked about a pack a day. I quit in the middle of caregiving. There are times when I really want a cigarette, and there are times when I do have a cigarette, especially, during emergency visits, because it's the only thing that helps me cope. Navigating addiction, whatever it may be, is a process. And I think the best thing you can do is try to remember that you're human. You're not perfect. None of us are. Like other people have suggested, therapy is a good place to start. I, like most people on this site, participate in therapy, but, I must say, that this isn't necessarily a "cure all" either nor is medicine a "cure all." But, it might make things just a little bit less hard at certain moments.

I Use to see My Therapist Ken after visiting Mom and we also did cranial sacral therapy - He helped me greatly . Dealing with My Dads OCD and Mania I went to Community acupuncture sometimes twice a week - Try that .

I have found that some are cut out for it and some are not in terms of "dealing" with the anxiety and guilt. I assure you though, that you have nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to intent. Your intention was to help your mum. If you're drinking again, I emphatically suggest you get some professional support. This can only affect you worse in the long run and I whole heartedly hope that that does not happen.
Try to remember that your pain is not her pain visa versa. You must try to take care of you FIRST so that you can take care of mum with clarity. Your health is very important.
Holidays are tough. Memories have a way of drawing us in when it comes to "living grief". It can draw you in and it can keep you there. Please get support.

I'm sure most people relate.

I don't drink but I'm one of those people who lose my appetite when stressed. When I was caring for my mom and ultimately had to place her in full time nursing home care I lost weight and the guilt.............oh, the guilt.

But at some point you need to lose the guilt. It doesn't help anything and let's face it, if you didn't care you wouldn't be feeling guilty. So pat yourself on the back for caring.

Visit when you can. Does she have a phone you could call her on, on those days when it's just too much to be there in person? But please don't drink. Consider your own health. It's just as important that you stay well.

My mom was my best friend too and I understand perfectly.

You seem to feel responsible for your mother, for the fact that she had a catastrophic stroke, as though it were your fault. So you took her in for 6 years, to your own detriment, and suffered anxiety and depression which led to self medication with alcohol. Now that you've placed her in Skilled Nursing, you've gone back to drinking because you feel guilty for what you perceive as "abandoning" her and are again self medicating. Getting sober and staying sober takes an active plan, AA or a program with a sponsor, and finding other means of coping with your feelings besides numbing them with alcohol.

You're also angry because mom had a stroke at a younger age, putting your life out of balance as well as hers. It wasn't her fault such a thing happened, and you've likely been going thru the stages of grief over losing the mother who was your bff your whole life. Who's this new person you barely recognize???

That's the dreadful part of visits to the NH. Seeing your mom in her current state of debilitation. It's damn hard for you to gather up the courage to do that. I know, because I went to see my mother in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living after her dementia got bad. The ugly things she said to me were like knives piercing my heart. I'd get anxiety before going every time. But I'd go anyway, just never alone. I needed hubby there with me to support me. I wasn't brave enough to do it alone, and mom was always a lot meaner to me when I was by myself anyway.

Taking a drink is liquid courage. It takes the pain away for awhile. But, in the end, it creates more pain than it cures, as all addictive behavior does. Do what you have to do now for YOU and your own health. Mom is cared for in the NH. If you need time off, take it. Your #1 goal now is to get sober again and stay there. Most of us can't do it alone. Don't beat yourself up, just understand what you're doing and use it as a learning experience. No matter what you do, it won't change MOMS stroke situation. It is what it is. Don't ruin YOUR life for her health crisis. Live a healthy life in HER honor. You can do It! If I can do it, so can you. I've been sober since 2008 and I don't even think about taking a drink anymore, I haven't for YEARS. That albatross is off of my back and I thank God, but I also realize I'm but ONE DRINK AWAY from a relapse at any time. As all alcoholics are.

Treat yourself with loving kindness now, you deserve to. All the best.

You will find plenty of company on this forum! Many caregivers feel or have felt exactly as you do.

It’s physically and emotionally exhausting to be a caregiver!

People have found themselves leaning on something to ease the stress. It may be alcohol or food.

Many caregivers say that they have gained weight during their caregiving period. Others lose weight because they find it difficult to eat when stressed. We are all different and cope as best we can.

If you feel like your alcohol consumption is out of control, please address the issue, so it won’t make matters worse for you.

Have you considered speaking with a licensed therapist to discuss your situation? Or thought about joining an ‘in person’ caregiver support group?

You shouldn’t feel guilty about how you feel. Instead try to discover what the underlying reasons are for why you feel the way you do.

Do you feel that your emotions are self imposed or are outsiders attempting to make you feel guilty? Or is it a combination of the two things?

Please don’t allow other people to dictate how you feel. People can make suggestions but you are entitled to make your own decisions in life.

Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your life.