Who do I call to get help for me as a caregiver?

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Who do I call to get help for me as a caregiver?

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My mom got sick and was about to be thrown out of her condo. I let her come to stay with me under the agreement that she would go to assisted living when the situation was too much, and she agreed. That was all a lie, she never had any intention to go to an assisted living.
It has been 4 years and now my life is a blur. I take care of my mom, but she needs more help than I am able to give her. My health has gone down the drain. She does have dementia and it's getting worse.
My mom physically attacked me on my birthday, and I can't do this anymore. Where can I turn so that I can get her into a nursing home?
I don't know what to do. Who do I talk to?

Burnout Care Decisions Family Caregiver

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I would NOT force her into a nursing home, unless you want your mother dead! The neglect and abuse in these homes is off the charts.

Please take a moment to calm down and think about all your options. You could look into a in home care. There are programs that can help financially. We have one here called IRIS. But every state has programs that offer assistance. Check out what programs are available.

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I am unsure of where you are speaking but many of the homes in my area in Florida are very good. The only assistance here is Medicaid; and that is not immediate. And for someone AL level, in this area there are no Medicaid only facilities for AL. But there is for nursing home level of care.

My mom lives with me; and I know that I am only going to be able to provide care here at home for maybe another year as long as things go at this rate. But if her level of care drops much more or goes faster downhill, maybe less than a year. I'm exhausted, isolated, depressed and ready to be on my own again, hopefully go back to work, which is not an option right now.

So I really understand where the OP is coming from.

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mdebrosse1: Since you state further down this thread that "the bank wants the condo back" as this is your mother's condo where she used to reside, but was reported by neighbors for odd behavior, I suggest that you seek the services of an elder law attorney. She no doubt defaulted on the mortgage loan for the condo as why else would the bank want the condo back?

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We are encountering the same thing. My mother in law has Medicare and the one facility we can get her in has her on a waiting list! We are currently trying to get her on Medicaid through our dss office. They have sent a nurse and nurse practitioner to look a her but there are certain guidelines that have to be met to get her on hospice. They don’t see what we see and go through everyday. We need help! I know this isn’t much help but wanted you to know there is someone else going through what you’re going through!

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First of all, speak with an Eldercare attorney to get you started with a Power of Attorney, etc. so you can make decisions. Then contact Adult Protective Services and tell them she has attacked you, you are not in good health and can't take care of her. They will work with you to get her placed - you can't do it as these people will never cooperate - but they can. Get her out of your home and life by whatever means as quickly as possible. You deserve to live your own life. This is a good start.

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@mdebrosse1, I strongly recommend you consult an attorney ASAP.

1a. You wrote (* see asterisk below) that your mom’s bank wants the condo back, I assume for non-payment. An attorney can guide you as to whether or not your mom should just sign the papers over to the bank, or if that would screw up her hopes for being placed on Medicaid.
1b. An attorney may counsel you to not just hand the condo over to the bank, but to sell it and use the funds to pay for your mom’s placement in memory care, or in whatever care level she needs.
1c. If the condo hasn’t been lived in for four years, and has been empty, it could have by now become unliveable and almost-unsellable, example if hard water has fused the faucets, etc… In that case, handing the condo back to the bank might be wisest.
1d. You absolutely must have professional guidance on what to do about the condo so it will do least harm to placing your mother in a home of some sort.

2a. Alternatively, maybe you should just take the easiest way out for yourself, move your mom back into her condo and let her harass her elderly neighbors until they again call the authorities, who have already threatened to remove her from her condo. Let the authorities remove her and find a place for her.
2b. Whatever you do, refuse to be involved when the authorities try to strong-arm you into taking her back into your own home and your own care. You would have to stay strong, and wash your hands of her completely and let the state take over, but it sounds like that’s the point you’re at anyway.

I send you my sympathies for the tough situation you’re in.
- end -

* here is your reply to JoAnn29 that I refer to: “She owned her condo but she went knocking on people's door from 12-1 in the morning asking the residents about weird things. These residents were elderly. They called an agency on her and told me if I don't step in they will have her removed from her home. She doesn't want to go back to her condo. The bank wants the condo back. I did everything I could and now I am drowning.”

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It is time for you to take care of you. Of course she doesn't want to leave. She has a free 24/7 servant at her beck and call. Duh. Lol. I wouldn't leave either.
You have to decide that you are done. Never ask the incompetent when they are ready. They will never be ready.
Call nursing homes and set up visits. Without mom. Find one you like. Ask them to walk u thru the process.
They will help you transfer her or have ideas how to get her in there.
I stayed with a woman that was new to the facility. Her mom paid for a carer to watch over her, over night, so she didn't try to escape. It was a locked facility, but it was just in case. She cursed me something awful. I went out in the hall and sat in a chair and didn't interact. It was very abusive. But she was mad she was there. Tried her best to get me to interact so she could curse me some more. Can't blame her. They should have helped with anxiety meds. I found someone who got a nurse and they gave her something to calm her so she could sleep. I'm so glad.
Good luck.

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I fully agree my mil lives with us and I know it’s time for her to go. She is abusive and curses us out or throw things and even hits us. My husband her son is having a difficult time because she will not listen to him she is like a child , she wants to do the opposite. I don’t know but I don’t think she means to but it is stressful. He will never retaliate his mothers actions but he does raise his voice it’s just human when we can not deal with things. I try to help but when the voices get raised it’s not something I want to get in the middle of. I tell my husband after the fact that he needs to calm down because she is reacting from yo I tell him. He is always like I know I know but I have no clue what I am doing. I keep telling him let me help and sometimes he does. He especially lets me help in the evenings after I have worked 8 hours as a preschool teacher. and on the weekends I am always home with her only talking to MY mom on the phone as he goes and do what he wants or needs to do. She goes to adult daycare from 8 am to 1:45pm Monday through Friday. We have her on hospice and doctors, nurse practitioner, nurse and cna has come out a couple times this week as it has just started. They are helping us to get her in a facility but nothing so far but like I said we just started. I don’t know how much longer he will last.

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I would contact social services and explain it to them.

Or take her to the hospital and inform them that she has become dangerously psychotic. Then, just leave her there.

Have a camera and film her abuse and inform the police she is violent and you fear for your life. It is your place and you have the right to evict her if nessesary.

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Your financial condition has no bearing on your mother’s ability to qualify for Medicaid. Most states require assets/income to be around $2000 month. It varies by state.

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Call A Place for Mom. They advise on placements and have a lot of info. Be aware that they get paid on assisted living placements but do not get paid on nursing home placements so they may push strongly encourage that direction.

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Liz, Good question. My husband is very disabled, full braces on both legs, urinary problems, sleep problems, kidney disease, heart issues, and I have been his sole caretaker since he started to go down hill, 10 years ago. so I do understand your frustration and fears. I don't know where you live, and what the area might have to offer, but you have to plan, make a list and keep track of everything you do. I have talked to home nursing care (in my state you have to have less that 33,000 in savings/income/investments/retirement before you get any finanical help from Medicaid or other insurance companies. IF you do qualify, your mother could apply for Medicaid. I called local churches to see if any one was interested to. help me around the house for a minimal fee or contribution to the church, I talked to social workers with the hospital we use but they could not advise any one person or place to us and just told me the companies/homes available in my area with no guidance to the best one. But you have to go to any place you are interested in and interview anyone you can. Most towns/cities have some sort of dept for the aging, but I have yet to try them. There is some financial help out there, but you have to find it, Beware of home nursing companies as they can keep calling and calling and not take no for an answer, but you have to call as many as possible and make clear what your needs are. Unfortunately, you have to deal with Covid, at least I feel strongly about it, especially in nursing homes I feel every caretaker and administrator must have been vaccinated, with proof of it and wear masks, but that is me. You will have to make that decision-ask your doctor. Your Mom might need to be tested for dementia as her behavior seems to be leaning in that direction. My husband is loosing track of time, where he is, and conversations, how to do things, but has not shown any violence, but by the end of the day I am exhausted, depressed and worried as I do everything there is to do as you probably do. The hardest thing to do is explain to your mother that you can't keep going like this. It is not healthy for you or for her. Her health is failing and yours is being affected. The stress can be overwhelming and you are right to search out for help. But you are in charge. Don't let anyone take you into something you aren't comfortable with. Don't give up. Missy

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Are you legally able to make decisions for her financially and medically?
If so with the diagnosis of dementia YOU can place her in Memory Care. Do not put her in Assisted Living with dementia Memory Care is a better option.
If you are responsible she can not refuse to go. YOU are the one that gets to make that decision that where she lives is a healthier, safer place.
If you do not have the legal ability to do this the next time she threatens you or harms you in any way you call 911 (or whatever EMS service you have) and tell the dispatcher that transport is needed to the hospital. You are being threatened and you are afraid you or a family member will be harmed or that your mother will harm herself.
Once at the hospital talk to the hospital Social Worker and tell them that she can not be discharged back to your home, you are unable to safely care for her.

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I've been in your boat. My mom lived with Hubby and me for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. When she first moved in, her symptoms were so subtle, that I didn't pay too much attention to them. I told my mom that if either of us felt that she couldn't or shouldn't drive anymore, that she should voluntarily relinquish her keys and she agreed. She said she wouldn't endanger her life or others. That was spoken by a relatively sane woman, but as the disease progressed, so did her reluctance to give up the car keys. Luckily, her car stopped working, and I drove her everywhere anyway. When she first moved in, she also said that if it became necessary, she'd move into Assisted Living. That, too, was said by a woman with a mostly intact mind. Things that are said in a theoretical, hypothetical way, are different than when reality strikes.(Assisted Living just didn't work.) I agree with the suggestion of others, to contact your Area on Aging and/or the Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org, I think).

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Call your local authorities. They know all the social services in your area and can help you connect with them.

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In hindsight ... maybe this is a blessing for all of us. When we take anyone into our home and we really don't what it to be permanent, we should give the ultimatums. "You can stay with me but you need to find other living arrangements within 30 days" Or with your Mom, she went right from her Condo to an AL.

She owned her Condo, correct. So what did she do that they were able to "kick" her out?

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She owned her condo but she went knocking on people's door from 12-1 in the morning asking the residents about weird things. These residents were elderly. They called an agency on her and told me if I don't step in they will have her removed from her home. She doesn't want to go back to her condo. The bank wants the condo back. I did everything I could and now I am drowning.

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I agree with the others who posted, call your area on aging services ( whatever it’s called in your area). They can answer your questions and come out and do a needs assessment for your mom.
i do have one important question for you, when your mother physically attacked you, why did you not call 911??? Did she leave any physical marks on you anywhere? Please, for your own safety and sanity, document everything she does, ie. screaming, scratching you, hitting you,etc. take a video of her doing these things on your phone, if you do call 911, tell EMS that she’s having a psychotic break or whatever and that you need her to be seen by a dr at hospital who deals with dementia patients. If they tell you she will be released to go back home, talk to discharge social worker or nurse and tell them there is no one to take care of her. Do not let them bully you with promises of all this help,etc, because that won’t happen.
please take time to look around on this forum and your eyes will hopefully be opened as to what demented elders can and will do. Welcome to the forum and please take care of you first! Liz

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Yes, that is a direction to take as well.

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Please call your Agency on Aging. They go by a lot of different names but they can be very, very helpful in terms of, at the very least, who else you can go to— but in a good case they can give you info on everything from insurance to hospice to the kind of choices you need to make now. You won't regret that phone call.

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Thank You for your advice. I so appreciate it. I will look into this.

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Your local Agency on Aging would be the first stop. You can get a needs assessment done and possibly get some assistance. If you can't make any progress after consulting with them, or if the assistance is insufficient, you can call your state's elder (or adult) protection services. They normally investigate abuse allegations, but you can also use them to help yourself. You have to convince them you are no longer able to provide safety for your mom and you need them to take guardianship of her. This may not be easy, but it can be done if done the right way.

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Thank You so much for giving me this information.

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Who do I call to get help for me as a caregiver?

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