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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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You feel that the mother you are currently caregiving treated you like the dirt on her shoe. Now that mother has Parkinsons and Cancer at the YOUNG age of 63. Guess the universe slapped a bit of "karma" on HER, didn't it (for those who believe in that nonsense).
I understand you didn't enter this Forum as a new member for SYMPATHY because you are very angry, almost at war with the world, and what you have written isn't meant to garner sympathy. Good, because I am not the sympathetic type.
YOU who have made the decision to stay with this woman, who--despite her cancer and her Parkinson's is only 63, my daughter's age. I repeat: YOU (underline that) have made the DECISION to STAY.
Whatever the severe limitations of hers that made her unable to mother, we cannot know. Despite them you are now a GROWNUP for two decades. Grownups make their own decisions and grownups are responsible for their choices.
This is about YOU. You are the one who wrote us. If you would like to make a good, quality and happy life for yourself then I suggest you move 1,000 miles away from the mother you find "disgusting", and do that.
As to dying? If she is indeed dying of her cancer, then you are soon enough shed of her, aren't you? Leave. You are doing yourself no good. And I doubt you are doing HER any good either. Make a decent life with people surrounding you who are not "disgusting".
There are many here on Forum who are unfailingly KIND. That's not me. I will be them when I grow up, but at 81 I call them like I see them. Sorry to have come down on you like a barrel of cement, but I can find no sympathy for what you chose to tell us in your first post.
Good luck. You DESERVE a decent life, but you will have to MAKE that for yourself.
"I'm trying to care for a mother who treated me like the dirt on her shoe.
I am caring for my mother... who is 63 years old, living at home with age-related decline, cancer, mobility problems, and parkinson's disease."
If your Mother still has cognitive capacity, then she can contact social services for her county to get help that doesn't include you.
If she is beyond being able to help herself:
You are under no obligation to provide any of her care or care management. But you have to be willing to accept the option.
You contact social services for her county to get an assessment for her and a caseworker. Then you stop providing any care and allow the court to assign her a legal guardian. The guardian will eventually find placement for her and she will get housing and medical care and the guardian will manage all her affairs and make all decisions.
You do realize that we all get old and die, unless of course, we die young? One day, this will apply to you, as it will to us all. Please know that an angry, burned out caregiver is no good to the one being cared for, and equally no good to oneself. Take steps to remove yourself from the arrangement for the good of you both
You take Geaton's advice and stop caring for her right away. You need peace in your life and mother needs someone caring for her at end of life who has no past history with her causing feelings of disgust to crop up.
Can I just first clarify that being 63 years old(as your profile says your mother is)is NOT old. Good Lord, I'm 64, and will be 65 in August and I am far from being old. So now that I've clarified that I will also clarify again(as I seem to have to say this a lot on this forum)that anyone that was abused in any way by a parent or anyone else SHOULD NEVER take on the care of that person. EVER. PERIOD. So you now must ask yourself the question as to why you have chosen to take on your mothers care. Is it because you believe that you deserve to stay as dirt on her shoe, or is it that perhaps you are in hopes that in some small way she will show you the love that you never received from her as a child? Either way, this nonsense has to stop and you are the only one that can stop it. So let your mother know that you are done with caring for her and that she will have to be placed in the appropriate facility, as you deserve better and so does your mother, especially if she is in fact dying. I mean who wants to be around an angry and disgusted caregiver(daughter or not)in their final days. So do both of you a favor and turn in your caregiving hat to those that are neutral, and that will give her the proper care without disgust.
I find your question a little disturbing. Maybe because of ageism remark. Maybe because I am in similar situation with my husband who has Parkinson and recurrence of cancer possibly as symptoms point to that, and like your mother all of it is too soon. We will know soon more which I am dreading knowing intuitively something is not right. Yet, at this time he needs compassion and understanding, but not pity. I don’t know why you are taking care of your mother but you need to stop. She needs better care.
I find her question VERY disturbing and it has little to do with ageism. She is clearly wrong on that one says this 81 year old with a 62-going-on-63-y/o-daughter who remains a vision of beauty attending every concert she can get to. That said, there is so much amiss in this whole thing that the age question almost becomes a tag-on. Lordy!
Good points by others. I'm going to do what I often do on the forum which is to look at your question literally and to the point, and answer it. Anyway, to go into long advice is not possible as you have not given us very many details.
Anyway, to the cruz of the question: " What can I do about feeling disgust....."
Well, you seem to be feeling disgust. What can you do about that feeling? 1) get therapy/ counseling. It may or may not work to deal with/ solve the feelings, but it sure appears you are in a stressful situation, so counseling really is needed/helpful 2) Without knowing the details, but, in general, if an elderly parent is leading to you feeling disgust, then, as others have mentioned, figure out how to spend less or zero time with her would be the ultimate solution then.
I'm just being very cut and dry with the answer as we dont have enough details to really delve into your situation .
I've been where you are and let me tell it plainly you HAVE to get away from your mother. You (like I was) are the last person on earth who should be a caregiver to your mother because there's just too much history and animosity between the two of you.
Can I ask a question here?
Are you financially dependent on your mother? If you are this complicates things. It means that you don't have your own money and are at her mercy and she can behave however she wants to you.
You have to get away from her for your own sake. Start by getting a job if you don't have one. Go online and look for things like transitional housing in your area where you can move to and they will help with permanent housing.
Do you have any family or friends who would let you stay with them?
No more being your mother's caregiver. She can be set up with homecare services or she can go to a nursing home.
See a therapist. Understanding why you can't feel pity or sadness for the pending loss of a mother is important for you to know. The dying body is usually not pain free. Personally, I practice radical empathy for any human who is suffering, and I do my best to bring comfort. The fact that you are concerned about your feelings is a good sign. Please, for your own sake explore this with a experienced therapist who can discuss death and dying. Perhaps look into hospice for your mother, if she is not already receiving this service.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now that mother has Parkinsons and Cancer at the YOUNG age of 63. Guess the universe slapped a bit of "karma" on HER, didn't it (for those who believe in that nonsense).
I understand you didn't enter this Forum as a new member for SYMPATHY because you are very angry, almost at war with the world, and what you have written isn't meant to garner sympathy. Good, because I am not the sympathetic type.
YOU who have made the decision to stay with this woman, who--despite her cancer and her Parkinson's is only 63, my daughter's age.
I repeat:
YOU (underline that)
have made the DECISION to
STAY.
Whatever the severe limitations of hers that made her unable to mother, we cannot know.
Despite them you are now a GROWNUP for two decades.
Grownups make their own decisions and grownups are responsible for their choices.
This is about YOU. You are the one who wrote us.
If you would like to make a good, quality and happy life for yourself then I suggest you move 1,000 miles away from the mother you find "disgusting", and do that.
As to dying? If she is indeed dying of her cancer, then you are soon enough shed of her, aren't you?
Leave. You are doing yourself no good.
And I doubt you are doing HER any good either.
Make a decent life with people surrounding you who are not "disgusting".
There are many here on Forum who are unfailingly KIND. That's not me. I will be them when I grow up, but at 81 I call them like I see them. Sorry to have come down on you like a barrel of cement, but I can find no sympathy for what you chose to tell us in your first post.
Good luck. You DESERVE a decent life, but you will have to MAKE that for yourself.
"I'm trying to care for a mother who treated me like the dirt on her shoe.
I am caring for my mother... who is 63 years old, living at home with age-related decline, cancer, mobility problems, and parkinson's disease."
If your Mother still has cognitive capacity, then she can contact social services for her county to get help that doesn't include you.
If she is beyond being able to help herself:
You are under no obligation to provide any of her care or care management. But you have to be willing to accept the option.
You contact social services for her county to get an assessment for her and a caseworker. Then you stop providing any care and allow the court to assign her a legal guardian. The guardian will eventually find placement for her and she will get housing and medical care and the guardian will manage all her affairs and make all decisions.
Being a caregiver is draining emotionally and physically. It will only become harder for you to do. It’s never going to get easier.
Best wishes to you.
So now that I've clarified that I will also clarify again(as I seem to have to say this a lot on this forum)that anyone that was abused in any way by a parent or anyone else SHOULD NEVER take on the care of that person. EVER. PERIOD.
So you now must ask yourself the question as to why you have chosen to take on your mothers care. Is it because you believe that you deserve to stay as dirt on her shoe, or is it that perhaps you are in hopes that in some small way she will show you the love that you never received from her as a child?
Either way, this nonsense has to stop and you are the only one that can stop it.
So let your mother know that you are done with caring for her and that she will have to be placed in the appropriate facility, as you deserve better and so does your mother, especially if she is in fact dying.
I mean who wants to be around an angry and disgusted caregiver(daughter or not)in their final days. So do both of you a favor and turn in your caregiving hat to those that are neutral, and that will give her the proper care without disgust.
Maybe because of ageism remark.
Maybe because I am in similar situation with my husband who has Parkinson and recurrence of cancer possibly as symptoms point to that, and like your mother all of it is too soon. We will know soon more which I am dreading knowing intuitively something is not right.
Yet, at this time he needs compassion and understanding, but not pity.
I don’t know why you are taking care of your mother but you need to stop. She needs better care.
That said, there is so much amiss in this whole thing that the age question almost becomes a tag-on. Lordy!
Anyway, to the cruz of the question: " What can I do about feeling disgust....."
Well, you seem to be feeling disgust. What can you do about that feeling? 1) get therapy/ counseling. It may or may not work to deal with/ solve the feelings, but it sure appears you are in a stressful situation, so counseling really is needed/helpful
2) Without knowing the details, but, in general, if an elderly parent is leading to you feeling disgust, then, as others have mentioned, figure out how to spend less or zero time with her would be the ultimate solution then.
I'm just being very cut and dry with the answer as we dont have enough details to really delve into your situation .
I've been where you are and let me tell it plainly you HAVE to get away from your mother.
You (like I was) are the last person on earth who should be a caregiver to your mother because there's just too much history and animosity between the two of you.
Can I ask a question here?
Are you financially dependent on your mother? If you are this complicates things. It means that you don't have your own money and are at her mercy and she can behave however she wants to you.
You have to get away from her for your own sake. Start by getting a job if you don't have one. Go online and look for things like transitional housing in your area where you can move to and they will help with permanent housing.
Do you have any family or friends who would let you stay with them?
No more being your mother's caregiver. She can be set up with homecare services or she can go to a nursing home.
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