My mom has lived with my husband and I for two years. I have treasures this time with her and we are very close. My husband and I have only been married for three years and still feel like newlyweds. He travels a lot for work and would like for me to come with once in awhile but that's very difficult unless we move Mom to a Respite Care facility. We've lost our ability to be spontaneous. To be honest, I feel like I'm in the middle of my Mom and my husband. He has been so patient but he's really wants to have our lives back. And if and when we do move Mom I will still be taking her to doctor apts. and handling all of her affairs so it's still caregiving but not 24/7. My Mom is very tight with money and wants her inheritance to go to my two brothers and I but we've told her it's her money and she should spend it. She has enough to cover maybe five years in a nursing home. This upsets my husband tremendously because he feels like he's being used. My mom lives here with us for free so she can give her money to us kids when she's gone. I'm looking for advice as to what/how we should say to her. She's going to be crushed and I'm just dreading the conversation. And since she has experienced Nursing homes this past couple of years when either we're out of town or she's been in Rehab, we know she won't get the level of care I give her each and everyday. Sadly these homes are all understaffed. Any advice would be great, thanks!
I have had some of this attitude with my mother. She has excellent LTC insurance, but has told me she never wants to use it (because heirs will get the premiums back). Well, I'm the only local sib (and only female), and so does she think I'm going to be her personal attendant? NO WAY. Whatever she might think as she declines further, this is not going to happen. My 3 brothers are fully aware of this.
Just don't put her into a nursing home, unless that's what your mother truly wants for herself.
Just remember to expect the same from your children, as you will be the example to go by.
Speak to your brothers.
Do you homework first before you talk to her. Start visiting places, see what's out there I found out that the farther I went out - away from the city, the costs would be lower. I placed my mom in a very nice facility in the country that is about an hour away, but half the cost of something nearer to me. I am very happy with it and I do not feel that they are understaffed. It's good to get an idea where you want her, because most of the time there are waiting lists, so it may be a while before you can place. Then when you find a place, talk to her about an senior living community - not a nursing home. A Place for Mom was very helpful to me.
Most places are very accommodating for future residents to come out, visit and have lunch. Good luck, it's never easy.
I talked with her about assisted living and she agreed to go look at a few with me.
There were a lot of "rest homes" in her area but all the ones we saw made living there look like something contagious, and I emphatically said so. We repeatedly told her she could/should come live with us but she had good emotion-based reasons not to and I knew that it would be a tremendous challenge for us all, given the already strained relationships.
One night while I was visiting her she fell on the floor at night, and finding a can of hairspray which she thought to be a flashlight, she crawled around til I awakened and found her. From then on I she started to listen when I told her it was no longer safe to live alone. I enlisted the neighbor in this campaign, and also asked Mom's doctor to start playing the bad guy in my behalf. It wasn't long until she consented
to move the 600 miles from her beloved home to join us.
After an initial visit, she came to understand why we would need to add on to our house for her rather than just offering her the extra bedroom. By selling her house, and using the proceeds, we could do it. Of course, then she would have to work at adapting too, but would be relieved of the responsibilities of maintaining her house. Again that beloved neighbor helped by supporting our goals.
When it finally all came together and Mom moved in with us, it was an ongoing struggle emotionally, but we found her an excellent doctor who she trusted and he was able to influence her too. Mom was with us for just a couple of years, and after she died we found out just why she had been so emotionally unbalanced for most of her life.
And it was all worth the struggles.
#1 Your mother suffers a trauma, e.g. stroke or CAD.
#2 If so, YOU don't have the wherewithal to care for her.
#3 She then must be moved to an SNF, which will have to be covered through private pay or applying for Medicaid.
#4 You will only fool yourselves if you think your mom's health will stay the same because it will not.
Above all, stop the guilt and stop beating yourself up. You've gone way above and beyond helping her. It's time you get to enjoy some time with your husband and build a life together.
And another thing... When my grandma had to go to a nursing home, my uncle, who was not married at the time, visited her for several hours every day. He found a home fairly near to where he lived, and during the hours he was with her, he took care of her and made sure that the nursing staff took care of her, too. I have worked in those places, and I know how little the staff can do for patients, and it is good if a family member can still care for a loved one. That way, you don't feel so guilty about placing her there, and your mother still feels cared for. If she is able, you can even bring her back to your home for an hour or two sometimes, or take her out to dinner or whatever. The important thing is that she feels that even though she is physically not in your home, she is still a part of your lives.
Just my advice...
What I would suggest is that you talk to social workers and/or a therapist (short-term) with your husband if he is willing to go to sort this out. It is a given that transition and changes are difficult for just about all of us. It will be important for you (and your husband) to be clear on your own needs and boundaries and decisions you both make BEFORE you approach your mom so you are on as solid footing (psychologically and emotionally) as possible and not deterred by her response(s) - whatever they are. You know now that she won't be a happy camper, of course. Prepare yourself. You want to feel good about your decision while knowing it is - or will be - hard and painful FOR A TIME for all concerned. It isn't all 'good' or all 'bad' -- it is a matter of giving them [your feelings] all a voice and acknowledge them all (as I am trained, sub-personalities or one of parts - with the 'self' watching all the parts vying for attention). In other words, you can feel bad or sad in talking to your mom about the move that is necessary while knowing in the long run, feel weird or elated when she signs the contracts to move-in . . . YOU KNOW it will be the healthiest for all concerned - her, you and your husband, and the marriage itself.
I think if you start to investigate elder care facilities and discuss your feelings that you will gain tremendous support and guidance to know how to proceed with the actual placement transition. They are accustom to dealing with these transitions - this is what they do and they will be able to provide you immense support.
Remember to give your mom time to adjust and maintain your equanimity in the process (this is where a good interim therapist might be very valuable for you/r husband) - - to sort out all the complex feelings and allow yourself time to heal while going through these inevitable life transitions. I applaud you for reaching out to this network/resource. It is invaluable.
I think you need to determine your marriage comes first.
On the other hand, my father-in-law was a very stubborn man, one night he fell and could not get up, he laid on the floor for hours, even though my mother-in-law was in the house.She took sleeping pills and wasn't awakened.
My wife and sister-in-law both live 45 miles away, My wife is stern and knows how to handle them. She laid down the law and told them they were going to have to move to the assisted living facility. Which is in their very small home town. She told them they could not give up their jobs to stay with them. At our assisted living facility age doesn't really matter that much as long as they are 50 or older.
Carol
I heard on Our Local Radio that here in Ireland more than two thirds of the Elderly Who are in full time Care Here could actually be Cared for at home in Their own Homes. That's a shameful statistic, and I am so glad We Cared for Our Parents at Home.