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What I don't understand is why she was moved into a facilty an hour away from you or why you would so such major changes for what you say was only meant to be temporary. It's also not logical that you would introduce her into your social circle if it was only temporary.
Who paid for the changes to your home? Her or you? And why isn't she closer to you than an hour? Weren't there any assisted living facilities closer? After all, if you were willing to do such major things for a temporary period, you'd think that you'd have wanted her closer to you where you could continue to be involved in her care.
You sound amazingly like somone I know who says all the right things to the relatives who live in other places, but whose idea of helping is demanding that she be given final approval over anything that Mama asks to be gotten with Mama's own money. Once again, if a person doesn't help, they shouldn't whine about where the money goes.
in retrospect I know we've sort gotten off topic, but seeing the full thread of posts helps keep it all in perspective I guess.
Mayasbop - even when my Mom was with me, it was because we were moving her from her home town and we knew all along that staying with me was temporary until we found a good facility. My home has challenges for her and the longer she was there, the riskier it got and the more risks she would take. I think she liked it here but she has always sworn she'd never want to be a burden :) I think all parents say that.
I knew my mom took care of me when I was young and could not take care of myself. I do it for the love and respect she gave me. When times get really tough, I think back to that, those tears dry up, and more love pours, I'll make the favorite cake she loves. I do it for the love. When I was a child, she discovered I had chicken pox - all over. I remember how scared and itchy I was, when I showed her, her reply was "for the love of God". As a child, I was confused. If god loved me, why did he put those red dots on me and make me itch so bad. I think back to how funny that is to me now, so when I say 'for the love' I do giggle, I do it because I do love her, then I think how funny it is now to think 'for the love of God,". Someday, when she is gone, I will probably be so bored without her, I will have more time on my hands, until then, I do suffer at times with exhaustion. I am not doing it for people to pity me, nor get attention. I will do something to help others out there when I get that time on my hands, until then, I do appreciate all the time God has given me with her, good and bad. My co workers told me that I need to write a book and share all the giggles that do come out of it. It is not making fun on her behalf, it is the things that happen, I find a humorous side, and get through it. The one thing I did find is when a sibling says "what you need to do is". when they do nothing but tell me what they think. That takes what little energy I do have and wipes it out. I am seeking a way to giggle my way through that. Working full time, school part time, when I get home to mom, my other full time job starts. But I do thank god every moment I have that I can do all this. and Bless all of you that do pick up the phone, and do pick up your mom, take her for a visit, offer the caregiver a break. Maybe I am nieve to know there are people out there that really don't do it for the same reasons I do. I find people that take from the elderly or disable to be a waste of skin, and just pray for them.
Amazing posts. So many people who are left out because one child wants to take and control all the money, so many who are left with all the work to do. Seems so few that communicate well with each other. I have always read that how you were treated as a child, is how things play out when your parents are in need. I am experiencing the same treatment I got as a child. There just has to be a better way.
Faith11 I am sorry your situation is so challenging and difficult. You are taking care of her and you are the ugly duckling? I am so sorry, that is incredibly hurtful and it's a testiment to your character that you continue to take care of your mother and do the right thing even though she praises the other sibs and not you. Like you said, try to do the best YOU can so that 'later on' you won't look back and have regrets. God bless you.
You know, my older sister only became concerned once our mother informed her that I was the beneficiary on her life insurance, a policy that is one-quarter of what she had when she was still working and will decrease in value the older she gets. It was done without my knowledge or consent because the government required that a SSN be listed for the beneficiary. She didn't know that in advance and didn't have the time to track down my siblings to obtain theirs. She yelled out "What's your social?" I yelled it back to her and after the folks who came out to go over her retirement paperwork left, then and only then did I know why she asked. Whatever is left will be divided amongst all four of her children, period. I don't know right now if any will be left after her funeral and any other bills of hers have been paid, but if there is, it will be divided. It's what she wants and it's what she'll get.
Younger sister works for an insurance company and she understood why it was done. So did brother. Older sister nearly drove off in a ditch when our mother told her.
Two years ago, when our mother nearly died, I had a job and medical and a few benefits. Older sister was living across town and when our mother needed someone to sleep over at night for a few weekends while I worked, older sister refused. She left and we haven't heard from her since. In the meantime, I had to give my job up, my medical and maybe even my freedom afterwards because older sister likes to threaten. I stress over needing a pair of five dollar shoes from Family Dollar because I never know what else is coming. I pay the bills with my mother's permission. I do all her shopping, all her cleaning and all her care. In the last week, she nearly died again and had emergency surgery for complications from wire mesh left over from cancer surgery in 1994. I made sure that everyone knew, but did older sister or anyone in her family even call the hospital to see how she was? Nope.
She doesn't have a whole lot of things and she can't spend hundreds of dollars at a time on sister's grown children any longer. Now, oldest grandchild tells me that it wasn't convenient to come across town to see her. Uh huh.
The truth is that before people start talking about money, they'd better doggone well be helping. I've watched pennies to pay off old credit card debt of hers. And my health is suffering for all the stress. I think people who are so concerned about finances need to have put in more than six weeks of caregiving before they start accusing anyone who does do the work of anything nefarious. I've done my mother's caregiving for seventeen years and I don't spend a dime on me unless it's absolutely necessary, but I'm the one who has to deal with every bit of the day to day that her other three kids get to ignore.
So, the way I feel is that no one should have the right to come in behind me and question ANYTHING, especially the ones who refuse to even communicate with their mother or grandmother, much less actually help. And I do mean no one.
Faith11, bless your heart. I hope things get better for you. I have read so many posts from people who have no help. It is just not fair. But your heart is good and you will always know you have done the right thing for your Mom.
No voice, thanks. The one submission I read, it sounded just like the rest of my 4 siblings, now reading this, thank you for clarifying the whole picture. Just keep in mind - IF your sister is doing it all because she thinks she can handle it- one day, she will wake up tired, and need help. NEVER give up asking if you can help. That when my siblings do ask me, even if there is nothing to do- I feel supported. It is when I have to ask them to at LEAST call her, and they don't - I feel doomed. Yes, I too have done all of the above you meantioned, just days like this - when she kept me up most of the night, I do have a short fuse. And no tolerance for ignorance. You are doing all you can do, just don't stop. I do understand gas prices, try calling more often then, With dementia or dementia/altz. I find they remember the past more than the immediate past. Keep her memory remembering you and your family. My mom just thinks her sons are 'wonderful' and her daughter is 'amazing', yet I am the ugly one. Do you have any idea of just how bad that hurts? Yes, I cry, then consider where it came from, then pray for the strength to always feel god's love and guide me. Somehow, I do get through the bad moments, the minute one of my siblings say something so stupid, I do loose it though. I asked for help so I can take a much needed break, 2-3 days. My ONLY break in 12 years now - seems they all have a life to live, plans of their own, and not one even considered how run down I am. I could take her money and hire someone, but I do remember the last time - I know I'd rather stay home then do that again. NoVoice, my best advice to you - continue doing and trying to offer help. Remember that your mom will not be here much longer, enjoy every minute you can. I do know, without wishing bad upon anyone, those who do wrong - it will someday, come back to haunt them. IF your sister is stealing your mom's money, let it go. for now. JUST YOU DO THE RIGHT thing, give love, offer and give support. Most of all - love and respect your mom. I found my siblings to be selfish and self centered, they only think of themself and 'their vacation time'. I can not tell you the last time i had a 3 day vacation. Your mom being in an assisted living is good, just you try to figure out where the $$ is going and exactly how much of it is being spent for your mom. Maybe if you can come up with those figures, then have a pow wow with the other siblings, you can find a gentle approach to ask. As you can see by MY personal mode now - it is all in the way you present it. and I am sorry, I meant no bully. I hope your mother knows how lucky she is to have you for a daughter.
I feel I am doing all I can for my mother. I have offered to take Mom to doctor appointments but as I am not healthcare POA I don't know if doctors would even talk with me. My sister is very close, I am an hour away. She has her teenage daughter also run errands with her. How wise that is with an elderly grandmother with dementia I'm not sure, but it's not my call. Again, my sister asks for NO help, with doctors, she is healthcare POA, there are only 6 bills a month to pay. My sister asks for no help with that. All I can do is visit and call my Mom, and I have been taking my daughters up and we've been playing games with her and intend to continue doing so. With gas prices as high as they are I can't afford to go frequently. My sister is within 10 minutes(yes the one in control of everything). Again, Mom is in assisted living and is taken care of very well. She likes it. There isn't as much for any of us daughters to do since she is in a facility.
for the 6 weeks she lived with me I never asked for any reimbursement and I don't want any. We took Mom to dinners and to some of our gatherings we had with friends and I think she enjoyed herself. We even had to prepare her 'room' by painting and decor and etc, got shower chair and tub rail and various things to make her comfortble. Decorate the room with her family pictures. All to make her comfortable and feel like it was HER room.
faith11 - my apologizes for angering you. I have taken care of my mother for 6 weeks before she went to assisted living. I have taken her to the doctor several times myself and have never asked for any reimbursement. I also live farther away than my sister, so my expenses would be higher. Yes she has roamed in my house, she has had minor accidents in my home, nothing major, but scary neverthe less. She has gotten lost on the main floor of the house. My mom is in assisted living, all I can do now is visit and call, and I DO. My sister does not ask for help taking Mom to the doctor, I have offered. My help with appointments is not requested. Like cowgirl said, everyone's situation is different. I meant no offense to your situation. I'm sorry.
There was no bully intended. It just hit home, sorry. I have siblings that accuse, yet do NOTHING to help, No bully intended, just find ways to help - not hurt the one who gives up everything in order to help the parent. I do not know 'their' situation, previous convictions of drug use, gambling, etc etc, yes, be leary. But help, not hurt by the accusations.. DO All You Can to HELP. They will NOT be around forever - and when they are gone, you will be able to rest your head down, and know in your heart you did the right thing. Help their last days on earth be sweet and comfortable. And I am sorry it came across harsh, did not mean to.
faith11, Who are you, the sister NoVoice is complaining of? If not you have no right to be so nasty to her. I assume you don't know her or her situation. I am glad people can come, complain and LEARN from comments that are posted here. People do steal from their parents and when there are secrets there will be reason to believe things are not honest. No one on this site deserves to be verbally bullied no matter what you think.
My mother-in-law lives with us. She has nothing. Her siblings show no desire to take care of her even for a short time to rest my wife. I know that if my mother-in-law had a substantial amount of money they would keep her long enough to drain her account. They have at times taken what she had on her when the chance arose. We have experienced this when some would pick her up for the day. When she got back her money would be gone. One time they even kept her out all day without feeding her and she still came back minus the ten dollars we gave her. After that my wife sent her with them with no money and told them to feed her. Needless to say they never picked her up again. Then again sometimes the children who won't take care of the parent still expect to benefit from the funds that their parents had. I feel if one child takes care of a parent with out the help of the other siblings, then those siblings need to shut up and they get nothing when the parents dies. I have experienced this with my mother-in-law and she has very little.
What makes you think that? What have YOU done to help your mother? Do you live with her? Do you stay up all hours of the night because she is roaming? Do you take off work to bring her to the MD? Do you PAY your sister at least $15. p hour for the time she does spend taking care of your mother? Does your sister drive a new Lexus? if not - I don't think she is stealing, now- what other care giver do you want to anger with your selfish comments. You should find ways to actually HELP rather than hurt.
Sorry to hear that NoVoice. everybody's situation is different and Unique....Yeah that is true, how could you be in it for the money when you got no access for sure. That is a very crazy statement for sure on your sisters part. Maybe you could deem her incompetent?
cowgirl - my relationship with my younger sister has been rocky for years, unfortunately and unmendable at this point. We can be civil and in the same room with Mom, that's about it.
One thing with my mother is she is in an assisted living facility, and she is not able to handle her own bills. There are only 6 checks to be paid a month. She was diagnosed with dementia so technically I think a court would deem her 'incompetent'.
I would love to be put on my Mom's accounts as a measure of oversight, because if there is nothing to hide then why can't we see? Again, my opinion doesn't matter and my sister who is POA doesn't give a fig what I think. She accuses ME of being 'in it' for the money when I have absolutely NO access to anything. How ironic is that?
I hope all works out for you NoVoice. I missed much of your story the first time I read your post. It almost sounds impossible for you to find out anything unless you hire a lawyer, but it sounds like you already, know the legality of it. Its sad if you think your sister is stealing your moms money. I guess all I can say is that you should have become much more involved a very long time ago. And doesn't sound like you have a very good relationship with your sister. I guess the only reason I posted so much of my story was because I have been doing so much for so long and it isn't until things worsen for a loved one that some start worrying about the money. I feel that all siblings should be involved in their parents care and not leave that to one person. I just hate to see families out there that are so distrustful of one another, but it does happen. Its just sad to say that I am not a distrustful person at all, but have been treated as such. It sounds like you don't have much of a leg to stand on at this point. The main thing is your moms care, that is #1. If your parent has no money left, the good thing is they can go on State assistance and in that instance can qualify for a lot more help. . So therefore you don't need to worry about your mom, because she will be taken care of no matter what. Your issue is with your sister and how much she got. Unfortunately it just sounds like many stories I have read where siblings go off being seperated in life over a stupid money issue. Some people never get nothing but a few trinkets to remember their parents. I hope that if anybody is in the beginning of a parents declining health, that they need to get their ducks in order before things happen. We only live this life one time and it is sad to see so many families broken over money issues. We come into this life with nothing and we go out of it with nothing. The most important thing I feel is family and with out them, money means nothing. So have you thought of building a better relationship with your sister and leave the money issue behind? Maybe if that relationship was better with her, she would share more information with you. I have a good relationship with my sister, but I see how powerful she acts now that she is in control of the money. I got a $15k early inheritance in 2008 when I was having financial problems. I paid off my car and a few credit cards but I am still struggling now that I am unemployed. I have been doing everything and I hear constantly how they want this money in writing in the Will, so they can deduct it from any inheritance in the end. I feel that no body has worried about me being compensated for losing my job when mom got sick. Nobody has worried about taking care of me and many days I go with out food in my house right now. I only qualify for $16.00 a month for food. This is going to come out in the end. I love my brother and sister very much and want nothing more than to have a close family life, but I can understand the seperation issues when it comes to money.
This is the same issue I have with my Mom. She put my brother on her checking account, she had a one time 80K in it. I explained to her that now this was his money. She just told me he would divide it with me. Of course I am the ass for not trusting him but she doesn't want me on her checking account.. This hurt but over time I just don't give a *%$#. Because he will take care of her at this point and I will visit, smille, say the right things and leave. They have paved the way to their own misery.
Cowgirl - right on. I am in a similar postiion. Neither of me siblings does anything to help my aging parents. I stopped communciating with them because one really didn't give a sh@t and the other only wants to know how much money is left. So I said, if you need to know anything, call them yourself; I'm not a reporting agency. I do it all -- the doctors, church, the meds, the grociereis....why should report them? Screw that. So I know my sister is consumed with the fact that I know how much money they have (which is hardly nothing -- that's the joke of it!) and she doesn't. If she really cared about them, money wouldn't be her priority. MY PARENTS HEALTH AND WELL-BEING would be her priority, but it is not. The only priority my sister has is herself.
So NoVoice - If you're really concerned about your Mother, then go see her and get involved in the day to day. Even if you live further away, there is a way to help, if even emotionally.
I have to comment on this one as it is a very familiar senerio in my life. I am the youngest of 3 siblings and my name got put on my moms account as a beneficiary and as someone who can also pay my moms bills when she is not able to. I can grocery shop for her, pick up her pills, and other things. She needed this after my dad passed on as a security measure we felt, and the bank suggested it to be me, since I am the closest living sibiling. As time passed by however, I was accused off and on by another in my family of stealing moms money. This is so off in left field, and made it very upsetting that my siblings did not trust me. It made me so upset that I called my sister who lives further away and told her that she needed to be the POA for mom so I was not in charge. I still am moms POM (power of medical), because no one is here to handle that job and it has always been me. My mom has a Will and a Quit Claim deeds on her 2 homes. So that is taken care of. What makes me sad is that I have spent all my enitire savings on taking care of mom , running her to doctors, shopping, and on and on as most caregivers understand those expenses. I even lost my job over moms health. I have Now been unemployed for 2 years, no health insurance, and all my savings is gone. I have had long talks with my siblings about the expense and burden that this has been on my life. There is still some aggravation and mistrust I feel with them, but they are rarely here. Well , I take that back that one of them is here off and on. But If your gonna have mis-trust with your sibliing, you need to get your self more involved. If your sister is the caregiver to your mom, you should make sure that she is being taken care of also for what she is doing. The cost of care is not cheap and nobody can do this for free. I got an early inheritance of money 2 years ago that everyone cried about. But mom offered that help to them also if they wanted it and no body wanted it. Now they keep throwing it in my face. As far as I am concerned, I have plenty of reciepts in life here to show how much I have spent out on this other home of hers that I am living in,. and the upkeep, that she did not pay for, even though I am not paying rent here. I have sacraficed a lot. If you don't trust your sister, you need to get help with that quickly , so as to not ruin your relationship with her if it hasn't already. I really don't know your situation, but before you accuse your sister, you just need to get more involved and ask questions. Having a designated POA helps and I am happy to have handed that responsibility over to my sister. It took a lot of mistrust off my shoulders. Now everything I spend is being documented. But I can prove by her bank account and mine, that nothing has gone on that they all thought was happening. Hope it all works out for you, I just feel its so sad when money is the issue or the the mistrust of your siblings.
Is she the one who is the primary care give? Does she handle your mom's expenses? Is your mom competant to handle her finances? If all your elders money is in their name only all accounts become frozen upon death. Further, if there is an issue with the account the bank will only speak to a named person on the account unless someone is designated as power of attorney. It gets worse-if an elder is incompetant to handle the money it can easy be lost or misappropriated by someone and no-one will be advised but the elder. If you are concerned that even if your sisters intentions are good she may use the money inappropriatly, have your name added to the account as well.
Thank you for sending comments/feedback. Thank you Mr. Robbins.
right now there is nothing that says my sister is doing anything wrong, but she is the only person who knows what is going on in the accounts, and she is not sharing detailed information (full bank statements). She only gives the balance amounts, doesn't say what has been paid, just 'about' numbers. If there is NOTHING to hide, then why isn't she sharing bank statements?
In Mom's POA, Mom WAIVED the requirement that the POA file legal reports. So our sister doesn't have to report how she handles Mom's accounts to ANYONE.
Things have come to light over the last few months of Mom's moving when we could all see Moms accounts (and old account registers too), and there have been sums of monies she's given to our sister, sometimes big sums. If my sister is joint on the account then everything will go to her (no probate) on Mom's death as Mom has NOTHING ELSE but her bank accounts. All she has otherwise is personal belongings (clothing mostly).
The only way I can think of finding out my sisters status on the accounts is to ask my mother when I'm there one day to call the bank and ask. Just don't know if it's worth the trouble. My mother would NOT know, and does NOT know. She has beginning dementia and doesn't remember much well. She knows family, but short term memory is very bad.
I found this on the internet:
Disinheriting other beneficiaries - If the original owner adds one child to an account but has other children they want to inherit the account, then by adding one and not all of the children's names the owner will have effectively disinherited all of the other children. And even if the surviving joint owner agrees to give the other children their fair share of the account, care must be taken to avoid any gift tax consequences.
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Who paid for the changes to your home? Her or you? And why isn't she closer to you than an hour? Weren't there any assisted living facilities closer? After all, if you were willing to do such major things for a temporary period, you'd think that you'd have wanted her closer to you where you could continue to be involved in her care.
You sound amazingly like somone I know who says all the right things to the relatives who live in other places, but whose idea of helping is demanding that she be given final approval over anything that Mama asks to be gotten with Mama's own money. Once again, if a person doesn't help, they shouldn't whine about where the money goes.
Mayasbop - even when my Mom was with me, it was because we were moving her from her home town and we knew all along that staying with me was temporary until we found a good facility. My home has challenges for her and the longer she was there, the riskier it got and the more risks she would take. I think she liked it here but she has always sworn she'd never want to be a burden :) I think all parents say that.
Does she live with your sister? Does she pay room and board, etc....
Younger sister works for an insurance company and she understood why it was done. So did brother. Older sister nearly drove off in a ditch when our mother told her.
Two years ago, when our mother nearly died, I had a job and medical and a few benefits. Older sister was living across town and when our mother needed someone to sleep over at night for a few weekends while I worked, older sister refused. She left and we haven't heard from her since. In the meantime, I had to give my job up, my medical and maybe even my freedom afterwards because older sister likes to threaten. I stress over needing a pair of five dollar shoes from Family Dollar because I never know what else is coming. I pay the bills with my mother's permission. I do all her shopping, all her cleaning and all her care. In the last week, she nearly died again and had emergency surgery for complications from wire mesh left over from cancer surgery in 1994. I made sure that everyone knew, but did older sister or anyone in her family even call the hospital to see how she was? Nope.
She doesn't have a whole lot of things and she can't spend hundreds of dollars at a time on sister's grown children any longer. Now, oldest grandchild tells me that it wasn't convenient to come across town to see her. Uh huh.
The truth is that before people start talking about money, they'd better doggone well be helping. I've watched pennies to pay off old credit card debt of hers. And my health is suffering for all the stress. I think people who are so concerned about finances need to have put in more than six weeks of caregiving before they start accusing anyone who does do the work of anything nefarious. I've done my mother's caregiving for seventeen years and I don't spend a dime on me unless it's absolutely necessary, but I'm the one who has to deal with every bit of the day to day that her other three kids get to ignore.
So, the way I feel is that no one should have the right to come in behind me and question ANYTHING, especially the ones who refuse to even communicate with their mother or grandmother, much less actually help. And I do mean no one.
I have siblings that accuse, yet do NOTHING to help, No bully intended, just find ways to help - not hurt the one who gives up everything in order to help the parent. I do not know 'their' situation, previous convictions of drug use, gambling, etc etc, yes, be leary. But help, not hurt by the accusations.. DO All You Can to HELP. They will NOT be around forever - and when they are gone, you will be able to rest your head down, and know in your heart you did the right thing. Help their last days on earth be sweet and comfortable. And I am sorry it came across harsh, did not mean to.
I would love to be put on my Mom's accounts as a measure of oversight, because if there is nothing to hide then why can't we see? Again, my opinion doesn't matter and my sister who is POA doesn't give a fig what I think. She accuses ME of being 'in it' for the money when I have absolutely NO access to anything. How ironic is that?
I guess the only reason I posted so much of my story was because I have been doing so much for so long and it isn't until things worsen for a loved one that some start worrying about the money. I feel that all siblings should be involved in their parents care and not leave that to one person. I just hate to see families out there that are so distrustful of one another, but it does happen. Its just sad to say that I am not a distrustful person at all, but have been treated as such. It sounds like you don't have much of a leg to stand on at this point.
The main thing is your moms care, that is #1. If your parent has no money left, the good thing is they can go on State assistance and in that instance can qualify for a lot more help. . So therefore you don't need to worry about your mom, because she will be taken care of no matter what. Your issue is with your sister and how much she got. Unfortunately it just sounds like many stories I have read where siblings go off being seperated in life over a stupid money issue. Some people never get nothing but a few trinkets to remember their parents. I hope that if anybody is in the beginning of a parents declining health, that they need to get their ducks in order before things happen. We only live this life one time and it is sad to see so many families broken over money issues. We come into this life with nothing and we go out of it with nothing. The most important thing I feel is family and with out them, money means nothing. So have you thought of building a better relationship with your sister and leave the money issue behind? Maybe if that relationship was better with her, she would share more information with you.
I have a good relationship with my sister, but I see how powerful she acts now that she is in control of the money. I got a $15k early inheritance in 2008 when I was having financial problems. I paid off my car and a few credit cards but I am still struggling now that I am unemployed. I have been doing everything and I hear constantly how they want this money in writing in the Will, so they can deduct it from any inheritance in the end. I feel that no body has worried about me being compensated for losing my job when mom got sick. Nobody has worried about taking care of me and many days I go with out food in my house right now. I only qualify for $16.00 a month for food. This is going to come out in the end. I love my brother and sister very much and want nothing more than to have a close family life, but I can understand the seperation issues when it comes to money.
So NoVoice - If you're really concerned about your Mother, then go see her and get involved in the day to day. Even if you live further away, there is a way to help, if even emotionally.
luv to all.
-SS
right now there is nothing that says my sister is doing anything wrong, but she is the only person who knows what is going on in the accounts, and she is not sharing detailed information (full bank statements). She only gives the balance amounts, doesn't say what has been paid, just 'about' numbers. If there is NOTHING to hide, then why isn't she sharing bank statements?
In Mom's POA, Mom WAIVED the requirement that the POA file legal reports. So our sister doesn't have to report how she handles Mom's accounts to ANYONE.
Things have come to light over the last few months of Mom's moving when we could all see Moms accounts (and old account registers too), and there have been sums of monies she's given to our sister, sometimes big sums. If my sister is joint on the account then everything will go to her (no probate) on Mom's death as Mom has NOTHING ELSE but her bank accounts. All she has otherwise is personal belongings (clothing mostly).
The only way I can think of finding out my sisters status on the accounts is to ask my mother when I'm there one day to call the bank and ask. Just don't know if it's worth the trouble. My mother would NOT know, and does NOT know. She has beginning dementia and doesn't remember much well. She knows family, but short term memory is very bad.
I found this on the internet:
Disinheriting other beneficiaries - If the original owner adds one child to an account but has other children they want to inherit the account, then by adding one and not all of the children's names the owner will have effectively disinherited all of the other children. And even if the surviving joint owner agrees to give the other children their fair share of the account, care must be taken to avoid any gift tax consequences.