My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
Maybe he will see the light and realize how badly he is handling the situation.
Your description of a parent moving in as ‘life changing’ is dead on!
I know that I wasn’t prepared for the changes or challenge of caring for a parent.
My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will find a viable solution soon.
Sometimes it works out to have parents live with adult children. It seems like more often it doesn’t. It clearly isn’t working in your situation. Keep us posted. Vent anytime and I wish you all the best.
The past few days/week has been very hard on us. MIL moved in with her granddaughter who gets has been getting paid to care for her.
HB was home with his mom all week, I did nothing to help with her and let him do all of the work. I pretty much stayed in my room or out of the house for an entire week. After finally getting my HB to understand and see that having his mother live with us was too much for one person to deal with, damaging our relationship, hurting our kids and myself; He spoke with his sister and they agreed to look in to a memory care facility. SIL had told us that my MIL's medicare/medicaid would not cover the entire monthly fee so we would have to pay for half of whatever the extra fee would be. I let SIL know I was fine with us paying for half of the cost. I then did some research and found that the entire amount would be paid for and found a memory care facility that specializes in Alzheimer's with an opening. This facility is just a 15 minute drive from us and 10 min for SIL. SIL then didn't like that currently, the facility only allows visits on specific days and times (due to COVID) , and MIL would also be able to spend time with family on days that she has Drs appointments. SIL said she did not like that she would not be able to just stop by whenever she wanted (even though we have no restrictions for visitors at home and we never saw her all week). Anyway, SIL told me that a memory care facility or nursing home was not an option.
I finally had enough of her excuses and told my HB I was absolutely done and they needed to figure out what to do with their mom as I was not an option anymore. HB also got a taste of what my life looks like except he was able to focus on just his mom and not work..
I have a feeling that the granddaughter is not willing to give up the money she has been getting to care for her grandma, but that is not my problem anymore.
We moved my MIL with her granddaughter this weekend and we were told we would have to pay for half of the cost of a private caregiver since the GD works full time. I brought up the fact that In Home Care is paying out 92 hours per month and if we let them know that we now need full time help, they would probably help with more. SIL said they do not want a stranger coming in to the home.
In the end, I am just happy to have my life back. I don't really care about the unnecessary money we will be paying out, we can afford it. I give them 2 months before they put MIL in the memory care facility because they have never spent more than 8 hours with her.
MIL's dog stayed with us because the granddaughter doesn't want the extra work of having a dog in the home even though I was always told MIL had to have her dog with her "mom is easier to care for if she has her dog" "ger dog will keep her busy" "the dog has been with mom all her life, she would have a hard time if she wasnt with mom"- But not when it comes to them having to take the extra responsibility. I also did not want an extra dog but we took her in because she has been with MIL for the past 8 -10 years. The dog is having a really hard time, I am hopeful that with time, she gets use to being with just us.
I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to respond and give an honest opinion. I am glad my HB asked me to do this, it has really helped me understand that MIL had to go, I am not a bad person for wanting my life back. I am hoping that with time, I will be able to take MIL out for ice cream or have her come over for dinner. I feel like once she forgets that she hates my guts and that her son is her husband, I will be able to be around her.
As far as the SIL goes, I feel like I lost a friend- I have known her longer than I have my HB and I considered her my BF up until now and I am ok with that.
The past couple of days have been like a fresh breath of air, I had forgotten what it was like to live a normal life.
I have just one more bit of advice, and that's in regards to the money your SIL seems to think you "owe" to pay for MIL's care - whatever it is you're willing to pay, I would send an e-mail (and I would BCC myself on this email to show what day/time you sent it) specifying ***exactly*** what you are willing to contribute - this way, there's no "misunderstanding" down the road.
I would send this ASAP, while things are still new.
Thank you for your update as I was wondering as well as the rest of us how things were going.
At least there is a new plan that gets you out of the "caregiving business" so to speak.
I sure hope everything works out as planned and am glad you're feeling like you have your life back and it's like a breath of fresh air - because it is!
Even though you didn't want to take on another dog, I'm glad you did because as you said the dog is already having a hard time being separated from MIL and I'm sure she'll get used to living with you especially if you ever reach the point of having MIL over for a visit.
I'm sorry that things didn't end too well between you and your SIL but, maybe in time she'll come around.
I give you all credit for coming to the forum, getting much needed advice/suggestions, reading through all of them together but most of all, putting it into action and creating a permanent solution - so many people don't!
Best wishes to all of you as you start the process and hope you will give another update somewhere down the road as to how it's all going and working out for everyone - in the meantime take care of yourself now!
Oops! forgot to hit the "reply" button :(
Your DH should be congratulated too for being able to look properly & lose his denial.
SIL still seems under the fog of denial. Knows she doesn't want memory care or strangers etc but what DOES she want? Magic? Give her time. Hopefully she too will get through her denial & accept the reality.
Granddaughter/carer probably has to live it to get it too. Will buckle pretty quick IMO so have that memory care place on hold. 15mins to your place - sounds like a great solution.
Come back anytime & update or advise others.
Ley her be in control bc nothing else will do. Id sit back and let her handle everything. GD will burn out soon.
Its not the mil you cant deal with, its the disease at dementia. Let sil be blasted, insulted. She might even get physical. I notice as sil has no problem putting mom on others but she isn't stepping up for her care. Donr back down or they will have you watching mil every time go goes to work.