My sister recently passed away. I have her two girls while I still care for my grandma. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking. Any advice?

Annit,

How are you doing today? I hope you’re thinking about the next steps to take to resolve this situation.

You have given so much of your time and energy to help others. I seriously hope that you will take the time to plan for your own future now, especially since you have decided to raise your nieces.

Please look into placing your grandmother into a facility. You can oversee her care and visit her as often as possible.

This is a proper situation for Respite Care, which is for the carer, not the person who moves into respite. YOU need the respite because a ton of sudden responsibilities have hit you out of left field, and YOU need time to adjust. Respite care is temporary, which should help Grandmother accept it, but a month of respite care for her could help a lot to settle things down for you and the girls. It isn't related to ownership of her house, and it might help her be calmer when things at home are temporarily turned upside down. It's even possible that she would like it!

Annit, are you all now living with grandma?

If so, she def gets a say in this situation.

You may need to hire visiting angels for just a few hours for grandma. She needs to pay for it. this will give you a break and you can concentrate on the girls. This battle between you and the Daddy will be hard but if you can document what he has not done, what he said he should have and can prove he is unfit this will help you. I cannot stress enough that documentation is key! He may win visitation hopefully - if he does its supervised. There is no way you will make grandma perfectly happy. I couldn't with my Daddy. I was the worst daughter ever! Anyway, prayers for you and yours

I just Googled "Professional for overwhelmed caregivers".
Among the many options offered I liked...
https://blog.aginglifecare.org/blog/options-for-overwhelmed-caregivers/
Other options may suit you better.

What jumped out in the article from the above site was the following line...
"Consider hiring an Aging Life Care Professional™ (also known as a geriatric care manager)". You'll find it pretty close to the beginning of the article under the 2nd indented paragraph, printed with green lettering, that starts with "Call on community resources".

Trying to do your best and then trying harder, and feeling whipped because your best is not working, you're becoming more and more short sighted, and overwhelmed.

If someone complains to me that I'm not in earnest doing my best I'd say "Hey, you know, you're right. What the heck am I thinking? I'm not a professional and you deserved better"

Then you get that dang ball rolling and hand this head-banging, never-going-to-get-better your way situation to professionals. Contact doctors, social workers, etc. Referrals may lead to dead-ends. Go down another track and keep going until you get things situated.

You must get outside help. You have an unreasonable responsibility with your grandmother, you are hurting, and the cherry on top you have completely pushed aside you're right, the necessity, to receive respect, kindness, appreciation and expectations of reasoning.

Granny may not be able to be reasonable but by your doing you're purpetuating this turbulent situation. Their is no magic. I've know you're situation. You're being mashed. It's very difficult while you're in the thick of it, but you MUST get help and you MUST have personal peace in order to think clearly.

How can you make good judgements while theirs a brain and heart eating monkey jumping on your face and in your ears. You're going to be whittled down to bad health and then you're doing more harm to everyone and yourself.

Simply think - this is garbage and it can't be sustained, and I must be doing wrong (only because you're not a professional and so awefully tired) and because no one is happy.

If your efforts are not working, hand the thing over. You are not a mule.
You are the orchestrator, and you will become the oasis of peace and sense.

Physically, sit up straight, and when you stand, stand straight and tall. Don't stand like how you feel. Stand like how you'd like to feel.

The only, only thing you have to do is to make sure gramma is fed, sheltered, clean, dry and warm at some facility. All you have to do is visit, and leave.

Also, your grief is not to be brushed aside as unimportant in all this mess, but grief is very often endured "in a healthy" and better way if you become the comforting, stabalizing, dependable hero to your sister's children.
By example, teach them how, when they become a grief supporting adults, to behave. Smile with reassuring eyes, hug them, or just listen. Their returned hugs, or if they just linger with you, will be your solace.
Little by little help them to focus on life. And here and there remind them of the good and sometimes fun lessons their mom gifted them.

You're going to have to make hard choices. It's more important that you care for the girls. Teach them how one manages. Compassionately show strength by making hard but reasonable decisions. You're not only caring for their wounds you're shaping who they will become.

Resentment in you is a red flag. All it means is that you should not continue what you're doing.
Your grandma's fears - You know you're not going to put her on an ice floe and left out to sea. Just reassure her.

You say that granny begs you on a daily basis not to place her in a nursing home…If you could talk to her, say "We have to do what's best for the children, I love you, I'll always be there for you", and walk out and have a hot tea. More often just be pleasant, give her a blanket or something showing care, say nothing and walk out everytime.

Annit, I just read your response below, and the one thing I still don't know is your Grandma's condition. Can she live alone? With your support?

I see you are currently living in Grandmother's home. If she goes into placement without adequate money to pay for it, then clawback on the home from medicaid will likely take most of its value, and it will little matter that the home was to be left to you.

On to the fact that the youngest girl is now being fought for by her father. Under the law I am afraid that it will little matter that the Dad saw little of her when your sister (her mom) was living, because the Dad will say that the sister made it impossible for him to visit her. He is only fighting for the younger girl? Does this mean that the elder girl is not his daughter, but the daughter of another? Is there child support from either Dad?

Is there any chance under the son that you could do family mediation so that you could raise these girls TOGETHER with the loving support of the Dad? It would make a huge difference to this girl's future, that she wouldn't enter adulthood looking for a Daddy. And you would likely be able to keep primary custody (doubt he really wants it) if you shared her. Perhaps financial support as well. I know it may not be possible, but just a thought.

Again, wishing you so much luck here. A hard situation you have yourself sandwiched into, for certain. You appear to have the support of us all. You clearly have a kind and caring heart.

You are all living in Grandma's home, yes?

Annit, do you have someplace else you can live with the girls? It sounds as though grandma might be happier living alone with hired help.

She certainly doesn't appear to appreciate what you're doing. When that happens to me, I stop helping.

Firstly, I am so very sorry for this sad loss.

Your grandma is sounding as though she isn't suffering from dementia? Can you tell us a bit more about her age, what she can do for herself and what she cannot? That's important. You say you have been caring for her for some time. Would just like to know why she requires 24/7 care.

You have been left with your Sister's girls. Is this permanent. That is to say have they no father? Are you now legally their guardian?

Until you give us to some answers to the above it isn't clear to me that Grandmother could not do OK on her own with visits from you and a bit of watching over. However, if she is not able to take care of herself, but IS capable of understanding (that is to say not demented) it is time to sit with her. Enlist her aid. Tell her that you not only are not thinking of placing her, but you need her aid in raising her grandchildren. That the two of you owe this priority of care to the girls, who are young, and with their lives ahead of them. That they would benefit from her teaching, her stories, her pot roast.

Much of all of this depends upon your Grandmother. Yes, she has had a tragedy, but the priority for you BOTH now must be the girls. If she is so dependent that your care of her precludes your care of these girls then she WILL have to be placed, and if she is capable of understanding she must understand that.

For yourself, you need to see an attorney. You need a plan of care for grandmother, and it should be legal. If you are not her POA you need to be and you need to be what that entails as their are legal obligations of record keeping, etc. You need legal advice about the girls, making certain they have applied for Social Security if they are now orphaned, need legal care of them and access to whatever the state has to help you.

Again, your first obligation must be to these young girls. I hope to hear more from you about grandmother's condition. I sure wish you the best.

Annit, my sincere sympathy and condolences on the loss of your sister. Maybe appealing to your grandmother's sense of family might be helpful? Would it be possible to try to explain to your grandmother that the family has suffered a great loss and EVERYONE needs to pull together to help the family make the transition? Your responsibilities are very, very great and your priorities have changed in a moment. Yes, you can offer care to your grandmother, BUT this care will have a different feel to it. You will have to have others assist in looking after her. It may be outside care givers or other family members who come in to cook or clean or keep her company. Burning the candle at both ends and in the middle will you nowhere. I apologize for not having more helpful information. Don't every apologize for venting here. We're here to support and listen.

I really hope you’re not living with your grandmother and have brought two children that have been through the most traumatic event of their lives to live with a miserable old demented elder:

Regardless, it’s time for good by Granny. Message a two week notice to any surviving children she has saying you will no longer be her caregiver and then let them deal with her. They’ll have to either have to deal with her themselves or put her in a facility like they should have done a long time ago.

Granny’s life is effectively over at this point and it’s time for you to move on with your far more important responsibilities.

Wow, I’ve been on this forum for awhile now and your situation has topped any other.

Unfortunately unless there are other family members willing to step up to the plate to care for your grandma, the house needs to be sold and she needs to go to a facility. To be blunt she has lived her life. Your nieces have the right to be cared for and helped through this awful time in their lives. This is a trauma and how you support their recovery from this huge loss will affect them for years to come.

Your priorities have now changed. Start thinking about what needs to be done to place your grandma asap.

I read ur last post and your profile. Where are grandma's children. They need to step up to the plate. You can no longer care for her. You mention having your own husband and home. Time to return to that. Grandmom has a Dementia, She cannot be reasoned with. Your in her home and of course at her age she does not like changes.

Do you have POA, if not does anyone? Its time to place grandmom. You can start the Medicaid process because for now her house is an exempt asset. If you sell, Medicaid will stop till you spend down and then when money is gone I guess u reapply. Her SS and any pension will go towards her care.

If grandma has no children, then I guess your it to place grandma. If there are and they are uncooperative, then call APS. Tell them u can no longer care for her and family is being uncooperative.

Sorry you even need to go thru this. When there are children, grandchildren should not be asked to car for grandparents. That 16 yr old needs a mother. Big things coming up for her in next 2 years. Not saying the little one doesn't, she does too. They need your undivided attn.

Something the wonderful people here have taught me:

*Your grandmother has had a chance to live her life.*

It is time for you and your nieces to live yours.

Your responsibility is to THEM, now, not to cater to your grandmother’s wants and whims.

Sell her house, place and visit her.

Find a new home for you and the girls.

I'd just be blunt. "Gram, the harder you make my life, the higher the chances are that you WILL go to a nursing home. The more you complain and the more selfish you are, the more stress I'm under. My SISTER died. I'm grieving, I have two little girls to care for and you. Please be my partner in this. The girls need to know that we BOTH are doing our best to take care of them. Their needs come before yours. I know it's been upsetting and your routine will never be the same, but that's the way things are now. I don't want to stop taking care of you, but the GIRLS COME FIRST. If that's a problem, let's look at other housing options for you."

You focus has to be on those kids and grandma must come last. If you take the possibility of your inheritance out of the equation would that change things? Because living a long life gets very expensive and if your grandmother doesn't die suddenly she most likely will need a nursing home level of care before the end and there will be no assets left.
BTW, where is your mother's generation in all this?

I’m so sorry for your loss and such an overwhelming situation. You’re very kind and correct to be prioritizing these daughters, they are blessed to have you. It’s sad that your grandmother cannot see past herself to see what you see. Don’t expect her to change, her habits are well ingrained by now. You do all the changing you need to help the girls have a stable home, without apology. And please make your grandmother no promises, they would be misguided at best as none of us knows what may be coming. She may need to have more help than you can provide one day, and if that’s the case, it’s okay

annit, this is a heartbreaking situation. Since it is your desire to raise your nieces, they come first. Your two uncles died -- do you have cousins? How is your mother doing after her hospitalization in January. Does she live with you, too?

I take it you all live in your grandmother's house?

You cannot be responsible for your nieces AND your grandmother.

annit77- so so sorry for your very full plate that is stressing you out to the max. Your feeling of resentment is totally understandable. Grandma of course can only think of herself, as many elders in her situation tend to do.

You must push back when she starts acting up. Put her in her place, gently but firmly. You need to act as the adult with authority, and not an obedient grandchild. That is your role now, you have two children looking up to you. So, step up to the plate.

I’m so sorry for your loss. MJ is right. This is a heartbreaking story. It’s truly sad for everyone, especially the children.

Clearly, you are an excellent granddaughter and aunt. You have been totally selfless and it’s taking a toll on you.

I am equally concerned for you as I am for your nieces. Of course, I understand that your grandmother is suffering as well.

I certainly understand that you are starting to feel resentful. You deserve to be able to grieve the loss of your sister.

Your grandmother most likely has a fear of the unknown. The thought of entering a facility is frightening to her.

Tell me, what do you want to do? Don’t answer this question with what your grandmother wants.

What are your desires in life? Your dreams? How old are you? How old are your nieces? Are you considering raising them? You have so much on your plate right now. I’m sure that you are completely overwhelmed by all of this.

Can your grandmother hire a caregiver from an agency to sit with her for a few hours so you can take a break?

Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in your area? That would be a good place to start. They can do a needs assessment on your grandmother and if she qualifies you will start receiving a limited amount of hours of care each month for her.

If you feel that you can no longer do caregiving then please consider placing her in a facility. She will adjust and you can visit her.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.

Oh, this just breaks my heart -- I'm so sorry for all of you.

Can you enlist Grandma's "help" (minimal though it may be) with focusing on the girls? Perhaps the upheaval in her life is causing her stress but also feeling there's nothing she can do to help the situation. I don't know how old the girls are, but if she can read a book to the youngest one or just be a sympathetic ear, then perhaps she'll feel more included and have some purpose of her own.

This is a tough time for all of you, and ideally you all need to band together to support one another. You've all suffered a terrible loss.