My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
My point is - money is not the difference here because there is no money. My resentment is because of the obvious lack of caring. They both say they are concerned about ME - but the one does not offer to help make it easier. But you know what they say "what goes around, comes around". I love mom and just want to take care of her.
Also, I worked in the Estates Division of a large law firm years ago. It was amazing how families fought over money after a death. It made me ALMOST glad we did not have any !!
Is it fair, NO
Will they receive an equal share of my moms money when she passes. YES
My mom is now in AL, and spending her money for her care.
Your resentment may escalate, which is normal..
Your not alone... Hang in there...
While it may not be fair about who is doing the most, it is a choice that each person in the family makes. I look at it as - I do what I can live with. Meaning, I do not want my mother drugged to death at a nursing home to make staff jobs easier. I do not want her subjected to diapering while she is still capable of getting to the bathroom with a little assistance. I could not live with myself to put her in that situation, so I'm doing what I feel I have to do to keep her in a home setting as long as possible. Each of us has certain levels of what we can live with. Some people can deposit a family member into a facility and walk away never even bothering to think the care may be far below acceptable. I don't know how they live with that decision anymore than they would understand why I would spend 24/7 to avoid it.
With all that said, I do not believe any of us should be doing what we do/do not do with the anticipation of how much $ we'll get in the end. Your mom has an estate of some sort (home,cash,etc) because she earned those things in her lifetime. There is every possibility a facility would be needed at some time before she passes and those assets will be spent down to pay for her care. That's what 'her' assets are for. What's leftover should be shared equally as she has made clear to all of you.
Your mother's wishes are clear. You and your sister are making the choice to care for her because... ... There are a lot of ways you can probably finish that sentence, but I doubt any of them have to do with money.
I have six siblings - two sisters, four bros. I was the only one taking care of my mom for 10 years, until the last year when it got extreme, and then three of them helped at different times. The sisters always the most. The brothers, with one exception, got a pretty free ride.
Some of this was geography. Some of this was codependence. Some of this was the kind of avoidance you may feel your brother is engaging in, which feels exploitative. Whatever the reasons, you are all making a choice. When your mother is no longer with you, what percentage of her inheritance will matter much less than how you go on feeling about yourself for the choices you made.
expected I guess forever!
no one wants to help?
Do it for yourself or let them do it?
what do you do, when no one else cares for the burden?
We just suck it up as usual?
Where is the family ?
we are all done until they maybe get it?
Then what, we are done,
Great for them, yet parent will now hate you!
Fun!
Honey11 I'm delighted that your mother has recognised your selfless devotion and that your brother was so gracious. But Salutem was asking what to do when your family has taken the *opposite* view.
Get a different family, I guess..?
You have a wonderful mother! You are a gift to your mom. A gift is given with nothing expected in return. Most grow resentful if their devotion isn’t recognized which is totally understandable.
1) It is mom's assets and if she wants all of you to inherit equally, so be it.
2) If you are expending your own assets, you should be reimbursed.
3) Look into what is possible for getting paid for the care you do provide now.
Care provided in the past is in the past. Not much can be done about that. Going forward, IF mom is agreeable and you can draw up a legal contract (consult with Elder Care Atty), see to it that you and your sister get paid for what you provide now. This may be considered "taxable" income, so factor that in and ask questions about it with the Atty (do you only have to claim the income or will she need to cover taxes, SS and other deductions.)
Our mom has enough assets to last years (she is almost 96 and in MC now.) Her will, drawn up long ago, also distributes evenly between the three of us. Certainly the younger brother helped out now and then over the years, and with some prodding is now taking her to the longest distance appt (mac deg, staying with those who have treated it for years.) The other brother (typical "golden" boy) is not, nor has he been, local. They did both "help" with clearing out, cleaning up and fixing condo for sale, but certainly not as much as I did!!! It was 1.5 hrs each way, so I spent a lot of time and gas money getting that done! Prior to the move 3 years ago, I also took over the "duties" mom could no longer perform (managing accounts, paying bills, grocery when we took car away, making proper foods vs frozen dinners, etc.) I am still the one doing all the financial duties, including taxes - sale of condo impacted all of us, but who had to do all the running around??? I also make all appts, take her to all but that one now, arrange hair cuts, etc as well as manage her meds and OTC needs - basically 99.999% of what needs to be done that MC doesn't cover. It DOES still take up a lot of my time!
However, despite I feel being "used", it isn't like they put a gun to my head and said do it. Someone needed to take this on, so I did. I really can't see either of them being able to do what I do (one not local, clueless, the other still has years to go before retirement, also clueless - I suspect if something happens to me, everything WILL fall apart!!!) Also, this is what mom wanted, so this is what will be. Unless mom is competent and WANTS to make a change, c'est la vie.
Unfortunately my first post was before reading many responses - the last one was in response to OPs pretty nasty comment. That's when I decided I was done! We can still support each other and anyone else who is in a similar situation. OP can go cry in her beer.... alone.
That said, my post was done before reading other comments. When I got to salutem's following response, I have a little more to say:
"OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough."
Of the comments I have read so far, I don't think they were "arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous." Certainly not ALL, as you state. There is no real simple "yes or no" answer to your concerns and others have tried to make suggestions about how to go forward with this.
IF you don't like the answers given, that is your prerogative. Nothing says you have to come back or accept anyone's comments. However it is unnecessary to be so rude to everyone who has tried to put perspective on the issue and/or make suggestions about how to be compensated NOW, because changing the inheritance is not likely to happen.
I also have questions because your profile AND a comment you posted give conflicting information:
Profile: "I am caring for my mother Jane, who is 91 years old, living in assisted living with cancer and stroke."
Profile: "I'm a 63yr. old taking care of a parent who has recently had a stroke and needs around-the-clock care."
Comment: "If that were true, then my sister and I would be doing nothing for my mother which means she would have to be living in a facility."
Is she living in a facility or not?
However, given that you don't like what you are reading here... it is a moot point.
As with others, I am not going to bother reading any more posts nor do I have anything further to say other than what mom wants to do with her assets is her business. Fair or not, it IS what she wants regardless about how you or your sister feel about it.
good suggestion. practical and nonjudgmental. refreshing actually. I'd never post on this site again. people love to spew out all of their judgment and vent their frustration on here. I only read the helpful responses now. As soon as I get a whiff of condescending judgment, I just stop reading.
Kbuser below said," The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair." You're right, if it had been sold to pay for assisted care living.
Good start -- a trust. Attorneys come in handy for many questions as time goes by. Call the estate planning attorney now.
Beware of the county in which you live. If it is suspected that you don't have a good plan for an elderly parent, you can be taken to court for a conservatorship. No fun. I promise. Talk to an attorney now.
No explanation needed. All the best to you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion just as you are to yours.
You made it it perfectly clear how you felt. Not everyone will agree. Leave it at that.
Well it’s a very sad situation some of us are in. I too care for my partially deaf mom who also has Dementia, all by myself. I have three brothers who never even bother to call let alone help out. Initially I would go to Mums house and help out from morning till bedtime, once she was in bed I would head back home, and when her Dementia got worse She moved in with me and my husband. So for the last five yrs she has been living with us. My sister visits sometimes and calls everyday. But solely and wholly Mum has been my responsibility from her heart procedures to flu shots. And let’s spare our parents the dignity as we all fully know what all they need help with.......
Now I resent my brothers for not being there physically, emotionally, morally or financially for neither me or mom. They have never stepped up to anything. What I feel for them is just another story for another day...
but having given you the background of how they have abandoned Mom, I not for a single minute thought of cutting them out of their inheritance. And not because I am this saint, oh no , but once a wise man said to me,
Don’t try to play God.
And suddenly the storm inside me calmed down. I believe in fate , what is mine I will get what is not mine , will never be. I believe that I would be rewarded for my unconditional love for Mom, by God. My brothers would be tested for their negligence and uncaring attitude towards the woman who sacrificed every minute of her youth for them.
You and your sister are Amazing Women , you both have already passed the test .
if you have receipts and your delightful uncle refuses to release money from the trust can you bill the trust. Can you and your sister be back paid from the trust. And yes your brother is a jerk
can you place your mother in assisted living and bill the trust
logical posts I have read. People take notice!!!