I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
As parents age, their world drastically shrinks and their child(ren) become their world. They aren't comfortable socializing with strangers (at senior centers, etc) and they want the status quo. YOU are their world. Of course, she would want to move in with you. In her mind, it would be ideal. On the other hand, YOUR world would change drastically. Your privacy and ability to come and go uncontested from your home would be gone. She's not really understanding this dynamic, or if she does, she doesn't want to hear or accept YOUR reality. Just keep repeating she does have choices: (1) Stay where she's at; or (2) Move to assisted living (which will be WAY more expensive). Period. End of discussion. Tell her you will not discuss moving in with you.
The elderly are stubborn. When my Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks after my Dad died, she was scheduled to be released. The Social Worker said she needed to go to rehab for several weeks to regain her strength. I was her only child out of 3 who did direct caregiving (showers, taking to doctor appts, etc). She was flat on her back in the hospital for 2 weeks. She NEEDED a rehab stay to regain strength AND give ME a break. She was argumentative and insisted she was "going home". I said, "No, your going to rehab. Period." She then clapped back, "You don't control me!" I then told her that she's right. I can't control her from doing things NOT in her best interest. Then I walked out the door of her hospital room and didn't go back. The hospital SW knew she was not safe to be discharged to home.
I was the "point person" for the doctors, hospital SW, nurses, etc for my Mom's care. My brother was a warm body who basically sat with her in the hospital. They all could (talking to him) see he was not able to fully care for her at home although he lived with her. So a day and a half later, I get a meek (and weak) apology message on my home answering machine that she "wants to go to rehab." I didn't want to resort to my actions, but ending the conversation and walking out the door, apparently got her to the realization that I was the only competent child that always had her best interest in mind. Needless to say, she went to rehab and only needed to be there 2 weeks because I insisted to staff that she use her walker to "walk" to the dining room and not be pushed around in a wheelchair. Her legs were strengthen and back home she went.
So the moral of my story is ~ stop letting her bully you with insisting that she move in with you. Tell her that's NOT an option. (See (1) and (2) options above.) Case closed.
My mother is miserable in AL. Says it’s like being in a tomb. Well somehow she thinks she’d have visitors or a social life (that she’s NEVER had) in an apartment alone?! So she’s unhappy. I don’t recall her being happy a single day of my life. Happy is not even the goal in my eyes. Safe and fed is all I hope for now.
My mom always says “it’s always something,” very dramatically. And when you think that way? It is.
Happy is a choice we make every single day. I don’t know why so many of our parents choose unhappy. This site proves it. Some of the most sickly and unfortunate oldies are happy and good natured. Some oldies without debilitating ailments are miserable. We get to choose which we want to be.
What do you say back to a Mom who screams "I am always happy. I am always positive," after a cussing tirade (her)?
Maybe just a ...."hmmmm....."
As I talk to people who have "moved mom in" one common conclusion is that it is unlikely to improve the relationship between the two of you. I've also seen that trying to explain things so Mom "gets it" is not going to change her opinion.
You've done heroic work to date. I wonder if the heroic thing to do at this point is what you know is best for you. Wishing you a peaceful solution.
Space safety
We had to make a lot of changes to make the space safe for her, add bars in bathroom, remove carpets, add a lift to stairs, change door handles, add emergency call buttons, list goes on.
Odors and cleaning.
My mother smokes and she agreed to go outside, but her clothes still smell. She also wears diapers, and is very clean and good but they still smell. She has accidents, like all of us do, but someone else needs to clean up. She has a small kitchen and we need to have someone come in regularly to deal with food waste, spills, and take care of her meal prep.
Spaces and limits
When living with other people, you each need space for your own enjoyment. we were able to accomodate this, but the spaces and rules need to be well defined. One of our rules was the main kitchen, besides annoying me if she uses it, it is not safe. we also do not go into a bedroom without knocking, and we have separate areas for watching TV and reading. Make sure that everyone has their comfort zones.
Noise
When you think about noise in our house, you also have to think about routines, what time do you get up, go to work, eat, cooking in the kitchen. When you have someone who is a night person and another who needs to get sleep at night you will have a problem in a small space. We need to set boundaries, everyone is quiet by 11pm until 6am weekdays, all TV are off, and no cooking.
Not a Companion or a Nurse
Although we live in the same space, I am not my mothers companion, I am her daughter, and provide financial support and talk to doctors, she still has her PSW, person to clean, take her to appointments, and she can go see her friends or not. we do not eat every day with her, but we do have planned family time. Make sure that living in your home does not also include you being a companion, a housecleaner, a driver, or administrering medications unless you want this role. She may be assuming this is coming with the move. It is a living space.
My best advice is to not dig yourself in any deeper. Take her to see some assisted living places in your area. Find out what equity she has in her house, and see if that could cover rent in another place. The gifts that you get out of caretaking are only gifts that you give yourself. If her moving in with you would make your life much worse, don't consider it.
Wow. That is such a wonderfully true way to put it.
I took care of my grandparents for over 10 years of my life and lived with them as a caregiver. I would say it was the worst, since the rest of my family didn't want that responsibility. CHF and Alzheimers..
I would like to be more grounded here though then what other people here are saying ( it is easy to say don't do it and don't do this), since I know caregiving lacks the necessary income to live. If she is paying for those bills out of her own pocket and she decides to cut you off can you survive? She can move on and if she had the money go to an assisted living facility and live the rest of her life there. It is expensive to live as of this moment so it can be understandable why she wants to move in to save money.
I am in this situation as we speak and I can only tell you that I so wish I had NEVER AGREED to it. This was 8 years ago and she didn't have dementia then but she does now and this has been the worst couple of years of my life. WORST - it is damaging relationships, marriage, ALL of it and I am beyond and beside myself. You need to live your life and you should because you will never have a life again to live.
I'm sorry for the brutal honesty and I'm actually not even one to reply here but when I saw your subject line, I just had to.
Go home. Cry some if you need to. The place where I put my mom had a rule about no contact for the first week or two weeks (can't remember which) and I was frankly happy for the rule.
She may be angry or she may be happy to see you. It no longer matters. She does not live with you and she lives somewhere where she can mingle, make friends, play games, watch movies with others, and open up to a new way of living.
Some people do anticipate the problems that arise from living together and avoid it like the plague.
Others are blind to what the future holds.
You are very lucky to have found this forum. There are loads of people here, myself included, that will tell you that it’s never easy to have a parent living in our home.
Remain your mother’s daughter without being her roommate/caregiver! You can care for her and retain your privacy at home.
You need to untether from her which is what I'm working on but it's hard
run
run far run fast
Cause my mom and I have always gotten along (save a few moments of angst) and we love each other very very much and this is.. very, very hard.
I don't think I am dealing with "exactly dementia" with my mom either but here's the thing: at a certain point Drs will use a hundred words to describe a thing and it'll be dementia or delirium or MCI or whatever and at the end of the day it is literally six of one to a half a dozen of the other, it does not MATTER what the diagnosis code is, the issues you will deal with are identical. The only issue I have is the "put ice cream on tray and walk away boom instant distraction" doesn't work with my mom ;) A lot of the "dementia tricks" don't. But she still shouldn't be getting behind the wheel of a car or answering any calls from "Scam Likely".
Keep your boundaries. Seriously. If you know she's not going to mesh well with you. Dementia or not, what, would dementia make it okay for you to be abused? Or okay for you to be abused cause its not dementia?
Get a job and stop needing her help with bills ASAP. Before you accidentally think you owe her.
Hang tough. Book a vacation.
"When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get."
You can be sure she has information about the alternatives that are available to her and offer to help her with them, if you want to. She is using her hurt and anger to try to manipulate you into letting her live with you. My mother did the same but I let her know that living with me was never an option. She ended up being very well cared for in facilities when she needed them.
You are not alone. It seems many parents put this pressure on their children. There is no obligation for you or anyone to sacrifice their life to care for parents as they age. ((((((hugs))))) I know it is not easy nor pleasant to deal with.
This thread gave me strength today. Have to see my Mom on Tuesday. The post & comments remind me to protect myself. Armor on!
You do so many things for her, and that's very good and kind of you, but what could she actually do for herself? If the answer is "nothing," we're back to dementia.
She's combative, apparently doesn't understand her true situation, and has unrealistic expectations. You keep telling her the same thing over and over, and she still doesn't comprehend. Take another turn, move five spaces, and we're back to dementia.
Fold up the game board, tell her she's not moving in with you, and look at some memory care places. You've done your stint with your father, and you've given it all you have. Game over.
If the game is Dementia.. you nailed it.
Dementia isn't a skin growth we can see or an arm in a sling - it's an insidious creep deep in the brain. (I picture a mini ivy plant growing a bit wild in there).
And if NOT dementia? Not losing cognitive skills to reason or removing empathy? Then it's the regular game of manipulation I suppose.
Don't be lured into that game either!
Perhaps I get things out of proportion because I need to use ear plugs often for various things. But here goes again:
When she raises the subject again, put your good industrial earplugs in your ears. No discussion. Earplugs talk for you. They say, I’m not listening, I don’t want to listen, I can’t hear. They also say, you are talking to yourself, you are ignoring everything I say, I don’t care if you sulk, you are being a PIA.
That’s the most useful conversation you can have, without even opening your mouth. Fantastic value!
move in and that there won’t be further discussion on the matter. Case closed.
if she persists tell her you are there for her, you are right next door. Threaten to move away if she continues.
Live separately, make her misplace her key to your place and save yourself. It is too easy to help a bit today, a bit more tomorrow, and even more next week, until you are completely consumed by caregiving.
Being extremely argumentative is a hallmark behavior OF dementia. I would stop discounting that possibility for your mother and have her checked out fully by her PCP. And I'd stick to my guns 100% and let her know how fortunate she truly IS to have you living next door after uprooting your entire life 9 years ago to devote yourself to your parents as you have, unselfishly, and it's STILL not enough. Some mother's are like this, unfortunately, and we read about it all the time here on the forum.
I put my foot down about not living with my parents many decades ago when my mother 'casually' suggested they'd pay ME the $5k a month in rent it would cost them for Assisted Living rather than 'waste' it. I told THEM in no uncertain terms that while I'd always be there for them, they'd NOT be moving in with me or me with them. Period. And I stuck to my guns the entire time, helping them move close to me in 2011, into IL, then AL and then Memory Care AL for my mother when her dementia got bad in 2019. They're both gone now but I managed their lives for them and managed to preserve mine and my husband's along the way.
You say, " She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands." My mother was the Queen of these passive-aggressive tactics to get her way, and dad would cave in, and so would I ...when I was a KID. I grew to resent her BS and I learned how to side-step her passive-aggressive communication tactics (which is, in reality, a FAILURE to communicate & a manipulation technique used to cow us into submission). Let her know you are ONTO her games and will not play them. Next time she brings up the sulking game, leave her presence. And every time thereafter. She will learn in SHORT ORDER that using these PA tactics will not achieve the desired results!
My condolences on the loss of your husband and your father to dementia at 95. Please be very careful to preserve YOUR life now, lest you give it up to your mother's unreasonable demands. Best of luck sticking to your guns. "I love you mom, I just value my autonomy MORE than anything else in life right now. Sorry but this subject is closed for further discussion."
That said, my father’s dementia had all the hallmarks of suspicion and mistrust and belligerence. My mother is simply nasty, but I’m watching for symptoms. Having watched my father progress over the past 4 years, I can see what can play out. I do have professional allies to help, as they did with my father.