My mother accused me of elder abuse and served me with an EPO. Now she's alone and I'm out of the house. Who do I contact for help?

First, you need to explain what's going on to the police. Tell them that her license is revoked so they can pull her over if they see her. She is a hazard to other drivers. Is there any way that you can disable her car so that it won't drive or else hide her car key?
Then you absolutely need to talk with her doctor and tell him/her what is going on. Is she on medicine for her dementia? If not, maybe the doctor can prescribe something.
I'm surprised that she has been going to the doctor by herself ... you need to be the extra set of ears to hear instructions and also speak up. If she objects, then nod or shake your head as she talks to make sure the doctor knows what is "really" going on. They are very used to family members accompanying elderly patients into the examination room.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is sad that the person you are trying to help is not able to comprehend reality. This, as with other examples, makes me realize that I am truly blessed. My mom moved in with me and within 2 months decided I was trying to do things to mess with her, etc. She also has dementia. She up and left and moved in with a friend. It hurt me immensely at the time because I had spent a lot of time and effort to get her here. But now, I am thinking it was all a blessing to me emotionally and financially. God it there and He knows what He is doing. If your mom wants you gone, then it is time to move on. She is not able to understand ANYTHING. I think, in my experience, they become very "self" aware and that's all they think about. How you are trying to "trick" and "fool" her. Which is probably not true, but you, nor anyone else can convince her of anything. Praying for you and your mom.

Use this time to focus on the outcome that is needed for each of you. Sounds like your mother needs help, psychological help and the tables are turned. You can overcome a false accusation and turn the table around. It is not uncommon for someone with diminishing capacity to lash out at a caregiver and find blame. It is unfortunate that calling the police is something she felt compelled to do and this has negatively impacted you. You are in a tough position but it is important you realize this is temporary and a time to advocate for your mother or walk away. It's up to you. Your mother is at risk for being assessed as well for living safely alone.

First of course is finding stable ground for yourself so you can address the EPO. If you need your personal belongings the police should be present for a civil standby. Hopefully you have done some of the below:
1. Contact her primary doctor.
2. Answer to the incident that led to to the EPO which sounds like maybe a disagreement about her revoked driving license. Provide background of your mother's current disposition which you described: medical issues, missed appointments, driving capacity, emergency room use. Give a full description of what help she needs and you have provided.
3. Is APS involved. If not, you might want to contact them and give them the same background information as the answer to the EPO.
4. I am not sure if you can ask the police to do a Wellness Check on your mother, but that would be in her best interest.
5. Consider getting an emergency temporary conservatorship with the court filed and serve after the EPO is resolved. If your mother needs help, you can help her otherwise the state may take over at some point.

Call adult protective services and they will evaluate. You have problems as to caregiving to your mother. APS can help you ...let them evaluate you and see if you are able to make a change in your abilities. If she is driving with revoked call the police and get her off the streets. Get her keys before she kills someone. when you describe her behaviors...you are not functioning as a caregiver. You also have relationship issues that have been unresolved. You can refuse to leave and without a court order she can not evict you. Get into the "have to" mode and get back into the house and tell her "she has to" and use the cousel of the APS worker. If you are a "unsafe caregiver" you will be told if aps person thinks you are safe. You obviously need help in imposing rules for her physical and medical saftey. You absolutely have to be with her at doctors and together he and you can manage her meds.

Contact an attorney and your mother's physician. Also call Adult Protective Services.

The police are obviously not trained in elder issues such as dementia/alzheimer's. I would contact her DR and have him give you a note to show the police her state of mind and these things can happen with her being this way. After you are back in the house you need to get her evaluated for sure and then be her POA, DPOA, all that stuff. You need written proof to back yourself up!

First order of business is to find a safe place for yourself. worriedinCali's suggestion might be a start - see if you can get into one of these "hotel" shelters!

Second order of business is to find out if you can get a court appointed attorney, or find a no or low cost atty to help you with the EPO. This attorney may also have suggestions for getting help for your mother.

"What happens if the plaintiff fails to appear in court for a restraining order?"

"If the Plaintiff does not show up for the trial and the Defendant does appear, if the Defendant asks, the Court may dismiss the case without prejudice. ... If the Plaintiff does refile the case and again fails to appear at trial, the Small Claims Rules say the Court may dismiss with case with prejudice."

This link https://www.tippecanoe.in.gov/841/Default-Judgment explains a lot about what happens at the hearing. DO NOT MISS the hearing yourself! Whether she goes or not, BE THERE!

Despite others suggesting you should take her car keys, find a way back in, talk with doc, etc., I think you know none of this is possible. Before EPO is resolved, you should NOT consider any of these suggestions. You *might* be able to make some headway with APS, but given the EPO they may not listen to you. Can you call in an anonymous report? If you can find a pay phone, use that, not your own. Given that she skips her appointments, lies to the doc, took you off as rep/HIPPA, plus already reported to the doc she doesn't take her meds, it sounds like that might be a useless avenue. Same as with APS, they may dismiss anything you say while the EPO is current, but you could try contacting them by phone and report that she is alone and in distress, and you can't help her.

I suspect your mother reported this by phone, so no one really checked on her or the situation that well. Given her age, they would likely just grant it. Generally these are temporary orders, pending a court hearing, to protect the person requesting it. Each person should get to voice their side at the hearing.

More than likely she won't show (just like the doc or follow up appts), BUT document what you can about her behavior (skipping meds, doc appts, driving on revoked license, dementia, etc), all that you wrote in your profile, and include her penchant for lies accusing you of theft and physical abuse. Leave out the part about not really getting along - clearly this is HER issue, since she has alienated everyone else already!

IF she doesn't show, they may just dismiss the order. BUT, don't let it drop there - ASK the judge what options there are for her. Plead with the judge if you have to! Since she often mistreats you, explain that going back won't be an option for you, otherwise this will just happen again. Stress that she is an elder in need and should not be alone. Stress that you just want to ensure that she gets the care and supervision that she needs! She lives alone, with dementia and continues to drive - it's a matter of time before something bad happens to her (or someone else!) - they should be able to recommend something.

IF the EPO is dismissed, keep all documentation just in case any place of employment asks about it. You'll want the proof that it was dismissed.

Your post terrifies me since I am in a very similar situation. I am thankful it hasn’t escalated to the point yours has and I pray it never does although it’s come very close. If there is any type of representation out there for an individual adult dealing with an elderly parent who is demented then please pass that information along since it is desperately needed by those of us that never know what the elder will do next . As far as govt. resources such as APS, unfortunately, it’s a risk since the caregiver doesn’t know what the ramifications could be from having that type of intervention. It could get worse.

You get yourself help. Your mother has made it clear to you that you are not welcome in her home. If you cannot accept that and you cannot stay away you will be taken away in handcuffs and that will ruin a lot of years for you. Some judge granted her an order of protection against ***you***. Disregard that order at your peril.

Move on with your life. Go to a women's shelter if you have no other options. Women's shelters often have counselors available to help women get their lives back on track.

My darling husband did the same ... the Sherriff suggested I get him into hospital for an assessment as he was unpredictable. Also suggest you keep a journal!

First, let's deal with you. DO NOT go to your mom's home; you need to remain with a clean record and out of jail. Find a place and a job for yourself. Go to a women's shelter or other community resources to help you secure your life.

Next, your mother has mental health issues besides dementia. Call her doctor and explain the situation. He/She needs to contact the police for your mother to have an involuntary psychiatric evaluation since mom is a threat to herself and others. If the doctor will not follow through, then you should call the police and let them know your concerns. Be prepared that she will probably end up in a residential facility that can care for her full time. Hopefully, she will be cared for in a facility that specializes in dementia and mental illness.

When my father’s father passed Dad’s youngest brother and his wife took over care of their mother. Unfortunately she only lived 6 months but from what I learn growing up it was a horrible 6 months for my uncle and his wife. Grandmother never did like my Aunt. When mother’s mother passed her father came to spend the winter in our house and moved back into his in the spring where he stayed for the next 11 years.  It was next to my parents and mother felt the burden of caregiver even though for all but the last year he was in fairly good health. He joined us for dinner most nights but otherwise took care of himself, at some point he stopped driving.

What are the options in your area for Independent or Assisted Living? Does MIL still drive? Friends of ours have her Dad nearby in an Independent/Assisted living building. Close enough that they can check in or take Dad out. He is very involved in the activities there and a couple years ago gave up his car and now use the bus the complex provides for his outings. He’s been there 15 years and turned 92 in January. Three of his 4 children live within 15-60 minutes of him, his eldest remained in New England when everyone else made their way to FL. They all knew that having Dad live with them was not the right choice for any of them.

My SIL and her hubby got married and moved right into the farm house with Dad and her sister to run the farm and care for Dad. They have since had a special needs son and now both Dad and sister have passed. They feel like newlyweds for the 1st time. They can do what they want, when they want and SIL has finally been able to start making the house their own.

I think that maybe the way to approach this with hubby is to suggest that with you just getting married and now looking for a house it would be too much on Mom and getting her her own place that she can to herself and not be interrupted by your schedules would be best. You can offer to have Mom come for dinner one or two nights a week and on the other nights cook a little extra of whatever for her to have at home. You both need your own space as you build your new life as a married couple.

Dear Hwga1920
if the police came to her home where you reside and asked you to leave than they have to do an investigation on the abuse. Get in contact with the Department of Aging in your town and speak to an adviser. Also, you need to speak to her physicians and see if it is documented that she does have dementia. The police can impound her car. Maybe it is time for her to be placed in a NH or assistant living, her doctors can help with that. Lastly, get an attorney for your own protection.

Good luck. I went through this in NJ

Do you have any other family members that can care for your mother? It seems you are very upset about living in your car, but something tells me its not all what it seems here. I would suggest getting another family involved as a mediator and not complain. Your mother is going through a traumatic time in her life and its not her fault. She is not fully aware of what she may be doing. Be easy with her and get either a close friend or family member involved and lets keep the focus on your mothers illness and not your inconvenience.